“Okay.”
Rebecca brushed a few strands of wet hair back from her face, and Callie closed her eyes. She didn’t think anybody had ever touched her with this much tenderness. Never mind that there had been a time in her life when she’d thought she didn’t deserve this. Take that, Nicole. I’m home now. How’s that for a change to the better?
* * * *
Monica Shelton called the next day.
“Rebecca, is that you? I’m sorry I’m calling this early, but I was wondering if you were fine with Dina coming over to us for the weekend. You’re here for a few more days, aren’t you? The girls are getting along so well, and this is their last opportunity.”
She was right, Rebecca thought. This sounded much too cheery for eight in the morning.
“I’m sure Dina will be happy, but are you sure you don’t mind?”
“Of course not. She’s welcome anytime. I can come pick her up at eleven if she likes?”
Dina stood in the doorway, smiling happily. Rebecca took that as a yes.
“She’ll be ready,” she told Monica. With some resignation, she closed her phone and regarded her daughter quizzically.
“Is that another thing you planned without us?”
“Come on, Mom. It works out for all of us. You and Callie will have the whole day to yourselves.”
“I don’t know. We don’t know this family all that much.” Rebecca wondered if Dina had told David about them—or Susan, even. She always been more of the worrier. David had argued in favor of giving the girls more freedom, but then again, he’d been in and out of their lives due to his job. The “in” phases often meant he had to make it up to them by bending the rules just a little.
“Don’t worry. We don’t do much other than drinking beer and smoking pot. Got you there, Mom.”
Dina cracked up over her own joke, not so much Rebecca who, for a moment, felt like she was going to faint.
“Don’t do anything like that ever again! Okay, you can go. Just…”
“Don’t get in the car with Erin when there’s no adult around, got it. You’re the best.”
Dina hugged her quickly. She always seemed to have to overcome some sense of embarrassment over the impulse. Rebecca made a face to no one behind her back. In a few more years, Maggie would be the same.
“By the way, I talked to Dad. He says hi.”
“Okay. Thanks.”
Dina obviously didn’t expect more of an answer, because she immediately went to choose clothes for her weekend with her new best friend. Rebecca stepped in front of the window, looking down at the busy city. She and Callie didn’t have anywhere to be today. A peaceful day without any surprises, just the two of them…It sounded like heaven.
When Rebecca had first seen New York, it was a big adventure, but she hadn’t felt overwhelmed like recently. Coming back to Autumn Leaves in return was like living in a miniature village, small, certainly safer, but also giving people a lot more time to care about their neighbor’s business.
“Will we have to come here often?” She hoped her question sounded as neutral as it was meant to be. Rebecca wanted to make sure she did her share in this relationship. With David, she thought it was understood that she would take care of their home. She never asked that much about his work, and over time, they had drifted apart further than she’d thought.
“Not really. I don’t go on big book tours, just a few dates here and there. You know, I had to do this, just to prove to myself that I’ve stopped running. Turns out I could survive seeing Nicole again. My life is not here anymore. It’s with you.”
A few times a year…She could work with that when Callie had been turning her life upside down just the same for her.
* * * *
It had been a beautiful day. This was the kind that you kept in your heart and saved there for the moments when you took an unexpected header to the downside, or something even less poetic. Callie had refused to let her life revolve around the more traumatic experiences, her relationship with Nicole, the assault she’d been subjected to. She had enough counseling in her life to have learned tools in order to find another focus. Yet, when she checked her cell phone for new messages, she remembered the meaning of a trigger.
For a long time, she had also worked on making herself believe it hadn’t been all that bad with Nicole, and that a lot of people in relationships were worse off. What happened in Autumn Leaves made it painfully clear that she never exaggerated for a moment. Finding Nicole’s name in her inbox still had enough power to sweep away the achievements she made towards the new life.
Sorry, Nicole wrote, I just had to try, and I trusted that you didn’t change your number. Can’t we just talk, to leave it all behind us once and for all? You ran out on me. Even if you don’t need that closure, I do, and I think you owe me that much. Please call me.
“I can’t believe it.” Rebecca shook her head. “She still doesn’t get why you left her. Don’t talk to her. She has to learn someday…Callie?” she asked when there was no reply.
Callie kept staring at the screen, the words mocking her. She didn’t want to talk to Nicole, that much was for sure. She just didn’t know if she could make the problem go away simply by ignoring it.
“Maybe I could make her get it.”
“Why? She didn’t get it the first time. It’s not your job.”
“I’m not talking about doing her a favor.”
“You’re not? How is talking to her anything but doing her a favor?”
“I need to get rid of her once and for all.”
Callie looked up at Rebecca. She could tell that Rebecca was struggling to understand her reasoning, but the idea seemed to make more sense by the minute. If she ignored the message, she’d just worry about the next that would certainly come. She wanted to be able not to care at all at some point. Desensitization therapy. She wanted to feel capable of more than the defensive rambling she’d given Nicole at the bookstore.
“Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to hang out with her. God knows that didn’t work out so well for me the last time. I’ll let her say what she wants to say, and just let it go.”
Rebecca still looked doubtful. “You must know what feels right for you. I just don’t want you to get hurt. Again.”
“You can’t always protect me.”
It was the truth, but Rebecca’s expression made Callie wish she hadn’t said it out loud.
“I’ll be okay this time. Don’t worry. I’ll call her and get this over with now.” She hadn’t meant for it to sound so much like a question.
“I still think you should just ignore her. Okay. It’s your decision. I can come with you.”
“Thank you, but…I have to do this alone. I need to know I can do it.”
“I don’t like it.”
“Rebecca, please. She’s a nuisance, but not that dangerous.”
After a moment of silent standoff, Rebecca sighed.
“I thought I was going to do a little work, but I haven’t even looked at that restaurant site since we came here. I should get back to it. I’ll be next door if you need me.”
“Thanks.”
The door fell shut, and Callie was alone with her decision. She picked up the phone and held it in her hand for a moment before she went back to the message and hit call. Maybe she was lucky and the voicemail would pick up. She could still change her mind.
“Callie, is that you?”
Nicole sounded happy. Callie wouldn’t let herself be fooled by that. It had taken her a long time to discover that underneath the charm, the other woman could be mean.
“Well, obviously…okay, here’s the deal. You come to the café here at the hotel, tell me what you think it is you need to tell me, and then you leave me alone.”
“That’s more that I expected. Thank you.” She seemed puzzled though. “You’re not afraid of me, are you?”
“I don’t have a reason, do I?”
“You haven’t changed a bit. It will take me about half an hou
r. Is that okay?”
“Hurry up,” Callie said and hung up, wondering if she’d made a big mistake.
Rebecca was going to stay in the room to wait for Dina. She didn’t offer any more criticism, but had instead quietly set up a work area at the desk by the window. As Callie passed by her, she paused for a moment to lean down and kiss her neck. “I don’t want to run anymore,” she whispered. “I am home.”
Rebecca still looked worried, but the admission elicited a smile from her.
* * * *
Maybe she was running out of ideas, or she wasn’t that good anymore. Whatever the reason was, besides Callie meeting her ex-girlfriend who by all intents and purposes could be a psychopath, Rebecca wasn’t getting any work done. Her clients always been satisfied with her work, but now she wondered if her skills were sufficient to keep her working in the field. When you had two kids at home, working part-time from home was a good, practical idea. It didn’t seem to work that well anymore.
She remembered sneaking Dina’s password yesterday, tempted. No, she couldn’t go there. As disturbing as that thought was, Dina needed to have a space where Rebecca didn’t have access. Rebecca needed her thoughts to stop running around in circles. Dina was spending time with some nice people. Callie would meet Nicole in a public space. Everybody would be fine.
After a moment of hesitation, Rebecca went to get her own cell phone. A few calls to home would be a good distraction now.
“Hey, Roz. What’s new?”
“Rebecca! You’re living the high life in New York and you’re asking me that?”
Roz was the one friend in Autumn Leaves that Rebecca was still close with after her Saturday morning brunch circle had fallen apart.
“It’s just a business trip, and we will have to come back at some point. Anything I should know?”
“Same old.” Roz sighed. “Tons of snow too. Maybe you’re lucky and it’s heading your way, so you can stay a little bit longer.”
“I don’t know if I would call that ‘lucky.’”
“You really can’t wait to come home, can you? How’s it going—did Callie win the prize?”
“Of course she did,” Rebecca said with pride. “We’ll show you next Saturday.”
They had tentatively attempted to relive the brunch ritual, together with Callie and Francine, one of her friends from the Gospel choir. The success had been moderate, as both Rebecca and Roz were constantly reminded of the people who weren’t there. Maria was dead. Betty still believed that Rebecca was committing a sin in the eyes of God, not so much by divorcing her husband, but by loving another woman.
“I can’t wait. Oh, by the way, did you know that Mayor Beckett retired? I suppose there was no alternative in the end with all the bad press Tim got him.”
Rebecca shuddered, the simple mention of Tim Beckett’s name causing the visceral reaction.
“I suppose there wasn’t. The town’s without a mayor?”
“Sheila and Francine’s dad will run things until the election.”
“Okay.” Rebecca didn’t have much of an opinion about the man who had been the runner-up in the last election. She assumed that with his son accused of assault and rape, Beckett had done the right thing.
“I thought you might want to run as an independent candidate.”
“Now, Roz, it’s too early to drink,” Rebecca said with a surprised laugh.
“I’m serious. There are a lot of people in town who would vote for you. I know I would.”
“You and who else?”
“You did something that required a lot of courage. There are more people aware of that than you think.”
“Thanks, but no thanks. I’ve never been into politics that much. I just couldn’t stand the hypocrisy anymore.”
“Well, there’s a start,” Roz said. Rebecca shook her head to herself. If anything, she wanted less attention from the people in town, to just continue to live her life without the feeling of being under a microscope. She couldn’t deny, though, that it felt good talking to a friend. This was real, just like her relationship with Callie. Nicole was just a momentary distraction. Rebecca still hoped Betty would come to her senses sometime soon, but if she didn’t…
Maybe Callie had the right idea after all. Closure, once and for all, sounded like a good idea.
* * * *
Nicole’s greeted her with a hesitant smile. There was indeed something different about her, subtle things Callie hadn’t noticed in the first shock of seeing her again. The hairstyle and clothes she wore, even her voice. She had worked on softening the edges.
“Callie, I’m so glad. Thank you.”
It was when Callie recalled the content of the text message that she wondered how much of this change simply was façade.
“You’re welcome, but how in the hell do you figure that I owe you?”
Nicole looked chagrined. She was about to answer when the waitress arrived. Callie ordered a latte, Nicole a Diet Coke.
“I changed a lot of habits,” she said with regard to Callie’s surprised look. “I don’t drink anymore, not that much anyway. First of all, I’m so sorry. I didn’t even know if it would all work out, if I got to see you again, and then when I did, it brought up a lot of the old stuff—I just went overboard with that message.”
“I’d say you did. What exactly is it you need from me?”
Callie studied Nicole intently, trying to see the woman she’d once been in love with, and the one she’d fled from, afraid of bodily harm. At the moment, she couldn’t find either.
Nicole started to fold her napkin into a tiny square, averting her eyes for an instant before she spoke.
“After you left, things just went downhill.”
In Callie’s opinion, things had been going downhill for a long time before the incidents leading to that moment. She didn’t want to prolong this conversation, so she just sat and waited.
“I was just so angry all the time, and I didn’t know how to deal with it.”
“I remember.”
“I know. I treated you badly for too long. I can see that now. I’ve had some very intense therapy, and part of the deal was that if possible, I’d go back and apologize, so, here I am. I’m so sorry. I know I hurt you, but I swear I didn’t do it on purpose. I was this messed-up person who couldn’t see beyond herself.”
“Never hurts to broaden one’s horizon.” Callie had an idea of what Nicole wanted her to say. She just wasn’t sure if she could say it, or even wanted to. It didn’t seem fair that a few minutes should bring Nicole absolution when Callie had been trapped for a whole year.
“As far as I’m concerned, you’re free to do whatever you want to. You apologize, fine. I acknowledge it. That’s all I can give you.”
“I’m not asking for more, I promise.”
On the table, Nicole reached for her hand. Callie withdrew it hastily, old habits and all. Maybe she did her wrong, but Nicole’s touch didn’t feel safe. She could barely remember a time when it had.
“You see, I’ve been thinking a lot about what went wrong. We had some good times once.”
There might have been some truth in that, however, those good times had mostly been based on miscommunication and misunderstandings. Callie had been desperate for someone who’d make her feel cherished and protected. Nicole had wanted someone who was easy to control. The bubble had been burst for both of them.
“I’m sorry I never really took your job seriously. I know now that it was wrong. I’d been working all day, having this huge responsibility. When I’d come home, you’d been in the house all day, and you had a headache. I couldn’t understand it. I thought what you did was a hobby.”
“We never really talked about these things.” Callie could acknowledge that much, even though she was uncomfortable giving an inch in this conversation. It wasn’t supposed to be about making up. She didn’t feel obliged to agree to a compromise.
“Mostly, I just yelled at you,” Nicole said ruefully.
Yelling h
adn’t always been the issue. Nicole had been able to deliver some very hurtful things without raising her voice.
“You stayed for a whole year before I messed it up completely. Now look at you—you are famous. I’m so proud of you.”
“Famous is not the right expression. I might make the same as you with a few less hours, well, if we don’t count obsessing about fictional people every hour of the day.”
They shared a smile. Callie felt a pang of guilt, towards Rebecca, and towards herself.
“I wish I could say it’s all good, but I can’t. Some things you say can’t be taken back. I think it’s great, though, that you’re making the effort to change your life. It’s not easy for anyone. I know that. I wish you luck, Nicole.”
“Just one more thing,” Nicole said, stirring her Coke with the straw. For all her new clean ways, no alcohol or anger, she had adopted a few nervous habits, Callie noted.
“Are you happy right now?”
“Okay. I don’t really think you have the right to ask me that, but if you must know—yes I am.”
“Just checking. You know that some straight women go for the novelty and the fun, but as soon as the next guy comes along…”
“Stop. Stop it, Nicole! Let’s review some things. You came here to follow up on some homework your therapist gave you. I understand that it’s important, and I don’t mean to belittle you,”—the way you did it with me—“but I did not ask you for relationship advice. It’s none of your business.”
“I just want you to be happy.” Nicole smiled. “If you are, it’s all good. Just be careful.”
“Oh, you can count on that. Being with you has taught me to be careful. Excuse me now?”
“Of course. Thank you for everything, Callie.”
They reached for their wallets simultaneously. Nicole seemed disappointed, but she didn’t comment as each of them paid for their own drink. Tonight, Callie was sure she wouldn’t drown herself in a bottle of wine. This chapter of her life was finally over.
Rebecca looked relieved beyond reason when Callie returned to their room. Her laptop was still open with the work file of the restaurant. Dina lounged on the couch with her own computer on her lap and her headphones on.
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