“How about the art exhibit at school last spring, the one where they displayed the sketch you were submitting to the national First Art Program. Why wasn’t your mom there? Why weren’t either of your parents there?”
I shook my head instead of answering. They weren’t there because I never told them about it.
“Did you ever tell them you won?” he asked.
“Yes.” They’d found out two weeks later when the award and scholarship money came in the mail. Mom cried, and said she didn’t understand why I would hide this from them, that I should be proud of what I’d accomplished and not hide it. Dad stomped around in silence.
“How about RISD? Do they know you applied early decision there?”
“No,” I whispered. They didn’t know about my application to art school. I’d just plugged Mom’s e-mail address into the designated spot and sent it off, figuring I’d tell her and Dad if and when I got accepted.
“They didn’t do anything for you because you made it pretty clear you didn’t want their help,” Josh said as he walked toward his door. He stopped with his hand on the knob, didn’t look back as he spoke. “And as for nobody loving you, you are wrong there, too. I loved you. I would have chosen you.”
He didn’t give me a chance to respond. He just walked out. Left me sitting there staring after him, stunned and completely unable to move.
28
I hadn’t considered Josh’s feelings when I made my decision to become Maddy. I didn’t consider a whole lot of things. It’s not like I planned on becoming my sister. I just never corrected anybody when they assumed that’s who I was.
With everybody beyond thrilled that she was alive, it had seemed easier to play along.
Distantly, I heard the front door slam shut, Josh’s mother calling out after him. Knowing Josh, he was probably heading to the movie theater. He’d sneak in the exit door to watch whatever was playing, hiding out in the back row until he calmed down.
I stood up, wanting nothing more than to go with him. It didn’t matter what was playing. It wasn’t about actually watching the movie, but becoming invisible for a while. With him. But that was no longer an option for me. I had to go home, do a crappy job on my homework, then spend hours searching through fashion magazines so I could put together a Maddyesque-type outfit for school tomorrow.
I grabbed the pile of my wet clothes and toyed for half a second with the idea of putting them back on. But Josh’s clothes were soft and warm, and for once, I wanted to be comfortable.
The house was quiet, the only noise coming from the kitchen. His mother’s voice drifted over the sound of the oven timer and cupboards being opened and closed. She was talking to Josh’s dad, or trying to at least. She’d gotten his voice mail, was asking him to call Josh when he landed and to figure out what was going on.
Quietly, I made my way through the living room, hoping to avoid any contact with Mrs. Williams. I’d nearly made it out of the house unnoticed, was less than half a step from the door, when I heard her call my name.
“Maddy.” I faced her. She had the phone in one hand, a pot holder in the other. “Everything okay?”
“No,” I said. Everything was so far from okay that even I couldn’t make it work anymore.
She moved closer, nearly blocking my path.
“Sorry,” was all I could think to say.
“For what?”
I shrugged. “I didn’t know he felt that way about … about her.”
She backed away from the door and motioned for me to pass. “He’s lost so much already, Maddy. I think seeing you”—she paused, her eyes scanning me dressed in her son’s clothes—“dressed like this doesn’t help.”
I didn’t ask her to explain before I opened the door and left. I knew what she meant, knew what she was tactfully trying to tell me. Leave her son alone.
I pulled the hood of Josh’s sweatshirt tighter around my head and clutched my still-wet clothes closer to my chest. It was getting dark, and it was colder than when I first arrived. And now I had to walk home.
“What are you doing here?” Kim sounded surprised, as if I was the last person she expected to see at Josh’s house. Made sense, I guess. Ella was the one who practically lived here, not Maddy, and, well, Ella was dead.
“Nothing, just leaving,” I said.
Kim walked around the small fence that separated her yard from Josh’s. “You don’t have to. I was just coming over to see if Josh wanted to hang out. You are welcome to stay. I mean, I know you probably have other things to do and Josh was Ella’s friend not yours, but…”
I looked up and saw Josh standing there. Apparently I’d been wrong. He hadn’t headed for the movies like I’d assumed. He was planning on spending time with Kim. I couldn’t help but laugh. Back when I was Ella, I wouldn’t have given Kim the time of day. She was jealous, and immature, and hung on Josh like a puppy to a mangled chew toy. I didn’t get Josh’s attraction to her. She was a sophomore without an ounce of artistic talent. Seriously, her idea of anime was The Lion King.
Plus, he loved me, not her. He’d just said so in his room.
Yeah, Ella would’ve ignored her, but I wasn’t Ella anymore. I was Maddy.
Josh saw the resolve in my eyes and instantly knew what I was thinking. “Don’t,” he warned.
My eyes met his and a thousand unspoken words passed between us. There was an I meant what I said upstairs, and an I’ll help you figure this out, and a final Please, not in front of her.
Kim watched, her face falling as she witnessed a connection she would never have with Josh. For a second, I felt bad for her. She saw it, saw that no matter what she did or how hard she tried, she could never hold him like I did. Even if I was dead, Josh belonged to me.
I nodded in Josh’s direction and kept my mouth shut as I turned to walk away. It was the safest thing to do … the only thing to do.
“Wait,” Josh said. “Let me get my keys, and I’ll drive you home.”
“No.” I wanted to walk, needed to be alone to think things through before I had to answer any more of his questions.
I kept my eyes focused on the ground, ignoring Kim and Josh’s arguing. He wanted to give me a ride, or at the very least walk me home. She thought Josh should call Alex so that he could pick me up. I didn’t bother to tell her that Alex was the last person Josh wanted to see right now. Kim even offered to go get her own mother and make her drive me home.
“I’m fine,” I said, putting up a hand to stop them. “I’ll see you both tomorrow at school.”
I knew Josh was following me. I’d heard the rumble of his car behind me minutes after I left his front yard. I smiled as he sped up and passed my house the second he knew I was safely inside. I liked knowing that after everything, he was still there watching out for me.
The house was quiet when I got home. The light was on above the stove and there was a half-eaten frozen pizza on the counter next to my now-cold bowl of soup. The coffeepot was full, the sink filled with mugs. I prayed Mom was asleep. I didn’t want to answer her questions or apologize again for something I couldn’t change. And I sure didn’t want to talk about what had happened at Josh’s.
I cut through the den on my way upstairs and saw Dad sitting in the living room. In the dim light, I could see the discarded newspaper by his feet and the glass of amber liquid in his hand.
“Where’s Mom?” I asked.
“Upstairs. Asleep.”
“She okay?” I don’t know why I asked. I pretty much already knew the answer. Guess I wanted confirmation of how much she missed me—Ella—of how much they actually did care.
He shook his head and stood up, drained what was left of his drink before setting the glass down on the coffee table. “Maddy, we need to talk. You are closing yourself off. Your mom sees it. Alex sees it. I see it, and it scares us, Maddy. We can help you, but you need to let us in.”
There were so many things I wanted to say, starting with I’m sorry and I’m not Maddy. But not yet. Not now.
“I know, Dad, but not tonight,” was what I actually said.
29
As selfish as it was, I felt better the next day because I wasn’t the only one carrying around my complicated secret. Dad was gone by the time I got up, and Mom was still in bed. Probably for the best. I wasn’t sure what, if anything, I wanted to say to her yet.
The kitchen was a mess, dishes were still in the sink and the coffeepot was still sitting on the counter, the bottom ringed with black sludge. At least Bailey had taken care of what was left of the pizza. The chicken soup though … somehow he’d managed to topple the bowl onto his head. He’d licked himself clean as best he could, but he was sticky, the fur on his head matted down and littered with tiny chunks of carrots. It was unusual for Mom to leave the kitchen like this. It was unusual for her to leave anything out of place.
I picked up the empty carton of creamer and tossed it in the trash and was reaching for the dishwasher when I saw the e-mail printout. Moving an overturned mug aside, I picked up the page and swiped at the coffee stain on it. It was useless; the light brown stain was dried.
I recognized the e-mail address. It was from the department at RISD and addressed to both Mom and me.
I’d submitted the application the night Maddy died, the night I became her. I’d tried not to think about it since then. In fact, I’d nearly forgotten I’d even applied. Until now. Until the proof lay coffee-stained in my hand.
I didn’t bother to read it, forced myself not to scan the first few lines to see what it said. I just shoved the e-mail into my bag and headed out the door, not wanting to be reminded of yet another thing I had failed to do right.
School was quiet, but I’d expected that. I’d come in early to avoid Alex. He’d have questions about why I left and why I wasn’t returning his calls, and I didn’t have any answers. Or not any that didn’t involve a complicated set of lies.
I rounded the corner of the hallway and saw Josh standing there staring into his open locker. “Hey,” I said.
His eyes flicked in my direction and I walked toward him. He was the only familiar thing in my life anymore, and I wanted to be close to him.
Josh waited until I stopped next to him before he looked at me, really looked at me, then shook his head. “Back in the role, I see,” he said, and returned his attention to his locker.
I knew what he meant. I had on leather boots and skinny jeans and three layers of shirts and sweaters that were strategically placed and itched like crazy. Crap, I was even getting better at doing my makeup. Thanks to two hours of practice last night, I’d only had one mishap with the mascara this morning, but luckily it wasn’t waterproof.
“Yeah, for now,” I said.
“Forever?”
I shrugged. That was the plan.
He slammed his locker shut, not a single book in his hands. “Yeah, well, I have class, and I have to go find Kim, so whatever.”
“Wait.” I reached out and grabbed his arm. I wasn’t done talking to him. I hadn’t started talking to him. His eyes zeroed in on the hand I had locked around his arm. He didn’t flinch or try to shake me off. He stood there, hyperfocused on it.
Unsure of what to say, I let go and dropped my backpack to the floor. I unzipped it and pulled out the e-mail I’d stashed inside. “Here,” I said, and handed it to him. “I don’t know what it says. I was too scared to look.”
Josh took the paper from my hands and stared at it much the same way I had in the kitchen. I saw the slight tremor in his hands, knew that he was as anxious as I was to see what it said.
“This isn’t your e-mail address,” he said.
I pushed it back in his direction when he tried to hand it to me. “I know. It’s my mom’s. She got it yesterday and printed it off.” I left out the part about my mom not sleeping, about the circles under her eyes, the messy house, and the fact that I was quite sure she hadn’t showered or changed since yesterday. Josh liked my mom. He thought she was sweet, always cooking him food or asking to see his latest drawing. I didn’t want that to change. For either of them.
“So ask her what it says if you’re so curious.”
I took a step back at the harshness of his words. This was the plan. This was always the plan. We’d both dreamed about this since freshman year. We’d both applied early decision to the same school. We were going to open the replies together, each one reading the other’s letter. That was the deal.
“I’m not asking my mom. I’m asking you.”
He grunted something incoherent and started reading. My eyes tracked from the paper to his face, seeking any indication of what it said. I got nothing.
“Well? What does it say?” I inched forward to read it myself. He tilted the paper out of my view.
“You still planning on being Maddy?”
“What? What does that have to do with anything?”
“Answer the question. Are you still playing Maddy?”
I stared at Josh, tried to decipher the hatred behind his words. Josh and I had fought before, but this was different. This was intense. “Yeah, why?”
Josh shook his head and walked past me, stopping in front of my old locker. He smoothed the e-mail out and shoved it between the thin slots at the top.
I could get it out, but I’d have to open the locker. That hadn’t gone so well my first day back, and I wasn’t looking for a repeat performance of that spectacle. “What did you do that for?”
“Because Maddy didn’t get in.”
“Wait, you mean? Did they say no? They really said no?” I knew there was a chance, a strong possibility more likely, that I wouldn’t get into RISD, but I had kind of refused to think about that, was banking on the yes until I had definitive proof otherwise. “Did you get in?”
I watched a smug grin play across his face. It made my stomach churn.
“Yeah, I did,” he said. “Ella did, too, but there is no chance of me seeing her at RISD this fall, is there? So much for our plans.”
Ella … me … I had gotten in. And he had, too. A huge grin covered my face, and it took every ounce of control I had not to throw my arms around him and cheer.
“What are you smiling for? You buried that dream with your lie.”
No, I didn’t. I never gave up on that dream. I put it on hold. For a little bit. Crap, he was right. “No. I’ll fix this. I will.”
“Umm hmm.” Josh took a step closer, and I could see the challenge in his eyes, the challenge for me to come clean. “And how, exactly, do you plan to do that, Maddy?”
Josh’s head snapped up at the exact same time I felt two arms come around my waist. “Everything good here?” Alex asked.
Josh shrugged. “I don’t know. Ask your girlfriend.”
Alex’s hands flexed on my stomach before he pulled me against his chest. I recognized it for what it was—a protective gesture. He dropped his head down to the crook of my neck and whispered, “You okay, baby?”
There was a threat in Alex’s words, one not aimed at me, and for a brief second, I got a glimpse of what Maddy had seen in him. He always had her back. Always. I’d seen him toss a kid to the ground for looking at her funny, and I’d heard him chew out random girls in the cafeteria for commenting on something as ridiculous as her choice of shoes.
“I’m good,” I said, letting myself draw strength from the warmth of his arms. “Bad morning, that’s all.”
“Yeah … bad morning,” Josh replied. “Nothing more going on here than a bad morning.”
Alex let me go and stepped out from behind me. I could see him struggling to stay calm as he spoke to Josh. “Did I miss something here?”
“Miss something? Yeah, you could say that,” Josh said, and Alex tossed his hands out, silently asking Josh to explain. “Why didn’t you tell me she asked to see me when she woke up?”
“She was out of it, Josh. She was upset and scared. She was having a hard enough time as it was making sense out of everything. The last thing she needed was to field your questions. I wasn’t trying to hurt
you, Josh. I was trying to keep her safe.”
Josh took a step closer, tried his best to close the six-inch difference between him and his cousin. “That girl standing behind you took the one good thing I had. She took it without even thinking about what it would do to me, or her parents, or anyone else. And I want it back. I would’ve taken it that night if you’d done as she asked and called me.”
I’d never seen them fight. I’d seen the two of them hurl mean comments at each other at family gatherings, but never once had I heard them actually fight. I started to speak, to beg Josh to stop talking and walk away, but Alex waved me off.
“There is absolutely nothing she can do to change things. Nothing,” Alex said. “I’ve watched her cry herself to sleep trying to think of ways to make this better, Josh, but she can’t. None of us can.”
“You keep thinking that, Alex, and eventually maybe she’ll start believing it, too.”
Alex turned to look at me, confused as to what Josh was rattling on about. Josh had given me the perfect out, the perfect opportunity to come clean and walk away. I didn’t take it. I pretended I had no idea what he was talking about.
Alex’s entire demeanor softened. I don’t know if he saw the fine tremor overtaking my body or if he realized exactly how broken Josh was, but he laid a gentle hand on Josh’s shoulder and sighed. “I get what you have lost. I do. But she’s already apologized, Josh. What more do you want from her?”
Josh shook his head, the anger I saw coursing through his eyes morphing into defeat. “I want nothing from her.” He took a step sideways so he was looking squarely at me, speaking only to me. “But just because you apologized, doesn’t mean I have to forgive you.”
30
Alex waited until Josh was out of sight and our nosy classmates had gone back to their morning rituals before he grabbed my arm and towed me down the hall. There was a little alcove where an old water fountain used to be. He pushed me into it and scanned the hall to make sure no one was listening before he spoke.
The Secrets We Keep Page 14