She was messed up, period.
Christ, three quarters of her “supposed” friends had ditched her because of what had happened. She was a freak and had lost so much already, so why would she want to risk that kind of rejection again? And it wasn’t likely that she’d trust another person enough to fully open up to them anytime soon. Her track record with the opposite sex sucked, and that included her own father. The dick head.
“Yeah, I saw him, but I don’t know who he is,” Holly said.
“Well, that wasn’t the reaction I was hoping for.” Shelby pouted but then perked up. Her mood swings were like an emotional whiplash sometimes. “He asked about you just a minute ago, and I was hoping to give him a little information.”
Here we go, Holly thought and narrowed her eyes. “What kind of information?”
“Well, I was hoping to figure out if there was some potential interest on your end, because I’m pretty sure he has some in you. He was checking you out real good when you came out of your room, and he asked Andrew who you were.” She fanned herself. “Trust me, he liked what he saw.”
Oh, dear Lord, please make this stop. “Look, Shelby, I appreciate the information. Really I do, but I don’t need anyone playing Cupid right now, and I really hate being put in the spotlight.” She stood, and to make matters worse, her face turned beat-red as she did. Everyone in the room seemed to be looking in her direction, including Mr. Apparently Interested. “I’m just not ready.”
She rushed to the safety of her room once more and sighed when the door closed. It was kind of nice to be noticed, though she would never admit it. She smirked, thinking about the guy in the other room. Shelby may have had good intentions, but right then Holly still needed to stay cautious in everything she did and with anyone she let into her life.
***
I love you and don’t you for-duh-get it. I love you and don’t you for-duh-get it. I love you and don’t you for-duh-get it, baaabyyyy. Cha cha cha!
Cold sweat trickled down the side of Holly’s face, and her heart wanted to take a giant leap out of her chest again. The dream had felt so real, and, good Lord, she wanted it to be. She was seeing her younger self cradled in Emma’s arms while her mother sang her silly song that Holly had thought was so funny at the time. She could still hear her giggles when her mother tickled her and blew raspberries on her belly afterward. Sometimes, her mother would sing it while playing with Holly’s hair when she wanted to relax her. She must have been about four or five at the time, and oh how she longed for that type of affection again, the irreplaceable bond. Emma’s voice seemed to be so clear, as though she’d been in the room, and Holly couldn’t shake the feeling that she was being watched.
It was a chilling feeling.
“Mom?”
No answer. It was a silly thought—hell, maybe she was going crazy. A cool breeze swept across her room, giving her goose bumps, and she shivered. Her curtains swayed by the open window, and she slammed it shut. There was an eerie feeling to the room now, so Holly huddled into the safety of her blankets to warm up and whispered, “I love you too.”
She dreamed of her mother often. Most were good, but some were bad with cursed nightmares and flashbacks. A lot of the time, Holly found herself afraid to fall asleep just in case. Other nights she just cried to release some of the pain. With no mother and no sister, she felt left behind, tired, haunted, and alone but she just figured that was a part of her punishment to endure and to relive since she harbored so much guilt for starting the argument that night her mother died.
***
By the sounds of the offbeat chorus, she guessed that she was late. Damn! “Hey, Jess, sorry.” she said as she walked in the door. It had been ages since she’d seen Lauren’s oldest daughter, which was probably one of the reasons she’d taken her time getting to Jess’s house. Holly was sick to death of the awkward encounters. Her curiosity had been the only reason she hadn’t backed out. Emma had met Tiana a few times and always gloated about what a beautiful baby she was. Jess’s daughter was two now, and Holly wanted to finally meet the little squirt her mother spoke so fondly of. In a weird way it almost made her feel connected to her again.
“No worries, I’m glad you could make it.” And there it was… the look. It was as though a person was feeling both sincere sympathy for her and discomfort at being around her. Picture the “glossy eyed but can’t shed a tear” look mixed with a grimace because of the uncomfortable awkwardness. It just didn’t look good on people, so Holly preferred that they not make the effort at all. She was still the same person, damn it. People either seemed to walk on eggshells around her, afraid she would fall apart, push her to her limits by putting her down, Or they’d just walk away for good.
“Wouldn’t miss it.” Holly chuckled. “And it looks like I’m just in time for some cake. Here, let me help you.” The delicious dessert had been cut and placed on a tray to be served. The least she could do was make herself useful. Jesse had her hands full managing her hyper child and entertaining guests.
“All right, people, who wants some cake?” Holly’s smile faded to a blush when she stepped into the living room and met familiar big brown eyes.
He stood in the far corner surrounded by two other young men and an older woman. His dark, wavy hair still itched to be tamed, and for some reason he didn’t seem as surprised as she did to be meeting again. Who the hell was he? And why couldn’t she get over this attraction? Double damn!
“Is that some interest I see?” Shelby snickered. “Why don’t you go ask him if he wants some cake?” She nudged Holly forward and almost made her drop the tray in the process.
“Hey!” Holly steadied herself. “I can’t just go over there. Jess can bring them some. I mean—” She cleared her throat. “Who are they?” But the million dollar question she wanted an answer to was, who was he?
“Well, his name is Alexander, and the two other guys he’s talking to are Jasper and Sebastian, his older brothers.”
“Names are great, Shelby, but that still doesn’t tell me who they are. And what’s with this whole matchmaker thing you have going on? I’ve already told you I wasn’t interested in getting involved right now.” She was too messed up to even think of it and also a little afraid to take that type of leap.
Her foster sister rolled her eyes. “Lighten up, geez. Sebastian is Jess’s boyfriend and Tiana’s father, so that would make Alexander and Jasper a part of our extended family.” She smiled. “And now that you’re a part of it as well, we might as well go and get the proper introductions over with, huh?”
Not waiting for an answer, she dragged Holly forward, and she had no choice but to follow or cause a scene. She didn’t want the latter. It wasn’t the time or place.
***
“So have you been living with Lauren for very long?”
The cake had been served and eaten, and while she helped clean up, Alexander took the opportunity to talk to her now that they’d been introduced.
“No, just a few weeks.” She gave him a smile. He seems like a good guy so far. It’s not so bad. Breathe, Holly, breathe, and for the love of God, don’t blush anymore. You’re embarrassing yourself. The little pep talk in her mind barely worked, and she was reluctant to listen to her instincts. Guys were okay as friends, but anything else made her nervous.
“Well, it explains why I haven’t seen you around until recently.” He helped her take the dishes to the kitchen, and now that they were out of sight from everyone else, he seemed to take a bolder approach. “But I like the view.”
She stiffened a little and wouldn’t look him in the eye. “You like what?” She blushed again.
“I like the view, and I’d like to see you more often. Would you like to—”
“I’m flattered. Zander, really I am, but I’m just not ready to jump into anything right now.” She felt the need to interrupt him to try to spare his feelings. She knew firsthand what rejection felt like, and he seemed like a really nice guy. “I have a lot going on, and i
t just wouldn’t be fair to start anything with you. I hope you can understand.”
He chuckled. It was an awkward moment, but she had to give herself props for being so honest, and he seemed as though he admired that quality. “I get it, Holly, really. I already overheard you tell Shelby that you weren’t interested, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends, does it?” He threw up his hands in good faith. “No funny business, I swear it.”
“No funny business, huh?” She smiled. “Look, I never meant I wasn’t interested. I just don’t think I can give you anything more than a platonic friendship right now. My life is kind of messed up.”
Alexander radiated confidence. A person could tell that just by looking at him. He was laid-back, easygoing, and a little bit of a flirt. “All right.” Now that he knew what she needed, he seemed to admit defeat. “I can do platonic. Maybe we can grab a coffee sometime?”
“Coffee?” She shook her head. “I actually can’t stand the stuff.”
“Seriously?” He laughed. “You certainly don’t make it easy on a guy, do you?”
“You know, I kind of like you,” she teased. “Maybe I will keep you around once in a while. I’ll think about your offer, okay?”
“I’ll look forward to it. I like the nickname by the way.”
“Nickname?” What he’s talking about, nickname?
“You called me Zander. I usually get Alex. It’s cute, especially coming from you.” He winked. “And I have a feeling that you’ll be worth the wait.” With that said, he left her speechless and went to join his brothers again.
***
“Can you tell me how it started?”
“My mother went out to celebrate her birthday. My cousin and I had spent part of the night hanging out, and she’d just left me to go home. After, I went upstairs to put on my pajamas, but I got distracted.”
“And what distracted you from getting ready for bed?” Jace jotted notes on his yellow pad of lined paper while she talked.
“Him. He was on the phone with an acquaintance both he and my mother knew. Saying bad things and making her look bad. He was talking dirty, and was angry with her for breaking up with him. So I decided to grab some paper and write everything he was saying down so that I could show her she was making the right decision by kicking him out.”
“And how did that make you feel?”
Seriously? Why do they always ask that?
“Now or then?” she asked. “This is so hard.”
“I understand, Holly. Take your time.” He leaned back in his chair, put down his pen, and steepled his fingers. “How about we start with then?”
“I was worried, but I felt good about it, I guess. My mother took my father back for much worse, and I was afraid she’d do the same with him. It was so much better when it was just the three of us. Why did she have such crappy taste in men? And why did she feel like she needed one in the first place?” Holly looked up almost pleadingly for someone, anyone, to give her an answer. “If I could just go back and do it over, I don’t think I would have done it the way I did, though. My stupid impulse to give her those damn papers is what started the argument that night, and I’ll have to live with that guilt for the rest of my life.”
“So your feelings now are regret for trying to help her? Because from what you’re telling me, it seems you had her best intentions at heart. It’s also not your fault that she died, Holly. You didn’t put the weapon in his hands and weren’t there to encourage him to do what he did. You were a child trying to protect her mother from future heartache, a kid who tried to help her make the right decision. I’m sure she understood your intentions, and I know she certainly wouldn’t want you to blame yourself. Your mother was a loving person, and she’d want to see you happy, don’t you think?”
“Probably.” She laughed through her tears now. “So you think she’d forgive me?”
“Absolutely, because the way I see it, there’s nothing to forgive.”
The room was quiet except for the scratch of his pen as she processed what he was saying. “So what happened next?”
“I snuck back downstairs unnoticed and waited for her to come home.”
“Was he there when she arrived?”
“No,” she whispered, “he left shortly before on his bike. When my mom came home, I barely let her come through the front door before I dragged her to the living room and explained what happened. You should have seen her. She was heartbroken, and I can remember feeling the same pain because what I gave her put that look on her face. It was like she was crushed that someone would say those things. Let alone someone she spent the last two years with. He was a guy who was supposed to love her once upon a time.”
Jace looked up from his desk. “And what happened next?”
“She told me to go to bed, and I apologized.”
“What are you apologizing for?” Emma joined her on the stairs and lifted Holly’s chin so she’d look at her.
“For upsetting you. I wanted to show you you’re making the right decision.”
“Don’t worry about it, honey. I’ll make this right, okay? Now go to bed, it’s late.” Emma turned to go back down again.
“Are you sure? I want to stay with you.” Holly reached over to hug her. “Are you going to confront him?”
“I don’t know. Maybe?” Her mom looked close to tears right then. “Go to bed, please.”
“Okay, I love you, Mom.”
“I know, baby, I love you too.”
“See you in the morning?” Holly gulped, already feeling guilty for giving her those cursed papers and making her mother upset.
“See you in the morning. Now go.”
“The last thing I remember before going to my room was seeing her shoulders slump when she turned to go back into the living room. She waited for him and then died because of it.” Holly wiped her face with her sleeve, and he handed her a box of Kleenex. “Thanks.”
“You did good, kid.” Jace got up and rounded his desk to stand beside Holly. “You opened up to me, and I’m proud of you. Do you want to continue, or would you prefer to pick up where we left off next time?”
“Is that a trick question?” She laughed without humor. “Next time. I think I need a break or I’ll never stop crying.”
“You got it.”
***
The Stray Cats played on the record player, and childish giggles echoed throughout the living room. “More, Mommy, more….yay!” Holly cheered while her mother happily twirled her and then Chrystal around the living room floor. Emma was an avid music lover and would often dance with them to whatever records she had. From disco to teaching them the robot, she’d lovingly danced so they could easily mimic her movements. Holly missed the precious quality time, longed for it to return to them.
The giggles began to fade and she was pulled from the memory. “Earth to Holly.” Frustrated snapping fingers flashed in front of her. “Hello in there.”
She slapped them away. “Geez, Chrystal, was that necessary? Shit, it’s annoying.”
“Yes.” She smiled. “What’s with you lately? You’re distracted, distant, and not paying attention to a damn thing around you.”
She wasn’t sure what to say. Could she really answer that she felt as though it would take too long to explain? It was too hard to explain anyway. “It’s nothing. I’m just getting flashbacks again. I kind of feel lost, you know? I just wish that we could still be together again. Instead, you now live about an hour away and I’m stuck in foster care. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all bad, but it’s still not family. I feel like my family is gone, even though you’re still here and with me right now. You know what I mean?”
“I do, but we’ll figure it out.” Her sister leaned forward to give her a hug. “Someday life will make sense again. We’ll make it good, maybe not now, but someday. You’ll see. It’ll get easier for us. In the meantime, we could try hanging out more often. It’s you and me against the world, kid.”
“Kid?” Holly chuckled. “Ri
ght, ’cause the three years between us makes you so much older, is that it?”
“Hey,” she teased. “Okay, so maybe I’m wrong. If I recall correctly, everyone seems to think that you’re the older one, remember?” Chrystal looked smug. Although much taller, voluptuous, and more developed, her sister had a baby face and such an innocent look with her big blue eyes and pouty full lips that people often mistook Holly as the older sister.
She rolled her eyes. “Whatever, rub it in, why don’t you?” What people thought hadn’t really bothered her. It was just kind of nice to be messing with Chrystal again, like sisters were supposed to do.
“So tell me about the flashbacks?”
“How about I not and say I did? Because I was kind of hoping you’d ignore that part.” She felt like a freak again and was tired of it, truly and honestly exhausted with her grief. But if anyone could understand, it would be her sister. “It’s nothing. They’ve been good memories lately, anyway. Old songs Mom used to sing. The way she used to twirl us in the living room, and the damn robot dance.” She smiled and then shrugged. “I guess I should just be thankful because they could be so much worse.”
“Tell me about it.” Chrystal shuddered. “Speaking of nightmares, have you seen Dad lately? He hasn’t been bugging you again, has he?”
Christian thought he still had a right to be a part of their lives after everything he’d done, the abuse, the drugs, and the disgusting women to boot. She shuddered just at the mention of him. The last time they’d seen their father hadn’t been a good experience. He was strapped for cash and severely jonesing for his next hit. He couldn’t get one, so he wanted to hit them instead. Thankfully they escaped unharmed from that fiasco, but would they be so lucky next time? He hadn’t made any contact since.
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