The Snark Handbook: Insult Edition (Snark Series)

by Lawrence Dorfman

  “Well, it was like this ... I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt, and that’s when I made my mistake ...”

  “What did you do?,” the doctor asked.

  “I lifted the cow’s tail again and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’ ... I don’t remember much after that.”

  Without the use of drugs our athletes are like drivers of a racing car with one gear less than their rivals.

  —HARVEY SMITH

  Insults and More Insults

  If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make something out of you.72

  “My wife just had a baby.” “Congratulations! Whose is it?”73

  Like an octopus falling out of a tree.74

  Lie down so I can recognize you.75

  He has so many hooks in his nose, he looks like a piece of bait.76

  She was so far in the closet she was in danger of being a garment bag.77

  Snarkin’ the News

  Ain’t sports grand? The general managers of all of the NHL hockey teams convened this week to decide which hits to the head would be deemed “illegal.” Sort of conjures up one big Three Stooges convention, no? “Hey, Moe, pick two fingers. ...”

  The leadoff batter for the Minnesota Twins hit a foul ball into the stands and struck his mother. He will spend the rest of the season in his room.

  Tiger Woods dropped out of the TPC because of a “bulge” in his neck. Wasn’t a bulge what got him in trouble in the first place?

  Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: “He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.”

  Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

  Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: “I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.”

  If you’re caught on a golf course during a storm and

  are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even

  God can hit a 1-iron.

  —LEE TREVINO

  These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.

  —SAM SNEAD

  I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk, and a moose.

  —GERALD FORD

  Incompetence should not be confined to one sex.

  —BILL RUSSELL ON FEMALES OFFICIATING IN THE NBA

  The Dodgers and Giants were playing in 1965, and Lou Johnson lined a ball into the seats down the left-field line. A blind man would’ve known it was foul, but third-base ump Augie Donatelli made the call anyway.

  When the inning ended, Donatelli happened to look toward the stands where the ball went and saw stadium attendants carrying a woman on a stretcher.

  As Junior Gilliam trotted out to play third for the Dodgers, Donatelli asked him, “Did Johnson’s foul hit that woman?”

  “Nah,” Gilliam said. “You called it right, and she fainted.”

  Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips, when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, responded: “Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye.”

  And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the ’Skins say, “I’d run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,” Matt Millen of the Raiders said: “To win, I’d run over Joe’s mom, too.”

  Things in Golf That Sound Dirty

  After eighteen holes, I can barely walk.

  You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

  Mind if I join your threesome?

  Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

  Hold up ... I need to wash my balls first.

  You’ve got one problem—you stand too close to the ball ... after you’ve hit it.

  —SAM SNEAD

  A look at the transcript from one Tiger Woods interview:

  Q: “Do you look forward to playing golf again?”

  A: “I dunno, for some reason eighteen holes feels a little bit like a letdown.”

  Fifty years ago, a hundred white men chasing one black

  man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan.

  Today it’s called the PGA Tour.

  —UNKNOWN

  Shaquille O’Neal was having trouble with his free-throw shots. To rattle him, opposing player A. C. Greene, co-founder of the group Athletes for Abstinence, called out, “You’ll be all right as soon as you get some experience.” Shaq replied, “And you’ll be okay as soon as you get some sex.”

  The least thing upsets him on the links.

  He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies

  in the adjoining meadows.

  —P. G. WODEHOUSE

  CHARISMA

  (OR LACK THEREOF)

  CHARISMA

  OR LACK THEREOF

  When you’re annoying me, I’ll let you know it. I think of it as community service, not as being mean. Because otherwise you’ll just keep on doing it—your quirks, peculiarities, mannerisms, and traits, which may be cute to your mom79 but aren’t—and quickly everyone you know will be avoiding you like the swine flu. By nipping it in the bud, I’m preventing you from horrifying the entire world with your lack of style, taste, and personality, hence the “service” aspect of my advice. Don’t try to convince yourself that it’s me. Listen to what I’m saying and change.

  You have an

  inferiority

  complex—

  and it’s fully

  justified.

  You’re not

  yourself today.

  I noticed the

  improvement

  immediately.

  I’m just

  trying to imagine

  you with a

  personality.

  Do you have to

  leave so soon?

  I was about to

  poison the tea.

  There are

  enough

  people to

  hate in the

  world already

  without you

  working so

  hard to give us

  another.

  Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks

  you’re an asshole.

  79 Maybe when you were a four-year-old ...

  Do you ever wonder

  what life would be

  like if you’d had

  enough oxygen at

  birth?

  Of course I’d

  like to help

  you out. Which

  way did you

  come in?

  You know the

  drill! You leave

  a message....

  and I

  ignore it!

  If you see two

  people talking and

  one looks

  bored, he’s the

  other one.

  I’m not

  mean ... you’re

  just a sissy.

  When I think

  of all the

  people I

  respect the

  most, you’re

  right there,

  serving them

  drinks.

  I can’t seem to

  remember your

  name, but please

  don’t help me.

  I don’t know

  what your

  problem is,

  but I’ll bet

  it’s hard to

  pronounce.

  Of all the

  people

  I’ve met ...

  you’re

  certainly

 
one of

  them.

  Work

  The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.

  —OSCAR WILDE

  WE ALL HATE WORK. We spend half of our lives there and are rarely satisfied. Anybody that says different is either lying, brain-dead, or an idiot. And ripe for a promotion.

  We spend our days thinking of ways to get out of work. Feigning sickness, searching the Internet, leaving early. Everybody thinks their job is the worst, their workplace the most unhealthy, that their coworkers are the biggest schmucks ... so I can’t think of a better breeding ground for great snark ... or a better place to use it.

  It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job: it’s a depression when you lose yours.

  —HARRY S. TRUMAN

  Snarky Workplace Commentary

  Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

  Can I trade this job for what’s behind Door One?

  Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

  Chaos, panic, and disorder—my work here is done.

  I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.

  Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

  How many people work in your office? About half of them.

  Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

  There’s too much blood in my caffeine system.

  You set low standards and consistently fail to achieve them.

  If A equals success, then the formula is A equals X plus

  Y and Z, with X being work, Y play, and Z keeping your

  mouth shut.

  —ALBERT EINSTEIN

  I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.

  How do I set a laser printer to stun?

  Doing nothing is very hard to do ... you never know when you’re finished.

  —LESLIE NIELSEN

  Today is “Take our Daughters to Work Day.” This is when girls ages nine to fifteen go to work. Or, as it’s called at the

  Nike factory—Thursday. —BILL MAHER

  A good rule of thumb is if you’ve made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you’ve made a serious vocational error.

  —DENNIS MILLER

  Match the Insult to the Businessman78

  Donald Trump

  Steve Jobs

  Henry Ford

  Bill Gates

  Ted Turner

  Warren Buffett

  Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

  Let blockheads read what blockheads wrote.

  My son is now an “entrepreneur.” That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.

  I have made the tough decisions, always with an eye toward the bottom line. Perhaps it’s time America was run like a business.

  Pretty much, Apple and Dell are the only ones in this industry making money. They make it by being Walmart. We make it by innovation.

  A business that makes nothing but money is a poor business.

  The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary.

  —DONALD KENDALL

  A manager is called into his boss’s office on Monday and told he has to get rid of one employee in his department. “Downsizing.” He’s really upset. For the next two days he racks his brain trying to figure out whom to fire. On Tuesday afternoon he sees Jack and Jill standing at the watercooler. He says to himself, “Okay, it’s going to be one of them.” He spends the next few days scrutinizing what each of them does. Everything is equal. Productivity. Time off. Reports. Everything. He’s in a quandary. It’s Friday afternoon and he knows he’s going to have to think about this all weekend. Everyone has left the office except Jack and Jill, who are getting ready to leave. She comes over to say good-bye.

  “Have a good weekend, boss. Hey, you don’t look so good. Is everything okay?”

  He looks at her and says, “To be honest, I’m having a tough time here. I can’t decide if I should lay you or Jack off.”

  She looks at him and says, “Well, I have to catch a bus, so I suggest you jack off.”

  The reward for work well done is

  the opportunity to do more.

  Experience is a comb that nature gives

  to men when they are bald.

  Things Not to Say to Your Boss

  I wasn’t sleeping ... I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.

  Yes, I can only do one thing at a time.... I could do more with a raise, though.

  There is nothing left on YouTube to watch!

  Hey, I just took this job for the high-speed Internet.

  I wasn’t daydreaming. Do you discriminate against people who practice yoga?

  That’s what I like about working for you: total freedom from hero worship. It’s refreshing.

  I’m not doodling, I thought you were gone for the day.

  I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

  Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.

  —CHAR LIE McCARTHY

  An expert is someone called in at the

  last minute to share the blame.

  Snarky Definitions

  Concept, n.: Any idea for which an outside consultant billed you more than $25,000.

  Entrepreneur, n.: A high-rolling risk taker who would rather be a spectacular failure than a dismal success.

  Expert, n.: Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.

  Memo, n.: An interoffice communication too often written more for the benefit of the person who sends it than the person who receives it.

  Q. What do your boss and a Slinky have in common?

  A. They’re both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.

  His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours.

  —ARTHUR BAER

  Any organization is like a septic tank. The really big chunks rise to the top.

  —JOHN IMHOFF

  Snarkin’ the News

  Key jobs predicted for the future: Lawyers specializing in gay divorce and tattoo removal artists. Other futuristic opportunities—Facebook twelvestep program leaders, doctors specializing in Wiirelated injuries, and used e-booksellers.

  Honda has announced it is expanding its recall of airbag inflators and will now need to get back the ones they lent to Congress immediately.

  Bernie Madoff’s family petitioned the court this week to change their name to Morgan, claiming they were being harassed when people heard the name. They choose Morgan as an homage to J. P. Morgan, a robber baron who bilked millions out of their hard-earned money.

  The Wall Street Journal reports that the price of cars is going up. Toyota is now charging extra for brakes.

  Scientists have discovered that the thawing permafrost is releasing nitrous oxide into the ozone. This explains the uncontrollable laughter coming from people in Greenland as they freeze their asses off.

  It’s not so much how busy you are, but why you are busy.

  The bee is praised, the mosquito is swatted.

  —CATHER INE O’HARA

  The status of a temp is somewhere between that of a security guard and the crud behind the refrigerator.

  —SCOTT ADAMS

  Nothing is illegal if a hundred businessmen decide to do it, and that’s true anywhere in the world.

  —ANDREW YOUNG

  Two guys are running a store and decide to have a big clearance sale. Within three hours, everything is sold from the store. One fellow says to the other, “Well, what now? We’ve sold everything.”

  The other replies, “Don’t worry, there’s a guy who comes in here every day and ask stupid questions. We’ll have a few laughs on him.”

  Sure enough, the guy comes walking in, hands in pockets, looking around. “Tell me, what’s on sale today?”

  One of the fellows says, “Hey, just in time, we’re having a sale on assholes!”

  To which the guy repli
es, “Well, ya must be doing pretty good, ’cause ya only got two left!”

  A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

  I have a degree in liberal arts. Do you

  want fries with that?

  I work hard because millions on welfare depend upon me.

  I’m just working here until a good fast-food job

  opens up.

  An air freshener salesman goes to an executive building to market his product to a prospective buyer. He steps in to an empty elevator and presses the tenth-floor button. Just as the doors close, he lets out an awful fart.