* * *
I gasped and looked up at Tom, who was reading the diary over my shoulder.
‘Are you thinking what I’m thinking?’ I asked him.
‘Yes, I think Violet is pregnant.’
‘And nobody knew except for Ethel?’
‘It certainly appears that way.’
‘The poor girl,’ was the only response I could muster.
Tom put his arm around my shoulder and squeezed me gently. I snuggled into his chest. We carried on reading.
* * *
9 July 1961
* * *
We are waiting.
* * *
10 July 1961
* * *
And still we wait.
* * *
11 July 1961
* * *
Maybe we’ve got this all wrong.
* * *
12 July 1961
* * *
Nothing as yet.
* * *
13 July 1961
* * *
Can’t put my finger on it but I feel kind of strange today.
* * *
14 July 1961
* * *
I’m writing this to keep my mind off it. As usual Ethel came round after work. She teased me, laughing at the state of my bedroom – it was spotless. She’d never seen it so clean and tidy. I don’t know what had come over me; I like living in clutter but not today. Ethel claimed it was a nesting instinct. Standing up to go and get Ethel and I a drink, I heard a pop and felt a weird sensation from within followed by an immediate gush of very warm fluid, which soaked through my pants. The fluid began to trickle down my legs. I started to have lower-back pain and a dull ache. Ethel and I stared at each other. I sat back down on the bed, holding onto my bump. The dull ache became worse, followed by a tightening across my stomach; it became so tight I couldn’t breathe. Ethel reached under the bed for the holdall. I have no idea what she thought we needed from there but the books said we needed it. This was it, Ethel was by my side and the baby was coming. The pain became too much to bear and I began to scream. We heard a barrage of footsteps running up the stairs. I was scared.
* * *
As I read the diary entry, the tears were free falling down my cheeks. Tom leant over to grab me a tissue from the box on the table. I didn’t have a good feeling about this; in fact the gut-wrenching emotion that was gripping my body told me that what I would read next was going to change my life. Tom held me tight.
‘Are you OK?’ he asked gently.
Our eyes met briefly before I wiped the tears away. I shook my head and swallowed. I couldn’t speak.
‘This isn’t going to change who you are. You’re beautiful inside and out, and I love you.’ He kissed my tears.
Hearing Tom say those words should have been one of the happiest moments of my life but now I was petrified to read on. In my heart of hearts I knew I was about to discover Aunt Violet was no longer my aunt but my mother.
Chapter Forty
Tom had moved away from the settee and I could hear him rummaging around in the kitchen cupboards. Sitting back down next to me, he passed me a glass full of brown liquid.
‘Here, drink this.’
‘What is it?’ I asked, placing the glass under my nose and taking a whiff of the repulsive substance. I winced.
‘It’s whisky. Just take a sip; it’ll take the edge off.’ He passed the glass to me and I took a gulp. It burnt my throat and almost instantly I felt a warm rush through my body.
‘Where did you find that?’
‘In the very back of one of the kitchen cupboards. I think it’s been there a while. Are you ready to read on?’
I could see the concern in Tom’s eyes.
‘I think so. I can’t put it off any longer; I need to know the truth,’ I replied, blinking away the tears.
Turning the page, I saw there was no entry for 15 July. My heart was pounding.
* * *
16 July 1961
* * *
Yesterday I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She weighed in at exactly seven pounds. The pain was immense; pain like I’d never felt before. Mum and Dad had burst into the bedroom after hearing my screams. They didn’t know what was wrong with me until I told them I was having a baby. They didn’t believe it and shouted at me. I can still hear their words ringing all around: ‘Don’t be ridiculous.’ Ethel confirmed it was true. My secret was out.
My mum’s face said it all: a look of disgust. All I could hear in-between my screams was her muttering away about what the neighbours would think followed by how I’d brought shame on the family. I didn’t care what the neighbours would think; I only cared about receiving some pain relief. My dad couldn’t even look me in the eye. I just remember him saying, ‘I’ll fetch the truck – we need to get Violet to hospital.’
Travelling in the truck was the worst experience of my life. Ethel was with me every step of the way. She squeezed my hand and ordered me to take deep breaths – she’d read that in one of the books we’d smuggled from the library. The pain was getting worse; the tightening across my stomach took my breath away. By the time we reached the hospital I could feel the head. I wanted to push. I did push and my baby was born safely a few minutes later on the maternity ward.
Of course, the hospital and midwives had no notes about me; I hadn’t shared my secret with anyone until now. My mum kept shaking her head. ‘How could you do this to us?’ she repeated over and over again. Ethel produced the holdall and pulled out the smallest white Babygro I had ever seen, one she’d managed to purchase from the charity shop. I stared down at my baby; she looked so tiny. Her fingers and toes were so small and there was no doubting she looked like T. A wave of sadness flooded through me. This was not how I pictured myself having a family. I wanted the dream, I wanted T and I wished with all my heart he was here. I knew the question was coming and I was surprised it hadn’t been asked already but right on cue the words spilled out of my mum’s mouth with venom. ‘Well, come on then – who’s the father?’ she demanded. ‘Where is he now?’ Ethel was staring at me; she didn’t dare speak and waited for me to answer. All eyes were on me but there was no way I could divulge that information. T didn’t know about the baby and that was the way it had to stay. He had his own family now and I had my baby. T was always going to be in my life because of my beautiful baby girl. I would have a piece of him with me every day for the rest of my life, but no one else except Ethel would ever know.
* * *
‘This can’t be true,’ I gasped. I shook my head. ‘Tom, please tell me this isn’t true.’
‘We don’t know what the baby’s called yet – it may just be a coincidence.’ I could hear the hesitation in his voice.
‘It’s way too much of a coincidence that I’d have a cousin somewhere out there in the huge wide world who has exactly the same birthday as me.’
‘I suppose, when you put it like that.’
I took another swig of whisky and turned the page.
‘Look, whatever we find out here, we can deal with it together; I’m here for you, always.’
Even though Tom’s arms were wrapped around me, I felt sad and lonely. I wasn’t sure I was ready to face the fact that my mother and father were in fact no longer my mother and father.
Chapter Forty-One
17 July 1961
* * *
My heart is breaking. They have decided for me. I hate my mum and dad. I didn’t think I would ever use that word about them but it’s true, I do. They haven’t given me any alternative. As far as they’re concerned, I’m a disgrace. They’ve guessed the father is a married man and they will ‘out’ him some way or another unless I do as they demand. I can’t let them discover that T is the father. It’ll spark even more hatred and his family will be torn apart. They have also made it crystal clear they will disown me. They will not provide for me or my baby. Ethel too is disgusted by their decision. She calls it blackmail. I’ll have nowhere to live, no supp
ort and no money. I can’t provide for a baby. We’ve racked our brains but we can’t come up with an alternative and they are refusing to listen to us.
The hospital says I can be released today; I can take my baby home. I don’t want to go home; I want to stay here forever. Once I go home they’ll take my baby from me. They’ve arranged for Alice and Julian to arrive at the house just after dinnertime. They will raise the baby. I hope they never arrive; I hope they see sense and let me keep my baby. She is my baby. This will be the worst day of my life.
* * *
18 July 1961
* * *
The last few hours with my baby at home were spent rowing with my mum and dad. What gives them the right to decide that I cannot bring up my own child? Except my mum said she had every right to make that decision. She is head of this family and what she says goes. There was no way on this earth I was bringing shame on them. My voice is hoarse; I can barely speak from the screaming. I have begged and begged, but she is adamant. Mum AGAIN has made it clear that I won’t have a home or a job, and she said did I want to end up living on the streets with a baby? I’ve told her I’ll run away. She looked at me like I was dirt on her shoe and said, ‘Oh how very mature, putting your baby’s life in danger, which just shows the sort of mother you are already.’
I’m too scared. I wouldn’t know where to run to. I haven’t got any money or a place to stay.
She said that if I tell them who the father is then maybe he could help. I could marry him. That way I wouldn’t bring shame on the family.
My heart is breaking. I can’t disclose who the father is. T would never forgive me. It would tear his family apart and he has chosen them. All the children would end up coming from a broken home. I couldn’t do it. If I thought there was a slight chance he would marry me, I would say who he was, but I can’t. He’s married – it’s impossible.
There are no words that can describe how I felt, hearing Alice and Julian arrive, having the baby I love torn out of my arms. I held onto her for as long as I could. I screamed, I kicked and I fought for her, tears rolling down my cheeks. Mum restrained me and Alice paused for a moment. I could see she was torn. She whispered, ‘I will love her with all my heart; she’ll want for nothing, I promise.’ She took the baby from my arms. My baby was now with her new doting parents – parents that could never have children of their own after Alice’s complicated ectopic pregnancy.
Not only was this the last day I would ever set eyes on my baby, it would also be the last day I ever set eyes on Alice and Julian. My family are sending me away before word gets out. I am to speak about this with no one. I have no choice; if I don’t go then I’ll have nowhere to live. I could try and get a job and a flat, but I have no money at all. I’m to be shipped off to my father’s sister who lives in Canada. They thought it was safer that way. My aunty has agreed to provide a home for me. I have agreed to go because this is my only safe option. I don’t want to spend another minute in my mother’s company. At least it will give me time to think. Time to make a plan. My mother has told me I am never to return and I am never to contact my sister again. They are bringing the baby up as their own.
I screamed after them and begged for them to let me hold her one last time. My mum said no, but Alice agreed and they took a photograph of me standing on the steps of the Lodge holding my baby. She was gorgeous, wrapped tightly in her white blanket. I will treasure that photograph forever. It will go with me wherever I go. They may have taken my baby away from me but she will be in my heart every day.
I watched them as they climbed into the car, Julian looking like a proud father. Just as Alice was about to shut the car door, I began running towards them. Mum grabbed me but I shouted like I had never shouted before for my baby. They drove away and didn’t look back; I’ll never know if they heard me. But one day I will see my beautiful baby Kitty again.
* * *
19 July 1961
* * *
My bags are packed and I leave for the airport in fifteen minutes. I want to get out of this house now. Ethel doesn’t know that I’m leaving. For Alice and Julian to have any chance of bringing the baby up as their own, I have been ordered not to share this news with Ethel. My mum will tell Ethel that I’ve moved away with the baby to start a fresh life, away from the stigma I have caused. No matter what they say, I cannot leave without saying goodbye to my best friend. I’ve managed to write her a letter; I stuffed it into the hand of the farm boy, who promptly got on his bike in search of Ethel. I told her they were sending me away to Canada. I told her Kitty was now Alice and Julian’s child. They could love her and provide for her; they had a proper family set-up, unlike me. The only comfort I have is that no matter what I think of my family, I do know that Alice and Julian will dote on my child; I know she will want for nothing, but what she will never know is how much I love her. I love her so much it hurts.
Looking back at the Lodge for one last time, I watched the farmhouse became smaller as my father drove me away down the long driveway. My mum was standing on the steps watching the car drive off. We never spoke; I didn’t have anything left to say to her. As far as she was concerned I was damaged goods; she’d told me so during our last row. She said I would thank her one day; a girl of sixteen could never bring up a baby on her own. There is one thing I do know for sure: I will never thank her.
As my father indicated left at the bottom of the track I could hear shouting. Looking out of the window through my tears, I saw Ethel. She was running so fast, waving my letter in her hand. I placed my hand against the glass window and watched the sadness in her eyes as my father drove off. Ethel slumped to the ground sobbing. I knew that would be the last time I’d ever see my best friend.
Chapter Forty-Two
My whole world came crashing down all around me. Everything I had ever known was a lie. Tom sat in silence, his arms placed firmly around my shoulders. There was nothing he could say or do. My heart ached with sadness for Violet. We had been torn apart. I had been ripped from my mother’s arms. I despised Agnes with a passion – what gave her the right to take the decision into her own hands? All to save the reputation of her good name. She’d been right about one thing though – I was loved by Alice and Julian, and throughout my whole life I hadn’t wanted for anything. It was strange that they’d suddenly become Alice and Julian instead of Mum and Dad, and now I understood why there was never any mention of Aunt Violet. I buried my head in Tom’s chest and let the tears flow.
‘Kitty, look at me.’ Tom tilted my head up and our eyes met. ‘Without a shadow of a doubt your mum and dad loved you. They brought you up as their own, and you had a good upbringing, Kitty. Don’t ever forget that. OK, so you’re in shock from discovering a family secret that everyone tried to hide, but your past is your past, and you’ve spent it in a loving household. The bond you had with Alice and Julian was a real bond, a bond that was formed from proper love.’
‘Tom, there are still so many questions.’
‘I know,’ he replied, kissing the top of my head.
‘How could they take me from her arms – she wanted to keep me.’
‘Times were different back then. Things have changed over the years but being pregnant at sixteen by a married man would have been frowned upon. Families would hide their secrets in order to save their reputation.’
‘I’m sorry,’ I said.
What are you sorry for?’
‘I bet you didn’t think our first night together would end up like this or that getting involved with me would be so complicated.’
‘Don’t be daft. I’m here for you,’ he replied gently.
I felt a lump rise in my throat. ‘I think I’m going to be sick.’
Quickly standing up and rushing to the bathroom, I threw up. It must have been the shock, and I could feel my whole body shaking. I looked in the mirror; my pale tear-stained face stared back at me.
Tom was still sitting on the settee waiting for me when I came back. I sat down next to him.
>
‘Kitty, this is a huge shock. I know it’s going to be difficult, but how about we try and get a couple of hours’ sleep?’
Suddenly I felt exhausted, not to mention battered and bruised.
‘Will you stay?’
‘I’m going nowhere. Come on – let me hold you. Please try and manage a few hours’ sleep.’
Climbing under the duvet with Tom’s arms wrapped around me, I felt safe; I was relieved he wasn’t going anywhere. I needed him now more than ever. There were lots of questions I needed answers to and I knew the very person who might have those answers, but first I needed to sleep. I knew what I would have to do in the morning. The next few days were going to be some of the most difficult I would ever face.
Chapter Forty-Three
The sunshine streamed through the gap in the curtains when I finally awoke. I stretched my arms above my head and gazed over at Tom. He looked so handsome lying next to me.
‘Are you awake?’ I whispered.
‘I think so. What time is it?’
‘It must be about 9 a.m.’
I turned to face Tom. He smiled at me and slipping his arms around my waist pulling me in close. I grasped hold of his arms tightly and tilted my head upwards. He dipped his head towards mine and we kissed.
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