By now, the debilitating gravity of Nell’s abdomen seemed to have crept all the way down her limbs and into her feet, making them feel as if encased in boots of lead. Her ankles were bloated to the size of Beata’s, and further tortured by pins and needles. Unable to bend and get at them over her fecund dome in its iron corset, she held on to one of the poles that supported the stretchers and, amidst all the jerking of the wagon, tried to balance on one leg. Moving her other foot in a circle, she worked to improve her circulation, and whilst thus involved was to ponder on the way she had snapped at her friend. The mere thought procured a blush. She would have to eat humble pie when she saw Beata again … perhaps own up about the baby. The latter was unusually quiet at the moment, which was one small mercy, for even now she had no time to rest, but was at another patient’s beck and call. Not to mention Sister’s.
‘They shouldn’t have to call.’ her superior came up to deliver in hushed tone, though this was only out of consideration for the patients, and there was reproof in her eyes for Nell. ‘Forethought, Nurse Spottiswood, forethought, how many times do you have to be told? Anticipate the patient’s every need …’
‘Yes Sister, sorry Sister!’ And off Nell went again, every cell of her pregnant body screaming for a bed, yet forced to endure this for many an hour to come.
It was ten thirty in the morning when she finally staggered home. She had been on her feet for well over twenty-four hours. ‘Don’t wake me,’ she begged her mother in piteous tones, ‘not even for food. I just want to sleep.’ And she had only the energy to wash down a few bites of toast with a gulp of tea, and to undress for bed, before oblivion claimed her.
She was to sleep for all of that day, only rising in order to eat some supper, then it was back to bed again for the rest of the night.
‘You deserve the rest,’ agreed her mother.
This was quite some indulgence. Unfortunately, others were to be less so, for when Nell arrived for work a day later, it was to an impeachment. In this she was not alone, in fact all of those involved in the evacuation process had shared a similar supposition that they had given of their best and would be forgiven for catching up on their sleep. Now, they were assembled in Matron’s office, to be roundly disabused of this notion by a representative of the Ministry of Health.
‘Dereliction of duty! There is no other term for it,’ lectured the woman, who paraded judiciously before them in her hoary tweed suit and severe bun, her tone and expression relaying that they could at any moment be taken out and shot. ‘What if our soldiers should say, ‘Oh, I can’t be bothered to fire my gun today, I’ve done my bit now, I think I’ll go and have a nap?’ Where would the country be then?’
How unfair, thought Nell, after we slaved – though neither she nor any of the nurses dared protest that it was hardly the same, but were to stand there meekly and accept every criticism.
‘What would have been the plight of those needing instant evacuation?’ continued the official. ‘Would they have been left to their fate whilst their dilatory so-called nurses caught up on their beauty sleep? A shambles, a complete shambles! You should be thoroughly ashamed!’ Having worked herself into a froth, the tyrant then began to prowl up and down and to eye them one by one. Nell shrank expectantly, but it was Nurse Green the elder who attracted the first bullet. ‘How old is this nurse, Matron?’ the frowning official spun around to enquire.
Retaining her ladylike demeanour, Matron Lennox had been quietly seated at her desk throughout, and seemed hesitant to reply for the moment, for she had in fact been covering up for certain members of staff. Eventually, though, the birdlike face above the erect starched collar was to state with immense diplomacy, ‘Mrs Green is perfectly competent.’
‘I did not ask that!’ The woman snapped her attention back to Mrs Green. ‘How old are you?’
Mrs Green muttered the answer into her ample bosom.
‘Speak up, woman!’
The white-haired one snatched an uneasy glance over the top of her horn-rimmed glasses, finally to admit, ‘I’m sixty-seven.’
‘Good grief! No wonder you failed to turn up on time. It’s quite obvious you achieved this post under false pretences. Were you not aware when you applied that there is a maximum age limit? And for good reason!’ The official shot a look at the others then, and in the same breath sniped, ‘Though I fail to understand how the rest of you could possibly have an excuse – what is yours?’ she suddenly aimed at Frenchy.
The attractive dark head was tilted in question. ‘Pardon?’
The official frowned and leaned towards her. ‘Are you a foreigner?’
‘She’s French,’ Matron quickly explained before too much damage was incurred to her crew. ‘Married to one of our boys.’
‘Can she not reply for herself?’ The official regarded Frenchy with disdain, and when nought was forthcoming, save a look of confusion, she concurred with a yap, ‘I thought as much – can’t even speak English! Why wasn’t the Ministry informed of this?’
In the face of such rude demand, Matron was cool. ‘I should have thought the Ministry to be already aware, considering that it was the body responsible for sending Mrs French here in the first place. It has always been the official assertion that, despite my having forty years’ medical experience, neither I nor colleagues of equal rank are entitled to a say as to whom may be employed under the emergency measures.’
‘Well, I do have a say!’ clipped the interrogator, looking back at Nurse French. ‘And that makes two of you whose services are no longer required!’
Matron tried to save the day. ‘Despite her difficulty with our language, Mrs French is qualified in her own country – she did provide the appropriate references – and she hasn’t killed anyone yet.’
‘I’d prefer not to wait until she does! What else shall we find?’ The official’s eyes then began to examine each of the others, as shrewd and pitiless as a bird of prey. Caught in such sights, Nell’s heart fluttered like a sparrow.
But, by some felicitous quirk, neither she nor anyone else was to be singled out, and the final word of caution was for the benefit of all. ‘This will not happen again! I do not care that you are here on a voluntary basis, if you are to do the job then do it properly! Do I make myself clear?’
The nurses mumbled assurances.
‘Very well! That will be all, Matron.’ The raptor clamped a file under her wing, and made to leave the train. ‘I’ll trust you to dispense with those two. Good day!’ And with three strides she was gone.
‘I’m very sorry, Nurse Green, Nurse French,’ murmured matron, ever the lady, not considering it a loss of prestige to apologise in front of others. ‘But it seems your cover is blown, as they say. I’m unable to keep you on. Though I’m bound to add you have turned out to be far more capable than many I could mention, and it’s a great shame.’ She shook her neatly groomed head, and sighed at having her rank so affronted. ‘Apparently I’ve been granted no choice in the matter.’
With the victims’ pragmatic response, the rest of the nurses were instructed to go about their work, and began to file out of Matron’s office.
‘Nurse Spottiswood, a word if you please!’ Matron signalled for her to remain behind, and when there were just the two of them there, said without preamble, ‘How far along is your pregnancy?’
Thoroughly jolted, Nell immediately coloured up, the red travelling to her roots as she hung her head but did not deny it.
‘There’s not much you can hide from me, my dear. I’ve been aware of your condition for some weeks, but at Sister’s instigation I decided to let it pass for a while.’ She noted the sharp upturn in Nell’s demeanour that indicated surprise. ‘Despite what you may think,’ she now revealed sagely, ‘Sister Barber is very attached to you, and thinks you have the right temperament to make a good nurse. It was her opinion that your current circumstances didn’t appear to interfere with your work, and so we allowed you to carry on for a month or so, as in the natural course of events you wo
uld be leaving us soon enough anyway. But now it has begun to show …’ Matron cocked her head in sympathy, and repeated her former enquiry. ‘So, tell me, how far on are you?’
‘I’m not sure,’ whispered Nell. ‘But it was back in August that I last … had relations.’
‘Good heavens!’ Matron looked astonished. ‘Why, you must be almost ready to deliver. Have you received no medical attention?’
Trying to fight back tears, Nell shook her head.
‘I suppose you’ve been wearing a tight corset hoping it would go away,’ guessed her superior, rather stern of face again, and still battling incredulity. ‘Well, you’ve certainly managed to hide it remarkably well until now!’
But, as Nell started to weep, she clicked her tongue, adding, ‘You poor creature,’ and rose from her desk to lend a handkerchief and words of comfort. ‘It’s probably because your bump is evenly distributed around the sides that you were able to hide it – and taller girls like yourself do seem more able to carry it off. You’re not the first to hide a pregnancy, and you certainly won’t be the last. At least you’re not trying to deny it. I’ve known plenty who refused to accept they were carrying a baby even as they were giving birth! I’m just amazed that you’ve managed to continue with your work so uncomplainingly.’
Upon the flow of self-pity being staunched, Matron asked, ‘So, what do you intend to do? Will the boy marry you?’
‘He was killed last year.’ Nell broke down again.
‘Ah … it was that one. I’m so sorry.’ Matron’s voice was unusually soft. ‘Then you’ll need to be brave, my dear. Have you been concealing this from your parents too?’ At the distressed nod, she told Nell rather more uncompromisingly, ‘Well, you will have to tell them – in any event you cannot continue nursing at this late stage, it’s unsuitable for you to even appear in the workplace, leaving aside any physical repercussions – had I guessed you were so far along I’d never have sanctioned it. It’s a miracle our friendly official didn’t notice. Needless to say, you shall have to be sent home.’ In an untypical demonstration of hopelessness, Matron buried her head in her hands. ‘Good Lord, three nurses down – let’s hope there’s no emergency.’
Then, with Nell still weeping, she reverted to her normal self and, in steering her nurse to the door, was to mete a crumb of benevolence. ‘At least this is one instance for which we can be thankful you’re not state-registered, or you would be struck off. As things stand, I’m willing for you to return after the baby is adopted.’
Ambushed from her tears, Nell wanted to shout, Why do you falsely assume that I’ll give my baby up? But she did not, for it was not done and would only bring reproof, and besides, she appreciated Matron’s kindness. It was a relief to have told someone at last.
‘Run along home now,’ ordered Matron, patting Nell’s shoulder as she opened the door. ‘And please do inform your mother straight away. At the very least it will allow you to claim the proper nutrition. You could have been receiving extra milk and eggs, if you’d only come clean earlier.’
Involved with the preparation of dressings, the others regarded her with curiosity as she emerged dabbing her eyes from Matron’s office. She could see the question on their faces: why had Spotty been singled out to receive a more severe reprimand than the rest of them? Fending off their displays of concern with an upraised palm, Nell deterred any approach, then left without a word of explanation to any of them. Not even Beata. But a glance at her friend told Nell that she already knew.
‘Goodness, you made me jump out of my skin!’ accused her mother, hurriedly shoving an intended birthday gift out of sight into the cupboard, as Nell arrived home mid-morning.
Her face oozing guilt, Nell had been practising how to break her terrible news all the way home. She had finally primed herself, was on the brink of saying it, when Mother frowned and hazarded a guess:
‘You’ve been dismissed for not going back yesterday?’
‘Suspended.’ The lie tripped off Nell’s tongue, loaning her brief reprieve, and she thanked that horrendous shift for providing a good excuse. For now.
‘Oh, how mean …’ First came consolation, then practicality. ‘Well, you needn’t be bored. I’ll have ample to occupy you until you’re allowed to return. For a start, you can go through your clothes and put by anything that no longer fits you, particularly anything with rubber in it, such as those old galoshes you wore for school.’ With their enslaved colonies no longer able to export, rubber was now having to be salvaged, which explained Thelma’s manic preoccupation with the cupboard. ‘I could have sworn I had an old corset in here. I was going to cut off the suspenders, but I can’t find it anywhere – do you know, I swear there’s a goblin in this house, the things that have gone missing lately. Either that or I’m losing my marbles. Anyway, whatever you can find, I’ll take it to the WVS this afternoon. In fact, it’ll be rather handy you being off for a while, because you can help by doing the cleaning up and the shopping whilst I’m on official business.’
6
So, after lunch, and indeed every day except Sunday, for the next couple of weeks Nell found herself pressganged into completing a list of housework. With her normal clothes so tight-fitting now – zips of skirts having to be left open and secured with safety pins, and emphasising her distorted shape – she chose to retain her uniform, giving lame explanation to her mother that this was simply to make her feel professional. Though in truth this was the last way she was feeling. For the previous month the passenger in her abdomen had been inflicting tremendous strain on her lower back, as well as her shoulders, and all this donkeywork did not help. But there was little chance of lying down for a rest, with Mother expecting everything to be done by the time she got home from enjoying her own freedom at the WVS. Even worse than the housework was being made to queue outside a selection of shops for the daily groceries.
Standing in line outside the greengrocer’s on this Monday afternoon, after struggling to drag heavy sheets from the wringer to the washing line for much of the day, Nell constantly varied her weight from one hip to the other, trying to escape her agony. This procuring no relief, she stretched her body into an arc, pressed a hand to her lumbar region, and began to rub. Mother had heard there was a consignment of Spanish oranges arriving today, and, by the length of the queue, so had everyone else. Lord knew how long she would be standing there.
‘You’re entitled to go straight to the front in your condition, love.’
Nell turned to attend the woman behind her, and, to her shock, realised that her abdomen was protruding from her open coat. An immediate prickle of embarrassment sprang outwards from her breast, causing her face to turn scarlet and her heart to accelerate, as her secondary reaction was to slump and pull her coat around herself, whilst trying not to meet the curious gazes of others who were now craning to examine her.
‘Oh, I’m sorry.’ The speaker had noted that Nell wore no wedding ring. ‘My mistake …’
Face burning, Nell reverted her gaze ahead, but the damage was done. She was to thank God when an angry commotion up front, over the unreliability of supplies, diverted attention from her, allowing her to break ranks and slip away.
Thelma looked crestfallen at the lack of oranges in Nell’s basket when they coincidentally met up at the end of the avenue, both heading home through the late April sunshine. ‘But they said!’
‘Well, they said wrong.’ Nell was less than apologetic, her shoulders and spirits dragged down by the heavy basket of shopping. ‘Apparently the consignment was for the London area only.’
Thelma sighed. ‘Oh well, I suppose that’s only right, they’re suffering the most.’
‘I don’t know about that!’ snapped Nell. ‘I stood for absolutely ages.’
‘Well, yes, thank you for going to the trouble, dear. I shall miss not having you to help me. Did Matron not give you a specific date to return? Not that I want to lose you, but you should really go and check …’
‘Yeah, I’ll go tomor
row,’ sighed Nell, changing the encumbrance to her other hand.
‘Yeah? We didn’t pay out good money for slovenly speech!’
‘Yes, then,’ Nell replied with a wince, feeling that she was about to crack in half. Notwithstanding this, when they arrived home she was to help prepare the evening meal by pulling vegetables from the back garden and washing and slicing them, whilst Mother worked beside her on the main dish. All the while Nell was teetering on the verge of blurting it out, anxious to confide in her mother before Father came in.
‘I never thought I’d live to see the day when I was reduced to using this horrible stuff,’ sighed Thelma, having scraped the final slick of margarine from the greaseproof paper that had held it, and folding this away for later use. ‘How people can say it’s a substitute for butter … we might as well be living on a council estate.’
Nell barely responded, though her eyes followed her mother to the cupboard, where she added the folded greaseproof to the umpteen jars and bottles, bits of string, and other useful things she had thriftily put by.
Thelma went to the stove and stirred the contents of a saucepan that were now almost ready to serve. Then she cast a sideways glance at her daughter as they waited for Father to come in. ‘You’re very quiet, dear.’
Nell came out of her trance with a start.
‘Are you worried that they might not take you back?’
Looking into that concerned face, Nell was on the verge of saying something, then shook her head. ‘No, just tired.’
And at that point her father came in. Another opportunity lost.
With her parents tucking into their meal, Nell picking at hers, there was little said until halfway through. Then, ‘Next door’s had one of those new Morrison shelters delivered,’ Thelma informed her husband. ‘The stack of girders that went in, you would’ve thought they were erecting the Forth Bridge. All this clanking and banging, and poor Mrs Dawson trying to stop them demolishing her house in the process. Eh, you should’ve seen it, shouldn’t he, Eleanor? It was like Fred Karno’s!’
An Unsuitable Mother Page 14