Relax. Let the fumes do their work. I can do that, kick back and close my eyes. Everything I’ve read says I’ll simply go to sleep and not wake up. That will be okay. I don’t want to be here anymore.
My wife left me. I have no children. My God has forsaken me. My church booted me. My family will hate me when they know the truth. My job is purely the benevolence of my baby brother. The only bright spot was Dani, and she deserves more, so much more. Anyone who can go through what she’s been through and come out the other side deserves more. She needs a submissive who’s confident, who’s decisive and can understand her wishes, who cares more about her happiness and wellbeing than his own, not someone who’s preoccupied with misery and lies to keep himself safe while sacrificing her reputation and feelings.
It only takes a few minutes before I start to feel drowsy. The gas gauge says I still have three quarters of a tank, so that’ll be fine. I take off my jacket, wad it up, and use it as a pillow as I lie down and wait. Then I think to turn on the radio. Some music might be nice. It’s just the usual country racket, but over it I remember Dani’s voice …
You’re the bright spot in my days, Panther. You’re the submissive I’ve been looking for all this time.
If only she’d said she loves me, I might be able to hold on. But now I can’t. I didn’t leave a note. My family will think it’s the divorce and the loss of my pastorate.
And that works for me.
* * *
Something’s on my face, something that feels like a spider. I try to brush it away but I can’t, and I hear somebody say, “He’s waking up!” In a second, I hear the voice again. “Brandt? Brandt, open your eyes. Can you hear me? I said, he’s waking up! Takes a fucking act of Congress to get anybody into a patient’s room.”
Then there’s light, piercing light, and I almost scream. “His pupils are reactive … Mr. Lawson, can you hear me? My name is Dr. Mathis. Open your eyes, Mr. Lawson.”
I don’t want to.
“Mr. Lawson, I’m pretty sure you can hear me. Open your eyes.”
God damn it, somebody pinches me. “Owww!”
“There we go! Mr. Lawson, open your eyes for me.” I try to pry them open and I see a woman standing over me. “Yes. I knew you could do it. Do you know where you are?”
“Hell?” That’s my best guess.
“Some think so, but it’s the hospital. Do you know why you’re in the hospital?”
“Because I’m in hell?” Now I’m sure that’s where I am.
“No, sir. You tried to kill yourself. Do you remember that?”
Oh, shit. What did I do wrong? I was sure it would work. I had plenty of gas and everything. “I fucked up.”
“That kind of language is very unlike him,” I hear the first voice say, and then I recognize it―Blake.
“Shut up,” I answer.
“Now that’s more like him,” he says with a chuckle. “What the hell are you trying to do, scaring the shit out of all of us?”
“Who found me? And how?”
“I did.” A hand takes one of mine and I know that touch intimately. “I felt bad about the letter I sent you but I couldn’t find you so I started looking. They were all looking too, the whole crew. That app I added to your phone saved your life.”
“You had me blocked.”
“Right. I had you blocked―you didn’t have me blocked. I just unblocked you and it popped right up. I found your car in the store parking lot and busted the window out. What were you trying to do, Brandt?”
That prompts me to finally open my eyes. Sure enough, Blake and the lady doctor are there, but the hand holding mine is Dani’s. “Can I speak with you privately?” I whisper to her.
“I need to talk to him alone,” she announces to the doctor and Blake.
“Ms. O’Leary, I don’t think …”
“You don’t have to think. Just step out into the hall. He’ll be perfectly safe with me.” I close my eyes and wait. In seconds, I hear the door close and check to make sure they’re gone. One glimpse says they are. “Okay. Talk to me, Brandt. Please? Help me understand.”
“You wouldn’t see me, wouldn’t talk to me, blocked my calls. Why did you go looking for me? Why couldn’t you just let me do it?” I whine like a two year old.
“Why did you try to do this? Does our relationship mean nothing to you? I don’t …”
“It meant everything to me, but you made it clear that it’s over. You don’t feel for me the way I feel for you, so―”
“What the hell are you talking about?” she asks in a tone I can’t describe. My eyes are closed, and I’m afraid to look at her expression.
“You’re the only Domme I’ve ever had, and the only one I want, and―”
“I’ve had a lot of submissives, and you’re the only one I want.”
I just sigh. “But you deserve better.”
“Do I not get to decide? I hear some topping from the bottom going on here,” she says with a snicker.
The shake of my head makes it rock side to side on the pillow. “It’s not like that.”
“Then why don’t you tell me what it’s like? Because I’m trying to understand, and I don’t. What do you mean, I don’t feel for you the way you feel for me?”
“I mean …” Suddenly, a wave of nausea hits me. “Grab that trash can, please.” It’s barely in my hands before I puke. There’s not a lot in my stomach, so only a little comes up, but I feel another one coming on. As soon as that one’s finished, I set the can on the nightstand, just in case I need it again. “Sorry.”
“That stuff will do that to you. You were saying?”
“Look, here’s the thing. I will never be able to tell my family. That means our relationship would have to be glossed over in public. You don’t deserve that. You deserve to be with somebody who can fully be with you, and you’ll never have that with me. I love you too much to …” Shit. I didn’t mean to say that. “I’m sorry. It’s just that I fell in love with you weeks ago, and I don’t want you saddled with somebody who’s weak and pathetic, and you don’t want to have a relationship with me anymore, so why did you even bother to go looking for me?”
“Okay, first, you’re going to have to tell your family. You have to. I don’t know if you realize it or not, but you’re going to therapy before you can even get out of here. The state will see to that. Suicide is a crime. They have the ability to charge you, and they rarely do that, but if you’re non-compliant, they just might, and if you don’t come clean with the therapist, I will. And second, as for how I feel about you, I love you, you idiot. I wasn’t going to come right out and say it yet, not until I had a contract ready to offer to you, but now you’ve gone and spoiled that surprise, so what the hell. I love you, Brandt, you and your crazy ideas and your fraidy-cat ways. I was just trying to get my bearings before I talked to you, but you were a little impatient. Considering what you did to me, you could’ve given me a little space.”
She loves me? She loves me! It’s a wonderful and terrible thing. Now I owe it to her to tell my family, and when I do, I’ll lose them. I’ll lose my job. All I’ll have is her. My decision in that moment is that she will be enough for me. “Dani, can you just stick by me? Please?”
“Like glue, little subbie. I’m not going anywhere. But I’d better let them back in before they have a stroke out there in the hallway.” She rises and reaches for the doorknob but before she turns it, she turns to me. “And I do love you, Brandt. More than anything in this world.”
More than anything in this world. I like the sound of that.
* * *
Dr. Kirkpatrick, my hospital-appointed therapist, told me she was going to get me a different therapist. At first I thought she didn’t want me because I’m such a loser. Then she explained that there’s a therapist here in town who specializes in serving the kink community and he’d understand my issues much better. Sure enough, when she called him, he said he’d be glad to see me.
I’ve been seeing Dr. Jacobs�
�the kink doctor, as I like to call him―every day for two weeks now. Dani has come to all of my appointments except for a couple when he wanted to see me alone. That was because he wanted to know about our relationship, so I told him. The next time she came in, he asked her the same things and she answered him almost word for word what I’d told him.
And that prompted this. If I can get through this, I can possibly get out at the end of the week. That would be nice. The psych ward isn’t a place I want to be for long. You wouldn’t believe the shit that goes on in here.
And, oh yeah, I’ve found my voice, and it’s not the voice I thought it would be. At all. I know words I didn’t realize I knew. Bad words. And I use them liberally. Funny what thinking they’re dead will do to a person.
Dani and I walk hand in hand to the conference room on the psych floor at twelve forty-five. My whole family is supposed to be here at one o’clock. I’m terrified. No, terrified is a mild word for what I feel. I feel like I’m going to the gallows. That’s how I feel.
“Okay, remember what I told you. Look toward them but not directly at any of them. Just pick a spot between two of them and use that. No matter their reaction, stay calm. If things get too intense, tell me and I’ll extract you.” Extract me. One of the reasons I like Dr. Jacobs―he’s so dramatic in a funny way.
“And I’ll help,” Dani assures me.
“Okay. Got it. Don’t look at them, just look toward them. And safeword if I need to,” I say, and I see Dr. Jacobs grin. “My safeword will be ‘get me the fuck out of here.’ Will that work?”
“Nicely,” he says with a chuckle. And then there’s a tap on the door.
They file in, all three of my brothers plus Mom and Dad, and I’m a little confused. “Where are the girls?”
“We thought that might be a little overwhelming,” Dad says. “This isn’t the biggest room.”
“That’s very thoughtful of you,” Dr. Jacobs says, and he’s not being a smartass. He’s genuine. “Brandt has been very anxious about this meeting, haven’t you, Brandt?”
“Yes. I have. I have something I have to tell everyone, and I’m not sure how it will be received,” I say somewhat haltingly. Dani’s hand squeezes mine under the table and I feel better. Not a lot. Just a little.
“And we have a question for you,” Dad says, and I know what it is.
“Okay. How ‘bout I answer your question first?” I look to Dr. Jacobs and he nods.
“Go ahead, Mr. Lawson,” he says.
“Thank you. I guess our only question is why, Brandt? Why in the hell would you do something like that? I mean, you didn’t seem depressed, and we didn’t notice you behaving any differently―”
“Because I wasn’t. I was behaving like I always have, and therein lies the problem,” I say, and the looks on their faces tell me I’ve just confused them more than before. “If I go ahead and tell you what I need to tell you, I think your question will be answered.”
I’m feeling a little dizzy and I hear Dr. Jacobs say, “Breathe, Brandt. Don’t forget to breathe.”
“Breathe. Right. Okay. Um, okay, so you’re right. I was behaving exactly as I always have. Exactly the way everybody expects me to. But I can’t do that anymore. I can’t be that person anymore. It was never who I really am. Trying to be that other person cost me everything, and it wasn’t worth it.”
“Son,” Dad interrupts, “could you please tell us what the hell you’re talking about? Just cut to the chase.”
I take a deep breath, count to five, and let it out. Surely they can see how hard this is for me. Might as well just launch into it. “I’m not who I’ve always appeared to be. I’m someone very different. You’ve always wanted me to be in the lifestyle like everybody else in the family, and I want that too.”
“Then why didn’t you just say so? That’s no problem. Your brothers―”
“It’s a huge problem, Dad. I’m not like my brothers. I’m―”
“You’re gay, right? I knew it,” Brock says and I want to punch him.
I snarl back, “I think you exist specifically to rile up anybody and everybody you can.”
“He’s a pro at it too,” Blake snaps.
“No. I’m not gay, asshole,” I bark.
“Then what the fuck, preacher boy?” he snaps back.
“Brock!” Dad yells.
A calm voice interrupts. “Everybody! Let’s just take it down a notch, shall we? My patient is trying to tell you something that’s very difficult for him. Another outburst like that and I’ll have to ask you to leave the room,” Dr.Jacobs says, glaring at Brock, and I see my little brother back down a bit. “Go ahead, Brandt. Don’t let this shake you. Dani’s here with you.” When he says that, I glance over at her and she gives me a smile that makes me feel better instantly.
“I’m not gay,” I repeat and watch Boone and Blake ferret glances at Brock, who’s all sulled up like a toad. “And I’m not a preacher boy. My church doesn’t want me anymore. I’m divorced. My wife didn’t want me when she found out. And you won’t want me in the family when you find out.” Dad’s about to say something when I blurt out, “I’m in the lifestyle. But I’m not a Dominant. I’m a submissive. And Dani’s my Mistress.”
Boone looks at me like I’ve completely lost my mind. “This is why you tried to kill yourself? What the hell, Brandt? Why would that bother us?”
“Yeah, why?” Blake chimes up. “I mean, we’re all in the lifestyle. If there’s any group of people who knows more about the lack of control we have in choosing our role within the kink world, I don’t know who the hell it would be. If you’re a Dominant, you’re a Dominant. But if you’re a submissive, then, well, that’s who you are. Why would we care?”
I can’t believe what I’m hearing. When I look at Dad, he shrugs. “Yeah. Why would we care?”
Oh. My. God. I almost killed myself over something that’s not fazing them at all? What the hell? Seriously? “I-I-I-I-I-I thought you’d disown me.”
“Disown you? Son, there’s not one person in this family who has a right to judge you for anything. Boone has been divorced too. Brock couldn’t hold a job until he went to work for Boone.”
“Hey! What the fuck?” Brock yells.
“Oh, shut up. You know it’s true,” Dad says and goes on without a hiccup. “And Blake, well, tell him, son.”
“Um, I … The first year Misti and I were married, I, um, I had an affair.” I’m speechless. “Almost cost me my marriage. I was a dumbass. I’ve been kissing her feet ever since. In the most Dominant way possible, of course,” he says, and his face is scarlet. I know how much it cost him personally to tell me that, and I can also tell Boone and Brock knew nothing about it simply by the fact that their jaws are lying on the floor.
Mom gives me a gentle smile. “So you see, son, we’re just glad you know what you want and who you are. Can I guess that you told Mona all of this?”
“In a roundabout way, yes. I mean, I asked her to do something specific and she acted like I’d just asked her to step into the sanctuary naked. She had a fit, said I was an abomination, and tossed my stuff out on the lawn. When the church found out we were separated, they fired me.”
“Baptist churches don’t like divorced ministers,” Boone points out.
“Exactly. But being honest with her about my desires is why she divorced me.”
Dad nods toward Dani. “I can see that. So, what kind of relationship are the two of you building?”
“A long one, I hope,” Dani says and squeezes my hand again under the table.
“Are you planning to make it more permanent?” he asks.
“Yes. That’s my plan,” she answers with a smile.
“Good. My boys never liked being single. They’re family men. Have you been coming to his therapy appointments too?”
“Yes, sir, I have.”
“That’s more than I could hope for. I appreciate you being here for him when he was scared and alone.”
She shakes her head. “
No, sir. I wasn’t. I abandoned him too. I’ll be forever guilt-ridden about that.”
“That’s over and we all move on,” Dad says. “And it doesn’t matter your role in his life, you’ll be expected to go through the same process to come into our family that all the other daughters-in-law have.”
“Dad, we haven’t talked about―”
She quiets me with a finger to my lips. “Submissive, that was not addressed to you. It was addressed to me.” With a smile, she turns to my father. “We haven’t talked about that yet, but we will. I was working on a contract for the two of us before this happened, and we’ll be negotiating that in the next few weeks, I hope. But whatever you’d like me to do to fit into the family, please, just tell me and I’ll be happy to do it. I only want what’s best for Brandt.”
That’s the tipping point for me, and I start to sob. Out loud. Ridiculously loud. And I can’t help it or stop it. A pair of arms wraps around me tight and a familiar voice whispers, “Now, now, my son. I love you. Everything’s okay now. Shhhh, baby. We all love you so much.” I just clutch my mom to me as she kneels there in front of me and cry like I’ve never cried before.
I know how my dad and his brothers were raised. I know how his dad and uncles were raised. I know how they raised us. If I’ve learned nothing over the years, it’s that we can fight amongst ourselves all we want, but when one of us is threatened, we close ranks and fight as one. I wasn’t sure that would stand true for me, but I never should’ve doubted them. My family stands with me. I’m not forsaken or abandoned. I’m a Lawson. And if I have any say in it, Danielle O’Leary will be a Lawson soon too.
* * *
We’ve been talking about ways to make the house more livable for everybody, and I think some of our ideas are viable. “I’ll build you a she shed out back. That can be our own little secret hideaway,” I tell her when she says she’ll miss my apartment as our own little private love nest.
“A she shed! You’ll build me a she shed? I’d love that!” Her forehead falls to rest on my sternum and I stroke her hair absentmindedly, loving the feel of her weight against me. “I love you, Brandt. I’ve never loved anybody the way I love you.”
Blissfully Hers: Bliss Series, Book Seven Page 26