by J. F. Smith
I’ve fucked it up, and I’ve lost him.
Travis screamed in the water he was swimming so hard. Six strokes, check for Matt.
I waited to tell him, and I might as well go down with him if I’m too late.
Six strokes, check for Matt. Six strokes, check for Matty.
I let him down in every way.
After a tortuous eternity, Travis got to within a few yards of where he knew Matt last was. He instantly dove under to find him. He spotted him, another ten yards away, underwater and not moving. He screamed “Matt” underwater, even though he knew it was a pointless thing to do.
Travis reached Matt, swam up behind him, put his arms around his chest, and pushed his way up through the water harder than he ever had in his life. He broke the surface, and Petey was there, waiting to help.
Drowning victims will reflexively fight and claw to get their head above water to get air. Often, they can wind up drowning the very person there to help them because they can’t control the desperate response of the body to get oxygen.
Travis prayed for Matt to fight. He could handle it, and a fighting Matt meant he was still conscious.
But Matt didn’t move in Travis’ arms. Petey and Travis both treaded water, keeping Matt’s head up. Jonas had turned the boat around and brought it up alongside them as fast as he could, throwing the engines into reverse just long enough to stop the boat on a dime before cutting them off entirely.
Petey and Travis hauled Matt’s body through the water to the side of the boat near the ladder. Together, they went under and pushed Matt up by his ass, lifting him out of the water as high as possible. Fincher and Wasp leaned over the side of the boat far enough to grab Matt’s unconscious body by the arms and haul him into the boat. They laid him down next to the fighting chair.
Travis flew up the ladder of the boat like a man possessed. He threw himself onto Matt's prone body, screamed at the guys, “Get back!! Give him room!!” and started an emergency response. They had all been trained extensively in this, but Travis would be damned to hell before he let anyone else near Matt right now. Even as he checked Matt’s pulse, the thought that he might be damned to hell anyway tore violently through his mind.
Matt’s pulse was extremely weak and he wasn’t breathing. Travis opened his mouth and started rescue breathing, forcing air into his lungs. He switched to chest compressions to keep Matt’s heart beating. The tears in Travis’ eyes mixed with the saltwater of the Atlantic Ocean and fell onto the limp body under him. He had to be Matt’s heartbeat, his breath. But he could do that.
Everything else faded away, and Matt’s quiet, still body was all he saw, needing Travis to be his heartbeat for him. Needing Travis to be his breath. Needing Travis.
Travis sobbed as he pushed on Matt’s chest. He cried, “Don’t you leave me, Matty.”
He put his mouth to Matt’s and breathed for him a few more times. His promise to Matt had been "last bullet, last breath." He had meant it. God, how he meant it. He'd gladly give his last breath right now to bring Matt back. He'd gladly sacrifice his life to do something… anything… everything… to save the person limp and lifeless under him right now. All he wanted was a goddamn chance. The agony spread through him like a wildfire, consuming him.
I’ll be a better boyfriend. I swear to God, I promise.
His eyes stung with the tears, his face contorted with the pain. “You’re all I got, Matt! Please, Matt. You’re everything to me!”
He breathed for Matt again, and then pressed on his heart.
“I love you, Matt. I should have told you. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I love you more than anything, Matty.”
Travis put his mouth to Matt’s again and breathed one more time. Travis felt saltwater push out of Matt’s mouth and into his own. He sat up a little and ocean water heaved out of Matt’s mouth.
Matt’s eyes finally opened. Travis started crying and sobbing. Those beautiful eyes opened for him.
He lifted Matt up into a sitting position and held him. His green eyes were open, but still flat and lifeless looking. Matt’s chest spasmed hard, still frantically trying to get air. Matt violently twisted over onto his hands and knees, finally able to vomit up all of the salt water in him. Finally able to let it drain out of his lungs. He pulled a long rattling breath into his chest.
Travis kept crying, and rubbed Matt’s back. Anything to make this better.
Matt coughed and spit out as much as he could, panting violently to get air in his lungs again. And when he turned to sit back down and look Travis in the face, his face was pale, but Travis could see the life back in those beetle green eyes.
Travis put his hand on Matt’s neck, tears still streaming down his face, and said, “I love you, Matt! God, you have no idea how much I love you! I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!”
He leaned forward and kissed Matt on the forehead. Travis thanked God for giving him Matt back, for giving him the chance to tell Matt how he felt. Travis sat down facing towards Matt and wrapped his arms around him, pulling him close, rocking him gently with his hand on the back of Matt’s head, like a protective mother rocking her child to sleep. He whispered in Matt’s ear, over and over, “I love you, Matt. I love you.”
He stroked Matt’s head gently, and looked him in the face. He asked Matt, “Are you ok?”
Matt nodded to him, weakly, but his breathing was slowing down now. He was going to be ok.
Matt coughed again a few times. He nodded his head again and rasped through sandpapered vocal cords, “I’m ok.”
Travis’ eyes were damp and red at the thought of what he had almost lost, almost let slip away from him, and his throat felt raw and rough. Together, Travis and Matt looked up at fifteen pairs of eyes gathered around, watching them in deafening silence, save for the sound of seawater slapping against the side of the boat.
Chapter 36 – Two Halves Collide
Matt wanted to try and walk into the salon, but Travis insisted on carrying him all the way into the stateroom. He put Matt down on the floor, leaning against the foot of the bed. Travis pulled out his rucksack and got the change of clothes he had brought for himself and insisted that Matt change out of his own wet, vomit covered clothes. Travis’ shirt and shorts were a little bit big on him, but at least they were clean and dry. Travis pulled his own wet shirt off and threw it on the floor, dried himself off with a towel some, and left it at that.
That accomplished, Travis didn’t know what to do next. So many things had gone wrong so quickly here, and he didn’t know where to even begin. It was one of the few times in his adult life where he felt completely powerless.
Travis could tell Matt was a little shell-shocked still, and glassy-eyed, but not paralyzed by the trauma, either. He asked Matt, “You doing ok? How’s your breathing?”
Matt coughed some again, but nodded. “I’m ok. Just a little scared, I guess. You ok, Trav?”
No, I’m a fucking basket case right now.
Travis sighed, “I’ve been better, but I’m ok.”
With his immediate concern about Matt settled a little, his imagination started kicking in on how everyone outside was reacting to what they had seen. Every single guy in the platoon now knew about him. The job he loved was going to be stripped from him. His career in the Navy was chum in a bucket now. Might as well throw it overboard since the sharks were circling around, ready for a frenzy.
Some noises came into the room from outside. It quickly escalated into a heated exchange of unintelligible yelling and scuffling. Travis mostly ignored it. He was entirely focused on taking care of Matt right then, and his own fears about his career.
Matt started to try and get up, clearly worried about what was erupting outside on the deck of the boat. Travis grabbed his arm, probably a little more roughly than he intended, and growled at Matt, not angry, but balanced between worry and begging. He said, “You’re not going anywhere! Don’t you even think of leaving my sight! I’m never letting you more than four feet away from me ever ag
ain.”
Matt looked at him weakly and sat back down on the floor. The angry shouting and scuffling up top got worse, even rocking the boat from side to side.
Matt looked utterly defeated and couldn’t seem to look Travis in the face. He said, “I’m sorry, Travis. I shouldn’t have come today. I’ve kind of ruined things for you, I think.” He coughed a few more times, still trying to get the last of the seawater out of his lungs.
Travis’ anger boiled up, all right, but not at Matt. There was no chance in the world of that. He had put Matt’s life in danger, again, and now was staring down a dishonorable discharge, too. He had no one to blame but himself, and that’s exactly where he directed his fury. Travis paced back and forth a moment, and then couldn’t contain it. He turned and punched a hole in the bulkhead of the stateroom, straight through to the fiberglass hull of the boat.
Matt said again, “I’m sorry, Travis.”
Travis came over and flopped down next to Matt, pressing up against him. He turned and held Matt’s chin in his hand and kissed him as gently as he could on the lips. “I’m sorry, Matty. I’m the one that let you down. One of us fucked up way bad, and it definitely wasn’t you. I love you, Matt. Please forgive me.”
Matt nestled in more closely against Travis’ bare side. “You saved my life again. Another one to throw on the pile,” he said through a pale smile.
Travis felt his anger defuse a little and allowed a tiny chuff of laughter escape, making Matt laugh, too. Matt said, “It’s getting to be a pretty big pile.”
“To be fair,” said Travis, “Petey was right there, too, swimming right next to me and pulling you up out of the water.”
Travis felt his heart sink a little more. He put his arm around Matt and kissed the top of his head. “You’re all I’ve got now. My Navy career has crashed and burned in a pretty spectacular way, but at least I’ve got you.”
“Trav, give the guys a chance,” begged Matt. “I don’t think it’s going to make a difference to them. I think they’re better than that.”
Things outside the stateroom had gotten quiet again. Travis wished that what Matt had said was true. Maybe there was a small chance it might be. But there was a big difference between Matt being open versus himself being openly gay around the team. Matt wasn't actually on the team; he was kind of like the team mascot. He had never hidden what he was around them, and they accepted him as he was from the beginning. The guys liked him plenty, even respected him for how he had handled himself in Latakia. They definitely liked how he had helped make the platoon look good on what wound up being a high profile mission.
But Travis was an integral part of the team. He was the senior enlisted member, the leading petty officer for the platoon. How many times had they come to him for advice on everything? Sex, money, girlfriends, drinking problems, stress, fear, all of it. They were going to see him differently now. Like they didn't know who he was any more. He'd become a stranger in their midst. God, that was gonna hurt like hell. To see that look in their faces. And sure enough, the respect he had earned over time would crumble away. They'd grumble about orders. They'd question his judgment. They'd question his fitness to lead.
And at some point, it'd go beyond just the platoon. It was fifteen guys, for Chrissake! No way that was gonna stay contained. And then he'd be out. Proud recipient of a great big dishonorable discharge he could frame and put on his wall to look at every day. If this had all happened just one fucking year from now, he might have legal grounds to stay. Everyone knew Don’t-Ask-Don’t-Tell was gonna drop pretty soon. Exactly when was just a detail. But shit, even legal grounds didn't matter. If he couldn't command the respect of his team and maintain leadership, he'd be pushed aside for someone that could. And they’d be right to do that. Lives depended on it.
Travis’ breathing got labored the more he thought about it.
How had he wound up here? Stuck in a no-win situation? He had put off saying the words to Matt, telling him he loved him, for whatever bullshit reason he had invented in his mind. Maybe too much damage had already been done with Matt. Maybe Matt wouldn’t forgive him in the end. Maybe Matt had already drifted too far from him in the time he hadn’t said it. And now it had all spilled out at the worst possible time. Either his career or what he had with Matt was gonna be wrecked, if not both. Gay Travis and SEAL Travis had lived separately in a peaceful, carefully maintained separation ever since he had joined the military. But now, today, the two sides of his carefully delineated life had suddenly smashed together and exploded like uncontrolled fireworks.
Fuckin’ goddammit motherfucker!
Travis’ breathing reached a fever pitch. He stood up again and punched another hole in the bulkhead, right next to the first one. His knuckles were starting to bleed now, but he didn’t even notice.
He looked back over at Matt, now drawn up into a ball, with his arms around his knees. He didn’t like seeing Matt like this. It was how he had laid eyes on Matt for the very first time, and he didn’t like being reminded of what Matt went through, of what those filthy motherfuckers had done to him. Those green eyes of his were watering again and he looked scared. The poor guy had almost just drowned and here Travis was thinking selfishly about his shitty career path.
Damn it! Can’t you do anything right, asshole? What are your priorities here?
He turned and smashed his bloody fist into the wall a third time, getting it out of his system once and for all.
Travis sat back down again next to Matt. Needing to feel Matt against him. But Matt actually drew away just the tiniest amount.
I deserve that. I deserve for him to pull away from me.
Travis turned to Matt and started trying to fix at least one half of his life. “I love you so much, Matt,” he said, his deep voice cracking and his eyes stinging. “I have since the moment you told me to look up at the stars in the night sky outside of Latakia. I just couldn’t say it. I was afraid of what it would do to you if you lost me one day. When I got on the helo the next day, leaving you behind on the Iwo was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I talk about courage, but I’m chickenshit about you. About us. And here I am scaring you to death when you’ve already been through hell. I love you, Matt. This whole fucking ocean can’t hold what I feel for you, but I was just too chickenshit to say it. Forgive me, Matt. Please?”
Matt asked him, timidly, “You’re not mad at me? You don’t blame me for what happened today?”
Travis closed his eyes hard and had to stem the anger at himself for what he had allowed Matt to feel.
“I’m pissed as hell, Matt, at myself. Not you. Never you. I’m supposed to be watching over you and protecting you and almost totally blew it today. And worse, despite feeling it every day we’ve been together, I hadn’t said the words. You deserve better than that, Matt, and I’m sorry. I love you. I’ll never be able to say it enough. But I love you, Matt.”
“You really love me, Trav?” asked Matt.
Travis leaned over and gently pulled Matt’s face towards him. He touched his lips to Matt’s, for a brief moment, almost unable to do it at the thought of what he had almost lost. But when they did kiss, it was one of relief. A gentle confirmation that what they had was still there, despite it almost all being lost at sea.
“I love you more than you can possibly imagine, Matt. Forgive me for not saying it.”
Matt looked at Travis, the pain in those green eyes. Travis knew it wasn’t pain for what Matt had been through, it was pain for what he was going through. Matt hurt for others more than he did for himself.
Matt blinked and sniffled. “I love you, too, Trav.” He pushed back up against Travis’ arm. Travis leaned over and kissed Matt lightly again, glad to be able to start breathing again. Glad to have his breath back. Glad that his heart could start beating again.
They sat quietly for a few minutes, next to each other, not quite knowing what to do next. Travis wasn’t sure what his next step should be, and Matt, bless him, was just waiting to follow
his lead.
But the next step came to them. Travis and Matt heard a light knock on the stateroom door. Travis stiffened, immediately knowing it was now time for the other shoe to drop. Once that door opened, it would be the beginning of the end for him in the Navy.
It turned out it was Baya that stuck his head in the door.
“You guys ok?”
Travis looked at the floor in front of him and didn’t answer. He didn’t have the willpower to look Baya in the eye.
Matt nodded, though, and Baya came on into the room, a little nervous about interrupting them.
“Here, Matt. I brought you a bottled water. I thought you might like it, you know, to get the taste out of your mouth some.” He handed the bottle to Matt, who twisted the top off and took a swallow.
Baya said, “I, uh, rinsed it off for you.” He glanced back towards the main salon. “Someone took a leak in the ice chest. Fucking animals!” he said with a laugh, trying to break the tension.
Matt swallowed some more of the water, and Travis stole a quick glance at Baya, trying to get a read on him.
“You sure you’re ok, Matt?” asked Baya again.
“Yeah, I’m ok. Thanks for the water.”
“Everybody feels really bad about what happened, you know. Especially Rickey and Fincher. They didn’t know, Matt. They had no idea you couldn’t swim. We get a little carried away and assume everyone’s as comfortable in the water as we are.”
Matt nodded again. “It’s ok. I know they didn’t mean it.”
Baya scratched at his wavy hair, glancing back again towards the stern. “Petey went nuts. Completely insane. I think he was going to kill them, and you know he probably could have. They all went over the side and Petey kept wailing on them even out in the water. It took Wasp, Marshall, and Ambush to pull him off of them. We finally got Petey calmed down, but now he won’t talk to anyone. He’s sitting up front in the pulpit.”
Baya looked over at Travis, who had to look away again when he did. They all ignored the pink elephant in the room until Baya spoke up.