Then there was Nina. Nell’s lips formed a wide, involuntary smile upon picturing herself cuddling that dear little body. Feeling guilty then, in her head she told William that it would not make the slightest difference to the way she felt about her son. He was her flesh, and she would always love him best, and yes, she would find him again one day. But whilst she was waiting …
* * *
Sobriety brought more thought, but no change of mind. It didn’t really matter that Pike could not do enough for her and Beata, in the confirmation that the boy had died from an abscess on his brain. That poor child’s death had precipitated the realisation for Nell that she would never be truly appreciated by her superiors. But she would by Joe and his daughter.
First, just to make sure that he had not changed his mind, she needed to discuss it with him again, wanting to make sure he knew the situation, that although she would never stop loving Billy, she did think a great deal of Joe.
And so, on the next afternoon that she picked Nina up from school and made them tea, the moment they were alone, she sought to broach it. ‘I’ve been reconsidering what you said …’
Helping her by drying the pots, Joe cocked his head, trying to think what that might be.
‘About us getting married,’ she reminded him.
He immediately perked up. ‘Oh, that!’
‘It’s obviously been on your mind too,’ Nell joked, he sharing her amusement. Then, he was to suspend his activities and listen with curious expression, as she tendered her question. ‘Is your proposal still on offer?’
Joe looked astonished, but his face had turned even brighter. ‘You want to marry me?’
Nell gave a keen nod and bit her lip. She should really tell him about William. Married couples should have no secrets. But it was all she could do not to cry just from thinking about her lost baby …
Joe remained happily thunderstruck. ‘By, you really like to spring surprises, don’t you? Well, blow me … what made you change your mind? Not that I’m complaining!’
Nell had no wish to relive that awful catalyst, saying cheerfully, ‘I know when I’m on to a good thing – I might never get asked again! I’m going to give in my notice at work, but I thought I’d better check that you haven’t changed your mind about wanting to marry me.’
‘Have I billy-oh!’ he laughed, as if unable to believe his luck.
‘Are you going to marry me dad?’ Both of them swivelled, and there stood Nina, back from the lavatory, with a look of sheer delight spread upon her face.
Sharing laughter with his bride-to-be, her father asked, with a rascally sparkle in his blue eyes, ‘Why, would that make you happy?’
And, shouting affirmation, Nina jumped up and down in glee. ‘Can I call you Mam now? Is it all right to tell people?’
‘I suppose –’
Joe only managed to get two words out before Nina ran to the front door, threw it open and shouted excitedly to the first passer-by, ‘Me mam and dad are getting married!’
Collapsing against his soon-to-be wife in despairing laughter, Joe called her back in. Upon which, Nina came racing straight to Nell, who picked her up and squeezed her, the two of them hugging and grinning for all they were worth.
And Joe stood smiling on, then only in afterthought did Nell hug him with such enthusiasm.
15
There seemed no point in delaying things. So, the moment her notice expired, Nell left the hospital to set up home with Joe. To be married she must first purchase a copy of her birth certificate. Therein lay another shock, seeing not only her mother’s name writ large, but her father’s too. Wilfred Spottiswood. Had it been male pride or pity that occasioned the lie? What a tangled web, thought Nell, her upstanding parents doing the lawful thing in having her registered, whilst for the sake of morality pretending to others that she had been adopted. Such farce!
It was a quiet ceremony at a register office – very quiet, with no one to represent her side of the family, and only a discreet get-together afterwards out of respect for Gussie’s recent bereavement. Joe did not invite his brothers, a fact that neither surprised nor bothered Nell, who presented a happy face throughout.
No one had suggested that Beata move out, but the instant she had learned of their plans she had chosen to set up residence with her sister Maddie, who was also a nurse, therefore granting Nell and Joe the privacy they would need to get to know each other.
With this in mind, only in hindsight did Joe admit, ‘I’ve been a bit thoughtless. You might have liked a honeymoon, this being your first time around, so to speak, and to make up for not having a big flash do. Fancy a trip to Scotland?’
But, ‘Too far on a motorbike,’ claimed Nell, paying more heed to the reflection of her glossy brown hair, which had been cut and styled for her wedding, and made her look younger and happier – though perhaps truer reason lay in the Mothering Sunday card crayoned at school. The ecstasy of receiving it was with her still.
‘You nit, I meant on the train! What sort of a cheapskate would I be, expecting you to get all dressed up for the bike?’
Nell laughingly apologised, but asked, ‘But how will Nina travel?’
He looked nonplussed, then, ‘Well, I was just thinking it’d be thee and me, seeing as it’s a honeymoon, like!’
Having not attached any romantic significance to their union, Nell reacted on impulse. ‘Oh, we can’t leave her behind! Why don’t we just wait till summer and have a family holiday then?’
Joe hid any disappointment, to say with munificence, ‘Well, if that’s what you want, that’s what you’ll have!’ So setting the mould for the rest of their marriage. ‘And let’s hope there’ll be an extra member on the way by then.’
Aware of his dearest wish to have a son to replace the one he had lost, despite her qualms and her feelings of disloyalty to William, Nell was looking forward to presenting him with one. ‘At least we’ve got the room.’
‘Aye, but we won’t be staying here,’ came Joe’s happy announcement. ‘I thought I’d mentioned that I put my name down for a council house a while back.’
Nell appeared thoughtful. Having found it difficult to get a job after leaving the army, Joe had taken what had been meant to be temporary work at Craven’s sweet factory, but had found that he actually enjoyed it, and so was still there almost eight years later. Even having worked his way up, it did not provide the highest of incomes. But he was to repudiate her supposition that he was unable to afford to buy, asserting that if the state was prepared to give them a house, he couldn’t see the point in investing all his savings in bricks and mortar to then have to scrimp on food. Bodily succour had always held great importance after the deprivation he had suffered as a child. ‘I’d much rather have that, and a seaside holiday every year – maybe a car like our Beat’s got her eye on!’ They shared a laugh here, for poor Beata had so far not managed to pass her driving test. ‘There’d be no rates, and no repairs. Just one thing: I haven’t notified the council we’ve moved out of Gussie’s, so if they should want to check, you might have to pretend we’re living there.’ Nell said she didn’t mind if he preferred to stay here, as she rather liked this quaint old place. But, ‘I can’t have my wife living in a mucky old house with a back yard!’ declared Joe with an affectionate chuck of her chin. ‘You want to see a bit of sky and greenery – first chance we get, we’ll be off.’
For now, though, they were to remain in their decrepit ex-grocery shop, with its worn-down steps and centuries of grime, and the cattle being driven past to market every week. Nell threw herself wholeheartedly into being a mother and housewife. Devoted to her new vocation, she hardly missed nursing at all, and even her visits to her old friends at the infirmary tailed off. Despite her fastidiousness at work, though, she was not the tidiest of people at home, but Joe didn’t seem to mind that. A wholesome cuddle and a nourishing meal was all he desired of his wife. Which was just as well, for the housework was often neglected if Nina was off school, Nell rushing through
the essentials so as to be with her, to share a meringue and enjoy giggling competition to see who could lick off the biggest dollop of mock cream, or who was the better at remembering the words of the latest hit.
Besotted as Nell was, there was inevitably a slight sense of abandonment when Joe came in, and Nina went running to greet the one she loved best, though she would never dream of voicing complaint.
In fact there was to be no grumble from any of them, for theirs was a happy little family, with outings to be enjoyed every weekend – to a park, or the races, a walking match at Whitsun, or a stroll in the countryside – plus a week’s holiday at the coast in summer. To date there had been no offer of a council house, and with thousands more waiting it could be some time yet, especially since Joe had expressed a preference to live on one of the new estates being built on the southerly outskirts of York. It would be worth the wait.
‘But we’ll have to get cracking with this lad you keep promising me,’ he joked one morning at breakfast. ‘I thought you might have something to tell me by now, you’ve been a bit dreamy since our holiday.’
Nell had not wanted any celebration to be premature, but now looked coquettish. ‘Well, as you ask …’ Seeing his face immediately light up, she rushed to add, ‘I might – only might be.’ There had been a lengthy gap in her cycle, and she had been feeling slightly off-colour.
‘Might be what?’ Nina had appeared and was watching and listening intently.
‘Bloody hell!’ her father looked apologetic for his inadvertent swear word. ‘You’re always creeping up on folk!’ But, in lifted mood, he grinned at her, before turning back to his wife for elucidation. Nell cautioned him not to raise his hopes until she had been to see the doctor – following which there had to be swift reassurance to a worried Nina that she was not ill. Understanding his child’s fear, Joe quickly dealt the truth. ‘Your mam’s just going to see him about having a baby brother for you.’
‘Or a sister,’ prompted Nell.
‘No, it’s got to be a lad,’ smiled Joe, grabbing a slice of toast. ‘We don’t need another lass, do we, Neen?’ And he reached out an arm to hook her into a cuddle, before taking a bite.
* * *
With an excited Joe unwilling to wait, Nell was cajoled into making a visit to the surgery that very same morning. Joe instructed her to come to the factory the minute she had any news, for he would not be able to last until evening. Being a senior employee, no one would object if he nipped out to see his wife. Nell would have preferred not to include Nina in her assignment, but with school being closed for July, she was forced to take her along.
It was all academic, though, for after a series of questions and an examination, the practitioner said he didn’t think she was pregnant. Nell made a sound of disappointment, and admitted as she dressed, ‘I’m sorry to waste your time, Doctor. My cycle’s always been irregular, but I just thought after four months that I might be …’
‘You still might be, Mrs Kilmaster,’ he said, trying to cheer her up as he scribbled on a hitherto blank record sheet. ‘If nothing’s happened in another month come back and we’ll examine you again.’
It was a very deflated Nell who went to collect Nina from the waiting room. She could already imagine Joe’s face collapsing in disappointment.
‘Am I getting a brother?’
With that earnest little face gazing up at her, Nell was instantly cheered. ‘Not yet, love – but that doesn’t matter when I’ve got you.’ And she confirmed this with a happy squeeze of her hand.
Nina looked decidedly glad, as they headed for the centre of town, and by the time they got to crooked old Coppergate, with its higgledy-piggledy skyline of ancient buildings alongside the sweet factory, with such an entertaining companion Nell was over her setback and laughing at something Nina had just said. Partaking of a nervous cigarette as he awaited their arrival, Joe became alert at the light-hearted approach of his wife, and his own expression began to mirror hers. Which made it even more difficult for Nell to inflict the crushing news.
But, ‘All’s not lost yet,’ she comforted, trying to be discreet with Nina attending so carefully to their exchange. ‘Maybe in a few more months you’ll have your dream.’
However, in only a few weeks, without revisiting the doctor, Nell was to be informed by her own body. There would be no baby that year. Speaking for herself, she was immensely happy as things stood, and thus her mood was to rub off on Joe, who managed to remain optimistic that he would have his son in the new year.
This was all well and good, but Nell wished that he wouldn’t watch her so closely for signs of its arrival.
Meanwhile, she was to be dealt another concern. Nina’s habit of drifting off seemed to be getting worse. Fearing the glazed expression might signify petit mal, Nell was to relate her worry to Beata. But with her reassuring chuckle, Beata said that was the trouble with being a nurse, it turned you into a hypochondriac. And she seemed less concerned about her niece, as about the failure of yet another recent driving test – her fourth. ‘I’m sure the tester’s got a down on pupils from my driving school. I’m going to Harrogate next time!’
But Nell’s qualms remained such that only a doctor’s opinion would do, even if it was to bring ridicule. ‘You have what is medically known as a daydreamer,’ she was informed to her great relief, after tests came up negative.
However, just as this fear was discarded, another arose, when Nina came home from school covered in bruises. ‘What on earth’s happened to you?’ Nell said, horrified, upon first seeing them, and presented the skinny thighs for Joe, who was equally concerned.
‘Bloomin’ hangment, you’re black and blue! Has somebody been bashing you, Neen?’
The little girl seemed so chirpy in denying this that there could be no doubt she was telling the truth. But this in itself was to provide greater worry for Nell, that there was some physiological cause for the bruising – perhaps anaemia.
But again this was to be assuaged by the physician, which was scant relief to Nell, for it meant her prime instinct had been right: Nina’s bruises were as a result of being bullied. With anger surging to her fingertips, on her way to spy on the playground, she imagined throttling her daughter’s assailants …
Yet all that transpired was a rough-and-tumble game with some boys, Nina obviously great friends with them and enjoying every minute. Much relieved to have discovered this harmless source of the bruising, and that her beloved child was happy, a smiling Nell went home, vowing to curb her own paranoia.
Happy or no, over the coming months, having also to deal with Joe’s hankering after a son, Nell felt that Nina must be taken in hand, for by the time another summer came round she had become a proper little tomboy, and was pestering for some jeans. Nell cautioned that Dad might not approve, but with Joe’s opinion that they were very serviceable, Nina was to receive her fashionable attire. Unfortunately her waist was so thin that the jeans had to be kept up with one of Nell’s white belts off a summer frock, and the latter did not know whether to laugh or cry at the pathetic sight, the surplus denim gathered into an uncomfortable bunch at the back.
Nina seemed not overjoyed either, observing that, ‘The zip’s in the wrong place.’
‘It’s meant to be on the side, you’re a girl!’ Nell giggled, this for some reason causing a look of hurt. Mindful of this, she sought to alert Joe over his own reaction when he came home that night.
Perhaps he had overcompensated, for in the morning Nina donned the jeans for school. With this set to be the hottest day of the year so far, Nell tried to persuade her otherwise, but, unable to deny the child anything, the wish was reluctantly granted. When Nina came home, of course she was cross and perspiring, though adamant she would keep the jeans on – until Nell’s clever purchase brought an about-turn.
Then the tomboy’s stubbornness collapsed, her jeans being quickly cast aside in favour of the pink dress with blue polka dots, in which she twirled, and flourished its three-tiered skirt. ‘It’s
like a Spanish lady’s!’
‘Yes! You only need the castanets.’ Nell grabbed two shells from the mantel, mementoes of their summer holiday, and tapped them in time to Nina’s attempts at flamenco.
And at her father’s homecoming, the delighted child was to twirl for him as she had done for Nell, but alas to a different reception. ‘Hang on, I think they’ve sent the wrong bairn home from school!’ he jokingly exclaimed. ‘Where’s that lad who was here yesterday? By, doesn’t she look bonny?’
Looking on, Nell smiled fondly over this pretence, until she noted a slight clouding of their daughter’s face. And she could not help the suspicion that her husband’s longing for a son had resonated with Nina. For it seemed too much of a coincidence that, within minutes, she had changed out of her dress in favour of jeans and shirt.
Unequipped to deal with such a sensitive issue, for any word to Joe would be seen as accusation, Nell could only encourage Nina by demonstrating her own love, and pray that when his longed-for son did arrive, Joe would not set such great store on the matter, as he was doing now.
Still, Nell was perhaps as bad in laying importance on this too. The fact that after fifteen months of marriage she remained barren continued to worry her, even when she was meant to be enjoying a second summer holiday at the coast. Waiting alongside Joe for Nina to return from her donkey ride, her eyes strayed to a group of young teddy boys, strutting like peacocks in their colourful shirts, brocade waistcoats and drape jackets, their legs encased in drainpipe trousers and terminating in thick crepe-soled shoes. They were hardly old enough to shave, bless them, their upper lips downy with bum-fluff, causing Nell to wonder wistfully over her son’s development – if he dressed in such outlandish fashion, and how it was that she could have produced him so easily, yet was unable to give Joe the one for whom he yearned.
An Unsuitable Mother Page 36