“She knows that.”
“Yes, I think she does. But that belief has gotten mixed up with being disappointed about something that is very important to her, and now she’s lost her faith. I think we all know what it means to lose our faith.”
“What am I going to do?”
“Nothing. But there’s someone who can.”
“Who?”
“Santa Claus. Tomorrow I promised DeeDee that she and I would visit Santa. And with any luck I’ll find out what it is that she really wants. Will you go with us?”
“And what do we do if we can’t give her what she wants?”
“We will. I’m sure of it. It’s Christmas, Jonathan. Please. You need to learn to believe.”
Jonathan pulled away, his face filled with uncertainty. “This could be a mistake, Shannon. We’ve gotten so carried away with fairies and fantasy that we’ve lost touch with reality.”
“No,” she whispered. “DeeDee needs to believe in Santa. She needs to believe that she’s going to walk. If we help her believe hard enough, she will.”
“It doesn’t work that way in the real world, Kaseybelle,” he said sadly. “It’s only in your Milky Way fairyland that all the children’s dreams come true.”
Reality had come into the room. And reality brought fear to Shannon’s eyes. She stood, staring at him, her face awash with pain. She wanted him to take her back in his arms, to comfort her and tell her that he’d make things right. But that would only be adding to the fantasy.
Jonathan winced. He wished he could start over, keep his child on his mountain where he could protect her. But he couldn’t protect DeeDee or himself. His sanctuary had been breached by this woman. He’d fallen in love. And the cold truth was that he spoiled everything he touched. He’d destroy her just as he’d destroyed every other woman he’d cared for. His heart hurt, and he knew that it would never be whole again.
He and Shannon would never have a life together. DeeDee might never walk again. And he was about to lose them both.
Slowly Shannon wrapped herself in her blanket. Finally she turned. “You’re right, you know. We’ve both created a fantasy to cushion us from pain. But something happened that I didn’t count on. I fell in love.”
“All part of the fantasy,” Jonathan said in a low voice.
“Perhaps, but we’ll never know, will we, unless we go back into the real world?”
“The real world destroys love, Shannon. The only chance we have is by trying to preserve the fantasy. And now that’s in danger of ending.”
“I don’t know why you’re so certain that you can’t be happy, but there’s one thing I do know. I’m taking DeeDee to see Santa tomorrow. If you care about DeeDee, about me, you’ll come too.”
“No. All I have to do is let them in, and once they start their attack, DeeDee could be permanently destroyed.”
“Let who in? Why would anyone be looking for us?”
He hedged. “The reporters are always down there. Lawrence keeps them away. Once they see me with DeeDee, there’ll be no concealing what happened or who I am.”
He could have told her that he was more afraid that if the world knew the truth, someone might claim DeeDee.
As if she’d ordered it, the power came back on, illuminating the room. The tree lights began to twinkle.
“I think that you use that patch and that scar to hide, Jonathan, just as I’ve used Kaseybelle. So what if the world sees you? DeeDee loves you. She doesn’t care.”
“She won’t know any different, until people whisper and make her feel ashamed.”
“Nobody would ever be ashamed of you, Jonathan. We’re leaving in the morning, about ten. I’m hoping that the line won’t be so long if we go early. Come with us. Please.”
“I can’t.”
“It’s your choice.”
“Don’t go.”
She didn’t know whether he was asking her not to leave the study or not to go into town. It didn’t matter. She had to do both.
Shannon put on her clothes and was gone. Outside the window the sleet changed into snow and the world turned white again.
Eight
But they didn’t go the next morning, because Lawrence hadn’t returned, and the snow made the roads too treacherous for Shannon to risk making the trip alone. Driving was something she did little of under ordinary circumstances. She didn’t dare try it now.
After DeeDee went through her exercises, she was filled with pent-up energy. Throughout the day Shannon amused her by playing games and wrapping the presents they’d bought at Fantasy World. Shannon had managed to slip away with two small gifts, a magic wand for DeeDee and a tiny carved opossum for Jonathan.
Still the day loomed long, and Jonathan never appeared.
“Mr. Jonathan’s out riding that big black horse,” Mrs. Butter reported at lunch. “He’s gonna kill himself or break that animal’s leg the way he tears through the woods as if he’s being chased by the devil.”
“Like some barbarian warlord,” Shannon said softly, “who rapes and pillages a woman’s heart.”
He didn’t make an appearance at dinner either. But the next morning Lawrence was at the breakfast table. “Morning,” he said, as if he were fired and rehired every day.
DeeDee was already dressed and busily planning just what would happen once they reached the mall. “Good morning, Shannon, you have to eat quick. Lawrence is ready, and so am I.”
“Jonathan?” Shannon said, and raised a questioning eyebrow to Lawrence.
He gave an almost imperceptible shake of his head.
Well before ten o’clock they were installed in the limo, and Lawrence was driving down the snow-covered road toward the gate.
DeeDee’s chatter stopped. She looked out the window. “He isn’t coming, is he?”
“I don’t know,” Shannon answered. “I think it’s very hard for him. We must try to understand.”
“That’s all right. I’ll speak to Santa Claus. He is—” Her voice wavered for a moment. “He really can bring the things you want, can’t he?”
“Sometimes, but perhaps not always. Won’t you tell me what you’re going to ask for?”
“I’m going to ask him to fix my daddy’s face so he won’t be sad anymore and … and … things.”
It was the “things” Shannon was worried about. Somehow she had to find a way to let Santa Claus know how important it was for DeeDee to get what she asked for. The only way that would happen was for him to pass on DeeDee’s request.
Lawrence opened the gate electronically and the car moved through slowly.
Then they heard it, the sound of crashing, of the horse as it burst through the underbrush and onto the road just ahead of the car.
“Daddy!” DeeDee let the window down.
“Jonathan, you fool.” Lawrence brought the car to a stop as the horse came alongside. “You’re going to kill that horse.”
Jonathan slid off the horse and turned him back in the direction of the castle, giving him a slap on the rear. “Go home, Sinbad.”
“Daddy, you’re coming with us?”
“Of course, punkin. I couldn’t let you go to the North Pole without me.”
He climbed into the car, his long hair frosted with snow, his feet leaving clots of white ice on the floor mats. Once inside, he leaned back, pulled DeeDee into his lap, and rested his chin against her head. “Glad you’re back, Lawrence.”
Shannon was holding her breath. She had no idea what to say, how to respond to this man’s unorthodox entrance. No, not unorthodox, she decided. He would always be larger than life, and his wildness was only a part of the essence of Jonathan Dream.
And then he looked at Shannon, openly, sternly. “How are you this morning, Shannon?”
“I’m fine,” she said in a shaky voice. “We missed you yesterday.”
“Did you?”
“Yes. Where were you?”
“I was possum hunting. Couldn’t find a possum on the mountain,” he said with a su
ggestion of humor in his voice. “I guess you and DeeDee must have freed them all.” And then he smiled, an honest, genuine, wonderful smile that caught Shannon by surprise.
“Oh, Daddy, me and Shannon don’t really have any possums. You’re silly.”
“I guess you’re right, punkin. What do you think, Shannon?”
She debated about her answer for a moment, then gave way to the lightheartedness of the moment. “Is that a question?”
Jonathan’s smile narrowed into a thin, serious line. “I think it is, Ms. Summers. I think it certainly is.”
DeeDee insisted they sing Christmas carols to pass the time. Even Lawrence opened the partition and joined in. Shannon listened to the voices and felt a warm glow steal through her. This was the way it should be, the way a family ought to be and never was.
She thought about what was ahead and worried. Suppose DeeDee fell? Suppose she became afraid and refused to talk to Santa? Suppose the reporters really were waiting? What if she’d made a mistake?
She didn’t know what had changed Jonathan’s mind about coming. Nor was she certain how she felt about his being with them. She was afraid to believe that the day would be happy. Suppose it turned into a disaster?
Her fears weren’t only for DeeDee, but for Jonathan as well. She’d forced him into the world, and she understood that his apprehension was as strong as her own. The connection between them had reestablished itself without her being aware. When had it returned?
Almost from the moment they’d faced each other, they’d been joined, first by physical awareness and then by mutual commitment to his child. She let out a sigh as she looked out the window.
The sun was shining, kissing the snow-covered trees with diamonds. Overhead a bright-blue sky was smeared with pallet-knife blobs of white spread across in straight, thin lines. A flash of black darted across the treetops and off again as some winged predator searched for food.
Suddenly Shannon felt an odd sense of unease, as if she were exposed, pinned down against the earth while her winged assailant stayed just out of sight. It was the unknown, she decided, and the risk she was taking. She shivered.
“Are you cold, Shannon?”
He didn’t miss anything. He saw her almost imperceptible movement. She had the feeling that he was reading her mind as well. But she couldn’t tell what he was thinking. Just the force of his attention turned her into gelatin, while he’d encased his feelings in steel.
“No, I’m fine.”
“… and we’ll get in line,” DeeDee was telling Lawrence, “and then we’ll get up to the North Pole, where Santa has his magic kingdom. There will be elves who’ll give us candy and take our picture. Will they take your picture, too, Daddy?”
“I don’t think so, DeeDee. I don’t believe that I can fit on Santa’s knee, do you?”
She studied her father carefully, then shook her head in agreement. “But Shannon can. She can sit on Santa’s knee and ask him to bring what she wants most of all in the whole world.”
“Oh, I don’t think so—” Shannon began.
“Absolutely,” Jonathan agreed. “I think that she should have her picture taken with Santa just like you. Have you both been good?”
“You know I have, Daddy.”
“I don’t know,” Shannon answered honestly. “I don’t know anymore what ‘good’ is.”
Jonathan pushed DeeDee’s hair away from his face, shifting her so that she could look out the window and he could plant his gaze on Shannon. “Well, I know,” he said. “You’ve both been good, very, very good.”
The mall was crowded. It was the largest one outside of Asheville, and everyone at the foot of the mountain came to shop. Lawrence drove up to the entrance and stopped. He took DeeDee’s wheelchair from the trunk and set it up while Jonathan helped Shannon out, then lifted DeeDee.
“Now you push me, Daddy, until we get in line. Then, when it’s my turn, I’ll stand up and walk to Santa’s castle.”
“Fine, punkin,” he agreed, until he saw the layout and felt the anger rise. There were steps, a series of three sets of steps up to the raised platform on which Santa’s North Pole castle had been constructed. “Damn!”
“Oh,” Shannon whispered. “How could anybody plan such a layout?” DeeDee couldn’t manage this kind of arrangement, and there must have been other children who wouldn’t feel comfortable going up there alone.
DeeDee simply stared at the scene, then turned her face toward Shannon. “I don’t know if I can do that, Kaseybelle,” she whispered, “it looks very hard.”
“It looks irresponsible,” Jonathan said, swearing again.
By that time Lawrence had parked the car and joined them. “Well,” he said brightly, “let’s get in line.”
“But, Lawrence, I don’t think I can do that,” DeeDee said.
“I’ll bet that Santa has something worked out for just such a problem. Why don’t we give the old boy the benefit of the doubt?”
DeeDee’s eyes lost a little of their disappointment. “Like what?”
“Haven’t a clue, little one. But this is a magic place, and I’m willing to believe in magic. What about you?”
“Me, too,” Shannon said, taking the chair handles and moving DeeDee into line. She closed her eyes and gave a brief prayer for divine intervention, all the while aware that Lawrence had disappeared into the crowd.
Jonathan moved in behind her, taking her elbow as he leaned over to whisper in DeeDee’s ear. “Don’t worry, punkin, we’ll make it to the last set of steps, then if I have to, I’ll carry you up there.”
“Oh, no, Daddy. I have to do it myself, or else Santa might not bring me the thing I want most in the entire world.”
Instead of being apprehensive as Shannon had feared, DeeDee put her reservations behind her. She’d been told to believe in Santa, and she was ready to believe. She kept looking over her shoulder, first to the left, then to the right, as if she were checking to make certain that both Shannon and Jonathan were still there.
“Sorry.” Lawrence appeared behind them. “There’s no other way to get to the North Pole except up. Apparently they don’t cater to handicapped people around here.”
“Don’t worry, Lawrence,” DeeDee said. “I can do this myself. But next year my daddy is going to make sure that Santa moves where there aren’t any steps.”
The crowd moved slowly forward. The mall was filled with last-minute shoppers who gathered on the second floor and stared down at the North Pole below. Children cried, mothers became short-tempered, and Shannon began to worry. But DeeDee’s spirit never flagged.
Finally they reached the first set of steps.
“Release the footrest, Lawrence,” DeeDee directed, lifting her braces and setting them firmly on the floor in front of the chair. She stood, found her footing, and stepped up onto the first step.
Jonathan tensed every muscle in his body.
Shannon held her breath.
Lawrence had moved forward to talk to Santa’s helpers, pressing something folded into the hand of the pixie nearest Santa. He caught Jonathan’s attention and flashed the thumbs-up sign.
DeeDee made the second step and the third. She stopped and turned back. “Now, Daddy, you and Shannon may hold my hand.”
Solemnly Jonathan urged Shannon up the steps, each of them taking one of DeeDee’s hands as she’d instructed. She reached Santa’s throne and allowed her father to lift her to Santa’s knee. Giving both Shannon and Jonathan a strong look that told them her conversation was private, she turned to whisper in Santa’s ear.
Moments later she slid from his knee and took her father’s hand. “All right, Daddy, we can go now.”
“What about you, young lady?” Santa asked as Shannon scooted by. “Don’t you want to ask Santa for something special?”
“All I want is for DeeDee to get what she asked for,” she said, and turned to follow Jonathan as he carried DeeDee away from the North Pole.
“Then you’ll make a fine mother,” S
anta said, turning his attention to the next child who was coming forward.
“Mother?” Surely she’d misunderstood what he’d said. But she hadn’t. With a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach, she understood what DeeDee had done.
Shannon looked around for Lawrence. She needed to have someone tell her that she’d misinterpreted what had happened. But Lawrence had stayed behind to pay for the pictures and claim the information he’d paid the pixies for.
From the North Pole they headed for the open food court, where DeeDee selected pizza for all. Jonathan found a table for the three of them and went to place the order. Shannon sat, listening to DeeDee’s happy talk.
“And I told him, Shannon, and he said that he thought I had a very fine idea, and that he was sure that it would work out just like I wanted it to. Of course he didn’t say ’zactly, but he knows, and Santa can bring whatever I ask for, if I’m a good girl, can’t he?”
“But, DeeDee, Santa brings toys and fruit and candy. He can’t make—things—happen just because we want them.”
“Santa’s magic, Shannon, just like Kaseybelle. I wanted you and my daddy got you. Santa will answer my request too.”
Jonathan had been right. She should never have interfered. She’d made a bad mistake.
Jonathan paid for the pizza and fought his way back to the table. Shannon was studying DeeDee, listening to her conversation, but it was obvious that her mind was far away. He put the cardboard box on the table and served pieces to everyone. He and DeeDee ate, enjoying the rich cheese and tangy sauce. Shannon only toyed with her slice.
Maybe, just maybe he’d been wrong about facing the world. There was no shortage of attention showered on them, but he wasn’t sure whether it was because of DeeDee or because the children recognized that Shannon was a Kaseybelle look-alike. For the first time in a very long time, he didn’t feel the attention focused on him.
Until he glanced across the tops of the patrons sitting around the small tables and saw a television reporter facing a portable television camera. The camera slowly panned the crowd, reached the table where they were sitting, moved on, then came back. The reporter quickly turned to face them.
“Damn! We’ve been discovered.” Jonathan stood, ready to grab DeeDee and flee. But the camera didn’t seem to be focusing on him.
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