by Meg Cabot
"You know, Mia," Principal Gupta said, "I bet if you took the time to get to know Lana you’d find that she’s really a very nice girl. A girl just like you."
Right. Just like me.
I was so upset, I actually told Grandmère all about it at our vocabulary lesson. She was surprisingly sympathetic.
"When I was a girl your age," Grandmère said, "there was a girl just like this Lana at my school. Her name was Genevieve. She sat behind me in Geography. Genevieve would take the end of my braid and dip it in her inkwell, so that when I stood up I got ink all over my dress. But the teacher would never believe me that Genevieve did it on purpose."
"Really?" I was kind of impressed. That Genevieve had some guts. I never met anyone who’d try to dis my grandmother. "What did you do?"
Grandmère let out this evil laugh. "Oh, nothing."
There is no way she did nothing to Genevieve. Not with a laugh like that. But no matter how hard I pestered her, Grandmère wouldn’t tell me what she did to get back at Genevieve. I’m kind of thinking maybe she killed her.
Well? It could happen.
But I guess I shouldn’t have pestered Grandmère so hard, because to shut me up she gave me a quiz! I’m not kidding!
It was really hard, too. I’ve stapled it in here, since I got a 98. Grandmère says I’ve really come a long way since we started.
Grandmère’s Test
In a restaurant, what does one do with one’s napkin when one rises to go to the powder room?
If it’s a four-star restaurant, hand it to the waiter who rushes over to help you with your chair. If it’s a normal place, and no waiter rushes over, leave your napkin on your empty chair.
Under what circumstances is it acceptable to apply lipstick in public?
Never.
What are the characteristics of capitalism?
Private ownership of the means of production and distribution, and the exchange of goods based on the operations of the market.
What is the appropriate reply to make to a man who says he loves you?
Thank you. You are very kind.
What did Marx consider to be the contradiction in capitalism?
The value of any commodity is determined by the amount of labor needed to produce it. In denying workers the value of what they have produced, the capitalists are undermining their own economic system.
White shoes are unacceptable . . . .
At funerals, after Labor Day, before Memorial Day, and anywhere there might be horses.
Describe an oligarchy.
Small group exercises control for generally corrupt purposes.
Describe a Sidecar.
1/3 lemon juice, 1/3 Cointreau, 1/3 brandy shaken well with ice, strained before serving.
The only one I missed was the one about what to say to a man when he tells you he loves you. It turns out you aren’t supposed to say thank you.
Not, of course, that this will ever happen to me. But Grandmère says I might be surprised someday.
I wish!
Tuesday, October 14, Homeroom
No Lilly again this morning. Not that I expected there to be. But I made Lars stop at her place anyway, just in case maybe she wanted to be friends again. I mean, she could have seen how assertive I was with Lana and decided she was wrong to criticize me so much.
But I guess not.
The funny thing is, when Lars was dropping me off at school, Tina Hakim Baba’s chauffeur was dropping her off, too. We sort of smiled at each other, then walked into school together, her bodyguard behind us. Tina said she wanted to thank me for what I had done yesterday. She said she told her parents about it, and that they want me to come over for dinner Friday night.
"And maybe," Tina asked, all shyly, "you could spend the night after, if you wanted."
I said, "Okay." I mostly said it because I feel sorry for Tina, since she doesn’t have any other friends, because everybody thinks she’s so weird, with the bodyguard and all. I also said it because I heard she has a fountain in her house, just like Donald Trump, and I wanted to see if that was true.
And I kind of like her, too. She’s nice to me.
It’s nice to have somebody be nice to you.
I HAVE GOT TO
1. Stop waiting for the phone to ring (Lilly is NOT going to call; neither is Josh Richter)
2. Make more friends
3. Have more self-confidence
4. Stop biting my fake fingernails
5. Start acting more:
A. Responsible
B. Adult
C. Mature
6. Be happier
7. Achieve self-actualization
8. Buy:
trash bags
napkins
conditioner
tuna
toilet paper!!!!
More Tuesday, Algebra
Oh my God. I can’t even believe this. But it must be true, since Shameeka just told me.
Lilly has a date to the Cultural Diversity Dance this weekend.
Lilly has a date. Even Lilly has a date. I thought all the boys in our school were terrified of Lilly.
But there’s one boy who’s not:
Boris Pelkowski.
AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
More Tuesday, English
No boy will ever ask me out. Ever. EVERYONE has a date to the Cultural Diversity Dance: Shameeka, Lilly, Ling Su, Tina Hakim Baba. I’m the only one not going. The ONLY ONE.
Why was I born under such an unlucky star? Why did I have to be cursed with such freakishness? Why? WHY???
I would give anything if, instead of being a five-foot-nine flat-chested princess, I could be a five-foot-six normal person with breasts.
ANYTHING.
Satire—employs humor systematically for the purpose of persuasion
Irony—counter to expectation
Parody—close imitation that exaggerates ridiculous or objectionable features
More Tuesday, French
Today in G & T, in between showing me how to carry over, Michael Moscovitz complimented me on my handling of what he called the Weinberger Incident. I was surprised he’d heard about it. He said it was all over school, about how I’d decimated Lana in front of Josh. He said, "Your locker is right next to Josh’s, isn’t it?"
I said yes it was.
He said, "That must be awkward," but I told him actually it wasn’t, since Lana seems to be avoiding that area lately, and Josh never talks to me at all, except to say, "Can I get by here?" once in a while.
I asked him if Lilly was still saying mean things about me, and he said, all taken aback, "She’s never said mean things about you. She just doesn’t understand why you blew up at her like that."
I said, "Michael, she’s always putting me down! I just couldn’t take it anymore. I have too many other problems without having friends who aren’t supportive of me."
He laughed. "What kind of problems could you have?"
Like I was too much of a kid or something to have problems!
Boy, did I straighten him out. I couldn’t exactly tell him about being the princess of Genovia, or about not having any breasts or anything, but I did remind him that I’m flunking Algebra, I have detention for a week, and I had recently woken up to find Mr. Gianini in his boxer shorts eating breakfast with my mom.
He said he guessed I did have some problems after all.
The whole time Michael and I were talking, I saw Lilly shooting us these looks from behind the poster board she was writing Ho-Gate slogans on with a big black Magic Marker. So I guess because I’m fighting with her I’m not allowed to be friends with her brother.
Or maybe she’s just sore because her boycott of Ho’s Deli is creating serious turmoil within the school. First of all, all the Asian kids have started doing their shopping exclusively at Ho’s. And why not? Because of Lilly’s campaign, now they know they can get a five-cent discount on just about anything. The other problem is that there is no other deli within walking distance. This has
caused some serious division within the ranks of the protesters. The nonsmokers want to continue the boycott, but the smokers are all for writing the Hos a stern letter and then forgetting about it. And since all the popular kids in school smoke, they aren’t honoring the boycott at all. They’re going to Ho’s just like they always did to get their Camel Lights.
When you can’t get the popular kids on your side, you have to realize it’s hopeless: Without celebrity supporters, no cause stands a chance. I mean, where would all those starving kids be without Sally Struthers?
Anyway, then Michael asked me a strange question. He went, "So, are you grounded?"
I looked at him kind of funny. "You mean for getting detention? No, of course not. My mom is totally on my side. My dad wants to sue the school."
Michael said, "Oh. Well, I was wondering because, if you aren’t busy Saturday, I thought maybe we could—"
But then Mrs. Hill came in and made us all fill out questionnaires for the Ph.D. she’s doing on urban youth violence, even though Lilly complained that we’re hardly qualified to comment, seeing as how the only youth violence any of us had ever experienced was when there was a sale on relaxed fit jeans at the Gap on Madison Avenue.
Then the bell rang, and I ran out as fast as I could. I knew what Michael was going to ask me, see. He was going to suggest we meet to go over my long division, which he says is a human tragedy. And I just didn’t think I could take it. Math? On the weekend? After spending almost every waking moment on it all week?
No, thank you.
But I didn’t want to be rude, so I left before he could ask me. Was that terrible of me?
Really, a girl can only take so much criticism on her remainders.
mamontes
tatontes
sasonses
notrenotrenos
votrevotrevos
leurleurleurs
HOMEWORK
Algebra: pg. 121, 1–57 odd only
English: ??? Ask Shameeka
World Civ: questions at end of Chapter 9
G & T: none
French: pour demain, une vignette culturelle
Biology: none
Tuesday Night
Grandmère says Tina Hakim Baba sounds like a much better friend for me than Lilly Moscovitz. But I think she is only saying that because Lilly’s parents are psychoanalysts, and it turns out Tina’s dad is this Arabian sheikh and her mom is related to the king of Sweden, so they are more appropriate for the heir to the throne of Genovia to hang out with.
The Hakim Babas are also superrich, according to my grandmother. They own about a gazillion oil wells. Grandmère told me when I go have dinner with them on Friday night, I have to bring a gift and wear my Gucci loafers. I asked Grandmère what kind of gift, and she said breakfast. She’s special-ordering it from Balducci’s and having it delivered Saturday morning.
Being a princess is hard work.
I just remembered: At lunch today Tina had a new book with her. It had a cover just like the last one, only this time the heroine was a brunette. This one was called My Secret Love, and it was about a girl from the wrong side of the tracks who falls in love with a rich boy who never notices her. Then the girl’s uncle kidnaps the boy and holds him for ransom, and she has to bathe his wounds and help him to escape and stuff, and of course he falls madly in love with her. Tina said she already read the end, and the girl gets to go and live with the rich boy’s parents after her uncle goes to jail and can no longer support her.
How come things like that don’t ever happen to me?
Wednesday, October 15, Homeroom
No Lilly again today. Lars suggested we’d make better time if we just drove straight to school and didn’t stop by her place every day. I guess he’s right.
It was really weird when we pulled up to Albert Einstein. All the people who normally hang around outside before school starts, smoking and sitting on Joe, the stone lion, were all clustered into these groups looking at something. I suppose somebody’s dad has been accused of money laundering again. Parents can be so self-centered: Before they do something illegal, they should totally stop and think about how their kids are going to feel if they get caught.
If I were Chelsea Clinton, I would change my name and move to Iceland.
I just walked right on by to show I wasn’t going to have any part in gossip. A bunch of people stared at me. I guess Michael’s right: It really has gotten around, about me stabbing Lana with that Nutty Royale. Either that or my hair was sticking up in some weird way. But I checked in the mirror in the girls’ room and it wasn’t.
A bunch of girls ran out of the bathroom giggling like crazy when I went in, though.
Sometimes I wish I lived on a desert island. Really. With nobody else around for hundreds of miles. Just me, the ocean, the sand, and a coconut tree.
And maybe a high-definition 37-inch TV with a satellite dish and a Sony PlayStation with Bandicoot, for when I get bored.
LITTLE KNOWN FACTS
1. The most commonly asked question at Albert Einstein High School is "Do you have any gum?"
2. Bees and bulls are attracted to the color red.
3. In my homeroom, it sometimes takes up to half an hour just to take attendance.
4. I miss being best friends with Lilly Moscovitz.
Later on Wednesday, Before Algebra
This totally weird thing happened. Josh Richter came up to his locker to put his Trig book away, and he said, "How you doin’?" to me as I was getting out my Algebra notebook.
I swear to God I am not making this up.
I was in such total shock, I nearly dropped my backpack. I don’t have any idea what I said to him. I think I said I was fine. I hope I said I was fine.
Why is Josh Richter speaking to me?
It must have been another one of those synaptic breakdowns, like the one he had at Bigelows.
Then Josh slammed his locker closed, looked right down into my face—he’s really tall—and said, "See you later."
Then he walked away.
It took me five minutes to stop hyperventilating.
His eyes are so blue they hurt to look at.
Wednesday, Principal Gupta’s Office
It’s over.
I’m dead.
That’s it.
Now I know what everyone was looking at outside. I know why they were whispering and giggling. I know why those girls ran out of the bathroom. I know why Josh Richter talked to me.
My picture is on the cover of the Post.
That’s right. The New York Post. Read by millions of New Yorkers daily.
Oh, yeah. I’m dead.
It’s a pretty good picture of me, actually. I guess somebody took it as I was leaving the Plaza Sunday night, after dinner with Grandmère and my dad. I’m going down the steps just outside the revolving door. I’m sort of smiling, only not at the camera. I don’t remember anybody taking my picture, but I guess somebody did.
Superimposed over the photo are the words Princess Amelia, and then in smaller letters New York’s Very Own Royal.
Great. Just great.
Mr. Gianini was the one who figured it out. He said he was walking to catch the subway to work and he saw it on the newsstand. He called my mother. My mom was taking a shower, though, and didn’t hear the phone. Mr. G left a message. But my mom never checks the machine in the morning, because everyone who knows her knows she is not a morning person, so nobody ever calls before noon. When Mr. G called again, she had already left for her studio, where she never answers the phone, because she wears a Walkman when she paints, so she can listen to Howard Stern.
So then Mr. G had no choice but to call my dad at the Plaza, which was pretty nervy of him, if you think about it. According to Mr. G, my dad blew a gasket. He told Mr. G that until he could get there, I should be sent to the principal’s office, where I would be "safe."
My dad has obviously never met Principal Gupta.
Actually, I shouldn’t say that.
She hasn’t been so bad. She showed me the paper and said, kind of sarcastically, but in a nice way, "You might have shared this with me, Mia, when I asked you the other day if everything was all right at home."
I blushed. "Well," I said, "I didn’t think anybody would believe me."
"It is," Principal Gupta said, "a bit unbelievable."
That’s what the story on page 2 of the Post said, too. FAIRY TALE COMES TRUE FOR ONE LUCKY NEW YORK KID was how the reporter, one Ms. Carol Fernandez, put it. Like I had won the lottery, or something. Like I should be happy about it.
Ms. Carol Fernandez went on at length about my mom, "the raven-haired avant-garde painter Helen Thermopolis," and about my dad, "the handsome Prince Phillipe of Genovia," who’d "successfully battled his way back from a bout of testicular cancer." Oh, thanks, Carol Fernandez, for letting all of New York know my dad’s only got one you-know-what.
Then she went on to describe me as "the statuesque beauty who is the product of Helen and Phillipe’s tempestuous whirlwind college romance."
HELLO??? CAROL FERNANDEZ, ARE YOU ON CRACK????
I am NOT a statuesque beauty. Yeah, I’m TALL. I’m way TALL. But I am no beauty. I want what Carol Fernandez has been smoking, if she thinks I’M beautiful.
No wonder everybody was laughing at me. This is SO embarrassing. I mean, really.
Oh, here comes my dad. Boy, does he look mad. . . .
More Wednesday, English
It isn’t fair.
This is totally, completely unfair.
I mean, anybody else’s dad would have let them come home. Anybody else’s dad, if his kid’s picture was on the front of the Post, would say, "Maybe you should skip school for a few days until things calm down."