Broken Survivor

by Jennifer Labelle

  She watched her mother cradle her younger self, murmuring sweetly and trying to find out what she’d been doing locked inside the closet.

  “What the fuck is going on?”

  They jumped when Christian entered.

  Emma placed Holly behind her as if to shield her. “What’s going on is that our daughter was stuck in a closet. Where the hell were you?”

  “None of your damn business. She looks fine to me, so what’s the fucking problem?”

  “The problem?” Emma spoke through a clenched jaw. “The problem is that our daughter was in a closet while you were supposed to be watching her. Jesus Christ, Christian, I can’t even go to work without worrying what might happen. I can’t rely on you for anything anymore, can I?”

  “Fuck you!”

  “Watch your mouth,” she snapped and then turned around to look at her daughter again. “Honey, why don’t you go in your room? Mom will be there in a sec to read you a story, okay?”

  “No, she won’t.” Christian wrapped his hand around Emma’s hair and dragged her to him “Mommy thinks she’s a smartass, trying to tell me what to do. And if you know what’s good for you, you’ll leave now, little girl.”

  “Ouch, Christian, you’re hurting me.” Emma kicked and cried out while Holly whimpered with fright.

  “You ain’t felt nothing yet, sweetheart.” He smiled and wrapped his hand tighter so that she was forced to look at him. Grabbing their daughter with his free hand, he managed to shove her in the other direction. “I said go, before you piss me off and I give you some of this too.”

  “You bastard.” Her mother kicked him in the shin. “Don’t threaten my baby. You touch her and you’ll regret it.”

  “Oh, you stupid bitch—”

  Holly stood there, watching her younger self scream and run, begging her dad to stop hitting her mom. She was helpless in the situation, and not old enough yet to realize she could call the police. Her childlike face stopped crying suddenly to stare right where her grown-up self, stood, and she whispered, “Please help her.”

  Holly was light as a feather now and floating freely. Darkness surrounded her again, but this time it felt peaceful. A light flickered from below, catching her attention, and then gravity hit and she was sucked down. As she fell, she could see herself sleeping. Her body was spread out and comfortable, hogging her bed as she hugged her drool-soaked pillow tightly.

  Hovering above her body, Holly took a giant leap.

  Her body jerked her awake, and it took a moment to calm her rapid heartbeat.

  What the hell was that?

  She wasn’t alone.

  His breath was close to her ear when he whispered, “Make a sound and I’ll slit your throat from ear to ear.” She tensed and fought not to whimper and cry out. “Good girl.”

  This time it was Clay’s face that became visible after he’d forced her onto her back. Straddling her, he pinned her hands down with one hand while he held the knife to her throat with the other. He chuckled as if he enjoyed seeing her fear. “Scared, sweetheart?”

  She whimpered and nodded and then screamed when the knife traveled lower and cut her.

  She thrashed and screamed, fighting the person restraining her before fully coming out of the dream.

  “Holly, stop!”

  She opened her eyes and gasped when she heard the sound of Zander’s voice bringing her out of the nightmare. Wide-eyed and flushed, she whimpered and then sobbed against him.

  “It’s me babe, it’s just me. Everything’s going to be okay,” he soothed

  Memories of her father through dreams and flashbacks had been bad enough, but her fear of Clay one day coming back for her shone through the nightmare loud and clear.

  Zander rubbed the back of her head and pulled her closer for comfort. She was shaking like a leaf, and her tearstained face soaked his chest.

  “I’m so sorry,” she whimpered, and he held her closely until she fell back to sleep.

  Chapter Nine

  Holly’s shoulders slumped in exhaustion. “The dreams and flashbacks are coming more often.”

  “What kind, good ones or bad ones?” Jace leaned back and waited patiently for her to answer him.

  “They’re memories of what happened that night, brief glimpses of how she looked when he killed her. There’s always blood everywhere, and I just see her there… lifeless. Some of the dreams don’t even make sense. I can see her asking me for help, but it’s always afterward, and of course I’m too late to do anything. Then there are other times where it feels like she’s there with me, and I think I might be going crazy.” She snorted. “I’m probably not that far off the mark there, huh? I have good memories and dreams of her too, but they’re not coming to me as often as the memories of how Christian used to be or those last moments before Clay ended it all. And it’s like I’m seeing it all again through new eyes, as if I’m back there but watching at the sidelines. Sort of like an out-of-body thing. Like I said, it’s nuts, right?”

  “Everyone has a different way of coping, Holly.” Jace knelt in front of her and gave her the Kleenex box, just in case she had another meltdown. “I’m not sure what they mean exactly, but I think it’s your mind’s way of helping you cope. You’ve kept so much inside for so long, and now you’re overwhelmed, and it’s all coming out in pieces. You’re not crazy. You’re trying to heal yourself.”

  “It doesn’t feel that way,” she grumbled and folded her arms protectively around her midsection. “I hate feeling so vulnerable.”

  “I get that. I don’t think anyone enjoys feeling that way.” He moved around his desk and took a seat again. “I may know another healing strategy or two. It may require some extra work on your part, though, if you’re interested.”

  That got her attention. “What kind of work?”

  “Well the first would be that you see a psychiatrist to talk more about this. He may also be able to prescribe something to help you with your anxiety and depression. The second would be to write your mother a letter. It won’t be easy, I’m sure, but jot your feelings down on paper. Tell her how you’re feeling and what you’ve been through. It could be about anything, really.”

  “And, the letters actually work?” She was skeptical but figured trying couldn’t hurt. The psychiatrist on the other hand…“I guess it seems easy enough to write a few letters, but I’m not so sure I’m ready to see a shrink. Trusting people is hard for me, and I’d prefer to stick with you.”

  “Okay for now, but you may change your mind about talking to somebody else in the future. Just think about it. Might I add that I’m honored you trust me enough to open up, and I’m more than happy to continue helping you out. As for the letters, you’d be surprised.” He chuckled. “It may sound easy, but I assure you it won’t be.”

  “If it’s so hard, then why mention it? Don’t you think I have enough on my plate as it is?”

  “You do, but I think you’ll thank me in the end.” He clasped his hands and leaned forward. “I have an appointment and need to get going. Why don’t you give it a shot and we’ll pick up where we left off next time.”

  “Whatever.”

  ***

  Holly felt like she’d just retched up a lung. As she groaned while hugging the toilet bowl, she couldn’t remember the last time she’d thrown up this much. Lying there, she waited for the next round to come up.

  She’d been dealing with fatigue, nausea, and vomiting for the last three weeks, and she couldn’t hide them anymore by avoiding the people she lived with. When the symptoms became more frequent, she’d been afraid to further complicate things with Lauren in the little time she had left in her house. But her period was also late, and she knew her foster mother would nag her about going to the doctor. But, pregnant? Could that be it? She was afraid to find out.

  “How long have you been feeling this way?” Lauren looked concerned and held her hair back every time she got sick.

  “A few weeks on and off.” Holly groaned and pressed her ch
eek against the cold tile floor. She’d been flushed and sweating, and it felt good to cool off, but bile rushed to her throat and she retched again.

  “A few weeks? That would be around the time you and Alex started to see more of each other.”

  “I guess so. Look, I’d prefer not to talk about Zander right now. It’s probably just the flu.” Lord, I hope it’s the flu. Please let it be the flu, please let it be the flu.

  The thought of beginning a family of her own was tempting. Having a child would fill a void. She’d have somebody to love, and who would love her in return. She’d be a mom. It was tempting to get her hopes up, but deep down it was also scary as hell. Right then, even she could admit this was probably not the best time for a pregnancy to happen.

  “Uh-huh.” Her foster mother tapped her foot. “I think I’d feel better if we got you to a doctor to make sure everything’s all right. Try hopping in the shower, and while you’re cleaning yourself up, I’ll call to see if the doctor’s office can squeeze you in today.”

  Holly grimaced at the thought of having to move and hoped that a shower would replenish her enough to make it to her appointment without blowing chunks again.

  ***

  Holly felt flushed and tired while she sat in the doctor’s office waiting for her to return. Lauren had kept her word by escorting her there, clearly concerned and hoping that nothing was wrong—in other words, that she wasn’t pregnant. Holly made her wait in the waiting room. There were just certain things a girl needed privacy for.

  The doctor drew blood, made her pee in a cup, and checked her temperature. She was poked and prodded both internally and externally, and she couldn’t wait to get out of there and into bed.

  She sighed, thinking of the future. In five more weeks she’d be on her own. She only had a short time left to secretly enjoy having someone care for her like a mother. She missed Emma so much, and although she hadn’t gotten along with Lauren sometimes, she was the closest thing to a mother Holly had now. Only Lauren had a lot going on right then: a problem with migraines, a marriage that was on the rocks, and a stressful job as an addictions counselor. There was no room for Holly’s messed-up life in the mix. She felt as though she’d overstayed her welcome and it was time to move on.

  “All right, Holly.” Dr. Ryerson had left her alone to get dressed again, and Holly startled when she spoke, not expecting her to be back so quickly. “It’s probably just a stomach virus, but your guardian seems to be worried there might be a possible pregnancy. From my internal examination there didn’t seem to be any swelling to indicate it, but from what I understand you’d be in the very early stages anyway, so we can’t rule it out. We’ll just do a quick test on the urine sample you provided before you go and see what turns up first.”

  “So how long does it take to get an answer?”

  “Oh, only a couple of minutes.”

  Holly bit her lip and tried not to look as nervous as she felt. Pregnant? Nah! No F’in way.

  A couple minutes later, the doctor sighed and raised a brow. “Well, it looks like there are HCG levels present here—”

  “What are those?” In English, please.

  “Human chorionic gonadotropin is also known as the pregnancy hormone. It’s very light, but this test is showing me a positive result.” She waved Holly over to take a look at it. “Part of these symptoms you’re experiencing is obviously due to the pregnancy, but I also think you’ve caught a virus. I’m recommending a few days rest and plenty of fluids. I’ll also be sending you home with a care package. There’ll be magazines, pamphlets, and of course prenatal vitamins that I’d like you to start taking right away.”

  Pregnant, seriously? Suspecting it and actually confirming it were two different things. This was surreal, and she couldn’t stop staring at the barely-there second line that confirmed it.

  The doctor placed a comforting hand on her shoulder and spoke again. “There will be information pertaining to your options in the care package, Holly. In the meantime, I do think you should talk to someone so you’re not alone in this. Your foster mother seems to care, and you might want to start with her. Is the father still in the picture?”

  “Yes.” Holly moaned in discomfort and wondered how Zander would react. Did the condom break?

  They weren’t even an official couple, more like good friends with benefits. She wasn’t looking forward to what his reaction might be. It’ll probably be bad. Still, she vowed to tell him and raise the child on her own if she had to. She knew he was a great guy, but she wasn’t sure this was going to be the greatest piece of news for him. She was used to preparing for the worst despite what Jace said about needing to train herself on looking forward to the good in life. Easier said than done.

  “Well, that’s good.” The doctor feigned a smile. “It looks like you’ll have some people to talk to and options to figure out. I’ll want to see you again in a couple of weeks to check on how you’re doing, and we’ll take another test at that time to see if the results come in stronger. I’ve never come across a false positive, but…” She shrugged. “It won’t hurt, will it? If you’ll just follow me, we’ll get your supplies and you can be on your way.”

  Holly hopped off the table and paused before they got to the door. “I just want to be clear this stays between the two of us, right?”

  “It does, but I strongly recommend that you tell her about it. She’s bound to find out sooner or later.” They both knew she was talking about Lauren, but Holly was more focused on how she was going spill the beans to Zander.

  “Keep this just between you and me,” she whispered to the doctor before walking out ahead of her. Thankfully the package of information and vitamins wasn’t all that large, and she was able to hide it in her bag. A few more weeks and she’d be on her own, and it wouldn’t matter what anyone thought about it, anyway.

  “So how did it go?” Her guardian stood and gathered their coats.

  “Fine.”

  Lauren looked skeptical. When Holly left Dr. Ryerson’s office, she exaggerated her sickness so she wouldn’t have to talk about anything else. When they got home she went straight to bed and pretty much stayed there for the next couple of days, only resurfacing to shower and eat what little she could keep down, which was also the perfect opportunity to try to begin Jace’s challenge to write her feelings down for the sake of closure.

  Dear Mom,

  Congratulations, you would’ve become a grandmother.

  I wish you could be here to help me through this. I feel so lost and alone and I could really use your advice right about now.

  I miss you.

  Love you always,

  Holly

  Ugh, this really is harder than I thought it would be. I know how I feel, so why is it so tough to actually put it down on paper? Holly blew out a frustrated breath, ripped the sheet of paper out of her notebook, crumpled it, and threw it in the trash. She curled up into a ball and tossed the covers over her face to try to shut the world away.

  A few days later, Lauren still wouldn’t let up on finding out if her suspicions were warranted. “Well, what did she say?”

  She’d encouraged Holly to take a walk with her around the neighborhood, now that she’d started to feel a little better. Lauren had clearly wanted to have a talk and figured this was the best way to avoid Shelby or Andrew listening in.

  Holly smiled and felt like getting a rise out of her that moment. “She thought it was most likely a stomach virus or something.” She shrugged and tried to be as vague as possible, knowing that Lauren was a woman who craved details and this would drive her nuts.

  “Have you started your period yet? I mean, I expressed my concern that you were late. She didn’t give you a pregnancy test?”

  Holly shrugged again. “She said I would be in the very early stages anyway and didn’t detect anything from my internal examination. Thanks for that, by the way.” At least that part is true, just not all of it…

  Lauren rolled her eyes. “Look, I know you’
ve been sexually active, and don’t tell me otherwise. It’s important for a young woman to take care of her body, and having a pap test is just another joy of being a woman.” Holly noted the sarcasm there. “It has to be done to make sure everything is okay and stays that way, and when I mentioned my suspicions the doctor probably examined you as a routine habit.” Lauren laughed and Holly grimaced.

  “Yeah, I sort of knew that already, and it’s not very appealing. There’s nothing like having your doctor feel you up with a tit exam and then finger you and stick cold metal shit up there to make sure it’s all in working order…not! Talk about uncomfortable.” Men really did have it easy when it came to stuff like that.

  Lauren ignored her rant and rolled her eyes. “So it’s too early to tell, then? I guess we’ll have to wait for the next couple of weeks, and hopefully in the meantime your period will come and we’ll have nothing to worry about.”

  Not likely, because guess what, the test was positive. She had the sudden urge to stick her tongue out but refrained. “Oh come on. I think it would be cool to be a mom.” She smiled devilishly. It was time to really get that rise. “And since you’re technically my foster mother and my mother isn’t around anymore, can I get my kids to call you grandma?” Here we go, let’s let the fireworks begin. Boy this is fun.

  “You’re not being funny, Holly.” Lauren’s eyes looked as though they were about to explode from their sockets.

  “Oh come on, Lauren, my child will be deprived a grandparent. Wouldn’t you like to fill that position for me? Or should I say for them?” She put a hand on her belly to be dramatic, and Lauren fell for the bait, hook, line, and sinker.

  “Knock it off.” She scowled. “I’m not your mother, and nobody would ever be able to replace her. I do, however, have to say that I hope you’re not trying to get pregnant on purpose. Alex is a nice young man with his entire future ahead of him. You, on the other hand, have past, present, and future to handle. I am proud of how you’re coping, but a child is the last thing you need to add to your life at this time. Heck, look at Jess. She’s much older than you, she’s got the help of all of us, and she still struggles sometimes. Being a parent is hard work, and I don’t think you need that type of responsibility with things the way they are. Don’t you want to do something with yourself?”