—EDDIE CANTOR
Mae West
When it comes to men, she never turns down anything except the bedcovers.
She’s the kind of woman who climbed the ladder of success—wrong by wrong.
He’s the kind of man who picks his friends—to pieces.
She’s the finest woman that ever walked the streets.
His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
I treasure every moment I don’t see her.
—OSCAR LEVANT ON PHYLLIS DILLER
She has breasts of granite and a mind like a Gruyere cheese.
—BILLY WILDER ABOUT MAR ILYN MONROE
She was a master at making nothing happen very slowly.
—CLIFTON FADIMAN
You look into his eyes, and you get the feeling someone else is driving.
—DAVID LETTERMAN
If you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us.
—KURT VONNEGUT
The best part of you ran down your mother’s leg.
—JACKIE GLEASON
Lucille: “Oh, please. I’ve been drinking since
before you were born. So if alcohol’s the reason
I’m here, I got news for you, Bub. It’s the only
reason you’re here, too.” Michael: “Hey, look at
that. You’re mean sober, too.”
—ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT
Snarkin’ the News
A group of doctors are asking the hot dog industry to change the shape of the fast food to help prevent choking accidents. Another possible solution was to make them all twelve inches or longer. Jenna Jameson could not be located to comment.
“It’s a docusoap, not a reality show.” So says socialite Julie Kirby of the TV show High Society, claiming the producers edited it “to make me look like a stupid bitch.” They also edited it to make it look like she can chew gum, walk, and scream at people simultaneously.
Jessica Simpson almost cried recently on Oprah, recalling the story of meeting a model in France who had withered down to sixty-two pounds. She said “it made me very emotional.” Asked how she stays in shape, she replied that she is currently on the French Model Diet.
There has been protest over a forthcoming John F. Kennedy miniseries from a creator of 24. Protesters claim it’s a right-wing character assassination and completely manufactured. This is based on an early screening of the film where JFK is shown having a three-way with Lady Gaga and Beyoncé.
It’s been reported Charlie Sheen has left his hit TV show ... to do what? Shakespeare in the Park? Two and a Half Gentlemen of Verona?
He has the mathematical abilities of a Clydesdale.
—DAVID LETTERMAN
Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
—JOAN RIVERS
What’s on your mind? If you’ll forgive the overstatement.
—FRED ALLEN
A friendly old vicar met Groucho Marx for the first time and started to tell him how much he enjoyed his films. “I want to thank you Mr. Marx for all the enjoyment you’ve given the world,” he said. “And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you’ve taken out of it,” replied Groucho.
Groucho Marx
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
I’ll bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork.
Why don’t you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception.
I have nothing but confidence in you ... and very little of that.
I could dance with you until the cows come home ... on second thought, I’d rather dance with the cows until you come home.
Don’t look now, but there’s one man too many in this room, and I think it’s you.
I can see you in the kitchen, bending over a hot stove ... but I can’t see the stove.
She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
Now there goes a man with an open mind. You can feel the draft from here.
When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?
—DAVID LETTERMAN
She doesn’t understand the concept of
Roman numerals. She thinks we fought
in World War Eleven.
—JOAN RIVERS
If at first you don’t succeed, keep on suckin’ til you do suck seed.
—CURLY (OF THE THREE STOOGES)
In order to feel safe on his private jet, John
Travolta purchased a bomb-sniffing dog.
The dog came six movies too late.
—TINA FEY
Catfight
I wouldn’t piss on her if she was on fire. —Bette Davis on Joan Crawford
Take away the pop eyes, the cigarette, and those funny clipped words, and what have you got? She’s phony, but I guess the public likes that. —Joan Crawford on Bette Davis
The best time I ever had with Joan Crawford was when I pushed her down the stairs in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?—Bette Davis
Why am I so good at playing bitches? I think it’s because I’m not a bitch. Maybe that’s why Miss Crawford always plays ladies.—Bette Davis
I didn’t know her well, but after watching her in action I didn’t want to know her well. —Joan Crawford on Bette Davis
There goes the famous good time that was had by all.—Bette Davis on Joan Crawford
Miss Davis was always partial to covering up her face in motion pictures. She called it “art.” Others might call it camouflage—a cover-up for the absence of any real beauty.—Joan Crawford
Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.
—GEORGE BURNS
Brassy, brazen witch on a mortgaged broomstick, a steamroller with cleats.
—WALTER KERR ON ETHEL MERMAN
I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body.
—WALTER MATTHAU
He had a winning smile, but everything else was a loser.
—GEORGE C. SCOTT
W. C. Fields, when asked why he never drank water, replied, “Fish fuck in it.”
Of course we all know that Morris was a wonderful all-round man, but the act of walking round him has always tired me.
—MAX BEERBOHM ON WILLIAM MORRIS
You tweachewous miscweant!
—ELMER FUDD
She’s descended from a long line her mother listened to.
—GYPSY ROSE LEE
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog at a movie opening: “Okay, it’s time for Star Wars trivia. First question: ‘What substance was Han Solo frozen in?’” Crowd: “Carbonite!” Triumph: “No no, I’m sorry, I’m very sorry, the correct answer is ‘Who gives a shit?’”
In California, they don’t throw their garbage away—they make it into TV shows.
—WOODY ALLEN
Kirstie Alley says she makes her new boyfriends wait six months to have sex with her. Of course, some insist on twelve months.
—CONAN O’BRIEN
I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
—WOODY ALLEN
She has a face that belongs to the sea and the wind, with large rocking-horse nostrils and teeth that you just know bite an apple every day.
—CECIL BEATON ABOUT KATHARINE HEPBURN
He has turned almost alarmingly blond—he’s gone past platinum, he must be plutonium; his hair is coordinated with his teeth.
—PAULINE KAEL ABOUT ROBERT REDFORD
Roman Polanski is a four-foot Pole you wouldn’t want to touch with a ten-foot pole.55
—KENNETH TYNAN
It’s a new low for actresses when you have to wonder what’s between her ears instead of her legs.
—KATHERINE HEPBURN ABOUT SHARON
STONE
Match the Insult to the Sitcom56
The Office (Dwight Schrute)
Roseanne (Roseanne)
The Muppet Show (Statler and Waldorf)
Curb Your Enthusiasm (Larry David)
The Simpsons (Groundskeeper Willie)
Family Guy (Stewie Griffin)
Well, I’d love to stay and chat, but you’re a total bitch.
Bonjour, you cheese-eating surrender-monkeys!
Switzerland is a place where they don’t like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.
Dolphins get a lot of good publicity for the drowning swimmers they push back to shore, but what you don’t hear about is the many people they push farther out to sea! Dolphins aren’t smart. They just like pushing things.
Your idea of romance is popping the can away from my face.
Wake up, you old fool, you slept through the show. Who’s a fool? You watched it.
BEAUTY
(OR LACK THEREOF)
BEAUTY
(OR LACK THEREOF)
You know that not particularly clever phrase “coyote ugly”? Meaning that you wake up with the person you met in the bar last night when you were so drunk that you actually thought you looked good in the bathroom mirror 57 and this person is laying on your arm and you’d almost rather chew it off than wake them ... you don’t want to get there. I realize that looks are subjective ... just please don’t subject me to the bad ones. I’ve heard some wise men claim that confidence makes up for ugliness, but I dunno, it doesn’t work for me. Makeup can go a ways to help, and being generous sexually is always a good remedy—some faces look a lot better from the top of the head down. Be careful, though ... it’s actually harder to run with just one arm.
Do you think that
I’ll lose my looks
when I get older?
With luck, yes ...
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
God made me
pretty;
what the hell
happened to you?
You used to look
your age; now,
you don’t even look
your species.
Your hairdresser
must really hate you.
He has the face of
a saint—a Saint
Bernard.
Hit with the
ugly stick? You
must have been
born in the ugly
forest. Looks
like you fell out
of the ugly tree
and hit every
branch on the
way down.
When you
come into
a room, the
mice jump on
chairs.
Well, obviously
this day was a
total waste of
makeup.
I always say
that the best
years of a
woman’s life are
the ten years
between thirty
and thirty-one.
You’re lucky to be
born beautiful;
unlike me,
who was born a
huge liar.
That
woman’s had
her face lifted
so many
times there’s
nothing left
inside her
shoes.
You look like you
comb your hair with
an eggbeater.
See, that’s what’s
meant by dark and
handsome. When
it’s dark, he’s
handsome.
Don’t hate me
because I’m
beautiful ... hate
me because
your boyfriend
thinks I’m
beautiful.
Politics and Current Events
What’s the difference between a Democrat and a
Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks.
—LEWIS BLACK
YOU’RE NOT REALLY SUPPOSED to discuss politics in anyone’s company. One could reasonably argue that the whole process is one big insult. Republicans hate the Democrats, Democrats hate the Republicans (and themselves) ... You take one side, he’ll take another, throw in yet a third, and let the battle commence. Nothing brings out the need to insult more than people’s political views.
Roosevelt proved that a man could be president for life,
Truman proved that anybody could be president, and
Eisenhower proved we don’t need to have a president.
—KENNETH B. KEATING
He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
—MOLLY IVINS
Use of the Word “Fuck” in History
“What the fuck was that?”
Mayor of Hiroshima
“Where the fuck is all this water coming from?”
Captain of the Titanic
“That’s not a real fucking gun.”
John Lennon
“Who’s gonna fucking find out?”
Richard Nixon
“Heads are going to fucking roll.”
Anne Boleyn
“Any fucking idiot could understand that.”
Albert Einstein
“It does so fucking look like her!”
Picasso
“How the fuck did you work that out?”
Pythagoras
“You want what on the fucking ceiling?”
Michaelangelo
“Fuck a duck.”
Walt Disney
“Why? Because it’s fucking there!”
Edmund Hillary
“I don’t suppose it’s gonna fucking rain?”
Joan of Arc
“Scattered fucking showers my ass.”
Noah
“I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head.”
John F. Kennedy
He has every attribute of a dog except loyalty.
—THOMAS P. GORE
Why hate someone for the color of their skin when there are much better reasons to hate them? Racism isn’t born, folks, it’s taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.
—DENIS LEARY
Insults and More Insults
You really have to get to know him to dislike him.58
A triumph of the embalmer’s art.59
Attila the Hen.60
She loves nature—in spite of what it did to her.61
He looks as though he’s been weaned on a pickle.62
He can’t help it—he was born with a silver foot in his mouth.63
His mind was like a soup dish, wide and shallow; it could hold a small amount of nearly anything, but the slightest jarring spilled the soup into somebody’s lap.64
Why, this fellow don’t know any more about politics than a pig knows about Sunday.65
He has the lucidity which is the by-product of a fundamentally sterile mind.66
Little things affect little minds.
—BENJAMIN DISRAELI
When he was a young reporter, the journalist Heywood Broun was sent to interview a very stuffy member of Congress on a very controversial subject. “I have nothing to say, young man,” said the Congressman haughtily. “I know,” said Broun, “now shall we get on with the interview?”
He has no more backbone than a chocolate éclair.
—THEODORE ROOSEVELT
His ignorance is encyclopedic.
—ABBA EBAN
If he were any dumber, he’d be a tree.
—BARRY GOLDWATER
He could never see a belt without hitting below it.
—MARGOT ASQUITH
He never said a foolish thing nor ever did a wise one.
—EARL OF ROCHESTER
The higher a monkey climbs, the more
you see of its behind.
—JOSEPH STILWELL
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are “I’m from the government and I’m here to help.”
—RONALD REAGAN
Condoleezza Rice is sexy in sort of an ice-cold praying mantis sort of way.
—STEPHEN COLBERT
Bessie Braddock to Churchill: “Winston, you’re drunk!” Churchill: “Bessie, you’re ugly, but tomorrow morning I shall be sober.”
The Snark Handbook: Insult Edition (Snark Series) Page 5