‘I’m not just on about the army, nor your blessed career!’ yelled Joe. ‘Can’t you see? Nobody, not one single person, has held me in their heart above all, prized me for what I am, told me, “You’re the best”! Not even Grette – truth be known I think she only saw me as a way of getting out of Germany – do you know how much that hurts, even from people who don’t really matter, but from the one you’re married to? For God’s sake, it’s not too much for a man to expect of his wife, is it?’
Disconcerted by his angst, Nell pondered long and hard, her heart going out to him.
‘Your silence speaks volumes!’ spat Joe in disgust.
She shook herself from the momentary stupor to object, ‘Of course you’re the best!’
‘Aye, the best you can hope for,’ responded Joe with bitterness, and lit a cigarette.
‘No!’ Nell spread her hands, her face brimming with compassion. ‘I’m just searching for the right words to let you know how I feel!’ But she wasn’t even sure herself.
‘Well, don’t bother to think too hard about it.’ Joe’s voice cut into her thoughts. ‘I’ll make the choice for you. I’ve had enough of playing second fiddle. I’m off to see about a divorce.’
Nell could not have been more shocked if he had hit her. When she found voice, all it could utter was, ‘But what will Nina –’
‘Nina, Nina, Nina!’ He employed the name like a weapon. ‘It was always bloody Nina, wasn’t it?’
And now she was stunned to realise that he had not been referring to Bill when he declared himself second best – but must have always been aware that she had based her decision to marry not out of love for him, but for his child. Still, she managed an accusing stutter, ‘But, Joe, she’s your daughter!’
‘You’re damned right she is! I’m glad you’ve finally acknowledged that, in between making decisions about her future. She’s my daughter, I say what happens to her, what’s best for her – not based on anything that might have happened to you twenty-odd years ago, nor whether or not you’re hankering after a grandchild, but on what’s best for her.’
‘But you are basing it on old grievances! Grievances of your own, that you’ve had since boyhood. Please don’t take it out on her because of the way you feel about me or anyone else. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but I just couldn’t.’
‘No, but I bet you told her, though, didn’t you?’ His narrowed eyes caught the wince of guilt. ‘I bloody knew it – before your own bloody husband! Who else?’
‘No one!’ To protect Beata, Nell wove truth into the lie. ‘Not one member of my family – please, you mustn’t mention it to Aunty Phyl!’
‘Too right I won’t! I’m already hanging on to what’s left of my reputation.’
‘But things are different these days, more relaxed – it needn’t be the same for Nina as it was for me – no woman should have to go through that!’
‘Enough! I’m sorry for what you went through, Nell, and I’m sorry if what I’ve said about it has upset you, about Bill and everything, I didn’t mean it and I’m sure he was a good bloke – but things haven’t changed that much – and people haven’t changed. So, she’ll be having it adopted – and you were right about something: just because yours was an awful experience doesn’t mean the same thing’ll happen to Nina. I’ll make sure she’s well treated, and that the b— blasted thing goes to a good home!’
Nell moaned, on the point of collapse, for it was obvious nothing she could say or do would change his mind.
Faced with the threat of divorce, tears of defeat rolled down Nell’s face when she was finally compelled to announce to Nina, ten days before Christmas: ‘I’m sorry, love, I really tried …’
But, perversely, the tearful response she had expected was never to come, just a silent look of resolve.
Not until some weeks later was she to find out why.
Having continued to lend her support with an extra visit just before Christmas, however futile that might be, Nell was banking on the fact that a letter would surely arrive any day now to say that Nina had given birth. On the strength of this she had postponed her latest Saturday afternoon visit, in the high hopes of receiving the information that there would be two people to visit instead of one. Thoroughly disappointed that nothing had come in the post, she resigned herself to spending the afternoon with the man who was responsible for this state of affairs.
It was an odd time: lovely in one way, at the thought of having a grandchild, yet distressing too, in knowing that it might be taken from her before she ever saw it, if Joe did not have last-minute qualms. The relationship between herself and Nina’s father had calmed down over the Christmas and New Year period, though only because she had stopped trying to whittle away at his resolve. Divorce might have been averted, but the joking and laughter that accompanied the festive get-togethers with relatives soon dispersed upon Nell and Joe coming home. It was not a happy state to be in.
‘I’m going to make a cup of tea, would you like one?’ This was the only kind of exchange they seemed to have these days. Receiving her husband’s nod, Nell rose, and before going to make the tea, bent to pick up one of the flimsy cards that had contorted from the heat of the coals and fallen into the hearth. ‘Thank heavens it’s Twelfth Night.’
‘I don’t know why you bothered leaving them up till now.’ Joe’s eyes remained on the television screen. ‘It’s not as if it’d bring us any more bad luck than we’ve already had.’
Ignoring this sarcasm, his wife began to collect the cards from the mantel, then an outside movement caught her eye. ‘Oh, who’s this coming down the pa—?’ She broke off upon seeing the caller’s identity.
Immediately suspicious, Joe tore himself away from the televised rugby match, and rose to see Nina, babe in arms. First, he spluttered, ‘The litt— what does she think she’s at, coming here carrying that, bold as brass?’
‘I don’t think bold’s the word,’ said Nell, for Nina had faltered the moment she saw him.
Joe’s face turned red then, and he took out his ire on Nell. ‘Oh, you’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel now, aren’t you? Cooking this up between you, thinking to play on my sympathy –’
‘I had no idea she’d even had it!’ cried Nell, still as astonished as he, before rushing off to the door.
‘Don’t open it!’ ordered Joe.
‘I’m not making them stand outside!’ Disobeying him, she hurried to summon their daughter in, briefly smiling a welcome, but at the same time displaying worry. ‘Love, I thought you were going to write? Come in, come in –’ Fearing Nina would think she was more concerned about the neighbours, she added, ‘You must be freezing in that mac – and you shouldn’t be exerting yourself so soon, come and sit down!’
‘I had her a fortnight ago, just after you left,’ a shivering Nina informed her as she came over the threshold.
‘A girl!’ Besides her astonishment, Nell clasped her hands in pleasure, and peered amongst the thick folds of blanket, from the midst of which poked a tiny nose.
‘Six pounds three ounces.’
‘What a lovely birthday present – did you get the card and money by the way?’ At the recipient’s nod of thanks, Nell breathed a happy sigh that was mixed with anguish on recalling her own son’s birth. ‘But a fortnight ago, and you never said a word!’
‘Sorry, I’ve been taken up with this one.’ Arms laden, Nina smiled adoringly at the face within the swaddle of lambs’ wool.
‘I can see why!’ Nell gazed delightedly for a moment. Then, remembering that Joe stood waiting, she became more serious and drew their visitor into the heat of the living room.
‘She’s had a little girl, Joe,’ his wife informed him softly.
‘I heard.’ Even now, he remained unmoved. Though the television was off, his eyes remained on the blank screen as he smoked a cigarette. ‘So how come they let you out then?’
‘You’re talking as if it were prison!’ Nina glanced at Nell, who had touched her arm, a
mixture of sympathy and warning. ‘As it happens, I did have a job persuading them to let us leave. Lucky somebody there told me my rights.’
‘Good for you – so why have you bothered coming here?’
Nina stepped forward, emotion glistening in the eyes that beseeched him. ‘Just look at her, Dad. You can’t want to abandon her, surely?’
‘Save it! I’ve just been telling your mother, your tricks won’t wash.’
‘Mam had nowt to do with me coming here.’ Eyes still fixed to his, Nina rocked her cumbersome bundle, within which the baby had begun to stir. ‘I made the decision alone. Just as I’ve made the decision that I am going to keep her. If you won’t let us live here, there’s others who’ll help us.’
‘If you dare try and inflict yourself on our Beat—’
‘She’s been good enough to say she’d have us.’
Again, automatically, Joe vented his odium on Nell. ‘I told you not to tell anybody!’
‘I had to have someone to talk to, Joe!’
‘I don’t see you rushing to tell your Aunty bloody Phyllis – why show me up with my relatives?’
‘Because there’s nobody as good as Beata.’ Nell splayed her hands, denying that there had been any collaboration. ‘I knew she’d want to help …’
‘See, some people believe in helping family, Dad.’ Nina remained quietly defiant as she held his gaze. ‘Anyway, don’t get into a frenzy about it, I’m not going to embarrass her any further, nor you. I just came to let you see what you’d be missing.’ Then, all at once, she could no longer withhold a sniff, and groped at her pocket for a handkerchief.
‘Oh, love …’ Nell reached out.
‘I’m not crying! It’s the bloody fire that’s making me nose run.’ This half true, Nina held the baby with one arm, dragged a hankie from her mac pocket and nipped her nose with it, blinking away moisture before glaring at her father, so that he could see he had failed to cow her. ‘Go on, have a good look at her, Dad,’ she said, as she put the hankie away and once more presented her daughter. ‘If you won’t let us live here, then we’ll find somebody who will have us – but I won’t be giving up anything, you will.’
Nell’s breast throbbed with admiration for the way one so young was making a stance – envy too. If only she had possessed such courage to go against those in authority. She watched Joe’s eyes flicker with indecision.
Yet still came blustery resistance. ‘And if I were to let you back, how do you think you’d pay your way without a job? You’d expect me to cough up, as usual!’ He spun on Nell. ‘See, if you’d made her do her exams she would’ve got a good job and could have got a house of her own, and paid somebody to look after it – in fact, if you’d made her do her exams none of this would have happened, because she’d have been too bloody busy to mess with lads!’
Nell had hardly dared breathe for fear of ruining the progress her daughter had made – for Joe seemed to blame her for this much more than Nina – but, in as respectful a tone as possible, she proposed, ‘I could look after her to allow Nina to work –’
‘So you have to give up your nursing to look after her daughter!’
‘Our granddaughter!’ Nell tried to imbue with her eyes just how wonderful this would be if he’d let it. ‘How could nursing compare to that? I’ve no real need to work, have I?’ Even though she had grown used to having her own money, it would not mean financial hardship, for there was still her inheritance sitting in the bank. ‘We managed all right when Nina was growing up –’
‘She’s still growing up – and she’s got a great deal more growing up to do, if she expects other people to look after the child she created!’
‘Joe, you can’t have it all ways! You say you expect her to pay for her keep; how can she do that if she doesn’t work? You wouldn’t want her applying for benefits.’
‘I would not!’
‘Then let me look after her – it would be a joy.’
‘Oh, I’ll bet it would! I wouldn’t be surprised if you hadn’t engineered that as well during those visits you’ve been paying her! All this is really about you, isn’t it? Because you can’t wait to get your hands on a bairn to replace the one you had taken away.’
Nell stared at him for a second, then, with an expression of defeat, left the room.
‘You cruel bugger,’ came the muttered accusation from Nina.
‘And you can sodding-well shut up!’ Joe yelled at her, before barging out himself.
Having calmed the baby and rocked her off to sleep, Nina laid her on the sofa, then took off her mac and went to put the kettle on. She gave her mother fifteen minutes or so, then went to tap on the bedroom door. ‘I’ve made a pot of tea, Mam. Do you want to come down or shall I fetch it up here?’
There came the sound of rustling, then the door slowly opened and Nell’s tear-stained face appeared.
Nina’s own expression collapsed upon seeing it. ‘I’m really sorry for causing all this.’
But her mother simply shook her head. Then, after giving a final rattle into her handkerchief, she put it away, brushed her hair, then indicated for them both to go down. Preceding her, Nina went to pour out two cups of tea, handing one over.
‘I should be the one looking after you,’ sniffed Nell, reaching for her cigarettes and offering the packet.
Nina shook her head. ‘Don’t tempt me, I’ve given up, can’t afford them now – doesn’t mean you can’t have one, though.’ Her mother had put them aside.
‘No, we must have solidarity,’ murmured Nell. ‘I’ll give up too.’ Then she asked, ‘Where is he?’
‘In his shed, I think,’ replied her daughter, taking a sip of tea. ‘Should I take one out to him?’
Nell moved her head in negation, then went to gaze at the babe on the sofa, whose eyes were closed, though her lips emitted little squeaks and grunts. ‘May I hold her?’
‘You don’t have to ask, you’re her granny.’ Nina formed a smile as her baby was picked up and cradled in Nell’s arms. Then she glanced at the clock. ‘But she’ll want feeding in a minute …’
Nell looked at the clothes Nina wore, the bulging belly in the too-tight skirt, and the blue crimplene cardigan that had never been so well-filled before. ‘Are you feeding her yourself?’ At the ensuing nod, she suggested, ‘Well then, get your cup of tea in first. I’ll try and keep her quiet for as long as I can.’ And oh, how wonderful it felt to rock this tiny creature.
But the new mother had not taken three sips before her baby started to bawl.
‘Me dad’s going to love that.’ Nina looked agitated.
‘Better take her upstairs then.’ Reluctant to part, Nell gave a last fond smile at the crumpled face, then transferred the bundle into her mother’s arms.
‘He’s going to love that an’ all,’ murmured Nina. ‘He’ll think we’re conspiring to let her stay here.’
‘She will, if I have my way,’ promised Nell, with a newfound mettle. Then, left secluded, she sat thoughtfully to drink her tea.
After only a while, Joe came in to lean on the jamb. ‘Where is she then?’
‘Upstairs – and before you ask, it’s only so she can feed the baby in private, seeing as the sight of her is so loathsome to you.’
Joe closed his eyes, mumbling weary apology. ‘I’m sorry for saying them cruel things to you. I suppose some might say I’m jealous …’
‘Because I have a son I’m never going to see?’ Nell sounded bitter.
‘Partly. But also because of the way you regard his father. Your first love, that never had time to go rotten, because you never had chance to discover his faults – who knows, he might have driven you mad with the way he filled the house with his farts, or kept leaving the seat up like you moan about me doing – but no, there our Billy’ll stand for eternity on his pedestal, whilst you’re left in the real world having to make do with this inferior model.’
‘What are you talking about?’ demanded Nell with a twisted face. ‘You’re the one who won a b
linking medal!’
‘Only by default! Because I couldn’t stand the incessant bloody noise of the gunners and went to shut them up – and for that they gave me a bloody gong! What’s a scrap of metal on a ribbon, compared with a golden youth who sacrificed his life to save another?’ Joe shook his head in a gesture of utter helplessness. ‘I’ve tried to get over it, but I can’t see the point in us going on when you’ll never let me forget that Bill gave his life for his country and I didn’t!’
Nell was defiant. ‘I have never ever thrown that at you!’
‘You didn’t have to.’ Joe was quieter now, and sadder. ‘I always knew what I was in for, from the way you told me you could never love anyone else like him.’
‘But you felt the same way about Grette!’ she reasoned, with slight exasperation.
He swiped his hand to dismiss this. ‘I only said that so’s you’d feel better, because that’s what you expected me to say. I feel as much for you as I ever felt for her.’
Nell gaped at him in shock – she, who prided herself on her intuition, how could she have been so blind to his genuine love? ‘Joe … I’d no idea, you should have said …’
‘Well, I’m saying now. Anyway, it would have made no difference, and I’m not the sort to go spouting romantic tripe. But if you knew how you’ve hurt me …’ He allowed her to witness those tears of suppressed fury before he turned away.
Nell sped to him then, and tried to convey with a grip of his arm, ‘I’m sorry, I wouldn’t hurt you for the world. You mean as much to me as Nina does, I swear it, Joe.’ She tried to instil this by an even firmer grip and an earnest expression in her eyes – and suddenly she found that it was not just to make him feel better, but because she meant every word. Somewhere, over the years, she had come to love this man in his own right. There was deep emotion in her voice as she entreated her husband, ‘I couldn’t bear to lose you. Please don’t leave me.’
Joe turned to look at her, to check that this was genuine, and probed deep into her eyes before making his gruff reply. ‘You silly bugger, where would I go? It’s all been a bit of a bluff, hasn’t it?’ Then he heaved a huge sigh, pushed back his hair, and made a gesture of surrender. ‘All right, they can both stay – I don’t like it, and I could still throttle the little sod for doing this to us, but she can keep the baby.’
An Unsuitable Mother Page 44