She froze hearing that word coming from his lips. She supposed, given his promise to stick around this morning, that sentiment shouldn’t have come as such a shock, but it did. She hadn’t expected him to voice his feelings so easily, so unequivocally or so soon.
She swallowed, unsure how to respond to him. She knew he was waiting for her to say something. Any man in his position would be. But her mouth didn’t seem to work, except to open and close a few times with nothing coming out. Not that she could think of a coherent thing to say. As strongly as she cared for him, she wasn’t ready to vocalize that yet. Not when she’d bet she understood what kind of man he was better than Joanna did. He would never be content to exist on the periphery of her life as every other man she’d known had been. She’d known that even before the L-word came into the picture. He’d want more from her, more than she was sure she had it in her to give.
She turned around to face him, wrapping her arms around his neck and burying her nose against his throat. The desire to protect herself emotionally warred with her desire to speak the truth. In the end, neither won.
After a moment, she felt the breath whoosh out of him, even though his hands moved on her back in a soothing motion. “It’s okay, baby.”
She knew she’d hurt him with her silence and she felt the need to offer him some explanation for it. But again, no words came, which was just as well, since anything she said would only be an excuse, a cop out, and therefore unworthy of her.
He stepped back from her, creating a bit of space between them and tilted her chin up with his finger. His face bore an expression she didn’t understand. He lowered his mouth to kiss her cheek. “I’d better go have that man-to-man with your brother.”
Twenty-two
“Come in,” Tim called in response to Jonathan’s knock on his door. Jonathan pushed the door open. The teenager’s surprise that he, not Dana, had come to his room was evident on his face. He went back to watching his television screen and the video game being played out on it. “What do you want, man?”
Jonathan closed the door behind him. “I wanted to talk to you about your sister.”
“What about her? Did she send you in here?”
“I thought for her sake we could iron out a couple of things between us.”
“Really?” Tim tossed the game controller onto the bed beside him. He folded his arms in a defensive posture. “What do you think you’re going to tell me about my own sister?”
Damn this kid was stubborn. For a moment he searched for something to say that would break through the kid’s wall of animosity. “I’ll tell you what I told her. That I’m in love with her and wish you would cut me a little slack.”
Tim’s eyebrows lifted. “What did she say?”
Something about Tim’s reaction rang false, as if he weren’t hearing that for the first time. “You already know that, don’t you?”
Tim shrugged. “Maybe.” He picked up the controller again.
Jonathan sighed, wondering if this was the kid’s way of saying he considered the conversation over. “Do we have a truce?”
Tim shook his head. “Tell me what happened. Dana won’t talk about it. All I know is what I read in the papers and saw on TV.”
Which Jonathan knew was, at best, a distortion of reality. Apparently Tim’s hostility was trumped by his curiosity. “Mind if I sit?”
Tim nodded toward the chair. “Go ahead.”
Jonathan recounted the story, leaving almost nothing out. Tim’s one word of response was, “Man.”
For a moment neither of them said anything. Jonathan remained silent, hoping it would give Tim enough room to say what was on his mind.
“Does this mean you’ll still be coming around?”
At first he wondered if Tim thought that was a good idea or not, but he heard none of the belligerence in the kid’s voice now. “Yes.”
“Don’t hurt her and don’t make her cry.”
How could he promise anyone something like that? In any relationship there were bound to be ups and downs, rough times. He answered Tim as honestly as he could. “That’s not my intention.”
Tim nodded.
Jonathan let himself out of the room and shut the door behind him. He found Dana standing in almost the same spot he’d left her. He wondered if she’d been able to hear what he and Tim talked about.
She closed the gap between them. “How’d it go?”
“We have a truce.” He looped his arm around her waist. “Come walk me to the door.”
“You’re leaving? Is it because of what happened before?”
He kissed her temple. “No, baby. But I think your brother needs you more than I do tonight.”
He led her to the door, then pulled her into his arms for a kiss goodnight. She kissed him back with the kind of fervor he hadn’t seen in her since the night the car went after her in the alley. God, he wished he’d kept his mouth shut now, but the words had slipped from his lips effortlessly when he’d said them. He should have known she couldn’t handle them yet.
He pulled away from her, not because he wanted to but because he knew in another moment he’d forget what he was supposed to do and drag her off to her room. He wasn’t looking forward to spending the night alone, even if it were for the best.
“Good night, sweetheart,” he said. “What time do you want me to pick you up tomorrow?” When she looked up at him in confusion, he added, “For Joanna’s barbecue?”
“Oh. I forgot. Call me in the morning, okay?”
“Okay. Say good night to Tim for me.”
He let himself out of the house and walked to his car. Considering the uncertain expression on her face when he walked out, maybe he shouldn’t have left her. He glanced back at the house, but she’d already closed the door behind him, shutting him out.
For a long time after Jonathan drove off, she remained by the door, leaning her back against it. Jonathan said his leaving had nothing to do with what transpired in her kitchen, but she wasn’t sure she believed him. Until then, he hadn’t mentioned anything about going home. She hadn’t heard what was said between him and Tim, but she doubted it was anything so earth shattering that he felt compelled to leave over it. Maybe she was being paranoid, but she feared she’d ruined things between them.
She pushed off the door and walked to Tim’s door. She rapped on the surface. “Do you want to watch a movie with me?”
After a moment, he said, “Okay.”
She was tempted to say, “Could you show a little less enthusiasm?” but held her tongue. Tim wasn’t responsible for her bleak mood. Neither was Jonathan, really. She did that to herself by not being honest with him when she should have been.
But Tim wasn’t helping any either, between his rudeness before and his surly attitude now as they settled on the sofa and decided on something to watch. Finally, at the edge of her patience, she asked, “What is with you tonight? First you’re angry because Jonathan was here and now that he’s gone you’re still mad.”
“Jon isn’t the problem, Dana. You are. What you did to him tonight wasn’t right.”
Those were the last words she’d expected to come from his mouth. “So it’s Jon, now? You had your great guy bonding moment and now he’s all right?”
“Look, I know I was wrong when you first told me about him. But how was I supposed to feel? When I was growing up, you never even brought a guy around here. I wasn’t even sure you liked guys or anyone, for that matter. Then all of a sudden you tell me you’re in danger and you’re staying with him? And you won’t even let me see you. Okay, that part I can understand. But, you’ve got to stop treating me like I’m still seven years old and Mom just died.”
“I don’t.”
“Don’t you? You think I didn’t notice the way he looks at you? What that means? Are you so cold inside that you don’t know either? My God, Dana, the man told you he loved you and you didn’t say a thing.”
For an instant she wondered if he’d heard that himself or if Jonath
an had told him. Truthfully, it didn’t matter. It never occurred to her that her brother saw her that way, distant and unfeeling. Even if he did, she didn’t need this from him right now. “That’s none of your business.”
“You know, Sis, I don’t understand you. You don’t believe in anything do you? Not God, not anybody else, not me.”
Her anger finally bubbled over. “I believe in me, that’s what I believe in. I’m the only person I could ever turn to, count on. Who was ever there for me? You tell me that?”
“It seems to me that when that shit went down with Moretti, someone had your back and it wasn’t you.” He pushed to his feet. “I’m going to bed.”
After Tim walked out, she pulled her legs up and rested her chin on her knees. She’d done an excellent job of alienating both men in her life, though she had to admit with Tim, each of them had given as good as they got.
She didn’t have to question if Tim was right about her. She knew he was. Even her clients, like Nadine, grumbled about her lack of sympathy and sentimentality. She knew she’d been stern in raising Tim, but she’d never realized she’d shown him that side of herself, or at least not enough to make him think her callous.
She also knew that she and Tim would work out whatever disagreement they had. They always did. It was her relationship with Jonathan that concerned her, or rather her inability to be straightforward with him about how she felt. He’d deserved some kind of honest response to his declaration of love, and she hadn’t given him one. What bothered her most was that she’d held back out of fear. Tim was right about that, too. She lacked the faith in herself and in him, in life, that things would turn out all right. That wasn’t fair to any of them.
In the morning, she would make it right with Jonathan. She would tell him that she’d been stunned by his admission and her own insecurities held her back from returning his feelings. She hoped that would be enough.
For the first time in a long time, she climbed into bed alone and lonely. She lay there for a long time, watching the shadows from passing cars dancing on the ceiling, until her eyes closed one last time and finally sleep came.
The next morning Tim informed her that some friends had invited him to a party up in Yorktown Heights near the Croton River. Since she didn’t want him making the two-hour drive twice in one day, she agreed that he could borrow her car and spend the night up there. He seemed genuinely contrite about their argument the night before, as was she. Besides, if she hadn’t read the expression she saw in his eyes, a girl figured somewhere in this outing, as well.
She had no idea if Tim were sexually active yet. That’s one thing she knew he’d never tell her unless she cornered him into doing so. Given the present circumstances, she wasn’t about to ask him. She’d done all she could in that regard anyway. She’d taught him how to use a condom, which was eminently more embarrassing for him than it was for her. She’d taught him what it meant to be sexually responsible, not only in protecting himself and his partner from disease, but in other ways as well. It was up to him to make the right choices.
As he headed to the door, she stopped him. “Have a good time.”
He embraced her. “I will. You, too.”
She stepped back from him. “You know I love you, right?”
He huffed. “Of course I do. You know, Sis, I know you sacrificed a lot to keep me with you after mom died.”
True, but she never wanted him to feel guilty for that. “Whatever I did, I did because I wanted to. You’re my brother.”
“I know. Let me finish. I guess I was mad at first that you were with Jon. You’ve always been there for me. But that’s kinda selfish, isn’t it?”
“Just a little bit.”
“I want you to know that if you have the chance to be happy with him, then you should take it.”
Fine advice to give her now, after she’d probably blown it with him. “I intend to.”
Tim smiled. “Good. At least I’ll be sure someone is taking care of you while I’m away at college.”
Dana rolled her eyes. “Look out, your macho is showing.”
He laughed but he didn’t deny it. “I better get going.”
She couldn’t help one last admonishment. “Be careful.”
He didn’t pretend not to know to what she referred. He winked at her. “You, too, Sis.” With one last grin, he was gone.
After a night without much sleep, Jonathan pulled up in front of Dana’s house. She was already sitting out on her porch waiting for him. Tyree, who’d come to see him as he was walking out the door to give him a progress report, had delayed him. Tyree’s mom was back on her feet and promised her son she’d find some other way to earn a living. That was no guarantee she wouldn’t slip back to her old life, but it was nice to see the hope on the boy’s face.
He got out of the car and walked up the front steps. As he approached, she stood. Once he made it onto her side of the porch, she stepped into his arms and kissed him. For a long moment, he lost himself in her tender embrace. Eventually, he pulled back, looking down at her with a bemused expression on his face. “Um, where’s Tim? Isn’t he coming with us?”
She shook her head. “He’s found better things to do than hang out with us.” She lowered her gaze and when she looked at him it was with a troubled expression on her face. “We need to talk, Jon.”
Inwardly, he froze. He’d dreaded this since he left her last night. He’d lain in bed last night contemplating her reaction to him telling her he loved her last night. He vacillated between the certainty that she simply hadn’t been ready to verbalize her feelings and the fear that she didn’t return them at all. He thought back to when he’d told her he wasn’t going anywhere unless she wanted him to. She hadn’t said anything to that, either, only voiced her desire for her brother to come home.
The kiss she’d just laid on him notwithstanding, if there was the slightest possibility that it was the latter sentiment she wanted to express, he didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t think he could handle that right now, not and go make nice with his relatives afterward. That much of a brave face he didn’t possess.
“Can we talk about it when we get home? We’re already late and you know how Joanna gets.”
To his relief, she smiled. “Sure.” She went back to the rocker she’d been sitting in and picked up her purse. “I’m ready.”
During the short ride to Joanna’s he noted the smile on Dana’s face and decided to take his cue from her. Would she have that beatific expression on her face or would she have kissed him like that if she planned to tell him to kiss off? He doubted it. She’d been straight with him from the beginning. If he had anything to worry about, it was his own doing for trying to rush her. He couldn’t explain his moment of panic, and that’s what it had been, except that he’d never wanted anything so much as he wanted this woman in his life. The mere thought of losing her made him a little stupid.
When he helped her out of the car was the first time he noticed what she was wearing—a form-fitting spaghetti strap sundress that ended well above her knees.
“Why are you looking at me?” she asked, coming to stand beside him.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen your legs before, while you were clothed anyway.”
“I’m not that big on dresses,” she confessed. “In fact, I wore it for you. Do you like it?”
“Mmm,” he agreed. He’d enjoy it even more once he got it off her. In the meantime, he slung his arm around her waist and walked with her up to the house. As usual, Joanna’s barbecue encompassed the entire property. Some kids were already out on the front lawn tossing a Nerf football. Inside the house was packed and the back yard was nearly as bad, with folding chairs stationed around the perimeter so the grown-ups could keep an eye on the kids.
They found both Ray and Joanna in the back of the house by the grills. Ray usually made ribs, steaks, chicken, and shrimp on skewers with peppers and onions, as well as the requisite hamburgers and hot dogs—a feast that couldn’t be entirely c
onsumed no matter how many people showed up.
Joanna embraced each of them. “It’s about time you two showed up,” she fussed, though there was a smile on her face.
“We’re only fifteen minutes late,” Dana said.
Joanna made a face that said what she thought of their tardiness. “Well, help yourselves to whatever. I had most of it catered this year.” She patted her belly, which was still slightly rounded from her recent delivery. “Next year we’ll be back to normal.”
“If we keep out of the poor house this year,” Ray teased.
Joanna rolled her eyes. “I didn’t spend that much, really. Now scoot. I need to have a few words with my husband.”
With his hand on her waist, Jonathan led Dana toward the tables that held the remainder of the food and the drinks—everything from an assortment of sodas to beer and wine and harder stuff. “Are you hungry? Thirsty?”
“I’d love a glass of wine.”
“You didn’t take one of your pills this morning, did you?”
She fastened a disgusted look on him. “Tell me again who’s the fussbudget in your family. I know better than you what not to mix with what.”
“Whatever you say, Miz Nurse,” he said. He pulled her closer, but had to release her a second later when his cell phone rang. The display revealed an unfamiliar number that he decided to ignore.
“Don’t you have to take that?” she asked as he reclipped the phone to his belt.
“I’m off duty and on vacation. If anyone from the department wants me, they can leave a message like everyone else.”
But later in the evening, after they’d spent the day enjoying each other’s company and the warmth of his family, his phone went off again. That made the fourth time in five hours.
“Why don’t you just take it,” Dana suggested.
He might as well find out who this was and what they wanted and get it over with. He connected the call. “Stone.”
Body Of Truth Page 29