‘You’ve made it so clean, I don’t dare go inside,’ I said. ‘Why don’t you carry me on your back?’
Tofu Queen was about to charge inside the apartment but I hauled her back sternly.
‘Take off your shoes,’ I said.
She looked at me, confused.
I thought, Zhao Yue has cleaned this apartment inch by inch. What right do you have to get it dirty?
She clung to me while taking off her shoes. Her hands were oily and her body smelt of vegetable soup. Suddenly I felt a rush of disgust. When we got to the bedroom, she embraced me and wanted to kiss but I pushed her away impatiently.
‘You take a shower first,’ I said.
I’d always considered Tofu Queen to be dirty. There was often dirt in the cracks of her nails. Xiao loved her and bought her designer clothes — even her underwear was Calvin Klein. However, they were usually smeared with chopped scallions or smashed garlic. Once I discovered she didn’t even wash her hands after going to the toilet. I forced her to go back and wash them. She was slightly ashamed of her low habits, and each time after that whenever we met up she’d say straightaway, I’ve just had a shower.
This time she took offense though. ‘What do you mean? If you look down on me, just say so directly.’
I knew I was in the wrong. Forcing a smile, I said, ‘I didn’t mean that. You know my wife is sick, and so I’m a bit upset.’
She said ironically, ‘I didn’t realise you were a good man who cared about his wife.’
With a little wiggle of her butt, she went into the bathroom.
I stuck on a rock album, lit a cigarette and paced the room. All jittery, swinging my arms, I knocked down a picture frame on the desk, and when I squatted on my heels to pick it up and set it straight, I saw Zhao Yue dressed in her white wedding dress, smiling. At the back of the picture was a line of colourfully drawn rabbits. Zhao Yue’s zodiac sign was the rabbit, and she believed these rabbits would bring her safety and happiness.
Tofu Queen emerged from the shower naked. Glancing around the room she said, ‘Your place isn’t large but it’s quite clean. You must have a good wife.’
Her words pained me.
She kissed me, saying, ‘I haven’t seen you for a month and I really missed you.’
She had perfect skin, soft and smooth, just like the best tofu pudding at her restaurant. My fires were stoked again. Fatty Dong divided women into two categories: for use and for appreciation. Every time we teased him about his wife’s appearance, he insisted that she was for use. ‘What do you know about it?’ he’d say.
I always thought he was bragging. His wife was as flat as a bench, nothing in the front or back, and so she couldn’t have been very satisfying. Women like Tofu Queen, however, were definitely designed for use. She moaned as soon as I touched her.
The telephone in the living room began ringing. I wondered who was being so inconsiderate. It made enough noise to drive anyone crazy. At first I said, ‘Fuck,’ and ignored it, but it continued, as if someone was deliberately trying to annoy me. Finally I couldn’t bear it any more. I grabbed the phone and demanded fiercely, ‘Who is it?’ Silence. I was about to put down the phone in a fury when I heard Zhao Yue say weakly, ‘Open the door. I don’t have my key.’
One Chinese New Year, I went to the north-east with Zhao Yue and met my parents-in-law. Zhao Yue was constantly in a bad mood during that trip. I called her Sister Dai Yu after the doomed heroine in Dream of the Red Chamber. The second day of Chinese New Year, after dinner at her father’s place, it started snowing heavily. Despite my advice, Zhao Yue insisted on walking home. When we reached an empty alley, she stopped and said, ‘I feel very sad now. Hold me!’
I held her and whispered, ‘Don’t be so sad. They may not love you, but you still have me.’
Zhao Yue trembled, put her arms around my neck and started crying. I looked up and saw that the sky was full of flying flecks of snow, just like lonely moths with nowhere to go; they landed on our shoulders in tiny flakes.
That night I felt quite moved thinking about the hardships Zhao Yue had suffered while growing up. When her parents were going through their divorce she would lock herself in her room and cry herself to sleep. Like a little adult, she did housework. It must have been very painful. Zhao Yue often asked me the ‘forever question’ and I usually gave some perfunctory answer. That time, however, I said with great sincerity: ‘I will be sweet to you forever. Stop crying Sister Dai Yu.’
‘Hurry up, get dressed!’ I said. ‘My wife is back.’
No words could begin to describe my panic. I tore through the living room, then staggered into the bedroom. Even my voice sounded different.
Tofu Queen leapt like an uncoiled spring and started grabbing her clothes, which were scattered everywhere. As for me, I was nearly blacking out. I was truly finished this time. After she got dressed, she helped fasten my buttons then asked if there was somewhere she could hide.
I snapped nastily, ‘There’s nowhere to hide.’
Zhao Yue was here. How could we hope to hide from her?
Zhao Yue’s face was pale. She stared at me and slumped against the wall. When I reached out to her, she angrily pushed me away, then, gasping for breath, went into the living room. Tofu Queen was there, standing by the window with a red face. My heart beat crazily and my face and body were sweating.
Zhao Yue stood there for a while then said to the restaurant-owner’s wife, ‘Get out.’
Her voice was hoarse and cold with a murderous tone.
Tofu Queen left without a word, and closed the door without making a sound. I heard her let out a long sigh outside. Zhao Yue stared at me fiercely, her lips quivering with anger. Realising there was nothing more to fear now things had reached this stage, I met her gaze. Her eyes gradually filled with tears and her mouth stopped trembling. She broke into terrible sobs.
‘You couldn’t even resist such a disgusting woman!’ she cried.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
It was 15 June, exactly three days before our third wedding anniversary. At breakfast, Zhao Yue said, Perhaps we should wait three more days?’ Her head dropped and she began to sniff.
After breakfast, I found her combing her hair before a mirror. Standing behind her, I forced a smile.
You’re still beautiful,’ I said. ‘You don’t have to worry about not getting remarried.’
Before I’d finished speaking, her hands trembled and the comb dropped to the floor.
In recent years, Zhao Yue had put on weight and staring at her body, no longer really slim, I felt a fresh stab of pain in my heart at the thought of her words that day.
‘I gave you my best years.’
My tears fell on the tie she’d just recently bought for me.
In the last week, we’d done enough talking for a lifetime. Zhao Yue had asked if I still remembered our first date.
‘Of course I do. You were in a purple dress, with a copy of Marxist Philosophy in your hands.’
She asked if I remembered how I’d spied on her in the showers.
‘Yes. I was standing on a stool and you splashed water on me.’
She kept asking me, asking whether I remembered and I cried and kept saying: ‘Stop asking. Of course I still remember. Those memories are memories of our love.’
Throwing herself into my arms, she cried her heart out. ‘Then why did you leave me in the hospital and have sex with another woman?’
She was the one to ask for a divorce, and at first I couldn’t think of anything to say. After a while though I pleaded pathetically: ‘I messed up. Can’t you give me one more chance?’
She cried and touched my face. ‘I have no idea what it will be like when I leave you, but I’ll never be able to forget what happened that day. How can I forgive you?’
Her hands felt hot and looking at her dishevelled hair and pale face, I hated myself. I slapped myself hard on the cheek.
Zhao Yue grasped my hands. ‘Don’t do that, Chen Zhong. Don’t! I fee
l sad too.’
We talked calmly about dividing our property. I wanted her to have the apartment and she said that I should take it. I said I could move back in with my parents but that she would have nowhere to go. She said, OK, she could give me some money.
I demanded tearfully, ‘Zhao Yue, do you really think I want your money? I mean, what money do you have?’
We held each other. ‘Let’s stay as we are, OK?’ I said.
She shook her head. ‘If the day ever comes when I can forget about what happened, I’ll come back. But now, no matter what you say, I’m determined to divorce. You’ve hurt me too much.’
We still shared a bed during this time, but she froze at my touch. When I kissed her she covered her mouth with her hand. She struggled desperately when I tried to take off her pants and once, after I’d failed to remove them, I got furious.
‘Why are you pretending?’ I said. ‘I’ve touched every part of your body numerous times. Why won’t you — ?’
She interrupted me. ‘If someone shat in your bowl, would you still eat from it?’
‘No matter whether a turd or tasty food, you’re my wife,’ I said. ‘This is your duty until we get divorced.’
She stripped off completely, then lay down on the bed again with her legs and arms spread wide.
‘Come and enjoy yourself like you did with that fat woman,’ she said.
I collapsed beside her, deflated and ashamed.
Our very first love-making was at a cheap hotel outside our campus gates. Up until then we’d kissed and touched each other, but Zhao Yue always refused to go all the way. We had a big fight about it.
‘You did that with him, why not with me?’ I said.
Zhao Yue flamed: ‘Chen Zhong, you’ve broken your promise. You said you wouldn’t mention it! What am I to you? A girlfriend or a bitch?’
We parted unhappily without having dinner. She wouldn’t see me afterwards, although I called her name from below her dormitory window for ages, driving the old janitor crazy. But the quarrel did seem to have some effect because three days later she agreed to go to the hotel with me.
Before she undressed she asked seriously, ‘Do you mind that I’m not a virgin?’
I was unbuttoning her clothes in a hurry. ‘Not at all,’ I said.
She smacked my paws and said, ‘Stand back and listen! I’m not an easy lay. I’m giving this to you today because I hope you might marry me in the future. Can you do that?’
I was in the violent throes of sexual desire: hormones were raging through my body. I said without a moment’s thought, ‘Yes, I can, I can.’
Zhao Yue took off her knickers. Later she told me that she’d been struggling to control herself as well.
My past came flooding back: I was like a wastrel from a rich family who’d squandered his life until finally he discovered he was penniless.
The clerk at the government office was a kindly middle-aged woman.
‘You two look like a perfect match!’ she said. ‘It’s such a pity!’
Zhao Yue blinked furiously, her chest heaving.
We’d come prepared with all the materials for our divorce. One at a time I handed over our residence permits, ID cards, marriage certificate and pictures. All the time, my heart felt numb with sadness.
I said to Zhao Yue, ‘From today, you’re not the head of a household any more.’
She pinched my shoulder hard.
Seeing this, the clerk started saying, ‘No, no, no, I can’t handle this case. It’s against nature.’
I sighed. ‘It’s no use. We’ve made up our minds.’
She glared at me fiercely. ‘You men don’t have any conscience.’
Then she asked Zhao Yue, ‘What do you think?’
Zhao Yue, still sobbing, said, ‘It’s me who wants to get divorced, it has nothing to do with him. Please, just do it.’
This made the clerk tearful too.
After signing the divorce agreement, I gave Zhao Yue the pen.
‘It’s much like “Zhao’s Family Rules”,’ I said.
She trembled and couldn’t write a word. She had to lean on the desk. The clerk sensed a final opportunity.
‘I’m asking you for the last time. Are you sure?’
Zhao Yue’s eyes were red. I said hoarsely, ‘You won’t have any regrets?’
‘This is your first marriage,’ the clerk said. ‘Think about it!’
Zhao Yue punched my chest — apparently she didn’t care about people watching us.
I said tenderly, ‘Let’s not divorce, OK? Let’s just go home.’
She shook her head silently, then she wiped away her tears and told the clerk, ‘We’re determined. Do it now.’
At that moment, I squatted on the ground, unable to watch.
It was a bright sunny Chengdu day. As Zhao Yue and I left the government office there were lively crowds on the streets. We walked with them, keeping close to each other, sighing regularly. As we passed the gate of Renmin Park, I saw a fat guy fall over, which made me laugh. My spirits suddenly lifted and I asked Zhao Yue if she felt hungry. She followed me into a KFC.
‘Are all men unable to help themselves when they see a beautiful woman?’ she asked, sucking her straw.
‘Yes, mostly. Your entrepreneur lover is just the same.’
Thinking of her lover I felt frustrated and said, ‘Since we’re divorced now, can’t you tell me about that phone call?’
She looked awkward. ‘It’s not all what you thought. There was nothing between us.’
‘Will you marry him?’
‘What are you talking about?’ she said. ‘We’re just good friends.’
I cheered up. ‘Hmm … if you look for a boyfriend again, will you consider me first?’ I asked.
She looked down silently and tears fell drop by drop onto her plate. After a long while she said, ‘Why are you being nice to me now it’s too late?’
I’d already moved most of my personal miscellanea out, apart from a few last books and DVDs. Zhao Yue silently packed these items for me, putting them into a big bag. I picked it up and started to walk out. But then she called my name and I turned around. She ran her hand through my hair, saying tenderly, ‘Take good care of yourself.’
I took her firmly in my arms.
When my mother found out what had happened, she lost the heart to cook for several days. She spent the whole time sighing, which depressed me no end, and so I locked myself in my room and listened to music and read. Whenever I thought about Zhao Yue, I had this stabbing pain. Downstairs, the old folks were competing to see who could go the longest without speaking. Recently I’d noticed that my father was going really grey. I guessed that I wasn’t a good son at all; although I was almost thirty years old, I still made them worry about me.
After dinner, Zhao Yue called and asked if I was OK.
I said yes, then asked, ‘Can I sleep at home tonight?’
Her firm no provoked an ironic smile. Once she used to beg me to come home. After that I felt even worse.
The old man knocked on the door and walked in with a big forced smile on his face. ‘Baby Rabbit, wanna play Go?’ he said.
My father was still an utterly appalling player. After only a few rounds I’d wiped out most of his pieces. This time he accepted defeat. He wanted to comfort me but didn’t know how. While we sat in awkward silence, Bighead Wang called.
‘I knew she was no good but I never thought she’d really divorce you,’ he said.‘
Anger surged in me. ‘Shut your stinking mouth. It has nothing to do with her.’
He laughed. ‘I know you’re feeling down. We’re on the second floor at Zero Point! Come over. Drink is the best cure for the blues.’
‘Is Li Liang there?’ I said.
‘Yes. He suggested I call you.’
CHAPTER TWENTY
My mother had found out about this dating agency that would introduce me to potential girlfriends. Initially I said I’d have nothing to do with it.
‘What year is this? Can’t I find one for myself?’
My mother harumphed. ‘The kind of person you choose cheats you out of your property and plays with your feelings.’
Recently she’d developed a grudge against Zhao Yue: the week before she’d gone with my sister to visit her, hoping to bring about a reconciliation. What she hadn’t expected was to find Zhao Yue having an apparently intimate dinner with a man. My sister said that my mother let fly a few sarcastic words.
She was still cursing when she got home, saying that Zhao Yue had a bad heart. ‘So many years together as man and wife and she can cast you off as easily as that.’
After that she unscientifically predicted that Zhao Yue’s future children would be born deformed.
When I heard about that, it ruined my day. I called Zhao Yue that evening, making an effort to sound casual, then asked her whether she had a boyfriend. Zhao Yue said she was conducting interviews and this time she’d be sure to look for someone with moral qualities. I criticised her for disloyalty.
‘Didn’t you say you would consider me first?’
She sighed. ‘You’re very naive. Do you really think we have any chance of getting back together?’
After that I lay on the sofa and didn’t speak for a long time.
My mother kept on at me to divide my property from Zhao Yue’s. She helped me do the maths. Deposit on the house: 120,000, of which I’d put up 30,000, and the old man had put up 20,000. Furniture: 30,000, all bought by me. Household appliances: 20,000, of which my sister had paid half. The grand total came to more than 70,000, and that wasn’t including my monthly mortgage payments.
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