by Sosie Frost
“Granna.” I exhaled. “He’s engaged.”
“If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be.” She winked. “And a lot of things are meant for you.”
“Right. It’s one big fairy tale.”
“With that man, it just might be.”
“Come on.” I rolled my eyes. “I’m only friends with Shepard.”
I stumbled. My fingers curled over the stroller.
My head pulsed like it’d split open.
The knock came quietly. Late at night.
I closed the textbook, marking my place in the chemistry notes with my pencil. I hadn’t read a single line. Couldn’t.
Not after what he said.
Not after that kiss.
I opened the door, leaning against the frame. He was still in his uniform. His voice low.
“It’s over,” Shepard said. “I called it off. Told her…I couldn’t marry her.”
“And you think that makes this okay?” I whispered. “I won’t be responsible for breaking up a relationship.”
“You didn’t break this up.” He reached for me. Why did I lean into his touch? “I wasn’t in love with her.”
“Who are you in love with?”
“I can sign a confession right now.” His lips met mine. “Or I can prove it to you, Evie.”
The tears rolled over my cheeks. I held my breath.
It didn’t help.
“Evie.” His pounding knocks would shatter my door. “I’m sorry!”
It didn’t matter what he said. Didn’t matter what he promised to do.
Didn’t even matter that he swore it wasn’t his fault.
I spoke through the door, clutching my swelling tummy. I threw up again. It wouldn’t stop. This time, it wasn’t morning sickness.
“She’s dead.” Tears wetted my cheeks. “She died in custody.”
“Evie, let me come in. Let me talk to you.”
“She was arrested because of you.”
“I didn’t go over there to arrest her.”
“It doesn’t matter. She was arrested, and now she’s dead…because of you.”
Shepard swore from behind the door. He called my name.
I’d never answer him again.
I’d never speak to him again.
And if I could…I’d wipe him from my mind.
Forever.
I didn’t turn as a car screeched to a halt and parked beside me. The door slammed shut.
I knew who it was.
I had always known.
“Evie.” Shepard raced from the car. His words fired, quick and fierce. “Please. Just listen to me. Let me explain.”
My slap echoed across his cheek.
“You son of a bitch.”
20
“How could you?”
I beat at Shepard with the only arsenal I had available. The diaper bag wasn’t nearly hard enough, but I took comfort in the fact that it contained a dirty diaper wrapped up in a plastic bag.
“You lied to me!”
Shepard didn’t defend himself, but he twisted from my Winnie The Pooh styled weaponry. “Evie, I swear to God, this isn’t what I had planned.”
“No shit! Did you want a deathbed confession?” I screeched loud enough to wake the baby. “After our fiftieth wedding anniversary you’d lean over and tell me I was the one from your past all along.”
“It’s not like that.”
“What is the fiftieth present? Silver? Wood?”
“I don’t know. Gold?”
“Pretty sure it’s not betrayal.”
“Evie, you’re upset.”
“Don’t start.” I spoke through gritted teeth. “I transcended upset a couple minutes ago. Now I’m mushroom-cloud pissed. You. Lied. To. Me.”
“I didn’t know how to tell you.”
“How about—I know who you are. I know your name. I know where you’re from. I know that you’re allergic to shellfish. That might have saved me an entire night from looking like the black Angelina Jolie.”
“I’m sorry.” Shepard extended his arms. “Evie, I’ve wanted to tell you. I tried so many times.”
“Don’t fucking speak to me.” I tangled my fingers in my hair. “There is nothing you can say that would make any of this okay.”
“Let me try.”
“Six months, Shepard. For six months you let me believe I was unloved.”
“No. That’s not—”
“I told you no excuses!” I beat him again with the diaper bag. The seams split, and two jars of mooshed peas catapulted across the street. “You left me alone. I thought no one wanted me. I thought I was unlovable. I thought I was cheating on the man from my past.”
“I never considered it cheating.”
“Fan-fucking-tastic. This perverted, schizo-scheme of yours worked perfectly.”
The streets were used to fights. Most people gathered for a chance to place bets on the little rumbles. They knew to clear out if someone pulled a piece from behind their back.
I don’t think they ever saw an irate black woman smacking her white baby daddy with two fistfuls of diapers and a rattle.
“You slept with me,” I hissed. “You knew exactly what you were doing. You knew I was vulnerable. That I trusted you! And you slept with me.”
“I tried to tell you, Evie. I thought I could give you clues or tell you what I was thinking, or explain it.” His voice broke. “I can’t justify what I did.”
“No. You can’t. This is….” I held my throbbing head. The memories flooded back. One after another, not gently blossoming into existence, but machine-gunned where they belonged. My vision blurred, and I gripped the stroller to stay upright. “I finally have my memory, and now I don’t know who you are anymore.”
“I’m the same man, Evie.”
“How? I’m not even the same woman.”
“Yes, you are. That’s what’s been so amazing. You haven’t changed.”
“Then why did you?” The tears came. I didn’t acknowledge them. “It doesn’t make sense. I see you here. And you’re you. You’re the Shepard from my past—everything and nothing to me. And now you’re this man who tried to rescue me. An amazing stranger that I fell in love with. It’s like…I’m seeing double. You aren’t the same, but you are, and—”
“This isn’t how I wanted you to find out.”
“Why didn’t you try beating me across the head with a baseball bat to dislodge the memories? That would have been kinder.”
“You were hurt,” he said. “You had just given birth. The doctors said it was temporary. That it’d take a day or two and then you’d recover.”
“That’s your excuse?”
“That’s why I tried to stay away. Why I only checked on you. Why I didn’t want to burst into your life. You were dealing with so much—all alone. And I couldn’t drop that on you too. Not when you had Gretchen to worry about—”
“That’s not her name!”
“I won the coin toss!”
“You called tails after it landed!” The memory was sharp. It didn’t come easily, but it ripped from my brain and flung into my thoughts. “And her name isn’t Gretchen. Jesus Christ, Shepard. You lied to me for six months about who I was and who you were and how I got here. The least you can do is give up that name!”
Shepard eyed the growing crowd. He nodded. “You’re right. You’re absolutely right. She doesn’t have to be Gretchen. It’s okay.”
My heart hadn’t stopped palpitating. I tried to breathe. It lodged in my chest, nearly bursting to get out. Screaming did nothing. Crying only made me feel more vulnerable.
I stared at him—and I couldn’t even hate him.
How could he do this to me?
“I know I fucked up,” he said.
“Oh, big time. You better be wearing a body camera cause I want a copy of the footage showing me kicking your ass.”
He glanced over his shoulder, staring at a neighborhood that undoubtedly remembered the cop who had helped to destroy it.
>
At least he wasn’t in uniform.
Then it wouldn’t have been me he had to worry about.
“We should talk somewhere else,” he said.
“Where? Home?” I planted my feet. “You better call for backup because I am not leaving.”
“Evie, this place is dangerous.”
“You would know.”
“You want to blame me? Fine. But I told you what happened that day. I’d received a call. I had to respond. I had to take statements. That was the only reason I even talked to Granna. I didn’t have a choice.”
“And she knew you,” I said. “She let you inside because I was in love with you. She thought she could trust you!”
“And it was my partner who knocked. I wanted to talk to her on the step. He went inside. He found the weed and the gun. I tried to get us the hell out of there.”
“You did a fine job.”
“The chief promised my partner a promotion if he caught me fucking up. If I had stopped him from processing her—”
“Then you’d have only lost your job,” I said. “But that badge was too damn important to you. You let someone ruin her life to keep a paycheck.”
“I had a plan.”
“It failed!”
“I didn’t have time. She was an old woman with a bad heart. She died just as I found her counsel.”
“Don’t.”
“Evie, I deliberately mishandled the evidence. I did everything I could to interfere with the investigation—even telling the defense where to look and how to pin it on me. It would have been a mistrial. She would have gone free.”
“You expect me to believe that?” I shook my head. “You’re Shepard Novak, duckling rescuer. Since when do you tamper with evidence?”
“Since justice and fairness fucked off two blocks down the street.” He took my wrist before I turned away. “You know as well as I do what this neighborhood means. The violence. The crime. You think I wanted to destabilize it? That I’d have let Granna suffer for being the only person in this damn city to care about the people here?”
“Let go of me.”
“I did it for you. Because I knew what she meant to you. Because I wanted to help. But her heart was bad, Evie. I couldn’t do anything about that. And it kills me that I let her down.”
“You can’t make this right.”
“No. I can’t. I can’t make any of it right. Evie, everything I did was for you. I wanted to be close to you. I wanted to keep you safe. I wanted to help.”
I believed him.
That only made it worse.
“This whole time…for six months, you tried to make me fall in love with you.” I whispered. “The food. The movies. The dates. You wanted me to love you.”
“I wanted you to remember. And you were. It worked.”
“Bullshit.”
“How did you get to my house?” he asked. “I didn’t tell you the address.”
“Of course you did.”
“No. I didn’t. Deliberately. You found your way there yourself. Because you remembered, but you wouldn’t let yourself realize it.” He stared at me, his eyes just as sharp and fierce as if he interrogated a suspect. “Believe it or not, Evie, everything I did was to help you remember. I fed you your favorite foods. Brought your favorite music. Even sat through fucking Moulin Rouge because you liked it. Three times.”
“Such sacrifice.”
“I wanted to trigger your memories.”
“Don’t lie. You wanted me to yourself.” I silenced another profanity. “You wanted me to love you again. You wanted me to agree to be with you. To take back all this heartache and return to how it was.”
“I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“You tricked me.” I groaned. “You didn’t even let me try to find it out on my own. The flyers? The interview? Did you really think that I was in danger…or did you want to shield me from the truth?”
He had no answer for that.
How many times could this man break my heart?
“You let me believe this was love at first sight,” I said.
“I wanted a second chance.”
“And I want those last six months of my life back.”
“Evie—”
“I thought I lost my past. God, now I wish I never remembered it. Breaking up with you was the hardest thing I ever had to do.” My words hushed. “And now I have to do it again.”
“Don’t.”
“Shepard, I can’t be with you. Not now. Not ever.” My words trembled. “This wasn’t a romance. This was a lie. A manipulation. And now it’s just another past mistake destroying me again from the inside out.”
“Please, just let me explain.”
“There’s nothing you can say,” I whispered. “I’ll never forgive you for this.”
21
The good thing about moving back to my apartment off Bethany and Clarissa Street? I didn’t need a baby monitor to hear Clue crying.
Neither did my neighbors.
But at least the apartment was mine.
Technically it had belonged to Granna. She let me stay there for college. I thought that was kind enough. Then I received the money she left me after she died.
It wasn’t a lot, but between it and the little apartment, she set me up for everything I’d needed. An apartment near the college, and a chance to escape from the poverty and darkness of the neighborhood.
I never knew she had the means to escape when she was alive. Never expected her to leave me the money for my education. But that was her. She took care of everyone.
And she made sure those who could do good in the world were allowed to do it.
I didn’t need her money, and I didn’t want her pretty little apartment on the better side of town.
I just wanted my Granna.
And she’d have smacked me silly for daring to waste my time mourning over an old lady when there were walls to paint, a baby to raise, and a life to get in order.
It took a week, but the move was done. My fancy penthouse exchanged for a one bedroom apartment, split near the window with a pink alcove for the crib. The paint still stained the floor from where I had spilled the damn can on the day of my accident.
That had frustrated me so much that I pitched the paintbrush into the garbage and waddled to the street, searching for the ice cream truck making his rounds. That dessert delayed the completion of my project by six months.
Clue babbled from her crib. I didn’t know if she noticed a difference yet. Her world was pretty small anyway, but it felt like she searched through the bars of the crib, looking behind me for…
No. I wouldn’t think that way.
If I could survive without Shepard, so could she.
I hauled the suitcase onto my bed and flipped it open. I needed to donate most of the clothing back to the charity now. Someone else could use it more than me now—even if the clothes in my closet were awfully maternity for a woman six months past the big day.
The apartment was a mess. Stray clothes still littered the closet floor—left in the corner because I hadn’t been able to bend over and grab them. I picked up a stray dress and slip, but my fingers crashed against a banker’s box, tucked into the corner.
I knew what was in it. That didn’t stop me from torturing myself.
The lid popped off, only partially, as if whatever lingered inside would pop out. The photos didn’t move. Dozens of albums.
All of him.
My lost life.
“Okay, be serious this time.” I poked at Shepard. “I want a good picture of us…one that I can’t freeze frame from COPS.”
“Know what the word SELFIE means?” Shepard asked. “You get to take picture by yourself!”
“And when we’re old and grey and our grandkids want to see those precious moments when we started dating, I don’t want to point to a newspaper article of grandma suiting Santa up in her thong.”
Shepard grinned. “You think we’re going to have grandkids?”
&nbs
p; “Yep.”
“That means we’re going to have kids.”
“Loads of em.”
I snapped a picture of him then, his dopey smile considering the idea of a little me, a little him, and a lot of trouble.
“Does that scare you, officer?”
“Evie, I can’t imagine a family without you.”
I hadn’t chucked the damn pictures in the garbage when we first broke up. I couldn’t do it now. I turned over the box and searched through the other bits and bobbles.
A t-shirt—still smelled like him.
A spare set of keys—probably should have figured out where they went.
Movie ticket stubs from our last date—Fifty Shades of Grey. He really must have loved me.
I piled it once more into the box, shoved into the corner, and left it to be forgotten.
If that were possible.
The memories had returned to me. Most of them. Enough of them to get my life on track. They let me set up in the apartment. Search for a job. Figure out what classes I still needed for my degree.
And still, I felt empty. Like the memories loaded up my head with everything that had ripped out of my heart.
Why did I feel more alone now than when I was lost in the world?
Clue gave me the grabby hands from her crib, and I was more than willing to put off unpacking for an afternoon of cuddles. I snuggled her close and kissed her temple, settling onto the couch. She offered a slimy fist for me to nibble. I kissed it too.
“You know, Clue…” I rocked her in my lap. “Momma didn’t have a family when she was growing up.”
She buzzed and looked up at me, her curls wild and smile broad.
“I know. It’s true. My daddy was gone. My momma…well, she did what she could to put food on the table. That doesn’t make you too healthy. So she was gone early. I had a grandma though. And, for a little while, I had…”
She screeched and wiggled. One of these days she’d figure out how to crawl. Then the world wouldn’t be able to stop her.
“Anyway. That doesn’t matter. Know why?” I boinged one of her curls. She liked that. I made the noise again. “I have you. You’re my family. I never should’ve worried about trying to find my past because…you’re the only one who matters.”