by Advocate
But even though she didn’t want to go into the living room, she felt the urge, no, the demand, her heart was making on her to comfort RJ. For that one moment, however, her brain was still in charge of her. And Leigh’s brain told her to stay in the kitchen and fix them tequila. And to make them doubles. And to drink a shot right from the bottle.
Her eyes, however, seemed to be ruled by her heart and her gaze was drawn once again to the profoundly sad look on her friend’s face. Shit. Leigh had no choice. Her muscles allied with her heart, and the resulting coup caused her to walk out of the kitchen and kneel down in front of RJ.
The blonde let her hand slowly move up RJ’s leg then up her arm until it found her cheek. She tenderly caressed damp skin with her thumb. "Hey," she whispered, ducking her head, trying to get force eye contact with her friend. "You okay?"
RJ tried to smile, and gave a little nod. "Yeah, I’m fine." She held up her wings for Leigh to see. "Impressive, aren’t they?" She was thinking of the proud men and woman who wore them — their names were jumbled but their faces were bright clear, forever young.
"They are." Leigh’s eyes never left RJ’s face. She wanted to make RJ feel better but didn’t have the slightest clue as to how. "It was nice of Lucy to give you those," she began nervously. Why had this visit effected RJ so? Ultimately, it wasn’t sad at all. Lucy was alive and seemingly well, and they’d both heard several tales about RJ’s grandmother, which was the point, after all.
"I’m sorry about letting this get to me. I didn’t mean for this to ruin our day. I’m not sure why –"
Leigh pressed her fingers to RJ’s lips. "S’okay. We all have things that affect us in ways we don’t expect." Like the way you affect me, for instance. "But … um …" She licked her lips nervously. "You will be all right, right?"
RJ smiled and kissed Leigh’s fingers. Then she reached out and brushed her own fingers through the smaller woman’s thick hair. Feeling Leigh lean into her touch, she brought up her other hand and placed it on the other side of Leigh’s head, pulling her closer. "I never expected this, Leigh Matthews," she whispered, staring intently into the trucker’s eyes. Both women were surprised by the words, and RJ leaned forward and gently brushed her lips against Leigh’s, sighing at their softness. I never expected you to be like this.
Slightly startled by the outpouring of emotion in RJ’s simple kiss, Leigh pulled back a little. "That’s," she paused and gathered her thoughts. "That’s a good thing though, isn’t it?"
A brilliant smile was her answer. Then RJ yawned.
"C’mon." Leigh stood up and offered her hand to RJ. "Let’s go to bed."
"It’s only –"
"Who cares what time it is? I can see you’re exhausted."
RJ let out a grumpy breath. She was exhausted. The mental drain of seeing Lucy had been more than she bargained for, though a big part of her knew she simply wasn’t adjusted to being alive again and to the seemingly endless demands of her body.
Leigh led RJ into the bedroom. Not bothering with the light, she quietly stripped her companion out of her clothes, making a special effort to keep her hands to herself. RJ was exhausted and although Leigh suspected that with even the slightest of overtures she could have her, it somehow didn’t seem right this time.
RJ lifted her eyebrows when the last of her clothes hit the floor. "You’re comin’ too, right?"
"Uhhh …" Leigh heard the slight pleading in RJ’s voice. "Sure," she heard herself say.
RJ slipped into bed, her eyes drooping before Leigh could even crawl beneath the covers.
The blonde lay facing, RJ, feeling awkward as she gazed into heavy green eyes. Leigh blinked. I’ve never done this before. Well, not since elementary school … and she didn’t really think you could count the time when she was seven years old. There’s always been sex.
"Aren’t you tired?" RJ yawned, fighting hard to stay awake. "I can get up. You must be –" the mumbled words drifted off as RJ’s eyes slid shut.
Leigh rolled over and stared out the window into the just darkening sky.
* * *
She opened her eyes, not knowing how much time had passed. The room was draped in shadows when, over her shoulder, she heard a whispered voice, hoarse with sleep, float through the stillness.
"I love you, Leigh Matthews."
RJ’s warm breath tickled Leigh’s neck, but she remained still, wondering when she forgot how to breathe.
"God, forgive me, but I do." RJ exhaled wearily and Leigh could easily visualize the worried, pensive look that held her face for just a second before dropping away.
Leigh’s heart started beating again.
CHAPTER XII
LEIGH ROLLED OVER in RJ’s warm embrace, allowing her eyes to sweep over her lover’s face. She looked different, Leigh decided, when she was asleep. Those beautiful, alert emerald eyes always seemed so at odds with RJ’s easy-going personality. Their gaze flicking impatiently from thing to thing, taking in the world as though she was seeing it for the first time. So pretty. The look on Leigh’s face softened further. So young even though you sometimes act like a weird old soul.
RJ threw her arm across her companion’s waist, shifting a little and pulling her closer. She sighed happily, comforted, even in sleep, by Leigh’s solid presence.
They couldn’t have been asleep for more than a few hours. The room was still cast in deep, silvery shadows, the scent of warm skin and fresh sheets hanging heavily in the air.
RJ’s breathing was slow and steady and Leigh could see the faint movement of her eyes, under closed lids. I wonder what she’s dreaming about.
The corners of RJ’s lips held just the barest hint of a smile.
Leigh reached out to push away a dark tangle of hair that had fallen across RJ’s forehead.
She stopped mid-motion and stared at her hand, which was shaking. Everything about this was so frightening, so foreign; it felt like a fist closing over her heart.
She swallowed hard. C’mon, Leigh, you chickenshit. Stubbornly, she steadied her hand, determined to finish the simple act she’d started and push back that lock of disobedient hair. Once she had, she drew her fingertips lightly over RJ’s face, barely tracing the soft, swollen skin around RJ’s black eye before trailing down her cheek.
The tall woman twitched slightly at the featherlight touch.
Leigh smiled tensely, her brow furrowing. God, what am I doing? I don’t want this, her mind hissed. I don’t want to fall in love with her. I can’t fall in love with anyone and make it work! I won’t. But even as she thought them, Leigh couldn’t make herself believe the words. She had shamelessly lied many times her life. But even when it threatened to turn her world upside down, and several times it had, she tried to never lie to herself. Until this week.
Tonight, even through the haze of her sleep-fogged brain, she’d heard RJ’s sweet words. Felt their quiet whisper against her skin and the corresponding tug on her heart. And in that place between sleep and wakefulness they’d caused only a moment of unease, of raw fear, before she was able to push the words away and allow her eyes to drift shut. But now that she was awake, they seemed all too real. It was too much to handle.
Leigh carefully slid out from under the bedding. Tenderly, she pulled the sheet up over RJ’s shoulders, watching the even rise and fall of her chest for several long moments as she tried desperately to fight off the anxiety welling in her chest. She couldn’t do it. And she moved to the foot of the bed where she retrieved a rumpled blanket that had fallen to the floor.
Her thoughts began to pile on top of each other, filling her head with things she didn’t want, visions she’d never allow herself to have. A panic began to build within her, and she shivered as she wrapped the blanket tightly around herself, barely registering its slight roughness against her naked skin. She fled the room without shutting the door, quickly padding to the balcony, her feet moving faster with every step. When she reached the sliding glass door she threw it open, sucking in a huge lungful of
cool night air like a drowning woman just breaking through the surface, her fear so real she could taste it in the back of her throat.
Leigh closed her eyes as she exhaled slowly, letting the chilly wind that rolled in off the sea beat against her, sending her already sleep-tousled hair into further disarray. She stepped all the way outside, ignoring the sudden shock of the cold pavement against her bare feet. She let out a sigh of utter relief; the room inside had started to close in on her. Now she could breathe.
Her gaze turned out toward Puget Sound and the twinkling harbor lights. "It’s just sex," she told herself firmly as she began to pace.
"Okay, so it’s great sex. And fun. More fun than I’ve ever had with anybody else. Even when we’re just shopping or not doing anything at all. But that’s it. There’s nothing more to it. But when she looks at me my knees go weak and I have to keep from swooning like a pathetic teenager. And when she cries, it rips my heart out. Shit. Shit. Shit!" She closed her eyes in frustration. "Okay, so there is a little more than sex."
Leigh continued to babble to herself. "So what if she loves me?" She shrugged ruthlessly, as though that didn’t matter at all. As though she didn’t matter at all. "That happens sometimes. It’s not my fault." Her eyes welled with unexpected tears. "I didn’t encourage it." She swallowed hard, her throat closing.
She swung back around and looked through the darkened hotel suite toward the kitchen. "Dammit! I don’t even have any more glasses to break." Leigh’s tone vacillated wildly between anger and panic. "I’m down to coffee mugs and I hate cleaning up ceramic!" She gave a passing thought to trying dishes but decided her bill this month was already going to be ridiculous. Maybe they won’t notice the dents in the living room wall. Maybe she’ll forget about what she said. Maybe I will. And about how I feel when I’m with her. Argh!
Dejected, Leigh turned back around and leaned against the railing. What am I going to do? What do I want to do? Her mind mocked her with the answer. She wanted to pack her bags and slink out into the night like the skunk that she really was. Jump in her red truck, even if her mother was still plastered naked on its side, and drive east just as fast as those eighteen wheels could take her. But just the thought caused her stomach to drop.
Her hand snaked out from behind the blanket, and she wiped her eyes, the cold spring breeze already drying her cheeks. "Or, I could not run away, march back into the suite and take things one day at a time with RJ. I could have a relationship like a normal person. So what if I’ve never been able to do it before?" Leigh scowled. Everything doesn’t have to be neat and easy. "I could be a real girlfriend." There was a long pause, where all she heard was the sound of her own heart and the whistling of the wind. Her shoulders sagged and her eyes turned downward. "Yeah," she snorted, "like the odds of me not screwing that up aren’t a gazillion to one."
"Screwing what up?"
Leigh whirled around to find RJ standing in the doorway, her body silhouetted by soft moonlight. She was wrapped in a thin sheet and already shivering. "What are you doing out here?" Leigh asked, her voice tight with emotion.
RJ put one hand on her hip and spoke in a motherly tone. "The real question is why are you standing out in this wind? You’re going to catch your death." But despite her words, and without the smallest bit of hesitation, she stepped out onto the porch to join her friend.
"I’m just thinking out loud," Leigh announced quietly, looking down at her toes. "I spend a lot time alone in the truck and unless I want to get on the radio it's just me for company."
A pained expression worked its way onto RJ’s face.
Leigh shrugged. "So, I talk to myself. It’s nothing to worry about. I’m not cracked or anything." Flustered, she peeked up at RJ from behind pale lashes. "It’s not so strange." At least not to me. Her eyes darted away again as she fumbled for a quick change of subject. "Did I wake you? I … ah … I didn’t think I was mumbling that loud."
"You didn’t wake me." It was mostly true. The cool, empty space next to her in bed was what woke her. RJ had discovered over the past few days that she liked having a bedmate; it struck a chord somewhere deep inside her, soothing a place she hadn’t even known existed. At night she was already reaching out for Leigh’s presence. And that was a dangerous thing. But her mind simply refused to go there. Not tonight. Not yet.
"You’re cold?" Leigh announced. Without thought, she opened her blanket, inviting RJ to step forward into its comfort and warmth.
The chilly sheet that was wrapped around RJ tickled the blonde’s chest for just a second before RJ let it fall to the ground and returned Leigh’s tender embrace. Blue eyes fluttered shut as their bodies came together in an explosion of sensation. God, I don’t think I can stop myself with you, RJ. I think it’s too late to even try.
The taller woman sighed and her voice dropped. "Leigh," she growled, loving the feeling of their bodies nestled tightly together. She pressed her face against Leigh’s head, her breath lightly scattering the tousled golden locks resting against her lips. "This is so nice."
Leigh nodded, helpless to do anything but agree. "It is." She leaned forward a little and kissed the lightly freckled skin on RJ's throat, feeling the wildly fluttering pulse against her mouth. "Mmm …" Greedily, Leigh drew in a deep breath, burying her nose in the crook of RJ’s neck. "You smell so damn good." How can I want you this badly? I shouldn’t need you like this. But Leigh pushed away any thought that didn’t revolve around the here and now, wanting to drown in the sensation of RJ melting in her arms. Of holding and being held, needing and being needed.
RJ sucked in a quick breath at the feeling of soft lips against her cool skin. She reached up and threaded her fingers in Leigh’s thick golden hair, tilting the smaller woman’s head way back, bracing her with her other arm. She peered into Leigh’s eyes and saw her own rising passion mirrored back at her.
The world around them began to fade away.
RJ ducked her head and their lips meet in a deep, languid kiss that stole her breath away.
Leigh groaned softly as she felt her position adjusted by RJ so that she was leaning against the balcony railing. She was still holding the blanket around herself and her lover, her breasts nestled firmly beneath RJ’s. Their lips barely separated. "Do you want this?" For a moment Leigh wasn’t sure whether she asked the question out loud or merely thought the words or whether she meant much more than necking on the balcony.
The taller woman’s hands slid down Leigh’s back to capture firm buttocks. She drew their bodies closer together and her lips slid to Leigh’s ear where she gently traced its wind-chilled edge with her tongue. Fire raced through her veins as the weight of her own arousal came crashing on her. "Yes," she whispered harshly, drawing the delicate earlobe into her mouth and sucking, earning a tiny gasp. Dropping her head further, she indulged in her lover’s tender throat, unable to stop her teeth from closing gently around a sensitive fold of skin. "Yes, I want this."
Leigh moaned, very aware of the increasing moisture between her legs and the firm nipples that slid lightly across her chest every time RJ took a breath. Her skin tingled in the wake of RJ’s touch and her heart began beating faster. She wanted to bring RJ’s lips back to hers, but she couldn’t move her hands without exposing RJ’s naked body to the cold night air. It took her several seconds of mounting frustration before she realized she could simply ask. Her tongue appeared and moistened her lips. "Kiss me on the mouth, RJ."
RJ’s head snapped up and she crushed her mouth against Leigh’s, responding instantly to the desire and desperation in the plea. Hot and wet, their tongues swirled around each other, warring for dominance in a demanding, primal kiss.
Panting, RJ sank to her knees, allowing them to rest on the sheet still pooled beneath her. There was a shifting of movement and shadows before her world went black and she was completely engulfed by the blanket as Leigh’s arms moved with her, covering her, though she was far from cold. The fragrance of Leigh’s skin and sweat and arousal was stronger he
re, and she moaned as it washed over her senses. "Leigh," she breathed thickly. She had been so wrong before, for all these years.
This was heaven.
She kissed the soft underside of a breast, barely touching the skin, its salty dampness sending a flood of heated blood low in her belly. Nipping and licking she drew a stream of incomprehensible sounds from Leigh’s throat.
Leigh closed her eyes as the sensation sent a shot of pure, pulsing desire to her groin. She felt as though she was being devoured. When lips closed around her nipple and bit softly, giving it a firm tug, she groaned loudly, and eyes dilated by arousal snapped wide. "God, yes," she hissed, giving in to the urge to pull RJ’s head closer, feeling silky, thick hair tangle with her fingers as she tried to maintain her grip on the blanket. She was already feeling the first stirrings of climax and they had barely begun. What is she doing to me?
Deciding she would die if she had to go another second without touching RJ, Leigh grasped the ends of the blanket in one hand. Its edges were barely hanging on her shoulders as she raked her fingers through RJ’s silken tresses, caressing her scalp.
The gentle movement caused RJ to stop what she was doing and look up just as Leigh lowered the blanket, dropping it from her shoulders to her biceps and shifting so that RJ’s head was once again exposed to the night’s breeze. Their gazes locked and Leigh could read every emotion on RJ’s startlingly open face, every thought and desire. It was love, staring unflinchingly up at her, begging her to respond in kind and tugging at her spirit. Leigh’s heart clenched painfully and she found herself helpless under its spell. Her spell. She opened her mouth to say something, but no words would come. She blinked and was suddenly looking at RJ through a haze of shimmering tears.
Leigh gently cupped RJ’s chin and, with a tiny tug, sent her rising to her feet. The blanket nearly slipped from her grasp, but she caught it just as they moved back into a loose embrace.