by Leah Holt
My mind skipped, focusing on long lost wishes and the taste of freedom I had finally found. I could see myself flying, I could feel the wind in my face and the ground disappear as I rejected gravity and demanded weightlessness.
I'm not here.
I was in the comfort of my mind, giving it permission to block out what was about to happen. I was going to die happy, not in fear, not with tears streaming down my cheeks and my heart racing inside my chest, wishing I had done things differently.
“I'm done with this, I'm done with you.” Raking his nails over my scalp, he gripped my hair and tugged me up off my back. “On your knees,” he snapped, yanking a knife from his pocket.
The silver blade sparkled under the sunlight, shining like an evil diamond. I did what he said, curling my feet under my body. Pushing my hands into the ground, I sat on my knees and kept my head held high.
He could take my life, he could end it right here; but I would not die with my face buried in my chest.
“I've thought about this moment for years, I thought about every single thing I would do to you. I was going to fuck you, I was going to choke you, then I was going to slit your throat and be done with you. But now. . .” Slipping the blade over my cheek, I felt my skin peel open as warm blood trickled down over my chin. “Now you're not so lucky. You're going to be my favorite one, I'm going to take my time. I want you to wish for death, just like I did every single day in that cell. I want you to feel what it's like to watch your life turn to ash when it's at the hand of another.”
Tilting my head, I let my eyes connect with his. “You already did that to me. What's wrong, no new tricks?”
Clenching his teeth, he grabbed my hair at my forehead and pushed my face down. “Look at me again and I cut your eyes out.”
Releasing a cool breath, I kept my eyes on the ground. This was it, this was where I'd take my last breath and finally leave this world. I was about to see my sister again, I was about to be able to rid myself of all the pain I had held onto for years.
I had nothing left. Nowhere to go, nowhere to hide. I was at his mercy and he had none to spare.
The cold edge of the blade pressed against my throat, piercing just the surface. Closing my eyes, I said goodbye to my mother, goodbye to myself and the person I had been lucky to find again after all this time.
I was going to die with no regrets. I lived my life and whatever life I had was worth every breath.
“No!” a voice shouted from behind me. “Dane don't! Let her go!”
Cole? Is that really him?
I wanted to look, but I was afraid it was just a figment of my imagination. I didn't want to risk opening my eyes and finding out it was trick. Dane's face was the last thing I wanted to be looking at when I took my final breath.
“You're too late, Cole, you can't stop this.”
Peeking out from the corner of my eye, Cole was running towards us, his hands jetting forward, waving a white flag.
“Don't do this, Dane, she doesn't deserve it. She didn't do anything wrong. Please, don't hurt her.”
Dane's head clicked as he cocked it into his shoulder. “Doesn't deserve it?” Scoffing, his lip twisted in confusion. “Are you fucking serious? She's the reason I was sent away. All of this is her fault, every last bit of it.”
“If you do, it'll be the last thing you ever get to do. You can't have her, Dane, she's not yours to take.”
“Not mine. . . She's not fucking mine?” His voice strained as he spoke, hitting high and low tones. “She got me arrested, she stole my life—our life, from us. Don't you want this too?”
“I'm not you, I never was.” Holding out his hands, Cole stepped in slowly. “I should have said something back then, when we were kids and you started robbing houses. I didn't and I should have. I could have prevented all of this if I just had.”
Growling, Dane flicked the knife up, pointing it at Cole. “How can you say that? You're my brother, is that what brothers do?”
He was telling the truth, they are brothers.
My stomach twisted, coiling up like a knotted rope, waiting for the last strand to be plucked free. Cole was Cole Sterling. I didn't want to believe it, but now I couldn't deny it.
They were brothers. They were blood.
“Prevented it? You fucking helped me. You didn't tell her how we sat outside her house? Or how you had her brush and you kept it for years?”
“I didn't keep it.”
“Fuck you, you didn't. I found it in your room, tucked away in a stupid little box in your closet like a damn teenager. You still have it, Cole, tell her, tell her how you were there too.”
His eyes flashed to mine, hovering for a second before getting torn away. And with that look, Cole took my heart and smashed it into a million pieces. This wasn't just a secret that he carried. He carried my entire past on his shoulders.
How did I not see it?
How fucking oblivious was I?
Chapter Twenty-three
Cole
“It wasn't like that, Dane, and you know it.” My palms were out, trying to soothe him, hoping to lower him off the cliff he was about to jump from.
His eyes clouded over, turning gray and milky. “Not like that. . . You really have the balls to stand there and pretend like you didn't enjoy watching her? You knew where we were, and you still chose to come with me. Don't act like I'm the bad guy. I saw the way you looked at her, I watched you steal glimpses of her that she'll never get back. We both watched, we both sat side by side, we were in it together then, and we're in it together now.”
Locke's eyes flashed, sadness and betrayal coating them in a thick layer of glass. She wanted to cry, she wanted to scream and curse and beat the ground around her.
But it wasn't because of what my brother was doing right then anymore. . . It was because of me. Because of the damage I had caused, because of all the things I should have said and never did.
Scurrying backwards on her hands and knees, she moved like an injured spider over the forest floor, trying to save what little life she had left. Her gaze widened as she swallowed hard, face cracking like a fragile piece of ivory.
The betrayal she felt spewed from her pores, stabbing me in the chest. It cut my heart in two and left it empty.
I'm sorry. Casting a gentle look, I tried to force my apology through my skin, hoping she could hear it.
A smug grin filled Dane's face as he let the knife drop to his side. “Aw, did I just screw you over? You didn't tell her any of that? Did you?” Raising his brows, his lips curved into a teasing frown. “I'm sorry, I should have let you tell her. It was wrong of me to over step, please Cole, go on. Maybe she'll feel different if you say it.”
Crooking my jaw, my teeth ground down. I had enough of his shit. He wanted to paint me as the same monster he was, he wanted her to hate me with everything she had. And that thought, that single thought mingled with raw emotions.
He was wrong.
“Stop.” Pointing at his face, I felt the anger in my chest start to grow bigger, working its way down my arms and over my legs. Every muscle sparked, expanding the sinew into tense strands that wanted to tear him apart. “You and I both know that I tried to stop you. I wanted to leave, you went anyway. I wouldn't have been there if I wasn't with you.”
A single tear fell down Locke's cheek, plopping to the ground and drying up instantly in the harsh dirt floor. I wanted to run to her and scoop her in my arms. I wanted to tell her over and over that I was sorry I hadn't protected her then, and I was sorry I hadn't protected her now.
Her face was swollen, covered in dirt and scrapes. Her fingernails were black underneath, blood smearing the back of her palm and up her wrist. She wasn't unharmed, she hadn't been spared.
Just looking at what he had done punctured my soul and left me deflated. I failed her. . . Again.
Dane lifted the knife in my direction, swirling it in the air. “I'm killing her, Cole, and you're not going to stop me.” A husky laugh exploded from hi
s mouth as he shook his head. “You didn't stop me then and you're not going to stop me now. We both know that. You don't have it in you to do it. I'm your brother, I'm family, you don't screw over your family.”
Locke shifted on her knees, allowing her eyes to stay steady on mine. She looked lost, unable to understand, unable to grasp what was unfolding before her.
“No, Dane, you're not family, you never were.” Taking another step in, I let my arms drop to my sides. “Let her go.”
His eyes slit tight, nose scrunching up. “Or what? What do you think you're going to do?”
“It's not what I'm going to do, it's what you're going to do. You can't kill her, I won't let that happen. You can use me, take out your hatred on me, Dane, not her.”
Scrubbing his jaw, his head tilted a hair as he eyed me. “You'd die for her?”
Nodding, I puffed up my chest and opened my arms. “She didn't do anything to deserve this. I did. I shouldn't have let you do what you did, I should have spoken up when I knew it was you. I should have said something when you stopped just watching and decided to take instead. I failed her, I won't fail again. Let her go.”
“You've got to be shitting me. What makes you think I'd ever exchange her for you? She got me arrested, she stood up there and told a story that got me locked up. I told her that night if she ever said anything I'd come back for her. So, here I am, taking what I should have that night in the first place.” His head rolled to look down on Locke as he dropped to his haunches and gripped her chin hard. “Your sister kept her mouth shut, she didn't say a fucking word. I was glad she killed herself, she took her testimony to the grave.” Baring his teeth, his cheeks hollowed as he bit down hard. Snapping his head in my direction, any piece of my brother that was left, vanished from his eyes. “What kind of man are you?”
“I'm the kind of man that makes things right. I'm the kind of man that's willing to give up everything for someone he loves. I'm the kind of man you'll never be.”
Flaring his nostrils, Dane lurched forward, swiping the knife through the air. Jumping back, I grabbed his wrist and held it tight. “Run, Locke! Run!”
Standing in one quick push, Locke took off, her feet hitting the ground with heavy thuds. Her back was to me, face staying straight ahead, never looking back.
Dane growled and cursed as we struggled, arms locking around each other, chests crashing hard. I was going to fight him, I was going to do everything I could to make sure she got away.
If he killed me, I'd accept my fate as long as I knew Locke was safe. My life wouldn't be worth living if she was taken from me.
Trading my life for hers, it was only right. This was my way to make up for a past I couldn't change, this was my way of her telling her I was sorry,
I was sorry I didn't fight harder when I was younger. I was sorry I didn't speak up when I heard about her sister. I was sorry for seeing the police sketch, and knowing immediately who it was and not doing anything about it.
I was sorry for all of it.
His hands clasped around my neck, yanking me into his ribs and holding me tight. “What the fuck is wrong with you?! You really want me to kill you?!” Thick fingers found their way around my throat, digging in and cutting off the air. “Fine! Today you die, Cole, and you know what?” The heat from his words scaled down my neck and raked my spine. “It changes nothing. I'm still going to kill her, I'm still going to find her and take what I deserve.”
Red became all I could see, it coated my vision in a liquid haze, stealing away my surroundings. I wouldn't allow him to ever have her.
Throwing my head back, I felt my skull connect with his face. But he didn't let me go, it only seemed to enrage him more. His grip tightened, his nails pierced the surface, and my red haze turned into a purple fog.
Scratching at his hands, I tried to peel them off my neck. But it became harder and harder to use my muscles as the oxygen grew thin and my body weakened.
The trees began to tunnel, closing in on me as air became scarce and my lungs struggled to work. Focusing on Locke's small frame as her feet kicked up dirt and her hair waved a silent goodbye, I let her freedom be my voice.
She was going to get out, she was going to get away. . . And that was all I wanted.
Closing my eyes, I took in small sips of air that crawled into my lungs, allowing me to keep going, to keep living, even if seconds were all I had left. My mind flipped through images of Locke and the short time I was able to have with her. The pictures kept turning, bringing me back years, to a time when my brother was my brother.
There were good times, there were moments to remember and laughs to embrace. Not everything was black and spoiled, not everything was rotten and tainted by the man he had become.
I was going to die thinking of the family we used to be and the only girl I ever loved.
There was no pain, there was no sadness; for all the darkness that clouded my life, happiness was what I would leave with.
THUD!
Dane's body went limp, falling to the ground like dead weight. Dropping to my knees, I took in long heaving pulls of air and held my throat.
Turning around, Locke was standing over him, holding a thick log. Her eyes were large, peering down at Dane's body as he laid motionless. “Fuck you, Asshole.” Dropping the log to the ground, she flicked her eyes up to mine.
We stared at each other without words, without voices to carve out apologies and endless cries for forgiveness.
Her hands were by her sides, open and dangling as if the weight of the world had just lifted off her shoulders. Her lip twitched, cheeks streaked in fallen tears and mud.
Sirens blared through the trees, echoing around us. And we both just stood quiet, allowing our eyes to speak the words neither one of us could say.
My apologies were heard.
Her prayers were answered.
And together we found love in tragedy.
Chapter Twenty-four
Locke
The trees flashed in red and blue as the sirens grew louder and louder. I wanted to run to him and hug him, I wanted to feel his arms wrap my body and give me the safety I needed right then.
But I didn't.
I stood with my arms hanging straight by my sides and my legs cemented to the ground like the mud was holding me in place. “Was he telling the truth? Did you really watch me all those years ago?”
His nostrils flared as his lips drew taut. Hanging his head, he sat on the ground and rested his arms on his knees.
“When I was sixteen, you and your mom were at the mall, I was sitting in the food court when you both came out of the Yarn Barn.” His eyes held mine, glazing in a memory that was old and new, real and lost in years that had passed. “I thought you were the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. I don't know if you remember, but you dropped a quarter, and I picked it up and handed it back. That was the first time, the first moment I knew there was something special about you. You looked in my eyes, your fingers brushed mine and I swear. . .” Taking a deep breath, a small smile flirted with the corner of his lip. “I swear it sent chills up my spine.”
“I remember that.” Lacing my fingers together, I nodded. “I had bought this stupid knitting kit so I could make a pillow.”
“I kept seeing you wherever I went; the grocery store, the skate park, everywhere. I wanted to talk to you so many times, and I never did. Then one night, Dane and I were out, driving around like we always did, and we saw you in a gas station. I didn't think he was going to find out where you lived, and I never thought we'd end up outside your house.” Cole's head dropped into his chest as he palmed the back of his neck. “I didn't know what he was doing, I swear I didn't. I was there one night and I made him leave. If I had known—”
“Shut up,” I said, tucking my hands into my ribs and hugging my sides. “You can't blame yourself for the choices he made. It's not your fault.”
“But it is my fault.” Kicking his toe into the dirt, he dragged it back and forth. “I led him to y
ou, I heard about what happened, I saw the sketch of his face on the news—and I did nothing.”
“Cole, he's your brother, you were a kid. Fuck, you can't blame yourself for what he did. You didn't do anything, he made his own choices, he decided. . .” My voice trailed off as the forest came alive and police officers swarmed around us, guns pointed at Dane. There were officers everywhere, coming in droves.
A broad-shouldered, older man in a suit, stepped up beside Cole and gripped his shoulder. “You alright?” Holding out his hand, he helped Cole off the ground.
“Yeah, I'm alright, thanks, Dean. Can we just have a minute?”
Nodding, he slapped his back and flicked his eyes to me. “You're a very lucky woman to have this guy looking out for you.” Looking back at Cole, he smiled. “I'm just glad you're both okay. You ended this, Cole, you just saved the lives of so many others,” he said as he started towards the crowd behind me. Turning back, he pointed a single finger at Cole, “I mean that.”
Cole smiled a half-hearted grin and watched him walk away. “Locke. . .” Stretching his arm out, he let it dangle in the air. “I'm sorry, I really am.” His eyes floated to the ground, dancing over the forest floor.
Running my hands through my hair, I took a step in. “You have my brush?”
Nodding, he wouldn't look at me. “I. . . I lost you before I had the chance to find you. Then everything happened, and you disappeared. That brush was the only thing I had left, I couldn't get rid of it.”
“I want it back, that was my favorite brush.” A playful smile teased the corner of my lip. “Do you know how many brushes I went through after that?”
His fingers swept across mine, softly tangling them together. “It's yours, you can have it.”
Taking another step in, I curled myself into his chest. “I know, because you don't need it anymore, I'm here. I'm yours, I'll always be yours. You saved me, Cole.”
His arms wrapped around my shoulders, hugging me as if I was the air he needed to survive. “I love you, Locke. I've always loved you since the first time I saw you. You're the one I've been looking for all these years, you're the one who makes me feel whole.”