I nodded.
She dropped her gaze to the ground. ‘I feel cheated in a way.’
‘Cheated? How?’
She brushed the tears away from her cheek with the back of her hand.
‘I suppose I had this vision that everything was perfect. My father has been my rock – someone I admired, looked up to. I placed him right on the top of a pedestal and guess what? He’s just come crashing down to the floor. I believed everything he’d ever told me: how Mum was so wonderful and how he’d never wanted another relationship due to the grief and how no one would ever grab his heart again. It wasn’t about that, though, was it?’
‘Your mother was wonderful,’ I said, touching her knee. ‘That certainly hasn’t changed.’
‘What makes it worse is that I can’t remember her. I try and try; I squeeze my eyes shut and there’s nothing, absolute nothing. I can’t remember her and it hurts so much.’
‘You were too young. What you have to focus on, Jeannie, is that at the time Ted was technically two people: your father and a husband. Whatever mistakes he made as a husband, he didn’t make any mistakes as a father – he loves you and Robin.’
‘Do you think Mum knew about Violet?’
I shook my head. ‘I don’t think she did. According to Violet’s diary as soon as she saw your dad in the hospital, holding you as a baby, it all stopped. In the end, Jeannie, your dad did the right thing and put his family first. We don’t know what other people think and feel, but I do believe he loved your mum. He just got lost for a while.’
‘And what about you?’ Her eyes met mine.
‘What about me?’
‘I can’t begin to imagine the turmoil you’re going through.’
‘It’s been a strange six months, believe me. Finding out my parents aren’t really my parents in the biological sense … but in my heart they’ll always be my parents. I could never think of them any differently. I never knew my grandparents; they were never spoken of. But what I have to assume from the diary is that maybe they were acting with the best intentions. Violet was only a young girl, with her whole life in front of her. The world was her oyster, and my mum could no longer have children after her ectopic pregnancy. The stigma attached to an unmarried mother at that time, the father a married man – it would seem the obvious solution to them. They saved the reputation of one daughter and gave happiness to another, while keeping the baby in the family. What they failed to take into account was Violet’s feelings in it all.’
‘How did the diary end up in the safe?’ Jeannie asked.
‘You know what, I have no idea, but as it was my grandmother’s safe it must have something to do with her.
‘Do you forgive Ted?’ I asked gently.
Jeannie sighed. ‘I know everything is screwed up, but he is my father. We’re all human, born to make mistakes, and even though he made a huge mistake back then that’s affected so many lives, there is one thing I can thank him for.’
‘What’s that then?’
‘You,’ she said, smiling at me. ‘I have a sister. And I wonder if I can get away with being a bit stroppy now I’ll have middle-child syndrome.’
‘More stroppy?’ I laughed.
‘Shut up and give me a hug,’ Jeannie ordered.
‘With pleasure.’
I rested my head on her shoulder and looked out across the fields – everything had become so calm.
‘Do you think you will ever call him Dad?’
‘I think we should all take one step at a time.’
‘Never say never, hey.’
‘How do you feel about me looking for Violet?’
Jeannie pulled away and shrugged. ‘I’m not sure.’
‘Well let’s face it, Violet may not even want to be found.’
‘Can I be honest with you, Kitty? I know you have a right to search for your biological mother but I’ll have to prepare myself to come face to face with the woman my dad had an affair with.’
I nodded; I understood that completely, but Violet was the last piece of this unfinished jigsaw and the desire inside me burned so brightly. I needed to find her; I needed to see her.
‘Maybe it’s the maternal instinct in me but you do what you need to do, Kitty, and don’t let me stand in your way.’
I flashed Jeannie a grateful smile.
Chapter Forty-Seven
By 6.30 p.m. Tom and I were absolutely shattered. The Lodge was in tip-top condition and all jobs were completed. Jeannie worked for most of the day but by late afternoon she began to feel tired again and went home to sleep. She was certainly suffering with the pregnancy. We chatted all morning about anything and everything. As planned, Danny was moving into the farmhouse this weekend and would be living with her, Ted and Robin. His job with Lucinda was going from strength to strength and he was now her right-hand man. I was so glad it was working out for them all.
‘Are you all done?’ Tom shouted up the yard while I was locking the office door.
‘I think so.’
‘Did you need to get straight back for Alfie or do you fancy a drink at mine?’
‘A quick drink sounds great.’
‘Great,’ he replied, grabbing my hand, and we walked over towards the cottage. I couldn’t help but smile to myself: even though my life was in turmoil I felt so happy when I was around Tom.
‘What are you smiling at?’ he said, grinning.
‘You, taking my hand. I feel like a proper couple.’ I laughed.
Tom stopped and turned towards me.
‘We are a proper couple.’ He gently wove his fingers through my hair and brushed it away from my face. ‘I love you,’ he whispered softly and kissed me. I closed my eyes and kissed him back.
I, Kitty Lewis, was kissing the most handsome man on the planet.
‘So this is what it’s like to fall in love?’ I murmured.
‘Do you like it?’ he teased.
‘Like it? I love it!’
‘Let’s go and put that kettle on – I’m parched. What do you fancy for tea tonight?’
I slipped my arm through his as we walked towards the cottage gate.
‘We are most definitely a proper couple if we’re eating together as well!’
‘I fancy you for tea, but if that isn’t on the menu until later on, how about a takeaway back at yours?’
‘That sounds like a perfect plan.’
‘I’ll need to grab a quick shower first,’ Tom said, opening the door to the cottage. ‘You know where the kettle is,’ he added, playfully pushing me towards the kitchen door.
‘Charming! So you invite me back for a drink then I have to make my own?’ I replied, taking a swipe at him.
‘There was a method to my madness.’ He kissed the tip of my nose and bounded up the stairs like a big kid.
I made my way into the kitchen and filled the kettle up with water. It was strange to think that I was actually standing in the same house my mother had lived as a child – well, both my mothers in fact. Sitting down at the table, I tried to visualise them all sitting here eating their tea – my grandparents, Alice and Violet. The only photograph I had seen of Violet was the one of her holding me when she was sixteen years old. I began to wonder if she resembled me at all. Hearing the water running in the shower up above, I walked into the living room. I imagined my granddad sat in the old armchair in the corner, smoking a pipe while the open fire roared. I had no idea whether he smoked a pipe, but that’s what I imagined old men did. The old dresser took pride of place at the back of the room; I could imagine it being jam-packed with books, photographs and a dinner service that only ventured out at Christmas time.
Wandering back into the kitchen, I took a couple of mugs off the draining board and placed a teabag in each of them. Hearing a knock at the door, I stood still for a moment to see if there was any movement from Tom upstairs. There was nothing – he must still be getting ready. There was another rap on the door. Making my way up the hall, I glanced up the stairs but still Tom hadn’t appeared. Opening
the door, I found a woman standing on the step, staring back at me. I’d never seen her before. She wasn’t a customer at the Lodge – well not to my knowledge anyway.
‘Hi, can I help you?’ I asked politely.
‘Kitty?’ she answered, staring at me.
I felt myself stiffen then I began to tremble all over. I managed a nod.
She hesitated.
‘V-Violet?’ I stuttered, fighting the lump in my throat.
‘No, no, I’m not Violet, I’m Ethel,’ she said, swiftly thrusting her hand forward.
I shook her hand. For a split second I battled the crush of disappointment. It wasn’t Violet standing in front of me. However, Ethel was the next best thing.
‘Please forgive me for dropping in on you so unexpectedly,’ she said.
‘No, no, not at all. Please forgive my manners. Come on in. This isn’t my house, it’s Tom’s. I’m just making a drink. Do you want one? The kitchen is just through here,’ I babbled.
Ethel smiled. ‘Yes, I know. I’ve been in this house a fair few times, but not in recent years.’
‘Oh yes, of course you have.’
Ethel followed me into the kitchen. ‘Would you like tea or coffee?’
‘I’d love a cup of tea, one sugar please.’
I could hear Tom’s footsteps echoing down the stairs. He appeared in the doorway all showered and shaved and looked a little taken aback that we had a visitor. ‘Who’s this?’ he asked, wandering towards me and kissing me lightly on the cheek. He grabbed a mug of tea off the side.
‘Hi, Tom, I’m Ethel,’ she said politely.
Tom’s gaze met mine then turned back towards Ethel. ‘Ethel as in Ethel from the book – the diary?’
‘Yes, Tom, Ethel as in Violet’s best friend.’
‘Wow, I have to admit I wasn’t expecting that,’ he replied, pulling out a chair and settling himself down at the table.
Tom and I sat and stared at Ethel, waiting for any information about Violet.
‘I’m actually lost for words,’ I managed to say.
‘I didn’t know whether to come, but Ted told me that the secret is finally out, after all these years. So I thought I’d come and find you, as I’m sure it was only a matter of time before you came looking for me. I just guessed you might be at the Lodge.’
Both Tom and I nodded.
‘It’s Tom that lives here; I’m in the flat on the high street.’
‘How are you coping, Kitty?’ she asked with genuine concern.
Tom leant forward and took hold of my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.
‘It’s all very surreal I have to admit. I feel like I’m riding on a roller coaster; every time I think I’ve come to the end of the ride there seems to be another twist or turn. What I once believed to be the truth has shattered all around me in tiny pieces.’
Ethel nodded. ‘I can completely understand where you’re coming from and I’m sure you have a million and one questions, but first can I ask you – where did you get the diary?’
‘Actually I only have one question, but I found the diary locked in the safe in the office, here at the Lodge.’
Ethel raised her eyebrows. ‘Locked in the safe?’
‘Yes, why do you ask?’
‘The day that Violet was driven out of the village was one of the worst days of my life. She was my best friend and no one will ever come close to the bond that I have with your mother.’
‘Violet?’
‘Yes, Violet. I will always call her your mother because I was there at your birth. I harboured the secret of the pregnancy from the moment we both realised that she was carrying you.’
Both Tom and I sat in silence and listened to Ethel.
‘I can remember the day she left like it was yesterday. John, the farm boy, hammered on my door; he was clutching a letter in his hand and was shouting at me to be quick otherwise I would miss her. I didn’t have a clue what he was talking about. I ran while reading the letter; my heart was thumping and my legs pounded the pavements, I ran so fast. She wrote that her family were shipping her off to Canada without the baby. She didn’t want to go. I reached the Lodge just in time to see the car travelling down the road. It stopped on the corner just before it turned and I screamed Violet’s name at the top of my voice. She turned around and the tears were flowing down her face. She placed her hand on the window; I did the same. She mouthed bye and that I would always be her best friend. I shrieked I loved her. I too was crying. Then the car pulled away. My legs buckled underneath me and I slumped to my knees. Picking myself up, I ran after the car and watched while they got smaller and smaller. Then something caught my eye. There was an object being tossed out of the car window. I ran and ran, and when I got there I couldn’t believe it – it was the diary, Violet’s diary; she’d thrown the diary to me.’
‘That would make sense,’ I said, looking at Tom. ‘There were no more entries after the day she left.’
‘That’s right,’ agreed Ethel, ‘because I had the diary. I cried all the way home; my heart was ripped out and I knew it was unlikely that I would ever see Violet again. That afternoon I went home and I read the diary from cover to cover then the letter she’d written me. My heart was breaking. Violet had had the most distressing time and even after everything, all she wanted was you – all she wanted was to keep her baby.’
The tears were flowing down my face; Tom passed me the box of tissues from the table and placed his arm around my shoulder.
‘It was your grandma’s decision. I may be speaking out of turn here, but Violet told me on numerous occasions that she felt like the black sheep of the family, an outcast. The age difference between her and Alice was huge and our only guess was that Violet wasn’t a planned pregnancy. At the time it always felt that Agnes was hard on her, always short-tempered. Don’t get me wrong, she never beat her or anything; it was more that Violet felt she was an inconvenience.’
‘That’s the impression I got too from reading the diary,’ I said, nodded in agreement.
‘Agnes and Arthur were devastated when it was confirmed Alice could no longer have children. Violet and I used to listen in to their conversations from the top of the stairs. The night she left, or should I say was driven away, I was so angry I remember marching up to this front door. Agnes opened the door and she began screaming at me, calling me all the names under the sun. I screamed back. I didn’t care that I was screaming – they’d taken Violet away and I had nothing to lose. Agnes threatened me and said if I ever told anyone that Violet had given birth or Alice wasn’t your real mother then she wouldn’t be responsible for her actions. I was scared of her; I was only sixteen too. I threw the diary at her and it fell to the ground. She bent down and picked it up, asking me what it was. When I revealed it was Violet’s diary, her face turned white. Thumbing through the pages quickly, she was shouting that the diary needed to be burnt and there was no way anyone could find out the truth. She slammed the door in my face and I could hear her shouting for Arthur. I thought she’d burnt the diary years ago; I’m surprised to know it still exists.’
‘My heart goes out to Violet. From what I could gather from reading the diary she was besotted with Ted. It seems she lost him and then her baby.’
‘Ted was her first love and her only true love, but as you’ve now discovered, he was married. Ted was caught up in the moment, flattered no doubt by the attention. I’m not saying he didn’t love Violet – I’m convinced he did – but there was no way he was ever going to leave Bea. Ted wasn’t aware that you existed until after Bea died.’
‘Yes, I know – he told me.’
‘Unfortunately humans make mistakes and we may never forget, but hopefully in time everyone can forgive.’
I had a sinking feeling in my heart and a lump in my throat. ‘Ethel, I only have one thing left to ask you.’
‘Yes, what is it?’
I took a deep breath.
‘Do you know where Violet is? Do you know where my mother is?’
<
br /> Chapter Forty-Eight
Travelling on the train towards my old hometown, I felt full of mixed emotions. This would be the first time I had visited their grave knowing that the two people who had raised me as their own weren’t actually my parents. I wondered how I would feel looking at their gravestone, reading the special words engraved on the tomb. I’d needed a little Dutch courage. It wasn’t my usual style, but I’d swigged whisky from a hip flask that was now safely stored back in my pocket. It gave me a woozy feeling but a feeling that I needed. The woman sitting opposite me on the train tutted at me. I turned my head and leant it against the window. Who was she to judge me? She wasn’t walking in my shoes; she knew nothing about me.
Earlier this morning I’d left Tom sleeping, his arm wrapped around Alfie. I felt like a burglar sneaking around my own flat in the early hours of the morning and disappearing out of the door before he awoke. I left him a note by the kettle. I told him I’d be back soon and that I’d gone to visit my parents’ grave. I didn’t want him to worry, but this was something I needed to do by myself. Today was a day I’d been dreading for a while. A day I wanted to be over before it had begun. Tom would be disappointed to wake up and discover that I wasn’t there. He no doubt had the day planned full of lovely surprises for my birthday, but I needed to be on my own – well just for a few hours anyway.
I turned back to face another person, a man sitting in the same compartment. He was mumbling to himself while he fumbled about in a battered old rucksack that was balanced between his knees. The joy on his face said it all as he pulled out a can of Strongbow and snapped the pull. The woman who had tutted at me stood up abruptly, raised her eyebrows and muttered that he should be ashamed of himself before moving to the next compartment. I didn’t judge him; who knew what he had to face once the train pulled into the station. He smiled at me, shaking his head after the woman then he hugged his can like it was the last drink he was ever going to have. No one else entered the compartment for the rest of the journey and we sat there opposite each other in a comfortable silence.
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