Eventually, Rebecca drifted into an uneasy sleep. She could have predicted it would come with disturbing dreams.
She was lying in bed, in her home, wrapped in a warm, comforting embrace.
“Whore,” Craig whispered, and in her dream, Rebecca bolted upright, but she didn’t really come awake.
She was in the hospital. She recognized the woman coming into her room: It was the midwife. The woman shook her head sadly. No, no. This isn’t happening.
In church, she was praying with Father Langdon. Rebecca felt safe and happy that he was back. It meant everything about Father Reynolds had been nothing but a nightmare too. The termination of her contract, the suggestion she might need therapy.
Father Langdon held her folded hands in his, squeezing. She wanted to tell him to stop, because it was starting to hurt, but she couldn’t bring out any words.
Stop. Her bones were beginning to crack. Please, stop it.
“I’m sorry, but the pain is necessary to guide you on your way,” he said, irrationally speaking in a female voice. He laughed, a high-pitched sound that was grating on Rebecca’s nerves. She still couldn’t speak. Her hands were bloody.
“You’re a failure, Rebecca. Gay, ex-gay, doesn’t matter.” Father Langdon was morphing into Nicole before her eyes. She smiled triumphantly.
At least the voice fit her better, Rebecca thought.
Leave me alone.
“No way,” Nicole said, obviously able to read her thoughts. “I’ll always be with you, to remind you.”
Rebecca looked down only to realize that she was naked. Around the two of them, people had formed a circle, glaring accusingly at her. There was David, Betty, Dina. Laurie. Her own parents.
Maggie! She screamed.
The subconscious torture finally ended when she woke, quiet all around her. Her strangled scream had felt so real that she thought everybody must have heard it, but obviously that was not the case. Her heart was still hammering, fear, shame. The emotion clung to her, feeling real in an unsettling way.
“Almost there,” Bev announced from the front seat.
Rebecca wavered between disappointment and relief that there was no news to share.
Not even a long hot shower could drive the chill out of her body. It was close to 6:00 a.m., and Callie started to make breakfast. David had waited by the phone. He looked as defeated as Rebecca felt. She always thought if something like this happened to her family, she would go insane. It didn’t happen that easily. Awareness stayed with her painfully, every single minute.
“I talked to Dina,” he said. “I told her it was okay to skip school for today. I’m going to call her school, and Mom is going to bring her if you don’t mind.”
“Of course not.”
Just for a second, she saw the shadow crossing Callie’s face. Misunderstandings. This wasn’t about turning back time, it was about family, a family that Callie was now part of.
“Okay. They’re going to be here soon.”
Silence crept in once more, the clinking of dishes and cutlery the only sound. No one was really hungry, but Callie put some toast, jam, and butter on the table anyway. She started another pot of coffee. When she poured a cup for each of them from the first batch, Rebecca saw that her hands were shaking. Rebecca wanted to console her, but she didn’t know how when she was barely holding on herself.
You’re a failure, Rebecca. She had nothing to argue in her favor with her inner representation of Nicole.
The doorbell startled all of them. David went to answer.
Rebecca felt like she should use that moment to say something, anything to Callie, but the chance went by, and David returned to the kitchen with their guests. She had expected them to be Laurie and Dina—instead, her nightmare seemed to be coming alive. Maybe she was becoming delusional after all.
“Rebecca,” Betty said, her expression apologetic and mournful. “I heard it on the radio. I’m so sorry.”
She hugged Rebecca who stepped out of the embrace after a short moment. She couldn’t let her guard down, with anyone, yet. “Thank you.”
“I thought you might need some consolation different from what I can give, so I asked Father Reynolds to come with me.”
David looked confused. Callie sank into the kitchen chair and shook her head, doing something completely unexpected. She started laughing.
Rebecca was secretly grateful, if very much startled. That way, all attention was drawn away from herself for a moment.
“I’m sorry,” Callie insisted. “I’m sorry.” She couldn’t seem to stop though.
“We are all having a hard time,” David said with surprising calm. “Thank you for your support, Betty, and Father…Reynolds, was it? Callie, why don’t you come with me for a moment?”
The doorbell rang again, and he added, “Betty, if you could get that? That would be Laurie and Dina.”
“Of course.”
All of a sudden, Rebecca felt herself alone with Father Reynolds, and she realized she was scared. If she could have, she would have left too.
Chapter Nine
“No! I don’t need you to give me the talk, or patronize me!”
David had gently but firmly steered her out of the room. Callie was aware that this had probably been a good idea, with her acting strange in front of Betty and the minister. It had been a long, stressful night for all of them.
“I wasn’t going to. I’m sorry. About earlier, I mean.”
His apology seemed genuine, and she took a deep breath.
“Okay. I know you probably don’t believe me, but this is hard for me too. I love Maggie. She’s a lovely girl, smart and kind, and—and I love Rebecca. I know her friends and faith matter to her, but these people? They are just going to make her feel even guiltier. They’re going to demonize me every which way they can. How is that supposed to help Maggie?”
“You probably won’t believe me, but I get that. What you and Rebecca have…I don’t think I’ll ever completely understand that. Frankly, I don’t want to, but you know that’s not a matter of religion or discrimination.”
Callie came to the startling realization that under different circumstances, she might have liked David. Unlike so many other people intruding on their lives at the moment, hers and Rebecca’s, at least he was honest.
* * * *
“This is what happened,” Rebecca told the minister. “The moms are taking turns driving the kids to the book club and back home afterwards. It wasn’t my turn. My ex-brother-in-law showed up and told Jenny, the designated driver for the day, that he was supposed to collect Maggie. Now tell me, Father, how I could have prevented this from happening simply by the power of being less gay.”
“Mrs. LaRue called me, because she heard about your daughter on the morning news. This is why I came. I promise you there is no hidden agenda.”
“Maggie is eight years old. Where does he even get off thinking…” Rebecca broke off. Even though she didn’t agree with him on certain subjects, there was no need to use offensive language. She didn’t want to push him. She just didn’t feel very comfortable with him in the house. “She’s just a little girl!”
“I know. If you’d like, we could pray together, for him to find the sense to return her home safely.”
Rebecca wasn’t sure if she had any prayer for Craig left.
“He’s been troubled. For a long time. My sister-in-law’s death was like the last straw.”
“The ending of a marriage always means trying times, whether it is by divorce or death.”
“No kidding.” She shook her head with a sad laugh. “I often wonder what they had in common in the first place. Maria was a wonderful, kind person. I suppose she held him together.”
“What about your family?”
“We’re doing fine, just fine. If you don’t take into consideration that my daughter has been kidnapped,” she said sharply. “Is that what you call ‘no hidden agenda’?”
“This is not about me, Mrs. Lowman, or even for me
. I have nothing to gain or lose, but I want you to be aware that you have options. A tragedy can bring a family closer together. You might want to reconsider your choices. Not because of me. Because of what’s in your children’s best interest.”
“It’s in my children’s best interest to be loved and safe.”
“I agree. It’s their mother and father who can make them feel that way. If you really look inside your heart, Rebecca, you know that it’s true. We can’t always see what God’s plan for us is, but we feel it when something is wrong. Something is very wrong right now.”
Rebecca stayed silent, reminded of her nightmare. She felt naked at the moment, as if he could see right through her to the bottom of her own doubts and self-depreciation. She had made mistakes. She had hurt people she loved. There was no denying those facts.
She loved Callie. This was just as true, and for the life of her, she couldn’t imagine the God She always believed in would punish her for it.
“You know it, Rebecca,” Father Reynolds insisted. “Maybe you can’t face the consequences right now. It’s okay. God is patient with our misfits and detours. You’ll find the way back eventually.”
“You don’t know me.”
“It’s true that I haven’t known you and your family for long,” he acknowledged. “That doesn’t mean I can’t recognize certain things. I want to help whenever I can. That’s in the job description.”
“David and I sold our house. He’s with someone new, so am I.” It sounded lame even to her. “We made sure Dina and Maggie were involved, that they could make their own choices. They are happy.”
“Are they happy now?”
“What are you doing? You’re not helping!” Dina said angrily. Neither of them heard her coming in.
“My mom is gay, so yeah, big deal. She’s happy, and she’s not hurting anyone. Right now, we’re all worried about my little sister, so you better just get over it or leave us alone.”
“Dina,” Rebecca said, baffled. Dina rushed towards her and embraced her. “I’m sorry, Mom. It’s true. We’ll get through this together. I bet Uncle Craig will realize soon that he’s been a jerk and bring Maggie home.”
Father Reynolds mustered a smile for the teenager.
“It’s nice to meet you, Dina. Be assured, no one is judging your mother. We are all just here to help.”
“Well, I really hope so.” They had pretty much forgotten about Betty standing in the corner. “Because I’ve been judging my friend, and Rebecca, I want you to know that I know I’ve been wrong.”
“Thank you.”
“We’ll talk about this another time,” Betty said. “Father Reynolds, I’m sorry if we misunderstood each other. I asked you to come because of what happened with Maggie.”
“I am aware of that, Mrs. LaRue.”
“Rebecca, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what has gotten into Craig now.”
It wasn’t Laurie’s fault, but with the arrival of her former mother-in-law, Rebecca now felt completely crowded.
* * * *
“The girls like you a lot.”
This was the moment Callie had worked hard to avoid when she busied herself making coffee and serving snacks to everyone. She was glad to see Dina and, to some surprising extent, Betty LaRue, taking Rebecca’s side. The minister was scaring her though. Add to that the fact that she could barely function anymore beyond the repetitive motions of preparing another batch of coffee. She had wanted to step outside just for a brief moment, and when she returned into the house, shivering and dispirited, they met in the hallway. Callie had no idea whether this was intended by him or not.
“They are great kids, both of them.” Scared or not, she was itching to say a lot more to him, but she restrained herself. It didn’t matter to her if they never set foot into his service again, but it did matter to Rebecca, a great deal.
“It sure is difficult to reason with a person who is greatly heartbroken at the moment. However, I had hoped you’d be more open.”
“Open to what?” she asked, not trying to hide her skepticism. “I’m sorry, you don’t want to recommend me for that therapy you seem so fond of. I wouldn’t be one of the success stories.”
“Don’t you feel remorse? When you look at this family’s suffering, can you not step back and see what would be the most kind and sensible solution for everyone?”
“Why is this so personal for you, Father? First of all, I didn’t kidnap the girl.”
“Somebody did, and we don’t know yet how far he is willing to go.”
“What’s with all the hate, Father Langdon? Didn’t the Bible tell you anything about that? Hypocrisy? I’m starting to think you draw some perverse pleasure from this.”
“Did you draw any pleasure from destroying this family? If you really love Rebecca like you claim you do, maybe it’s time to prove it by letting her go.”
“That’s it,” Callie said coldly. “You came to my house uninvited. I can’t believe how incredibly rude you’re behaving. It’s a shame you’re doing it hiding behind God. We have by far more difficult problems to deal with. I’m asking you to leave.”
He regarded her for a long moment. There was no anger or offense in his gaze, just pity.
“As you wish. Tell Rebecca I’ll pray for her and her family, please.”
Callie closed the door behind him, leaning her head against the cool glass.
Please, whoever is listening, make it stop.
* * * *
Time seemed to slow down to a halt, the movements of people around her like in slow-motion. Rebecca struggled to make sense of it all, but she could only come back to one conclusion: Her baby girl was in danger, and everyone was just standing around and talking. It felt wrong. They should be able to do something. At least Father Reynolds appeared to have left, for which Rebecca was grateful, because he’d failed to offer any kind of consolation. None of this had happened because of whom she loved. It had happened because Craig had finally gone off the deep end.
He wouldn’t hurt Maggie though. He wouldn’t. Rebecca kept repeating it in her mind, but the mantra didn’t do much in the way of reassurance. She wanted to hurt him.
She jumped violently when the phone rang again. Hearing Craig’s voice was even more disturbing this time. He sounded drunk, and he seemed to have forgotten every insult he had thrown at Rebecca before. He was also crying.
“I’m so sorry, for everything. I…I’m nothing without Maria. I miss her so very much.”
“We miss her too.” Her calmness was only a thin layer over the raging emotions underneath. Rebecca still wanted to do him harm.
Eye for an eye.
“Tell us where you are, so we can help you, and bring Maggie home.”
“I’ll bring her. So sorry. Should have never—”
“Craig, you’re drunk! You cannot drive, do you hear me? We are coming to get Maggie. David and Laurie are here too.”
“Tell Dave and Mom I’m sorry I disappointed them.”
“They’ll be fine. We all will be. Can you put Maggie—”
He laughed, all of a sudden not sounding so apologetic anymore.
“On the other hand…with Maria gone, it doesn’t matter. None of it matters, and that night at my parents’, don’t try to put it on me. You led me on. It’s all your doing, Rebecca. It always is.” There was a clicking sound on the other end of the line. “Do you know what that is? By the way, the address is 65, Willow Lane. See if you can make it on time.”
The following noise was deafening. Then she was screaming for real, stopping only when her voice gave out.
* * * *
David’s motion to move forward was instinctive, but then he stepped aside and let Callie sit beside Rebecca and wrap her arms around her.
“We need to go. My baby—we need to get there on time.” Rebecca was shaking so hard her teeth were clicking together. There was pain, and then there was knowing that a child, her child, was in real, mortal danger.
Helpless, Callie looked up
over Rebecca’s shoulder.
“I’ll call Bev,” David said.
Betty led a shell-shocked Dina out of the room. Laurie was crying quietly, and David squeezed her shoulder as he passed by her.
“It will be all right, Mom. I promise.” The fear in his voice belied the confidence he was trying to convey.
Callie didn’t even try to keep Rebecca from going, and neither did David. Bev would arrive before them anyway. She couldn’t bring herself to imagine what might just have happened. Poor Maggie. Craig might not have touched her, but if he’d done what they all thought he had…It was horrible, and still they had to go with this theory for now, because the alternative would be even more shattering. Maggie would have another trauma forced on her, one that was much worse than finding her beloved pet killed by some reckless youths just a few months ago.
She also had Rebecca to worry about. After that scream she had hardly said a word. She seemed calm and composed on the outside, but her haunted look was an indication as to how the past hours had wreaked havoc on her soul. It wasn’t something you could leave behind easily.
If only Maggie was alive.
“She’ll be fine. Maggie will be fine,” Callie said as if the mere power of words would make them both believe.
In the rearview mirror, she could see the lights of David’s car. He wasn’t going to use this tragedy for his personal gain, unlike Reynolds. Then again, he was Maggie’s father.
Callie thought of what Rebecca said earlier about making deals with God, the burning question of which sacrifice she’d be willing to make.
Then again, she didn’t believe in these equations. For Rebecca whose every bit of safe ground was breaking away, they were a safety net, a last resort.
* * * *
Craig had fired a shot. There were only two possible outcomes, Rebecca thought with a calm that surprised her. If he had hurt Maggie, she would find a way to pay revenge, any way. She wasn’t sure exactly how this was going to work, but she would come up with something. Rebecca was certain.
If he had turned the gun on himself, Rebecca wouldn’t waste a single moment to mourn him. She would take Maggie home and make sure she was safe.
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