‘Five minutes to kick off,’ Pete said, nodding towards the TV. Manchester United were playing Liverpool on their home ground at Old Trafford.
‘It’s like old times,’ David said, smiling at his two buddies. He’d missed this. Not the football, of course. He never watched that. But if it meant spending time with Adam and Pete, he was happy to endure it. Over the past few months, things had been so stressful, they’d not had time to just sit down and be silly. And in his world, there weren’t that many times where he got to just kick back and be a less uptight version of the man he normally had to be.
‘Hey, Confucius. Remember that time you failed to prepare for your presentation to that company? What was it called, Tyrone something or other?’ Pete said, mid-mouthful of pepperoni pizza.
‘Not one of my finest moments. ’Twas Tyrone Communications you’re thinking about,’ Adam replied.
‘Please tell me you were wearing underwear for the presentation,’ David said and looked up in surprise when this question was met with snorts of laughter from Pete.
‘No!’ David said. ‘You didn’t go into the office commando.’
‘Did I heck! I was wearing underwear during the presentation, but . . .’ Adam said.
‘You still managed to show the boardroom your arse!’ Pete snorted with laughter.
‘You have a habit of doing that,’ David said. ‘Flashing in public.’
Pete started to sing, ‘I’ve got you under my skin . . .’ with David joining in.
‘It got me the girl, didn’t it?’ Adam said. Years ago, in the early days of dating Rachel, he almost lost her to her ex-boyfriend Simon. Simon had returned from Hong Kong and decided he wanted to rekindle his romance with her. And he nearly won too. But Adam had fought back and turned up at Rachel’s house, singing, naked, with a red rose stuck between the cheeks of his arse.
‘I had to bring out the big guns that day,’ Adam said.
‘Don’t boast,’ David replied, but he was smiling. Had Adam not stripped, responding to a dare Rachel had given him earlier, maybe she would have stayed with Simon. And that would have been so wrong.
Pete and David watched Adam’s face change as he remembered that day with Rachel. Pete jumped in quickly and said, ‘You’re not getting out of this story, mate. Back to the presentation with Tyrone what’s its name!’
Adam shook his head, and laughed as he continued. ‘There I was, ready to impress the boss with this killer presentation I’d pulled together. I held nothing back. I had histograms, scatter graphs, bar graphs, frequency distributions.’
‘Impressive,’ David said.
‘I have my moments. It was, if I do say so myself, pretty slick. But unfortunately for me, as well as all of those, I had a certain home video made by Wendy, from the Dragon Heen Chinese takeaway, down the high street, sitting on my computer.’
‘They do a mean satay down there,’ Pete said.
‘Never mind the satay!’ David exclaimed, his attention firmly on the story. ‘When you say “home video”, I’m assuming you mean of the Pamela Anderson, Tommy Lee variety?’
‘He does,’ Pete confirmed. ‘By the way, that was a classic.’
‘Great lighting,’ David agreed.
‘Well, unlike Pamela and Tommy, mine wasn’t a planned leak! And it wouldn’t have even been made if I hadn’t been going through an Asian cuisine stage. I used to go the Dragon Heen at least once a week,’ Adam said.
‘And that had nothing to do with the fit blonde at reception, with the big . . .’ Pete looked at the dough balls he had in his hand.
‘Nothing at all,’ Adam laughed. ‘Well, how could Wendy fail to fall for the charms of this wee Irishman? I asked her for a drink and she said yes. One thing led to another and before I knew it things started to get interesting.’
‘And that’s when you made a video?’ David asked.
‘I had no idea she was filming me. I was a reluctant porn star, you could say,’ Adam replied.
‘You jammy bastard!’ David said. ‘Why doesn’t stuff like that ever happen to me?’
‘Robyn not into home movies?’ Pete asked. ‘Jenny isn’t either.’ His face dropped in disappointment.
‘I’m not into home movies!’ Adam exclaimed. ‘I don’t see the point of them,’ Adam said. ‘I should have guessed she was up to something, because she kept ordering me around, saying “move your arse this way, turn that way, make more noise, make less noise”. And there was an awful whiff of sweet and sour off her. A strange night, won’t lie.’
The lads laughed along with Adam, then all reached down to stuff more pizza into their mouths.
‘Anyhow, I’d kind of forgotten all about it. I lost my yin for Chinese food for a while after that. Then a few weeks later, I got an email from her, with a copy of a video she said she thought I might like.’
Pete and David sniggered.
‘I saved it on my computer, planning to look at it later on. I was in the middle of making a slide show for Tyrone Communications.’ Adam paused for a moment. ‘The plan was that the grand finale of my presentation would, with just one click, bring me to an animated graphic, which summarised the analytical data I’d compiled for them earlier.’
‘You’re losing me. Get to the good bits,’ Pete said, stifling a yawn.
‘Well, somehow or other, I put the wrong link in and when I clicked that icon, you can guess, right?’ Adam said.
‘No!’ David exclaimed.
‘Oh yeah. I’d attached the wrong video. Wendy’s . . .’ Adam looked down at the dough balls in front of him, winking, ‘. . . assets were resplendent for all to see on the screen!’
‘Oh my God,’ David said, mouth wide open.
‘It gets better,’ Pete said, grabbing the garlic dip for his fries.
‘Pandemonium broke out. Cue lots of confused looks from my team. But I swear, a few from that room were fast asleep for half my presentation, but all of a sudden they were all eyes!’
‘What did you do?’ David asked.
‘The only thing I could do. I threw myself at the laptop, hitting escape, delete, every button I could find. I had no idea what was coming up next though,’ Adam said, shaking his head.
‘What?’ David asked, watching Pete hold his belly as tears of laughter spilled out of his eyes.
‘I managed to hit pause on the video, right at the moment when my hairy arse came up on the screen. Frozen, in all my glory, for all to see, me, a reluctant porn star!’
David clutched his side, he was laughing so much. ‘Stop, can’t, not able.’
‘Don’t mind telling you, I was lucky to keep my job that day. Gas thing was, Tyrone Communications signed the contract within the hour. They told my boss they’d not had such an entertaining presentation in their lives.’
‘Have you still got it?’ David asked.
‘Absolutely not. Deleted it years ago,’ Adam said. ‘I’d rather take part than watch. End of.
Pete turned up the television. ‘Aye aye, here we go!’
Adam jumped up to grab some more beer, walking backwards so he didn’t miss a moment. He realised, as he moved back to the couch that he was having a good time.
He was having the craic with his mates.
He’d watched a match with his dad the previous week, but it wasn’t the same. Bill didn’t have the same interest. He was more of a hurling supporter than football.
Guilt hit him again, when he thought about his dad. He’d called a few times to check in on him and Matthew. They both were ignoring the row they’d had before he left, skirting around it. His father told him how much he missed them both.
Before he had a chance to give any more thought to that, Ruud van Nistelrooy grabbed possession of the ball. He dribbled through the Liverpool defence and made his way towards the goal. Adam sat back down and passed a couple of beers to Pete and David, who accepted the cans wordlessly, their eyes firmly on the TV.
Then Van Nistelrooy looked to his left and passed the ball to Giggs, who used
his head to shoot towards the goal. They all held their breaths as they watched the ball fly through the air, towards Jerzy Dudek. He dived to his right and the ball soared by him, landing in the back of the net. The three lads jumped up, roaring their appreciation.
‘Did you see that?’ David exclaimed. He picked up a dough ball and shouted, ‘He passes to his left.’ He threw the dough ball to Pete, who leaned forward and headed it with ease.
‘The crowd goes wild . . .’ Adam made a cheering sound.
‘Pizza, pints, good friends and Manchester United . . . that’s the perfect night right here,’ Pete said, mouth full again.
‘If Carlsberg did . . .’ Adam added and they all raised their cans, cheering each other on. ‘Half-time and one up. How bad?’
‘It’s a bit different from the old days though,’ Pete said, throwing his eyes upwards towards where little Adam and Matthew were asleep. ‘Few years ago, we’d have been down the pub, doing tequila shots to celebrate that goal.’
They were silent for a moment as they remembered the many nights they had sat propping up the bar over the years.
‘Have you seen much of each other while I was gone?’ Adam asked. He tried his best to keep a whine out of his voice.
David and Pete looked at each other and shrugged. ‘It’s been busy, what with Jenny moving back in,’ Pete said.
‘And I’ve had my hands full with Robyn,’ David added.
Adam held his hands up and pretending he was juggling. ‘Don’t be boasting now, David.’
‘Look he’s gone all red!’ Pete said, poking David in his side. ‘Lucky bastard is at it night and day.’
‘A gentleman never shares details, but let’s just say that Robyn is a passionate woman,’ David replied, chuffed with himself.
‘Good for you, mate,’ Adam said. ‘Meanwhile, for me, I’m reverting back to my teenage years. Living with my parent, albeit this time it’s at my dad’s, not my mam’s, playing the one-hand wonder.’
‘I locked myself in the bathroom this morning,’ Pete said. ‘You know, to . . .’ He gestured with his hands.
David sniggered like a fourteen-year-old schoolboy.
‘Jenny not up to it now?’ Adam asked. ‘Fair enough. Rachel was the same when she was pregnant towards the end.’
‘Karen and I had sex right up to the last week,’ David boasted.
‘It’s not Jenny that’s the problem . . .’ Pete admitted. ‘I just feel a bit weirded out. I was grand at first, but then one night Jenny was talking about little Adam and how much he looked like me.’
‘He is the image of you,’ Adam said.
‘Mini you,’ David agreed. ‘By the way, am I the only one who gets weirded out every time you call him little Adam?’
‘You’re just jealous he’s not called little David,’ Adam joked.
‘I could never have done what you did, helping Jenny when she delivered him,’ David said. ‘I found it hard enough to cope with Karen’s labours.’
Pete hated that he’d missed Adam’s birth. He was grateful his best friend had stepped in for him. But he wasn’t sure he’d be able to be there for this one either. He felt cold when he thought about it.
Pete loved that his son looked like him. They had the same eyes. The same hair. The same round face. The same smile. When Pete looked at little Adam he saw himself. One version of himself, that is. And he could lose hours looking at the little fella, sitting down at the table, drawing his little stick men pictures, tongue sticking out, completely immersed in the activity. Little Adam made him happy. Made him feel complete. Made him feel hopeful for the future. But this baby . . .
‘What’s going on, mate?’ Adam asked.
‘The thing is . . . well, the thing is . . .’ He paused and looked down. He felt ashamed for even thinking negative thoughts about an innocent little child.
‘Go on,’ Adam urged.
‘The thing is that it’s made me think about what it will be like when this baby is born. It’s not going to look like me, is it?’ Pete said.
‘I don’t know. Sure all babies are small and round,’ David joked.
Nobody laughed.
‘Know your audience, mate,’ Adam said, shaking his head.
‘Sorry,’ David muttered.
Pete waved away his apology.
‘Well, lots of dads have children who don’t look a bit like them,’ Adam said. ‘Sure my Matthew is nearly all Rachel.’
‘Exactly!’ David exclaimed. ‘And Josh isn’t a bit like me. Image of Karen, everyone says so, when they meet him.’
‘Thank fuck for that,’ Pete said, getting his own back for the earlier jibe.
‘Yes. Quite,’ David agreed, happy to take it.
‘It’s not just how the baby looks . . .’ Pete paused.
‘What else then?’ Adam said.
‘You’ll laugh,’ Pete said.
‘No we won’t,’ Adam assured him.
‘Absolutely not,’ David agreed.
Pete took a deep breath. ‘Every time I go near Jenny, I swear I can hear the baby shouting at me through her tummy, “You’re not my daddy.” I feel judged.’
Neither Adam nor David were quite sure what to say to that.
‘Has that ever happened to you?’ Pete looked at each of them.
‘What? As in an unborn child talking through its mother’s tummy to her ex-husband, who’s not the baby’s daddy and who is unsure if he wants to be?’ Adam asked.
‘Yeah. That.’ Pete looked hopeful.
‘No,’ Adam said.
David shook his head too.
‘But, in the spirit of honesty, I did used to imagine Matthew could talk to me when he was a newborn. And whenever he did, he looked a lot like my dead granddad. Narky old sod he was too,’ Adam admitted.
‘What did he say to you?’ Pete asked.
‘Mostly he took the piss, winding me up that Rachel loved him more than she did me,’ Adam said.
‘Is that around the time you got all weird at the naming ceremony?’ David asked.
Adam nodded. ‘I was a complete fecking eejit. No other words for it.’
‘I’ve never had a talking newborn,’ David said to Pete. ‘Or a talking baby in womb. I’m a bit boring though. Not sure I have the same imagination that you guys have. More’s the pity, many would say.’
‘How did you get Matthew to stop talking to you?’ Pete asked. ‘Because Jenny has worked out that I’m avoiding her now. She keeps making all these attempts to get me into bed and there’s only so many times I can claim a headache!’
‘I suspect Jenny is not the kind of woman to be sidelined,’ David said.
‘You suspect right, mate,’ Pete replied.
‘Matthew kind of stopped changing into my granddad when I copped on to myself that I was acting like a gobshite,’ Adam said. ‘In my defence, we weren’t getting much sleep then, so sleep-deprivation had something to do with my hallucinations.’
He felt foolish remembering how jealous he had felt of his son when he first arrived. Rachel was besotted, quite rightly, with her new baby, but became a bit over-protective. And his stupid ego couldn’t take it. He felt sidelined. It all seemed so juvenile now, looking back. What had he been so scared of? He’d sit forever on that same sideline now, to see Rachel holding Matthew in her arms again.
‘You think I’m acting like a gobshite too,’ Pete stated.
‘No, as it happens. I think you’re trying to get your mind wrapped around a tough situation. And it’s wrecking your head. You need to talk to Jenny about all of this,’ Adam said.
‘I can’t. She’s had it rough by all accounts these past few months. She needs me to be strong for her. I can’t let her down,’ Pete said.
‘So what? You’re going to spend the rest of your marriage in the toilet wanking off, rather than have a conversation with her?’ Adam asked.
‘Just your average marriage, so . . .’ David joked, and they all laughed.
‘Talk to your missus,’ Adam said
firmly. ‘Am I right, David?’
‘I don’t know if I’m the right person to ask that. You see, talking to my missus, or rather my ex-missus, is causing me a few problems right now,’ David said.
The two lads turned their attention to him now.
‘Karen’s been having a rough time. She misses Rachel. They were such good friends, more like sisters, really. Karen always said that they grew up together. They each knew where all the skeletons were buried, so to speak. So I’ve been calling over there a bit. Offering a shoulder for her to cry on,’ David said.
‘You’re a good man,’ Pete said.
‘Hang on a minute. You’ve not . . .’ Adam said, pretending he was shagging someone.
‘No! Of course not. We’re friends now. Good friends. The best of friends,’ David protested.
‘But . . .’ Pete said. ‘There’s always a but.’
‘Sometimes, when I’m back in my old home, I wonder if I made the wrong choice. It doesn’t matter how much I love the apartment, I still think of that house as my home. And I miss the kids. It’s not the same being a part-time dad. You should see their faces, well, Josh’s in particular, when I call over. He loves having us all together under one roof,’ David said.
‘I get it,’ Pete replied. ‘Little Adam lights up when it’s the three of us together too. He does this thing, where he grabs us both and says, group hug! Some grip on him for a little fella.’
They all smiled at this.
‘Do you think Karen would want to get back together?’ Adam asked. In many ways that wouldn’t surprise him. A few weeks back, he thought that’s exactly what was going to happen.
‘No!’ David declared. But his face said something different. He looked doubtful.
Adam raised one dark eyebrow at him and David shrugged. ‘I have to admit that sometimes she looks at me, and it’s like it was back in the early days, before things got all messed up.’
‘Where does Robyn come into all this?’ Pete asked.
‘I love her. I’m in love with her. We’re good together,’ David said. ‘I don’t want to lose her.’
‘Sounds like you have your answer then,’ Adam told him.
‘It’s just Robyn is a bit pissed off, with all my running back and forth to Karen. And to top it all, the other weekend I asked her to stay with me and the kids, and it was a bloody disaster.’
Cold Feet: The Lost Years Page 12