She shook her head. Paint? Impossible.
Or maybe not.
She had the easel Ben had given her. She could set it up here and continue to stay inside the house.
Anna found lemon in the fridge and the sugar bowl on the counter. She carried them over to the table and went back for the kettle. “And get out of this house. Come back to class.”
Juli shook her head. “I don’t think I’m ready.”
“Nonsense. If you don’t want the others to ask about Ben or how you’re doing, I’ll tell them not to. But to stay away? No, you need to come back, at least for a while, so they won’t think their presence at the funeral was unappreciated.”
“It was appreciated.” Juli noted Anna’s red-rimmed eyes and remembered Anna had been Ben’s friend for many years. Anna felt grief, too. “Thank you for coming over.”
“I lost my husband years ago. I remember how it was. It’s hard to lose someone dear to you.” She reached over and patted Juli’s hand. “It takes time to learn new habits, to go from being a couple to being on your own again.”
“We weren’t married very long.”
“You cared about him and he cared about you. You two fell into being a couple as easy as pie.”
“It’s strange being alone now. Especially at night. Noises and all.” How could she be confessing this to anyone? Afraid of noises at night? Next she’d be needing a night light.
“That’s normal. Get an alarm system. Or maybe it’s fronting on the ocean that’s the problem. Between the wind and the water, any house is bound to creak. An oceanfront house needs extra care too, more than you’re accustomed to living inland.”
“It’s a lot of responsibility to manage on my own.”
“Now that does sound scary. Noises, not so much.” Anna laughed.
“I don’t know what to do. I don’t even believe this is mine. Not really. What did I do to earn it? We had a business arrangement, a generous business arrangement.”
“You feel guilty?”
She nodded. “Yes. No. I do, but I’m also happy about it, and I think that’s what I feel guilty about. It sounds stupid to say it out loud.”
“It does.”
“So, I think I’ll stop.”
“Excellent.” Anna clapped. “And you’ll come back to class?”
****
Pastor Herrin knocked on the door. It was the one action she’d taken on her own, calling him and inviting him over. Juli was looking forward to his visit. He was a connection to Ben—a living, breathing piece of her wedding memory.
“Tea or coffee?”
“A glass of water would be welcome.”
“Please have a seat.”
When she returned she was surprised to see he’d taken Ben’s chair at the table by the window. She put the coaster down and set the glass of water on top of it. She hadn’t noticed before, but the table and the puzzle pieces were already dusty.
“I want you to know I appreciated your support of Ben when we married and later, too.”
“I was concerned about Ben’s plan to marry. Knowing what he was going through, it seemed too sudden a decision, but Ben opened his heart to me and I agreed to perform the service. When I met you on your wedding day and saw how you two cared about each other, my worries fell away.”
“How we cared about each other? We barely knew each other.”
“Appearances can be deceiving, I know, but I saw something special about the two of you. Was I wrong?”
“No, I don’t think so…I came to love him. I wasn’t in love with him.” Was that stress in her voice? Guilt? Ben had known. They hadn’t pretended with each other.
Pastor Herrin nodded. He had soft blue eyes. Kind eyes.
“People marry for love every day. Love means different things to different people. For many, it becomes confused with passion. If a marriage has a good foundation, and the spouses are honest and committed, the ‘in love’ often grows into love. Love is too precious not to value however it comes to us. Both you and Ben were two people who entered into a marriage with good will—people of good heart and intention with the capacity to love. And, in this case, it was a very special situation.”
Her face was warm and likely bright red. “Pastor, I don’t want to seem dishonest. You know this began as a business arrangement, right?”
“Yes, I understood. All the more reason to celebrate two loving hearts who supported each other during a time of great need.”
“I’m embarrassed to admit I don’t know what you said about Ben during the service. I’m sorry, it didn’t stick in my mind.”
“Juli, this is a very stressful time. Sometimes it’s enough to do our best—to get through our troubles with dignity and charity—with hope for a better day. That’s one way to think of faith. We are fortunate to be able to call upon our Savior and Lord for help. This was something dear to Ben’s heart. When I gave Ben’s eulogy, I spoke from the Books of Matthew and Romans.”
He waited, but she stayed silent, so he resumed. “When I think of Ben, I think of faith. Ben believed that, with faith, all things are possible. When I remember how he loved his church, his family, and his friends, I think of a stone that is dropped into a lake. A small stone, a pebble, that sends fluid ripples across the surface. Ripples that repeat and repeat, effortlessly, in a shared unity, until they have touched the whole lake.”
The pastor folded his hands on the table. “His faith assured him that his actions and words, even the least of them, would touch other people.”
“He had faith, but he died anyway.”
“He did. Faith also means that we bow to God’s will. Juli, Ben never prayed to live. He prayed to live well, and that when it was God’s will to take him, that he, in his physical form, would die well and go to his Savior with a glad heart.”
“You mean that he was spared pain?” She winced at the snappish sound of her voice. “I overheard people say it at the funeral—at least he was spared the worst of the pain.”
“I’m glad Ben was spared pain, but that’s not what I mean. I mean he died, not looking back upon his life with despair, but looking forward to being with his Savior. I know he wasn’t ready to go in the sense that he wanted to leave, but when he could’ve held back, and no one would have blamed him, he went into the ocean to save a child.”
She couldn’t resolve it in her mind. The pastor’s words sounded good and even rang true in her heart, but the idea of faith was foreign to her.
“Juli. I’d like to ask you something.” He reached out and touched the puzzle pieces. When he moved one, it left a faint outline. “Are you working this puzzle?”
She shook her head. “It was Ben’s.”
“I see. Would you like some help picking it up?”
She pushed the box over to him. He started gathering the pieces and she joined in. A stupid puzzle—why did it feel so good to have it out of the way?
Juli shook his hand warmly as he was leaving.
“It meant a lot to Ben when you attended church with him. You know you’re always welcome. I hope you’ll come and see us again.”
“Thank you. Just now, I don’t know what I’ll do.”
“I understand. You are welcome to think about it under our roof.” He laughed softly. “Sometimes I do my best thinking there. If you don’t mind, I and our congregation will keep you in our prayers.”
After Pastor Herrin left, she called Luke and asked for his help. He didn’t answer so she left a message on the voicemail, “Luke, I’d appreciate it if you’d call me. I need some help figuring out Ben’s finances.”
****
Luke showed up at her door on Saturday morning. His hair was slightly ruffled by the wind. He wore a loose, casual shirt that made him look broader through the shoulders, khaki shorts and sandals.
“Juli?”
“Come in, please.” She stepped aside. “I appreciate your willingness to help. Coffee?”
“No.” Not even a hint of a smile lightened his face. He
nodded toward the study. “In there? What can I help you with?”
Chapter Twenty-One
One of the first things Luke did was to back up the data on Ben’s computer. “Let’s not risk losing this. Did Ben show you what he kept where?”
She shook her head. “A few things, that’s all. Maybe he planned to do more after he changed the will, but, well, you know.”
It was Luke’s turn to shake his head. “What was he thinking?”
Her temper flared, but before she lashed out he spoke again, answering his own question.
“Ben thought he had time yet to show you through his records. Did he tell you what to do first?”
“He told me to go to you.” How embarrassing. “For help,” she added.
Luke stared at the keyboard for a few moments before he spoke. “Let’s check his computer and desk drawers and see what Ben left us to work with.”
“Okay.” She gestured at the desk, inviting him to go through Ben’s records, but Luke was looking past her.
“What’s that?”
Juli followed his eyes to the far wall where Ben had hung the sketched portrait.
“Nothing much.”
“Did you draw it?”
“Yes. It was silly of him to frame it.”
“Well, he was that kind of guy. A nice man and a good friend.”
Juli wanted to declare Ben had hung it because he liked it and because it was special to him, not because he was a nice guy. She held back. She was emotional these days. Out of sight, below the level of the desk where Luke couldn’t see, she twisted her fingers. The feel of Ben’s rings upon her fingers reminded her to be patient. She shouldn’t be so quick to take offense.
It felt like the battle for Ben, for the protection of Ben, had morphed with his death into a new struggle. She first sensed it after the funeral with Adela. Who had loved him more? Whom had he loved most? Grief and loss drove people to do bizarre things. It had been easier when she had no one for whom she cared deeply.
Easier not to care, but that didn’t seem as sensible and desirable as it once had despite the hazards.
Luke had something on his mind, but he didn’t share it. Instead, he returned his attention to the notes he was making. He listed Ben’s accounts, banking and credit, recurring bills, etc. “You’ll have to change these accounts over to your name, close others. You have a checking account in your name already as part of the agreement, right?”
“Yes, and he added me to his other accounts, too. In case of an emergency, he said.”
Luke nodded. “If you like, I’ll go with you to the bank to help sort out these others.”
It would be easier to deal with the bank with Luke there as the executor. “Thanks.”
“Do you want me to contact the life insurance company for you?”
The green kept rolling in, undeserved by her, Ben’s temporary wife. “Adela was his heir before, right?”
“Yes, she was.”
“Ben talked about a niece and nephew.”
“You don’t need to concern yourself about them. It was Ben’s right, and his choice, to change his will and his beneficiaries. They aren’t in need.”
“He said the kids are in high school, I think?”
“Yes.”
“I’d like to split the life insurance policy between them. Maybe in a trust for college funds? Could you help me with that?”
“Think about it. It’s a lot of money. I’ll help you in any way I can, but be sure it’s what you want to do.”
Luke looked at his watch. “I have to go. Call me when you’re ready to go to the bank.”
Juli walked with him out of the study and into the kitchen. “We can take care of it whenever it suits your schedule.” Had he heard her? He seemed distracted, fingering his keys absentmindedly. When he stopped abruptly, she tensed. Something was coming.
“At the Hammonds’ party back in April, I saw you. I didn’t look through you. I was looking for Ben.”
“Oh.” Something small and deep within Juli held still, listening. Luke was stern, growing more so as he continued, yet he was looking at the door rather than at her.
“When I went to the coatroom, it wasn’t to check up on the staff. I wanted to know if Ben had gotten his coat because he might have gone outside, or even gone home. I happened to see Frankie, and then you, while I was there.”
“Okay.”
“Ben had claimed his coat, so I went outside and spoke with the valet.”
“Who told you Ben had left.” She could imagine what else the valet might have hinted at.
“With a woman, he said. He insinuated Ben was drunk and you were…were doing the driving and…well, I knew Ben wasn’t drunk. Not drinking at all, in fact, but I didn’t know about you. Anything about you.”
He was out the door in a flash. For a tall man with such presence, he moved quickly. Juli was left, feeling astonished.
Maia had been talking. Juli went to the study window and looked down at the parking area. Luke opened his car door and paused. He reached up and pressed one hand against his eyes. If he was going to shed a tear or two, he didn’t want her to see.
She put her hands to the window. If she could reach through and touch him, she would. Without hesitation, she would wrap her arms around him with abandon, victimizing them both and slashing her self-respect into humiliated pieces that could never be glued back into their former state.
And Luke would not thank her for the emotional revelation or her sacrifice.
Fate was heartless. Always.
Chapter Twenty-Two
He was trapped, caught between Ben, Adela and Juli. They demanded time and energy he couldn’t spare. He had his own grief. Had businesses to run. Responsibilities.
Ever since Ben first told him the news, he’d been grieving. Every time he decided what should be done, something happened to shake it all up.
Ben’s marriage. Juli as the heir. Adela irate.
He was running an emotional obstacle course.
After the funeral, he’d taken Adela to the airport himself and stood by the exit ropes to ensure she didn’t come back. For the time being, she’d been dealt with. Sort of like the Dutch boy putting a finger in the dyke to staunch the flood.
Woefully inadequate.
And Ben.
Ben was gone. He’d do his best to abide by Ben’s wishes, including helping Juli. Luke understood why Ben wanted him to be friends with Juli. It was hard, though, to look at her without reliving the pain of Ben’s loss.
It wasn’t her fault, but... he didn’t need to remind himself she was his cousin’s widow. Or that she was ten years younger. Or that she had married Ben for his money.
She’d fulfilled the contract. She’d made Ben happy.
The trip back to Beaufort was a blur.
“Maia?” He entered the gallery by the back door.
“I’m here.”
He went directly to his office and flipped open the blinds. He wanted the sunlight.
“We have the Roundtree showing scheduled for next month.”
He said it as if pronouncing doom. Maia clasped her hands together.
“Yes. Are you re-considering?”
He knew she was afraid he’d say cancel, and while he wished there were more hours in the day and that grief hadn’t entered their lives, the fact remained bills had to be paid, plus he had obligations to employees and clients.
Responsibilities.
He stayed at the window, staring outside at the narrow passageway and the painted brick wall of the store next door. Not a lot of sunlight, but better than no window at all.
“Luke.” Maia’s voice was almost a whisper. “We don’t have to take care of it now. I know what to do and the contract is already signed.”
“Then maybe I should make a run down to Charleston.”
He could almost hear her worrying over him the way she’d fretted over Ben. He could’ve reassured her that he was fine, but he didn’t. He wasn’t fine. The only accept
able antidote was action.
But first he had to see Juli again.
Chapter Twenty-Three
“I appreciate your help.”
“No problem.” Luke drove up to the street and checked for traffic before pulling out of the driveway.
“I hope it’s not too inconvenient.” Juli could see he didn’t want to discuss it, or anything, with her. “I could go by myself.” She tucked her hair behind her ear, then rested a hand on the armrest. Her fingers wanted to tap. She kept them still.
He touched his forehead. Did he have a headache? He could do better than speak two words and nothing more. If he would actually talk to her instead of making her prod and poke, she wouldn’t have to drive him crazy by pestering him.
“I know you’re busy,” she said.
He kept his attention on the road as they rode down Atlantic Avenue. He said, “I told you I’m willing to help. Not to mention that as Ben’s executor, I have to help.”
Have to help. Well, if he was doing this because he was required to, then she’d let him get on with it and be done.
“I could’ve met you at the bank and saved you some time. It’s not too late. You can take me back to the house. I’ll drive over myself.” Juli stared out of the window because she couldn’t fake a smile today.
The turn signal clicked-clicked-clicked as Luke slowed and pulled off to the side of the road.
“What are you doing?”
Silence, except for the sound of the idling engine.
“What do you want, Juli? To drive yourself? Are you uncomfortable in the car with me?” He hit the steering wheel, but lightly. “If I’ve offended you, I’m sorry. I’m trying to be helpful.”
“Offended?” She stared at the side of his face since he persisted in looking forward. “No. I didn’t want to force you to do anything you didn’t want to do—whether for Ben’s sake or mine. I know you’d rather be anywhere but here with me. You didn’t ask for this, it’s been forced on you. It wasn’t part of what you expected to do as Ben’s executor.”
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