Broken Survivor

by Jennifer Labelle

  “I guess so,” Holly said. Living with Karen’s family was definitely a better option than being with Christian anyway. It wasn’t as though her already crowded house was bad, it just wasn’t home.

  ***

  “Who are all these people?” Holly asked, recognizing only about half of the guests in attendance.

  “Beats me.” Chrystal shrugged.

  They’d just arrived at the funeral home, and it felt so surreal, but then again everything did. She was still in denial, because it was so much easier to think her mom would be back from a trip somewhere any moment now. The dream shattered just being there. Funeral homes were so creepy, and as she stood there in front of the small box that contained her mother’s remains still in a state of shock, her heart shattered a little more as she wondered. Was her mother really in there? The box was so tiny, and what did the ashes look like, anyway? Not that she had enough guts to find out. It was so hard to take everything in. The family was permitted a few minutes alone with the ashes before entering the chapel, and she felt a slight panic then as soon as she looked at her mother’s beautiful picture beside the cremation box. She ignored everybody else and went closer.

  “Please come back,” she whispered, hugging the frame to her chest. “Don’t leave us.”

  “Don’t you wish it were that easy?” Chrystal sniffed, and the waterworks began for both. “I miss her so much.”

  “Me too.”

  “Okay, girls, it’s time.” Karen approached and held out her hand for the picture. “We’re supposed to be in the chapel now.” Holly handed over the picture to her aunt, who then handed it to the funeral director.

  And just like that, her mother’s remains were on their way out of sight.

  The place was packed. So much so that all the seats were taken and there was a line forming to the outside. Unbelievable! Holly thought.

  The whole service was an emotional blur. Blessings were given and speeches made, memories were brought up, and her uncle even sang a beautiful song he’d written in Emma’s memory. It was bittersweet agony.

  Food was served afterward, and a sea of faces came into focus with their deepest sympathies and heartfelt condolences.

  There were so many of them. “I feel like I’m living in a dream, Chrys. This can’t be happening to us. I need it to be somebody else. How do I make it stop?”

  “If you figure it out, let me in on the answer because I don’t have a clue. This is crazy.”

  “I know. Does it make me a horrible person if I said I don’t want to be here?” She stood from the table and paced. “I think I need to leave.”

  “Not without me you’re not.” Her big sister got up and followed her outside for some air. “God, it’s hot.” She tugged on the collar of her shirt. “Are you hot too?”

  “Not hot, but I’m freaking out over here.” Holly fanned her face and then bent over to catch her breath. It was as if the walls were closing in and there was no way out. Her heart pounded and she wanted to puke.

  “Join the club.” Chrystal slid down the wall to sit on the grass and breathed the fresh air in deep. “We are so screwed, and the hardest part of the day is still yet to come.”

  “Ugh, tell me about it.” Holly laughed without humor. “Hopefully we’ll be able to pull ourselves together long enough to cope.”

  The door slammed open and out walked Karen. “I see I’m not the only one who needed to get away for a minute. There was a good turnout, but we’ll be leaving soon so we can lay your mom to rest.” The family had decided the burial would be a private event.

  “O-okay,” Holly cleared her throat and then looked away. “What about all of those people?”

  “I’m sure they’ll manage.” She lit a smoke and inhaled long and deep, took a few more drags, and threw the butt away. “Let’s get this over with, shall we?”

  ***

  As much as she hated to be there, the cemetery was beautiful at least. Its lush green landscape was covered in a rainbow of colors from the massive variety of flowers everywhere. They didn’t have far to go. Emma was being laid to rest on a beautiful little patch of land close to the entrance. Holly approached reluctantly and sighed. She wasn’t freaking out as much then and was thankful for the brief break away with Chrystal. That is, until they brought out her mother’s remains again. They huddled together and looked on.

  “No!” she screamed as the funeral director tried to put her mother into the ground, and everyone paused at her outcry. “You can’t, not yet.”

  “We have to, Hol.” Her aunt moved forward on a sob of her own and placed a hand on her shoulder when Holly took her mother back from him to prevent the inevitable from happening just a moment longer.

  “No!” Chrystal joined her, and they both dropped to their knees holding on to their mother tight. Their tears mixed and ran down their faces and onto the container that held her.

  “You weren’t supposed to go, damn it! We need you. How can I say good-bye when she was supposed to have so much more life to live?” Holly cried and looked up with desperation at everyone gathered there. Knowing there was no choice, yet needing answers. Why was life so cruel? Why her?

  Everyone stared speechless. Their uncle slowly pried Holly’s grip loose, and they were left to hold each other as they were given no choice but to see her go into the ground. This was it, the end of Emma Hewitt as they knew her.

  ***

  Two months later

  Blood! There’s blood everywhere. Every time she closed her eyes, the same scene would run over and over again. She was back in their house, cornered, and he was coming at her. Then it was nothing but flashes of her mother’s face, the pool of blood, its splatter, and her broken body.

  Holly gasped, and her heart beat rapidly as she woke from the image. She rose from bed and clutched her chest to try to calm herself. “Pssst, Mercedes, are you awake?”

  Her cousin’s snoring got louder from across the room, and Holly’s shoulders slumped in defeat. There was no way she was going back to bed now.

  Staying at Karen’s seemed to be working out so far. Holly bunked with Mercedes because she had a bigger room. Her cousin Porshia was across the hall, and Chrystal shared a room downstairs with Karen’s oldest daughter Tamara.

  “What the hell?” The quiet house wasn’t so quiet anymore. Something crashed and then banged against a door downstairs, and adrenaline rushed through Holly as she went running to see what was going on. The sound of her running woke everyone up.

  “Where are you going?” Karen came out of her room and rubbed her eyes.

  “Didn’t you hear that? Something crashed.” Just as Holly finished speaking, Chrystal threw open the bedroom door and stopped at the sight of them.

  “I’m sorry, but I’ve gotta go.”

  “What?” Holly couldn’t believe it. “You can’t be serious.”

  “Good!” Tamara stomped out of the room and stood behind her mother in a huff. Meanwhile, Chrystal took the opportunity to storm back in the room and throw some clothes and supplies in a backpack.

  “What’s going on here?” Karen asked looking bewildered.

  “Got into a fight with Tamara.” Chrystal shrugged. “And I’m not staying where I’m not wanted.”

  Tamara stormed off and their aunt followed her.

  “Who says you’re not wanted?” Holly whispered.

  She shrugged again and started crying. “Doesn’t matter, I can’t take it anymore.”

  “Where will you go?”

  “I’m pretty sure I can stay with a few friends. I’ll call you in the morning and let you know where I end up.”

  “No, I’m coming with you.” Holly ran upstairs before anyone could answer and got dressed. By the time she ran downstairs again, her sister already had her shoes on and was standing by the door.

  “You’re not going anywhere!” They startled when Karen entered the room “Don’t go, Chrystal. We can figure out other arrangements.” She cleared her throat. “Please, it’s the middle of t
he night.”

  “I don’t care what time it is. I have to. Don’t you understand? This isn’t home and I can’t go on pretending that it is. This thing with Tamara just opened my eyes sooner.”

  “Like hell it did. Please don’t make a scene out of nothing.”

  “I’m going with you.” Holly raced to get her shoes on, but her sister stopped her before she could get too far.

  “Stop, Hol. I’ll be okay. I’ve got to get myself settled first anyway, and then we’ll figure something out. I’ll visit too, or we could meet up. I’ll call you in the morning, I promise.”

  No! Her head screamed, but instead her shoulders dropped with defeat when Chrystal walked out, leaving her behind. There was no way she was going to win tonight, and it felt as though she’d lost everything that mattered once again. Her mom was never coming back, but at least she had her sister—until then.

  Her aunt helped her back upstairs and left Holly alone once she was tucked securely inside her bed again. But sleep still eluded her, and she eventually cried herself into exhaustion.

  ***

  “I wish the pain inside had an off switch, but nooo, it has to just sit there and suffocate you.” Holly slid down to the floor and rubbed a hand across her face. “I’m suffocating here, Chrys.” Her sister sat beside her and gave her hand a squeeze. Holly took a swig of the bottle she held and grimaced as the sweet burn of alcohol slid down her throat. She was confined to a personal hell she wasn’t sure she’d ever be free of again.

  No matter how much Karen tried to make a good home for her, she couldn’t accept it because she just didn’t feel like she belonged anywhere. It was nothing personal.

  Chrystal drifted from friend to friend for a couple more weeks, and they were both miserable with grief. Christian then decided to intervene and convinced the girls that maybe they’d be better off with him after all. Holly accepted only because it meant she’d be reunited with her sister again.

  Christian played the attentive-father role for a day or two. He’d moved them to the other end of the city and then decided that his new girlfriend and getting high were more important than being there for his daughters, not that they minded. His absence meant they didn’t have to walk on eggshells and they were free to do whatever the hell they wanted. Which meant screw school and everything else. It was a time for living in the moment and taking everything one day at a time.

  “Join the club.” Chrystal let go of her hand and took a sip of her beer. “Life is fucked up.” She sighed. The alkie binge was on again at Maison Hewitt, and the place was packed with people.

  “At least my body feels numb right now.” Holly tried to smile and then quickly stood with a stagger. “Have you ever wondered how much she hurt when it happened? Do you think Mom suffered much?”

  “I prefer not to, but no, I think she went pretty quickly. Why?”

  “Because, if I hadn’t started that argument, maybe she’d still be here. I hope she knows that I’m sorry.”

  “Whatever, Hol, stop being stupid.” Her big sister stood. “What the hell are you on anyway?”

  “I took a hit of acid with Cole and Abby a couple hours ago, and then I decided to join the party.” She held the bottle of vodka up before ingesting more. “Nobody asked you to join my pathetic pity fest.”

  “Whatever!” Chrystal swiped the bottle from her hand. “I think you’re cut off for a while.”

  Holly flipped her off in answer. The night was still young, and she’d find another way to quench her thirst.

  Music blared, bodies swayed, and everyone seemed as though they were having a good time, so why couldn’t she just be fucking normal for once and join in? Because it was never about having fun; it was about trying to forget. Feeling nothing meant there was no pain. Only for the first time in a long time it seemed to be seeping through the haze tonight. I must be losing my buzz or something. Screw this, it’s time for some more!

  “You’ve been sitting here long enough, and I figured enough time has passed for another one of these.” Abby held out a glass as she approached and sat on the couch beside Holly once she grabbed it.

  “I think you’ve read my mind.” Holly sniffed the orange juice to make sure it wasn’t virgin and tried not to gulp too much of the vodka-spiked drink too eagerly. “Thanks!”

  “No biggy.” Abby shrugged. “Want to talk about it?”

  “Hell no, am I that transparent?”

  “A little, not that I blame you, but you are kind of a buzzkill…” Abby left the sentence hanging and tried giving her a sympathetic smile.

  Shit! “Well then, I think it’s time I joined the party again, huh?” Holly swayed, thanked her, and left to join the fun or find a place she could go unnoticed, if one even existed. There was no fucking way she was ready to let anyone see how she was really feeling—not yet anyway.

  She moved through the house, occasionally stopping to talk to people, and decided to descend to the basement, hoping there would be less of a crowd. Maybe she could even find a remotely quiet place down there to crash for the night if she was lucky.

  “Hey, Hol, come ’ere a sec.”

  Well damn. She flinched at the sound of her name being called and chugged the rest of her drink. “So much for sleeping,” she slurred, then turned and pasted on a big old fake smile. “Hey Cole, what’s up?”

  “One guess…” He winked. “I haven’t seen you all night.”

  “Right.” She rolled her eyes and shoved him away playfully. “I’ve been around.”

  “Yeah, but not around me.” He brought her into his embrace to keep her from stumbling and held on a little longer than necessary. “I’ve missed you. How are you feeling?”

  “Why the fuck does everyone keep asking me that?”

  “Shh, don’t get pissy. I just wondered if you were feeling good because I was hoping we could hang out.”

  “Well I was just thinking about going to bed, but what did you have in mind?”

  “Want some company in there?” His lips quirked up and he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

  She could feel the front of his pants swell against her stomach at the thought of it, but she shot him down. “I don’t think so, but thanks anyway.”

  “Oh come on, babe, I bet I can persuade you.”

  No doubt about it.

  His mouth softly caressed hers before the tip of his tongue licked across the seam of her lips and slowly worked its way inside, and man, the boy could kiss, no doubt about it. Their kiss went from sensual to scorching in seconds flat.

  “Mmm,” she moaned. This was so screwed up, yet she craved the intimate contact. He moved them back until he reached a chair and pulled her on top of his lap after he sat.

  “Wait.” Her nails dug into his shoulders. Cole’s hands wandered up her shirt, and his mouth moved to taste the salty sweetness of the bare skin at her neck. “Wait, Cole, what are we doing?”

  “Well, if you have to ask, I guess I’m going to have to try harder to give you a clue.” He chuckled.

  “No, I mean I’m not too sure I want to do this. Slow down.”

  “Ugh,” he groaned, “please tell me you’re kidding.” He blew out a frustrated breath and leaned his forehead against her chest.

  “You okay?” Her labored breathing slowed to a regular rate. Dimly, she thought she’d probably be embarrassed right now, if she wasn’t so drunk and stoned.

  “Dance with me.”

  “What?”

  “I said, dance with me. You want to go slower, so let’s start with this…” Cole got up from the chair and slid her down his body. He turned toward the stereo. “I brought a mix tape with me tonight, so let’s see what we’ve got.” He took the tape out and put it in the stereo.

  “Okay.” She finally managed to close her dropped jaw to smile when he pulled her back in his arms. They slowly swayed to SWV’s “Weak.” “This is nice.”

  “I agree.”

  “And really sweet, but—um, do you think we could listen to somethi
ng a little faster? All this turning is making me dizzy.”

  “Fast, slow, you really should make up your mind.” He smirked. “Fast it is, but first…” He lowered his head again for another peck on her lips, then moved to her forehead to plant a kiss there and one on each eyelid before sliding her lips across her cheek to her earlobe. He nibbled it. “I needed another taste.”

  Holly bit her lip to keep from moaning. His hot breath against her ear gave her goose bumps, and she shivered just a little. What was it they were talking about again? Right, dancing, music, something with a faster beat. Her hands went to her stomach as butterflies fluttered wildly inside, but she felt queasy again when Cole revealed his next plan.

  Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar on Me” began, and she watched him slide the chair he’d been using closer to one of the beams in the basement. “Show me what you’ve got.”

  “What I’ve got?” she repeated stupidly. “Um.”

  “Come on, Hol, dance for me.”

  She bit her lip and stood there, momentarily speechless. Damn, I’m not sure how much longer I can stand up, let alone dance. Can I do this? She shrugged to herself and blinked through the haze. It all feels like a dream anyway, so why the hell not? The real question was would she hate herself come morning? She got the feeling Cole wasn’t expecting her to just move to the music, he was expecting a show. He wanted her to strip.

  She cleared her throat and closed the distance separating them. Her hips swayed, her arms were in the air, and she used the beam to her advantage as a substitute stripper pole. With chest pushed out, her back arched, and hands roaming down her body, Holly slid down the pole and then back up again. He beckoned her closer with a finger, and she complied with legs spread on either side of him when she got to the chair he occupied. Her boobs were in his face now, and her ass was in his lap, moving seductively to the beat.