by J. F. Smith
The vise grip on Travis’ insides started to let up. He couldn’t help but laugh at how badly they seemed to have gotten their lines crossed. “I don’t want to leave. I mean, I am with Matt, but he and I are working that out. I love being a SEAL. And… I love Matt. I don’t want to give either up.” There - he had said it out loud, intentionally, to one of the team. He felt himself blush slightly when he said it, but it was getting easier. He added, “I thought it had freaked you out. And I’d rather get out than ruin the bonds on the team.”
“Why would you being gay freak me out?” said Wasp. “Matt doesn’t freak me out. I like Matt. Hell, he helped me come to grips with the Marine probably more than even you. But Mope, I don’t know… you’ve done so much for me. You’ve been my mentor about everything.”
He took a deep breath. “I would’ve failed out of this program a long time ago if it weren’t for you, Mope.”
Travis felt the need to lay this out on the line before they made any more stupid assumptions. “I’m not going anywhere as long as the team is ok with me staying. And I want you to stay, too. You’re a part of Team 8, Keith. You’ve hit a rough spot, but in the end, you’re gonna be much better for it.”
The haze gray frown on Wasp’s face gave way, and he started to smile. “I’m glad we had this fucking talk!”
Travis said, “Shit! Crisis averted, I guess.”
Wasp nodded and said, Travis joining him as he said it, “God damn and God bless for small favors!”
When Matt finally saw that their conversation was done and they were both smiling, he came back over, handed a fresh beer to Wasp and one to Travis, and sat back down next to his man.
“Wasp? Trav? You guys ok?”
Wasp grinned, “Yeah, barely!”
Travis held out his beer bottle and Wasp clinked his against it, drinking to his mentor.
Wasp started to ask questions. He wanted to know when Travis and Matt had started seeing each other. He wanted to know how long Travis known he was gay. Now with the misunderstanding out of the way, he was curious about all of it. And when Matt reached over to hold Travis’ hand, Wasp didn’t bat an eye at it.
The three of them talked for a few more minutes before, out of the corner of his eye, Travis noticed that Petey downing the rest of his beer and standing up. Petey must have noticed that Travis and Wasp had figured out their way through this and it was his turn to make or break. Out of fifteen guys, it was going to be Petey that was going to make or break his chance to stay on the team.
Petey walked over and stood in front of Travis and Matt. He crossed his arms over his chest and looked pissed. The look on Petey’s face said it all. Make or break, and all Travis could see was break.
Before Petey had a chance to jump all over him, Travis sighed and said, “Petey, why do you hafta be the one with a problem? Huh? Out of all the guys…” Travis’ voice was almost pleading. Why did it have to come down to him?
Petey looked at him. “What?”
“Wigging out about me being gay.”
Petey looked at Travis with that patented sneer of contempt on his face. “Jesus Christ, Mope. I don’t give a good goddamn about you being a fudge-packer. Hell, all y’all on this team seem like a bunch of queers except me.”
Wasp sat up a little bit and said, “Fuck it, Petey! We’re all right here, you know?”
“You stay outta this, half-pint. Jesus, Mope! It’s not always about you!” Petey shifted his pissed-off gaze a little bit and looked squarely at Matt.
“You! I got a bone to pick with you, asshole.”
~~~~~
Petey stomped off into the night, down the beach a ways to get away from the rest of the team. Matt looked back at Travis and Wasp behind him as he followed Petey. Both were watching him pretty closely, wondering what Matt could have done to get Petey like this. As he glanced back, he realized that it wasn’t just Travis and Wasp watching. The whole platoon had pretty much stopped to see what was going to happen.
He caught up to Petey, dimly illuminated in the distant firelight. He could barely make it out, but Petey looked like he could bite a grenade launcher in two he was so angry. He was looking at his bare feet and his lips were pulled tight and down into a hot grimace that could have boiled the large pot of shrimp that they had had earlier.
Matt started, “Petey, what the hell did I…”
“You held out on me, asshole!”
“About Travis?”
Petey interrupted him again, “You fucking promised me! This is important!” He repeated, “This is important to me.”
Petey wiped his hand across his forehead and glanced around him.
Matt stood there, unable to follow what Petey was getting at.
“Do you love him?” Petey’s voice was still angry and accusatory.
“Travis?”
Petey hit Matt in the shoulder, and his voice hitched up a notch. “DO YOU FUCKING LOVE HIM? Or is this just some rebound thing after that worthless piece of shit Ryan or Brian or whatever his name was? I gotta know, Matt! This is fucking important!”
Matt rubbed his shoulder. Petey had actually hurt him a little when he hit him. “What the hell is this about, Petey?”
“Answer the goddamn question, Matt!”
Matt replied angrily, “Yes! Fuck you, Petey! Yes, I love him! No, it’s not some stupid rebound thing.”
Petey’s large hand shot out and grabbed Matt by the throat, not strangling him, but holding him in place where he couldn’t move. Despite how pissed Matt was at Petey, he was taken by surprise at how effortlessly Petey could immobilize him with just one hand.
“I mean really fucking love him, Matt? Huh? Love him enough to take a fist in the face for him?” Petey pulled his free arm back, like he was actually considering punching Matt in the face.
Matt was unable to move. But he didn’t want to. What the fucking hell was wrong with Petey? If Petey wanted to punch him in the face over Travis, then fine. Fucking do it. He had already drowned today. He might as well get his nose smashed in, too.
Matt spat at him, “YES!”
Petey’s fist flew out at a speed that Matt wouldn’t have thought possible, but Matt didn’t flinch. And to Matt’s complete surprise, his face didn’t get smashed in; Petey’s fist sailed right past his left ear. Petey had intentionally pulled the punch.
Matt said, “Petey, what the hell is going on here? Are you ok?” Petey’s hand was still at Matt’s neck, but it was only resting there now. Matt was getting worried about Petey, trying to understand what all this meant.
Petey’s mouth was still contorted into a frown, but it was totally different than before. Matt could see it in his eyes. Petey looked dangerously close to crying.
“I gotta make sure, Matt. I gotta make sure you’re taken care of! This has gotta be real.”
Petey was shaking with the massive effort he was putting into keeping it all in check. And damned if, even in the feeble light, Matt didn’t see a tear finally break free and trail down Petey’s face. Matt would have far rather been punched in the face than see Petey like this.
“I need you here, Matt. What happened today can’t happen! I need to make sure you’re gonna be here.” Petey’s voice was breaking up and the tears were starting to drop regularly now.
Matt started crying, too. He begged, his own anger now replaced by a desperate need to know what Petey was trying to say, “I don’t understand, Petey. What are you talking about? What’s going on with you?”
Petey couldn’t talk for a moment. He looked out at the ocean, and finally back at Matt. “You’re my brother, asshole. You gotta talk to me! Because… one… one of these days…”
Petey’s voice dropped off and he put his hands on his hips and tried to get control again, and didn’t do very well.
He sobbed even worse than before and croaked, “One of these days my luck’s gonna run out, Matt! It’s gonna run out and I’m gonna come home in a fucking zip-lock bag. I need you here! Somebody’s gotta talk to my paren
ts when that happens. You’re gonna have to go do it, Matt. Please. You need to tell them that I wasn’t just some cold-hearted, selfish, violent son-of-a-bitch. That’s what everyone sees. I don’t want to be… that… You’re my way out, Matt. But I gotta know you’re taken care of! You gotta talk to me.”
Matt couldn’t hear this anymore. Anybody else… fine. But not Petey. He had started hitting him in the chest even as Petey was trying to explain. “Shut up, Petey! Don’t you fucking talk like this to me! I can’t stand here and listen to this! No way you’re coming home… like that! You’re gonna be around to aggravate the hell out of your grandkids, you fucking asshole!”
Petey shook Matt. “PROMISE ME! Promise me, Matt! Don’t hold out on me, and don’t let something like today happen again.”
Matt grabbed Petey and held him tight, and Petey hugged him back.
Petey said again, begging, “Promise me that if anything happens, you’ll be here and you’ll go see my parents, Matt.”
Matt nodded, his head against Petey’s chest, his tears soaking into Petey’s shirt. Petey had hugged Matt before, but this was different. He was clinging to him this time. Petey was clinging desperately to Matt. It was almost impossible for Matt to push the words out of himself. He could barely croak, “Yeah, Petey. I promise. I promise.”
Petey sniffled, finally satisfied that Matt got it and was taking him seriously.
Matt stood back and wiped the sleeve of Travis’ t-shirt across his own eyes, drying them. He understood now. He understood.
Matt suddenly punched Petey in the chest as hard as he could. Petey just looked at him blankly, unfazed by Matt’s fist.
Matt glared at him. “And I swear to God! If anything happens to you, I’m gonna kick you so hard in the ass you’ll start spitting out shoelaces. So you just think about that, you bastard!”
Petey sniffed one more time, then grabbed Matt, and hugged him again, rocking back and forth with him. He kissed his brother on the forehead, for a long time, finally satisfied that if something happened to him, some good part of him would still be around.
They took a few steps back towards the team, but Petey stopped Matt and studied him one more time. Matt thought he looked almost unsure.
“Mope… You really love him?” he asked calmly.
Matt nodded and said, “Yeah, I really do.”
“And he loves you? Really loves you?”
Matt nodded again, the nagging doubts he had had about Travis fully chased off. “Yeah.”
Petey was quiet for a second. He put his hand on Matt’s shoulder and said, “Good. Alright. Travis is a good guy. I trust him and he’ll take care of you.”
Petey kept his hand on Matt’s shoulder a moment more and looked out into the dark at the sound of the water. He said softly, “Today scared the shit out of me.” Somehow, Matt knew he was probably the only person in the world Petey would say words like that to.
Matt stepped up to Petey and hugged him again, and Petey put his arms around Matt and hugged back.
They started to walk back towards the firelight and the rest of the team, their differences aired and settled.
As they got near the team again, Petey got a little of the fire back in him and he said, “And you’re a disgrace to the Tuttle family, you know? I gotta teach you how to throw a punch and you’re gonna learn how to fucking swim. I’m not jumping in to save your sorry ass every time you can’t figure out how to lift your fat head up out of the bathtub.”
Matt said, “Fine.”
Petey nodded once and said, “Good.”
Matt growled, “Whatever.”
“Yeah.”
“Done.”
“Fuck you.”
And everything was good between them again.
~~~~~
Travis watched, his nerves completely frayed and shot. He once again cursed himself for letting Matt out of arm’s reach. When he saw Petey rear back to punch Matt, he just about lost his head. He had jumped up and started running, knowing there was no way in the world he’d be able to stop Petey from crushing Matt’s face in if he wanted to. But before he even got a few yards towards them, he realized Petey had already thrown the punch, and that Matt was fine.
He stopped, his heart beating a million times a second, and he unconsciously dropped into his preferred crouching position in case he needed to move quickly again. But otherwise, he left the two of them to work it out the rest of the way. He watched the interchange between them, wondering what the hell they could be flaring up like this over. But when he saw Petey grab Matt and kiss him on his forehead, he knew all was fine between them. More than alright. Travis had seen Petey give Matt a kiss before like this, but that was usually Petey’s secret weapon to get his dick in some girl’s pants. Tonight, this one was just for Matt, and it was one of the truest, purest things he had ever seen Petey do.
Matt got back to where they were and sat back down next to Travis. Travis grabbed his hand and held it in an iron grip, like Matt was a bad child that got into all kinds of trouble the instant he let go of his hand. He wasn’t going through any more tonight, the stuff that seemed to happen when Matt was more than an arm’s length away from him.
The rest of the team was still all transfixed by what was happening between Petey and Matt. Petey stopped by his bag to grab a bottle out. He glared at all the eyes that had been watching him and Matt, and said angrily, “The fuck are y’all looking at? Family discussion and you shitheads can mind your own fucking business.”
Petey plopped down in the sand next to Matt, his orange hair practically glowing in the red light of the fire, and really joined the group for the first time that night. He eyed Matt and Travis sideways and said, “Fucking fags,” then handed them the bottle of Southern Comfort so they could all start drinking.
Matt laughed, which made it ok for Travis to smile, too. Even Wasp had to shake his head and laugh a little.
Petey said, “If either of you hurt the other, you’re gonna have me to answer to for it. Just so you know. You’ve been warned.”
“Fair enough,” said Travis, swallowing from the bottle.
Petey looked across Matt at Travis and said, “You given Matt a Dirty Sanchez yet?”
Matt shoved Petey up against the arm and grumbled, “Petey, stay the hell out of my sex life!” He took the bottle from Travis, drank a quaff and then handed it over to Wasp.
Travis said nothing. He couldn’t believe this conversation was happening.
The contempt rolled off of Petey again, “I didn’t think so. You call yourselves perverts? You guys are pathetic. Buncha fucktards.”
Petey looked around, noticing a lot of the team was still watching what was going on. His attitude turned slightly more contemplative, but not much, and he spoke to Travis again, “You need to kiss him, though. Now.”
Travis said, “Petey, can you lay off?” If Petey was now going to be riding Travis’ ass constantly about being queer, then this was a problem. Travis didn’t care if he did it around the rest of the team since they now knew, but Petey needed to keep it there.
Petey insisted, “No. You need to kiss him. Here, in front of all of us. Intentionally. You don’t, dumbass, and next week, it’ll all be back the way it was. Back in the closet. Is that what you want? Matt’s gonna be around, so you might as well get it out in the open. For real, this time.”
Jesus, when did Petey get an IQ higher than his shoe size?
Travis thought maybe Petey wasn’t actually going to constantly give him a hard time after all. He looked at Matt, who was watching him expectantly. He swept his eyes around the rest of the team in the firelight. Some had gone back to their conversations, but they all seemed to be keeping a corner of one eye tuned to Matt, Petey, Wasp, and himself.
It turned out to be harder than Travis thought it would be. He was still nervous about all of this. But then, the hardest things to do were usually the most worthwhile. He reminded himself that the only easy day was yesterday.
Travis took a deep
breath. He turned to Matt and put his hand behind Matt’s neck, pulling his face to his own. Their lips met and Travis relaxed into the kiss. He hadn’t realized how much he had needed to kiss Matt all night. Their faces pressed together, their tongues met and slipped against one another, and Travis felt the familiar crunch of the facial hair around Matt’s mouth pressing into him. Inside him, the hot ember burned brighter and hotter, its warmth spreading out through his entire body. Travis pulled back, his face only an inch away from Matt’s.
He could see the orange firelight dancing in Matt’s eyes. He ran his hand along the back of Matt’s head.
Matt grinned and said, “I love you, Trav.”
Travis nodded and said, “I love you, too, Matty.”
When he leaned back against the log, nothing had changed. No one had stormed off, disgusted. There were no MP’s waiting to arrest him for conduct unbecoming. The insects still hummed and chirruped. The waves still rolled in. Even Petey laid off the taunts for once. Anticlimax never felt so good to Travis.
Dillinger, Rickey, Marshall and Wes started stirring around, pulling their things together to go. The long day was winding down, and soon everyone would go their separate ways.
Wasp stood up, too. But he looked down at Travis. He said, loud enough to get the whole team’s attention, “Call us, Mope.”
Travis got nervous again. They were all putting him through the wringer on this whole thing and he was so tired.
The team stopped what they were doing to see what would happen. Dillinger, Rickey, Marshall, and Wes stopped packing up to watch as well. They wanted to see how Travis would handle this.
Travis said, “C’mon, Wasp. We’re on a holiday here. This isn’t the time…”
Wasp said again, “Call us, Mope! You want to know if you’re still in charge or not? Find out rather than waiting. Call us!”
Travis heard Baya say from the other side of the fire, “Do it, Mope. If you lose your leadership over this platoon, it’s only because you’re unwilling to maintain it, not because you’re gay.”