by Leah Holt
Searching the closet for anything; a book, a deck of cards, a fucking game. . . Something else to stop my head from trolling old memories and lost happiness. There was nothing.
All I found were a few winter jackets and a motorcycle helmet. Closing the door, I dropped back onto the bed and let my toes dangle over the floor, brushing them back and forth aimlessly.
My heart stung as I replayed the night before. How I agreed to stay because I needed to feel him, how I deprived myself of outside air just to have his cock.
It made me sick. And in the midst of all the torment my mind was pounding with, a small piece of my heart really did feel safe.
I felt like no one could touch me here, as if it was the world that was trapped outside and not me in this room.
What if he's lying?
What if he's not trying to keep you safe?
What if. . .
No, he's not. I could see the worry all over his face.
I didn't want to think that the look in his eyes was just a trick, a ruse to keep me content and willing to stay. I wasn't going to believe my fear, I wouldn't allow myself to feel like I had been that stupid, that fucking drunk on his cock that I would disregard the entire situation and just give in.
I had to think he was right. I had to think that everything I was feeling, all the moments I thought that someone was watching me had been real, and that he was aware of it too.
How did he know? How did he sense the same darkness following me?
I didn't have a damn clue.
And I didn't care. It was worth the naive thoughts and false security if this brief second in happiness was the only one I would ever get to experience. Whatever I felt, whatever might happen, nothing was ever permanent.
And when this all ended, when he tossed me back to the wolves and went about his life as if I never existed, this happiness was one thing I could cherish.
Did that make sense? Not to most and I'm sure not to you.
But to me, it meant everything.
I couldn't remember the last time I actually smiled a real heartfelt smile before I met Cole. I couldn't remember the last time I actually felt like life was worth living and not something you just did, counting down the minutes until the heavens called you back.
Then he walked in. He gave me a gift, he gave me something back. Memories worth holding. Moments that I could look back on and relive that second in time.
My happy memories ended years ago, what I could remember was drawn up from a small well that was basically running dry. What kind of existence was I living if all my thoughts were built off sadness?
Taking my own life. . . I'd be lying if I said it hadn't ever crossed my mind at one point or another. But thinking and doing were two totally different things. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I watched that black hole gobble up my family, and it scared me to death.
If I took my life, he would win; if I let it burn me to the ground, he would win.
I would never give him that. I watched him smile when the lawyer spoke about my sister at his trial. I watched his eyes glisten like he had been gifted a present he wished for.
The man who stormed in and created a vortex in my life didn't deserve the satisfaction of my death at his hands.
My mother, while she was technically still alive; breathing, living day after day in the hell that asshole created for us; she had lost all hope. She attempted on more than one occasion to let her veins bleed dry and the air escape her lungs for the last time.
I never understood it. I knew she had been through way more than one person should ever have to experience. My father left us a few months after I was born, and she pulled through that. But she had my sister and I to take care of, so it made sense to keep going.
You know why, she was trying to go to Vanessa.
Then everything changed, she lost my sister twice. She lost her after that night and she lost her a few months later when she decided the world was just too much to handle. When Vanessa made the decision that she couldn't live with the pain of what happened, when she couldn't stand to see the scars inside and out anymore, that's when things went from horrible to just plan maddening.
My mother was never the same.
I tried not to blame her for how she felt, but I couldn't deny the small piece of me that wanted to scream in her face and remind her that she still had another child to care for.
Me.
It hurt so bad to feel like I wasn't enough to help her climb out of the pit of despair and find a reason to keep going.
She didn't see me anymore, all she could see was pain. My mother let it win, she let him win. She slit her wrists and went to sleep, expecting to never wake up again.
The first time, I was fourteen, two months after my sister died. The second time, I was sixteen. Both times I found her, basking in a pool of her own blood, barely hanging on, skin gray as clay.
It was a sight no child should ever have to see. But I did.
I always wondered if she hated me for saving her. I stole her choice to leave, I took her voice and actions and made her come back from the dead.
Was it selfish of me?
Who was I really thinking of—her or me?
I wasn't ready to lose my mother, and I accepted the blame for her anger. I just couldn't accept the hate I felt blanket me after that.
My mother never looked at me again, she never gave me a fleeting glance or uttered a single word. What else was I suppose to think?
The handle jiggled and the lock snapped open. “Hey,” he said, poking his head in the doorway first before opening it up completely.
I could see it in his eyes, he was checking first before exposing the exit. He had this look on his face, one that was curious, wary, unsure of what he'd find when he finally came home.
“Hi.” Sitting up on my elbow, I rested my head in my hand. “Thank you.” Wriggling my ankle, I smiled.
“You promised you'd stay, I hoped you were telling the truth.” Cole smiled back, a glimmer of happiness in his eyes that I was right where he left me.
“Where'd you go all day?”
“Work.” Taking a long step in, he shut the door behind him. “How was your day?”
“Boring.” Flopping onto my back, I tucked my hands beneath my head and stared at the ceiling. “I can't stay in here like this. I need more to do.”
“What do you need? I'll get you whatever I can.” Resting against the door, he folded his arms around each other and hugged his sides.
He was still feeling me out, trying to make sure I hadn't planned something while he was away.
Rolling my eyes, I giggled. “Anxious much?”
“What?” His eyes enlarged, pupils expanding like giant black saucers.
I didn't feel fear with him. Cole had locked me inside that room, but I never felt like it was malicious. His eyes were too gentle, his lips too perfect, his touch too caring.
Eyeing him with a sideways glance, I smirked. “You haven't done this before, I can tell.” Laughing, I lifted my hands to my face and picked at my nails. “I'm not going to run, I told you I'd stay and I meant it. You can relax.”
Cole's body remained stiff and tense. “Good, I'm glad you're not going to make me chase you again.” Pushing the sole of his shoe against the door, he jiggled his shoulders nervously. “Well, tell me what you need.”
“I don't know.” Playing with my hair, I teased the ends. “A TV, some books, a phone maybe?”
“TV I can do, books I can do, but a phone. . .” Pausing, his spine clicked against the wood as each vertebrae rolled up and locked into place one at a time. “I can't do that, it's not safe.”
“Not safe for me? Or not safe for you?” Squinting my eyes, I tilted my head, causing my hair to drape over my cheek. Brushing it away, I focused on my hands. I knew the answer already, he didn't have to say it. “Don't worry, I know, but you can't blame me for trying.”
His brows arched high, skin turning pale as his cheeks brightened with red patches. “
Locke. . .”
Twisting my face, I opened my eyes and watched him. There was a tone to his voice, one that made birds flutter in my stomach and dive bomb down, my heart pick up speed, my hands became clammy and warm.
He said my name as if he was about to deliver bad news. It was the same tone the doctor used when he told me my sister was gone.
“What? What's going on?”
Staring at each other for a long second, he forced a smile. “Never mind, I'll tell you later.” Lowering his head, he looked at the ground. “I brought you present.”
Scrunching my face, I needed to hear him say it again. “You what?”
“I brought you a present.”
“You brought me a present?”
“What is there a fucking echo in here?” Chuckling, he nodded his head with a soft smile. “Yes, I brought you a present. Do you want it or are we going to play this game all night?”
His smile sent a shiver through my chest and struck my heart. Cole looked so innocent, like he had just reversed in age and was a young kid again. There was a spark in his eye, a hint of excitement and playfulness like a child who made something special for someone they love.
“What is it?”
“Wait here.” Disappearing into the hall, he turned the corner to come back in, holding a box. “I think you'll like this.”
“How would you know what I like? We barely know each other.” Sitting up on the bed, I tried to figure out what was stashed inside.
What the hell did he get me?
“I know you better than you think. Here,” he said, stepping closer and holding it out. “Take it.”
Resting it on my lap, I slowly pulled back the folded flaps. Tears began to well up, falling freely over my cheeks. I wasn't going to wipe them away, there was no need. He had just solidified a small piece of himself inside my soul.
“Frito.” My cat popped his head out of the box with a loud meow, nuzzling his face up to mine. “Cole, I can't believe you went and got my cat. Why? Why did you do this?”
“I want you to stay, I want you to want to stay. I told you I'm not doing this to hurt you, Locke, and I meant that.” Walking to my side, he sat down and scratched the top of Frito's head. “I want you to trust me, like I trusted you today.”
Kissing my cat's head, I rubbed him under the chin. “You still locked me in here, you realize that right?”
“I still need to be somewhat cautious. You did bolt, you realize that right?”
I couldn't stop the smile that had permanently been etched across my face. Cole had brought me the only other thing I truly cared about. That meant something, it gave me a sliver of hope that he was being honest, that his intentions weren't meant to hurt, but to help.
“Thank you for this.”
Frito jumped out of the box and onto the floor. Walking silently across the room, he started to explore.
Cole rubbed his hands over the top of his thighs, curling his long, thick fingers into the outside of his legs. “I'm glad you're happy, that's all I want.”
My heart skipped like a stone across water, but it never plunged down, it never dropped off the surface into the depths. I felt warm and fuzzy, tingling all over from head to toe.
“No one's ever said that to me before.” Stealing a look at his eyes, I flicked them back to my cat. It always felt like I was last, like what I wanted and needed never mattered.
When my sister passed, my heart was cut out and I died with her. I was shoved into the shadows, forgotten and destroyed. No one cared.
Reaching for my hand, he wrapped his fingers around mine. “You deserve to be happy. I wish I could change the past. Fuck, Locke, there's so much I would do differently if I could go back in time.”
What the hell does that mean?
“I don't understand. There's nothing you could do to change what happened to me. Don't burden yourself with guilt that isn't yours to carry.”
“I carry more than guilt, Locke.” His fingers swept under my chin, forcing my eyes to his. “You don't deserve to carry it alone.”
I couldn't put the pieces together, he didn't make sense. But it didn't matter to me, he could keep the pieces. I didn't want to talk about it ever again. The past was over, nothing could change it. No wish, no prayer, nothing.
“Cole, just stop. I don't know what you know about me exactly, and I don't care. That's all behind me.”
Sucking in a gulp of air, he shook his head. His mouth formed letters, but he didn't speak the silent sentence. Hanging his head, he stared at his feet. “I'm sorry, you're right. What matters is right now. You're here and nothing is going to hurt you as long as you're with me.”
Thinning my lips, I let my lids fall, lashes tickling against the skin. “Is it wrong for me to say I'm okay with that? That I haven't felt this safe in years?”
Squaring his shoulders, Cole's jaw crooked slightly. “Why would that be wrong?”
“Seriously?” My brows furrowed deep into the bridge of my nose. “Under the circumstances, I'd expect most girls would be scared out of their mind. But I'm not, because I believe you. I have to believe you.” Dropping my head into my chest, I fiddled with my fingers.
Pinching my chin, Cole tipped my face up. “You don't need to fear me, but you need to fear what's out there. That's why I brought you here, that's what I'm protecting you from.”
My eyes danced between his, reading his lips and feeling his words. There was nothing about him that said he was joking. He was determined to do what he thought he needed to.
And he was doing it for me.
Lifting my hand to his wrist, I curled my fingers tightly around his arm. No one had ever showed me such compassion, such heartfelt emotion to make sure I was alright.
I wasn't kidnapped and being held hostage so he could hurt me. I was his captive bred from good, not evil.
The concern and care captivated me as I let his gaze devour me whole. I didn't want to leave, I liked feeling like someone was on my side. I wanted to hear him say it again and again.
“Tell me again how you'll keep me safe.” Moving his hand from my chin, I pressed his palm against my cheek and snuggled into it. “I want to hear you say it, I like hearing you say it.”
His thumb stroked the curve of my jaw, massaging deeper and harder. “Nothing is going to touch you, no one will ever have the chance to hurt you. I'll kill them before I let that happen.” His free hand swept up, scooping around the other side of my face.
Cole held me protectively, as if his words were being forced out through his skin. His eyes shut as he continued to speak, his face leaned in closer, pressing his forehead against mine. “I will put you before anything else. If you need me, I'll be here, if you call for me, I'll come running. I promise you that, I promise you.”
His breath scratched down my face, rolling over my throat and swirling against my chest. This was what I always needed. I needed someone who was there for me. I needed someone to show me that I meant something, that I wasn't just the burden of a bad situation.
I needed to come alive again; mind, body, and soul.
Cole's eyes held mine, locking my muscles in place. I couldn't move without him, I couldn't breathe without him. My heart fluttered against my ribs, begging to be set free, playing a tune that only I could hear.
His lips softly grazed mine as he spoke, buzzing lightly over the tender skin. “I would die for you, Locke. You've already been to hell and back, you don't deserve to ever feel that kind of fear again. And I'm never going to let that happen.” Licking my bottom lip, Cole plucked it with his teeth.
“Why?” I asked, pushing my face deeper into his grip. “Why would you do that for me?”
“Because you're worth it.”
In one sudden jerk, his lips were on mine, kissing me passionately. His air turned into my air, feeding my lungs what they needed to survive.
And I kissed him back. I kissed him like today was my last day on earth. I kissed him like he was mine and I was his. I kissed him with ever
y feeling my body had to offer, because he earned it.
He gave to me; he gave me safety, he gave me promises that were mine and mine alone. And he did it because he thought I was worth it.
Pushing me back onto the bed, Cole's hand dug hard into my hair, tugging at the roots. His fingers clamped in tight, sending pinpricks racing down my back.
Growling under his breath, he whispered into my ear. “I'm yours and you're mine, Locke. Tell me you're mine.” Biting my lobe, he dragged the skin between his teeth.
“I'm yours, I'm all yours.”
Thrusting his hips, his hard cock slammed against my sex, rubbing my clit through the fabric. “Say it again.” He jerked forward, grinding his swelling length harder.
“I'm yours, Cole.” My back arched high, skin heating under his body.
“Always have been.” His words were more air than sound, a whisper between heavy breathing. Thrusting again, he slipped his hand down my belly and cupped my sex. “I want to feel how wet you are. Are you wet for me, Locke? Are you dripping to feel me inside you?”
Biting my bottom lip, I rubbed my pussy into his hand. My eyes hooded, turning sultry and needy the more he touched my body.
I loved how he made me feel. I loved being able to lose myself in him, in the moment. It made me feel free, like I was normal just like every other girl my age. Cole gave me the ability to forget, I needed to forget.
“Touch me, feel what you do to me.” Rolling my hips, I opened my thighs wider. His hand slipped between my panties and inner thigh. A single finger slid over my center and nudged my sensitive button.
Moaning, my head fell back hard, eyes snapping shut. “This is mine.” His finger circled my clit as he pulled my hair harder. “All of this is mine.” His hand fell free of my hair and stopped on my heart. “Even this.” His teeth found my neck and bit down.
Goosebumps broke over my skin as his words clawed up my body and into my head. What he said didn't make me uneasy or want to force him off me.
Cole was an animal staking claim on what he saw as his. He was wild and untamed, coming unhinged the more desire took hold. And it turned me on.
I couldn't explain why it made me want him more or why it forced a chill to scale my body and make my tongue ache to tell him he was right.