***
Dear Mom,
I sometimes wonder if these letters are even helping. What happens after you die?
Is there a heaven and hell, or are we already living in it? Do you just cease to exist? Like in an endless black hole of nothingness, kind of like when we sleep without remembering anything of the dreamless night before while we’re alive on this earth? Do we somehow relive our lives like a horrible slide show?
Do you actually get to look over your loved ones left behind? Heck, is there even a God out there? I’d love to think so, because it gives us hope, but silly as it is, I still sit and wonder. There’s so many of them. Which one do you choose?
Religion always confused me, and church seems kind of cultish. Sorry, Big Guy. If you’re up there and do exist, please forgive me. I pray, though. Do you ever hear me?
I’m a little lost, and sometimes it’s still hard to breathe without you. Here I’m having a child with an amazing man, and it should be the happiest time of my life, and it really has been, I guess. But then I think of how much I need you, and I become sad. I have questions and you’re not around to answer them for me. Like do you think I should breastfeed or bottle feed? ’Cause, I tell you, the thought of breastfeeding kind of turns me off. Does that make me a bad person? Would you have had any parenting tips for me? Do you think I’ll be a good mother? I could go on and on…
I do promise you one more thing. I am going to make it my life’s duty to try. I already love this baby inside of me to the moon and back times infinity. I’ll love and cherish him, do my best to make him happy, and do anything else I can to give him the best life possible. And I have no doubt Zander will too. He’ll be such a great dad. Unlike my own!
Sorry. Christian is at it again, and it frustrates the hell out of me. How can one person be so selfish and idiotic? He’s toxic. I can’t subject myself to it anymore. I will not expose my son to him or his lifestyle, that’s for sure, so I’m moving on with my life without him in it for good this time. I hope you understand.
I fear the nightmares are starting to begin again, because for some reason I’m getting more flashbacks. I really wish I had a better memory of your last moments, the healthy, beautiful you. Instead I’m stuck with the latter, the gory, bloody parts. If I could take back listening in on Clay’s conversation, I would in a heartbeat. I certainly wouldn’t have written anything down for you to confront him with. Maybe you would’ve gone to bed instead and nothing would have happened. Will you forgive me?
I’m working toward forgiving myself. The guilt is always in the back of my mind, but I’m trying to be a better person for me, one to make you proud. The bad girl no more.
They say only the good die young, and I believe them because you were amazing, and I’m glad for the time that we had. I just wish there could have been more of it. To think you’ll never see or get to hold your grandson tears me apart inside.
I pray I’m blessed with being able to watch my children grow, to see them have children of their own, and if I’m really lucky, I’ll get to see a few great-grandchildren too. You’ll look out for us, won’t you? Because if it’s up to me, heaven will have to wait a long time before I get to those pearly-white gates.
I miss you so, so much it pains me.
You’re in my heart always.
XOXO
Holly
***
Summer 2001
Four months later
“Oh, I’m not feeling so good.” Holly let out a big burp and blushed.
“You sure it’s not gas?” Skye asked and smirked. Zander was swamped at work and couldn’t make it to the doctor’s appointment today and didn’t want her to be alone so close to the due date, so his mother had offered to stay with her.
She snorted. “I don’t think so. I just feel kind of funny. I can’t explain it.”
“Well, maybe your son got his eviction notice already. You are due tomorrow.” She chugged her coffee and stood. “Thank God we’re on our way to the doctor’s now, so he could check you out.”
“My appointment’s not for another half an hour. Sit and finish your bagel at least.”
“I can say the same to you.” Skye gestured to her own half-eaten bagel and bottle of apple juice.
“I don’t think I can finish mine, but I will try to keep down the juice.” She grimaced. Damn, what the hell is wrong with me? She twisted in her seat, feeling not exactly discomfort but more of a constant pressure. “You know what, maybe you’re right. I think I need to at least get some fresh air. It’s too hot in here, and I feel like I’ll puke if I stay.” They left the breakfast establishment near her doctor’s office and walked across the street to go to her appointment She sat on the bench just outside the building’s doors and took a few deep breaths, slowly in and out until the nausea subsided. “Can you tell me what it was like for you?”
“What would you like to know?”
“I don’t know. Did you feel weird when you were about to pop too? I’m feeling a lot of pressure right now. It doesn’t hurt, but it’s not a normal thing, either. Do you know what I mean?” She sighed, wishing she could explain it better.
“Of course I do. I had three kids. What you’re feeling is your body’s way of getting prepared for the baby’s delivery, but just in case, I think we should go upstairs and get you checked out. Be sure to tell them about the pressure and the weird feelings when we get there. It’s important.” His mother looked at her sternly and she rolled her eyes.
“Yes, ma’am.” She held back the salute and carefully got up to follow her potential mother-in-law inside.
***
“What’s the matter?” Skye stood from her seat in the waiting area.
Wide-eyed and knowing she was probably a little pale, Holly shook her head and gestured for her to take a seat again. She had to speak to the receptionist pronto because she needed the doctor ASAP.
“Can I help you?” The older lady asked, looking mildly concerned. “You can just put your urine sample by the sink—”
“But that’s the thing,” she said and with a shaky hand pointed to said sample. “I’ve been feeling really funny all morning. I told you about the pressure and stuff, but now there’s blood, and lots of it. Is everything going to be okay?”
“Okay, I’ll take this off your hands. My name is Ginger. Why don’t you have a seat right there, hon.”
“O-okay.” She bit her lip nervously and watched Ginger put a little white stick inside her pee to test it.
“Oooh yeah, there is quite a bit of it, isn’t there? I’ve got your file already in the doctor’s slot. When did you say your due date is again?” She dumped the stick in the trash and walked across the office quickly to empty the small bottle down the sink before coming back to her to hear Holly’s answer.
“Tomorrow.”
“Well, then this all makes sense. You’re about to have that baby anytime. It won’t be long now. I’ll let the doctor know what’s going on so he can check you out right away. I’ll make sure of it. Just sit tight for a minute I’ll be right back.” Her giddy expression and lively voice didn’t help any, and all Holly could do was nod.
Dear Lord! Okay, Hol, you’ve been preparing for the last nine months. Don’t be scared now. Think of finally meeting your son, and it will all be good. Don’t think of what you’re about to go through. It’s normal to be jumpy with your first one, you don’t know what to expect. It’ll be okay, just breathe.
“What’s going on? You’ve got no color left.” Skye got up to join her.
“I’m bleeding now too, and the receptionist thinks that I’m about to give birth at any time now. She says I’ll be able to see the doctor very shortly to check things out. Looks like you’ll be a me-mere again before you know it.”
“Yesss,” she hissed and made Holly laugh when she did a little dance right then and there out of excitement. It kind of shocked her. “My baby is going to have his own baby anytime now.”
Murmurs of “oh, congratulati
ons” circulated.
After the nurse called her in to see the OB-GYN minutes later, the doctor found out she was four centimeters dilated and her cervix was thinned out. He suspected he’d see her in the hospital by nightfall, but she wasn’t in active labor yet, so he allowed her to go home for the time being.
The morning had completely drained her, and all she craved was a shower and a nap. With a little persuasion, Holly convinced Skye to go ahead home so she could have time to pack a bag and do what she needed to prepare. Three showers and a long nap later, she woke up in full labor.
Ugh! She couldn’t take waiting any longer and picked up the phone to call Zander.
“Hey, are you almost home?” She gripped the receiver tightly and rubbed her sore back.
“Not quite, we’re just packing it in. I should be leaving in about twenty minutes or so, though. Why, what’s up?”
“Because I saw the doctor today and he thinks I’m about to have the baby anytime, and I’m in labor right now!”
Zander went from calm to a wreck in seconds flat. “Okay, I’m already in the truck.” She could hear him start it up and the screech of his tires when he pulled out of wherever he was.
“Okay, but don’t kill yourself on the way over. They say the first baby takes a while.” She breathed deeply and groaned. “So take your time. I just need you. I don’t want to be alone.”
“Where’s my mother?”
“I sent her home. Where are you?”
“Grrr!” His horn honked. “Stuck in traffic, but hold on—babe, I’m going to need both hands right now. I’ll be home soon, I promise. Just keep calm.”
“Ah, don’t make me laugh.” Her giggle turned into a moan. “I am calm, but follow your own advice. I love you.”
“Yeah, me too.” Click!
***
Contractions were now three minutes apart, the pressure was insane, her back was killing her, and the stomach pains felt like the ones you got when you had to shit really badly only times a hundred. It took Zander ten minutes from the time he hung up to get home. The hospital drive was a short one, and now they were in triage with Holly hooked up to a monitor.
“Hmm, everything is looking good. Dad needs to go and register Mom for admittance, and then I’ll get the doc on call to check you once we move you to a birthing room.” The RN ripped off a sheet of paper from the monitor and pointed Zander in the direction of hospital registration.
Hospital rooms usually had an ominous feel to them, but the new room was pretty nice and quite spacious all around. The bed was bigger, there was a comfortable-looking rocking chair and another that reclined into a bed for the father to sit in if it took a while. Instead of the sterile white, the walls were more of a cream color, the furniture a light pink, and the whole room had a warmth to it. Or maybe it just seemed that way because she was in a place that produced life. This was the spot where they’d finally get to meet their little guy. Lord knew she couldn’t wait to get it over with.
The doctor walked in.
“Hi, Miss Hewitt, my name is Dr. Jonas, and I’ll be on call this evening to assist you.” He pulled on some gloves. “First we’re going to see how far long you are, and then we can discuss options. Would you like an epidural?”
“Yes, please.” She grimaced the moment his fingers entered her, but the procedure only lasted a minute.
“Okay, I’ll give the anesthesiologist a page before it’s too late. You’re about five centimeters right now, completely thinned out, and your water is slowly leaking. I’d like to rupture it completely to move the process along. Do I have your permission to do so?”
Whatever. She nodded. “It won’t hurt him, will it?”
“No, not at all, your child will be perfectly safe. I can do this with my eyes closed,” he joked, but he was the only one laughing.
“What did I miss?” Zander rushed to her side and kissed her forehead just at the moment everything gushed out.
“Nothing much,” she said. “We’re moving the process along to get things going faster. I can’t wait to meet him.” She tensed to get through another contraction “I’m so tired.”
“I’m all done for now. I’ll get the call in to the anesthesiologist and get you comfortable as soon as we possibly can.” The doctor waived on his way out.
The drugs were sent from heaven. They worked immediately, and maybe a little too well, because she felt paralyzed from the waist down. She could barely move her legs. They felt so heavy, and when she was next checked by the doctor again shortly after, it was showtime; ten centimeters and ready to push.
“Come on, babe. You’re doing great. One more good push and his head will be out.”
Holly squeezed Zander’s hand and screeched, “Gah!” while she pushed as hard as she could. “Just get it out of me now!”
She was able to take two more breaths in before another contraction started and it was back to work.
“That’s it, Hol. He’s got hair, and it’s dark. Would you look at that?” Zander chuckled and she glared at him. Her head felt as though it was about to explode from the force of pushing, trying to get that baby out. Her coochie was exposed, and it felt like her insides were being ripped apart. Yeah, like she really wanted to look right now—not.
And then it finally happened after another hard push, the most precious sound in the entire world: her son’s first cry.
“You did it!” Zander lifted the hand he was holding and kissed the palm. “It’s a boy, and he’s beautiful, babe. Absolutely fucking perfect,” he added with pride.
As if on cue, the nurse placed him on her chest, and he settled with sucking his tiny fist. “Oh my God!” she wept, looking into the blotchy, red little face. “Hi, sweetheart, it’s so nice to finally meet you, yes it is, my precious little man.” As if he recognized the sound of her voice, the baby blinked up and opened his eyes for her, which made her heart leap and tears flow stronger. “He’s unbelievable.”
“So what are we going to name him?” Zander rubbed his fingers across his little arm, and the baby twitched. “Looks like he’s ticklish like Mom.”
“That’s okay isn’t it, little one?” She kissed her infant’s head and looked into the brown eyes of the man she loved. “Do you want an Alexander the second?”
“No.” He shook his head and smiled. “I’m not into that. I was kind of leaning toward Ashton. Do you like it?”
“I love it. Hi, Ashton Alexander Harrison, I’m your mommy and that guy over there is your dad.” She looked up to see if he was in agreement with the middle name. “Okay?”
“God, I love you so much.” He nodded and leaned down to kiss them both. When he pulled back, there were tears in his own eyes and he quickly looked away to wipe them.
Chapter Twenty
Winter of 2004
They were stuck in the smallest room ever awaiting word from the doctor. It must have been only a little bigger than the average size of an elevator. Minutes felt like hours, and hours felt like days. They were surrounded by sterile white walls and the matching stench and provided with the cheapest metal chairs available to sit on. Holly was ready to bite her nails off. She couldn’t imagine the type of anxiety Zander and his family were facing at the moment.
Skye was sick. More correctly, she had coronary artery disease and was currently in surgery for a quadruple bypass—major, serious shit. Here they sat while she was in an operating room somewhere getting veins cut out to repair the blocked arteries, and ribs broken to access the heart and repair it and get the blood flowing properly again. It was scary as fuck, and they weren’t even the ones going through the procedure.
“God, I hate this. How long did they say it would take before we got word?” Sebastien fidgeted in his chair, looking the worst out of the bunch of them. “I can’t stand the waiting.” He had a phobia of hospitals, and it showed.
Their father, Richard, leaned back and rubbed his hands over his face in exhaustion. “It should be soon, I hope. They said it’d take a few hours,
and we’ve been here for what, about three?” His shoulders deflated and he sighed loudly.
“How are you doing?” Holly whispered and squeezed Zander’s hand. It was probably the stupidest question she could’ve asked, but it was all she could think of at the moment. He’d been really quiet the whole time, lost in thought, and it was driving her crazy.
“I’ll be a hell of a lot better once they come in here and say it all went okay.” He squeezed her hand. “When do we have to pick up Ashton again?”
“He’s at preschool until about three, and then he’s at daycare until five thirty if we need more time.” The look of worry and defeat on his face broke her heart, and she prayed Skye would come out of this well. His mother was a strong, proud, stubborn woman, so Holly had to think positively. Tired of sitting, she stood and felt the need to be doing something, anything, to feel useful here. “I think I need some air. Can I get anyone coffee, tea, water, maybe some lunch?
“I’ll go with you,” Jess offered, and Sebastien stood with her before Jasper spoke up.
“I think we could all use a breather, and I could use some food.” After they checked in at the nurses’ station to make sure the surgery was still in progress, the nurses assured them it’d be okay to take a half hour and get something in their systems to fuel them. It’d been a long morning, and the change of scenery was refreshing.
“Thank you,” Zander whispered and put his arm around Holly’s shoulders while they walked. “I’m worried about the old man. He’s scared shitless.”
“Aren’t we all?” She’d gotten off to a rough start with Skye, but they’d become closer after Ashton was born. As his only grandmother left alive, she wanted to make sure Holly’s son was a part of his me-mere and pappy’s lives frequently. It didn’t hurt that she’d also become somewhat of a mother-like figure to Holly.
“Point taken.”
Broken Survivor Page 25