Only Ever Yours

by Louise O'Neill

  She turns away, and even in a classroom full of people I am alone again.

  “And he told me a secret.”

  “What secret?” she says, her head snapping back to me.

  “I can’t really say,” I reply, starting to feel sick.

  “I won’t tell anyone.” She leans forward, smiling at me as if I’m special.

  “I can’t tell you, megan.”

  “Fine.”

  “I would if I could.”

  “Sure,” she replies, and silence falls between us again. I glance around, catching everyone staring at me. They react and look away, but I know they are still watching out of the corner of their eyes. If I don’t make this right, I’m finished.

  “Well, he did tell me one thing,” I say, pushing away the waves of nausea, “but you have to promise not to tell anyone.”

  She smiles slowly, inching her ear closer to my mouth. “I promise.”

  “Have you heard of female aberrants?”

  “What?” she says loudly, and I shush her.

  “That gene doesn’t exist in women,” she says.

  “It doesn’t exist anymore. Darwin told me they identified the gene and destroyed it. Two eves fell in love before and tried to run away.”

  “They fell in love? Before marriage?”

  “Yes.”

  “With each other? Two girls?”

  “Yes.”

  “That is just …” Her voice trails off in disbelief. She smoothes the full skirt of her dress down over her knees, a thoughtful expression dawning on her face.

  “That’s what Darwin told me. But you can’t tell anyone. He made me promise not to repeat it.”

  “Sure.” She’s nonchalant. “But why did he tell you if it’s such a big secret?”

  “He trusts me,” I say, the words making me feel worse.

  “Oh, he trusts you, does he? Maybe he’s in love with you too.” She wraps her hands around her back and makes smacking noises as if she’s kissing someone.

  “What are you? Twelve?”

  “You’re in loooooove.” megan’s voice is rising, other eves turning to look at her, the word love like a klaxon horn sounding. If one of the chastities hears her, I can’t even imagine how much trouble I’ll be in.

  “I told you, I’m not in love with Darwin,” I say, my jaw clenching. “I’m just, I’m just …” She guffaws at my stuttering and the laughter spreads, everyone making loud kissing noises at me.

  “I’m not in love with him. If I was in love with him, would I have told you what he said about, you know, what I just told you? I’m just …” The laughter levels are getting louder and louder. I can taste fear, cold and metallic on my tongue. “… using him!” I finish, trying to shut her up before a chastity hears us and my chances of becoming a Judge’s companion are destroyed.

  “I’m just using him because his father is a Judge.” I scream it over the din of voices, and just as I say it the room falls quiet, my voice blasting into the silence. I turn, expecting a chastity. But it’s not a chastity. It’s much worse than that.

  It’s Darwin, his face stricken. I half rise in my seat, my mouth open to deny it, to apologize, to say anything to make it better, but all I can do is watch helplessly as chastity-magdalena orders us to take our seats and ushers in the other Inheritants.

  “Class dismissed,” chastity-magdalena finally says, giving a VoiceCommand to the computer to shut down whatever digi-vid we were supposed to be watching. I couldn’t concentrate. I spent the last hour staring at the back of Darwin’s head, trying to telepathically explain what happened.

  “You coming?” Sigmund slaps Darwin on the back.

  “In a minute,” Darwin says, approaching chastity-magdalena’s desk and handing her a small package.

  “From cecily?”

  He nods, and she breaks into a huge smile before addressing us again.

  “Okay, girls, you may leave now. chastity-anne is waiting in the Organized Recreation room.” She turns to Darwin. “They always need a little more OR after your visits.”

  I walk out, megan’s arm entwined in mine. I’ve been welcomed back into the fold. This is what I wanted.

  “Wait.” I stop in the middle of the corridor, the others moving around us. “I forgot my …” I can’t think of anything—“lipstick?”

  “So? You have millions of tubes.”

  “I’m going to run back and get it.” I break away from her and she seamlessly links arms with cara, never without an attendant for long. I walk toward the classroom in such a hurry that I collide into someone, my shoulder banging painfully off theirs.

  “Sorry, isabel. I didn’t see you.”

  “That’s …” She trails off in a slow drawl, like a wind-up doll running out of juice. She walks away, taking small steps as if she’s afraid to make any noise.

  “Darwin!” I cry out as he emerges from the classroom. He tenses, folding his arms across his body. This is not good.

  “How are you? What were you giving chastity-magdalena?”

  He doesn’t reply.

  “Darwin, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to say that about you. It was an accident.”

  “How was it an accident?” he says. “Did you trip and the words fell out of your mouth?”

  “Oh, just forget it. You don’t have a clue what it’s like here. megan was being so mean to me.”

  “What?” He holds his hands to his mouth in mock horror. “Was she endangering your life? Threatening to bore you to death with chitter-chatter about makeup or whatever else you girls talk about?”

  “That’s not all I talk about!” I reply, stung at this accusation. “I thought you knew me better than that.”

  “So did I,” he says sadly, all fight leaving his body. He leans back against the door to the classroom.

  There’s a horrible finality about this that makes me want to cover my ears like a child and yell, “I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” to block out what’s coming next.

  “I said I was sorry, Darwin. What else can I say? I’m sorry.”

  Sorry, sorry, sorry. It’s an overused word in the School. We say it all the time, even when we don’t mean it. Especially when we don’t mean it.

  “It’s so hard here. I’m just trying to survive.” Self-pity creeps into my voice. Even though the freida he thinks I am isn’t self-pitying.

  “Looks like my dad was right about gold-digging eves.”

  “Will you stop obsessing about your dad? You’re not a fucking baby.” The words are boiling uncontrollably out of me. He takes a step back, startled by the shattering of my mask, the putrid pus that is oozing out through the cracks.

  “You don’t know anything about my dad.”

  “I’m sorry. I don’t know what I’m saying,” I insist, trying to grab his hand.

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “It does matter.”

  “It’s my own fault,” he says, forcing my hands off him. “It’s always my fault.”

  “I didn’t mean what I said about using you. I swear,” I say as he walks away. “I just said it because …” My throat is closing in, suffocating the words.

  “Why then?” He looks over his shoulder at me. “Why did you say it?”

  “I just said it to make megan be my friend again,” I choke out pathetically. Even though the freida he thinks I am is not pathetic.

  “What?” He looks at me like I’m insane. “You used me, embarrassed me in front of all my friends, because you wanted megan to be your friend?”

  “But it’s not true. I’m not using you.”

  “Why not?” he says, and his voice is cut through with sadness. “Why should you be any different from everyone else?”

  “I am different. You have to believe me,” I say, any shred of dignity gone. Even though the freida he thinks I am is dignified.

  “Can you honestly look at me and tell me that my father being a Judge had nothing to do with it?” he asks me quietly. “Can you say you’ve never thought about it?”

/>   I hesitate for just a moment too long, and something hardens in his expression. And then he’s gone.

  I bury my face in my hands, feeling the pressure building behind my eyes.

  “freida?” chastity-magdalena looks at me uneasily as the door to the classroom swings open. “Are you all right?”

  “I’m fine.”

  “Your face is red.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry,” I reply, grabbing a little mirror out of my bag and quickly reapplying concealer and lip balm until I look perfect again. “All better. I’m sorry, chastity-magdalena, but I have to run. I’m late for Organized Recreation.”

  “Where have you been?” chastity-anne says disapprovingly when I enter the classroom. She follows me into the elevator and escorts me into the OR Space, where the others are already writhing in their glass coffins. She closes the door behind me, but I don’t need any encouragement this time. I throw the meds down my throat, seeking obliteration.

  “All eves must manage their behavior and conduct themselves in a manner that is ladylike at all times. Emotional behavior can be off-putting to men and must be controlled.”4

  4. Audio Guide to the Rules for Proper female Behavior, the Original Father

  Chapter 25

  I wake long before the morning lamps are turned on again, my body eating through the SleepSound. The dorm is heaving. The sighing of the heat releasing from the vents, the steady rise and fall of eves breathing in time with the Messages.

  You have far to go in your quest to become flawless. You have far to go until you are perfect.

  There’s a gnawing feeling at the pit of my stomach, like talons scraping across a blackboard.

  megan ignoring me.

  Me, breaking my promise.

  Darwin overhearing me.

  Darwin walking away from me. He didn’t look back.

  I should have said his dad’s job had nothing to do with how I felt about him. But how could he have thought that it wouldn’t mean anything to me?

  The way he looked at me as I begged for forgiveness.

  I scan the room for something to distract me, instinctively reaching under my pillow for my ePad and logging onto MyFace. I listen to one status update, then another, and another, praying to the Father that I’m still dreaming. My feed is clogged up with more activity than I’ve heard in years. And they are all talking about the same thing.

  Female aberrants.

  “Was it you?”

  “Good morning to you too, miss cheerful,” megan answers pointedly. She finishes massaging anti-bacterial gel onto her hands and tucks the little bottle back in her bag. She checks her reflection in the wall behind her, as if to see if she’s thin enough to merit eating breakfast.

  “What do you think of this outfit?” She gestures at her sleeveless collared minidress, tiny pearl buttons puncturing the raspberry silk.

  “Was it you, megan?” I ask again. I place my hands on the table, leaning in toward her until our faces are mere inches apart.

  “Are you going to kiss her or something? Aberrants!” a childish voice yells and a group of 12th years screams with laughter. How do the younger girls know about female aberrants? They’re not friends with any of us on MyFace. I sit heavily on the empty seat opposite megan, my head spinning.

  “I told you it was a secret.”

  The twins, cara, gisele and daria are ignoring us, taking fotograms of their food and arguing about which filter makes the scrambled tofu look the least gray.

  “Told me what was a secret?”

  “What I told you yesterday. About what Darwin said. About female aberrants,” I say, doubt starting to creep in. It must have been her. Who else could it have been?

  “Oh that.” megan tosses her hair back. “Sorry.”

  We are always sorry.

  “Anyway …” she takes a small bite of her scrambled tofu, checking the mirror again once she’s swallowed—“I only told jessie. She said she wouldn’t tell anyone.”

  “And I just told liz, obviously,” jessie chimes in. “But I made her promise she wouldn’t tell anyone else.”

  “Well, I didn’t tell anyone,” liz says in a huff. “Pretty much.”

  “How come you’re not eating?” cara asks as I bury my head in my hands. She leans across me to take a fotogram of the berry-granola oatcakes that were today’s healthy/tasty option. “They look delicious,” she says enviously, poking at the pasty lump on her own plate.

  “I’m not hungry.”

  The sight of food is revolting. My insides feel watery, my stomach churning as if it can’t decide whether to flush its contents out through my mouth or my bowels.

  “Sweetie, don’t be mad at me,” megan says, patting my hand with hers, her manicured nails immaculate. “You’re my best friend.”

  My fone vibrates in my satchel and I lean down to grab it, sticking an earbud in to listen to the message.

  “I think you and isabel are female aberrants,” a low, insistent voice says. “I heard at nighttime you used to sneak into each other’s cubicles. I’m going to tell on you.”

  I check the screen, my hands shaking so badly I almost drop the eFone, but there is a blank face where the caller’s foto should be. Anonymous.

  “What’s up?” daria asks.

  “Nothing.”

  She throws her shoulders back, her cropped tee rising up to expose an inch of toned skin above her high-waisted flared jeans. “I think it’s disgusting. What if there are female aberrants in our year? What if one of them tries to seduce me?”

  “Why do you assume that they would be attracted to you in the first place?” I ask.

  “Interesting.” daria tilts her head. “That sounded like something a female aberrant would say.”

  “Maybe that’s why you and Darwin only talk,” jessie says, her eyes widening.

  “Someone said that they saw you coming out of christy’s room at night,” liz gasps. “Is that why you and isabel fell out?”

  “I am not an aberrant,” I say, but they ignore me. I can see the idea taking root so I rush to protect myself. “But maybe agyness is?”

  “She does have short hair. Like a man,” jessie whispers, as they scan the Nutrition Center looking for her.

  gisele shudders. “I thought I saw her looking at me in the showers.” The twins turn to each other in delighted horror and I know I should take it back, but I don’t.

  An alarm shrieks and some of the younger girls cover their ears and cry out in fright. chastity-ruth has climbed up on her chair, her pale face blossoming from the black robes like a gothic rose. The other chastities form a battalion line in front of her, heads bowed.

  “Stop that,” chastity-ruth barks at the more sensitive 4th years, rolling her eyes as one girl wails. chastity-mary goes to comfort her, falling back when chastity-ruth snaps her fingers at her. “Crying is unacceptable.”

  “Yes, chastity-ruth. Sorry, chastity-ruth,” they reply, and fall silent. They’re learning quickly.

  “It has come to our attention that there are some rather unpleasant rumors circulating the School. Do any of you know anything about this?” megan’s feet kick against mine, her face remaining perfectly serene. “No one?” chastity-ruth continues. “Perhaps the words ‘female aberrant’ will jog your memory.”

  I gasp as I hear her say these words, and cara nearly falls off her seat. I go to steady her but she jerks away. Our eyes meet and I see it, just for a second, before she smoothes it away. Doubt. She thinks I’m one of them.

  “None of us had even heard of such a thing.” chastity-ruth is admitting to ignorance for the first time that I’m aware of. “I had to approach the Father to discuss it with him. After a long, in-depth conversation,” she says, glowing at the memory, “he has reassured me that this is a grave misunderstanding. There may have been rare incidents of it in the past, but they isolated the errant gene in women and destroyed it so the human race could continue unharmed.”

  There’s always something that they can do to change yo
u, to make you better. There is always room for Improvement.

  “And if I hear any more talk about this nonsense there will be serious repercussions.” Her face goes tight with anger. “The Ceremony is only weeks away, girls. The Father was most displeased.”

  I purse my lips tightly, trying to hold on to my fear before it splatters all over the table.

  “But He is merciful,” chastity-ruth continues, bowing her head. “And we must be grateful.” With that she sweeps out of the dining room, leaving the remaining chastities to round up their respective classes, chastity-mary laughing at a tiny 4th year who is hopping madly from one leg to the other, squeaking that she needs to “pee-pee.”

  “Come on, 16th years,” chastity-bernadette says gloomily. “Let’s get to class.”

  “That was crazy,” cara says as we follow the chastity, looping her arm through mine. Obviously any worries that I might sneak into her room at nighttime and molest her have vanished.

  A sudden thought stops me in my tracks. If the chastities know and the Father knows, Darwin must know. What is he going to think of me now that the secret he entrusted to me has become common knowledge? He might never forgive me. Not only will he think I’m using him, but that I’m totally untrustworthy as well. And I have no way of contacting him, our MyFace and VideoChat access is strictly restricted to within the School. All I can do is wait for his return.

  I reach for my locket, for my comfort.

  Ten days until the Ceremony

  I open my eyes and I am confronted by my reflection in the ceiling mirror. My thighs are too big, my hair is too messy, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself.

  There are only ten days left until the rest of my life begins.

  They have told us that in order to succeed we need to be good girls, we need to follow the rules, we need to look pretty and speak nicely and be pleasant. I’ve tried. I’ve waxed every last hair on my body. I have taken my pills. I have gone to bed hungry every night since I was four years old. I’ve done everything they have told me to do and here I am, ten days left, and I don’t know if it’s enough. I have no idea if Darwin will forgive me or if he will choose me. He has to choose me.

  The strain has become unbearable. I nibble on the edges of a SleepSound tablet every so often to smooth away the paralyzing fear. I don’t have enough time to fix it. The sand in the hourglass has almost completely run out.