by Anna Antonia
Or you just stopped feeling.
Hesitant, I rested my hand next to hers. When she didn’t move away, I carefully reached out with a pinkie. My heart kicked up, pounding away at my eardrums. Would she accept my touch or recoil?
If she did, then what? If she didn’t? The same.
Recognizing I was as nervous as a school boy, I squared my shoulders and stared straight ahead. I enfolded her hand. The warmth of Lucy’s fingers seeped through the coldness in mine.
“Sometimes it feels like life is going to be okay. More than okay. Good even. And then other days…” Her sigh said everything.
“And other days you wonder how you’ll even get out of bed much less be a decent human being.”
“Yeah. Pretty much.” Lucy squeezed my hand. “Killian, I can’t say I know exactly how you feel…but I do understand.”
“I know.”
We sat there, staring at the wall and looking bonkers to anyone having the nerve to peek in on us. But this was the most connection I’d allowed myself to have in years.
And I did it with Lucy.
Did I want to sink deep inside her warmth? Yes. God yes. But for once that impulse didn’t override everything else. Much like sex, I didn’t want this to end. Unlike sex, who I did it with mattered.
Lucy Martin mattered.
Eventually, the sun set. Orange flames danced across the white wall, rousing us both from our silence.
I’d been up for too long and fatigue finally hit me like a ton of bricks. So much so I didn’t hear Lucy until she waved her hand in front of my face.
“Hmm? What?”
“The necklace and earrings.”
“What about them?”
“I still have them here. You probably want them back. That’s why I went to your place the other day, to return them.”
Shrugging, I covered up a yawn. “Hold onto them for now.”
“I don’t feel comfortable doing that.”
“Why not?” Another yawn.
“Because of how important they are.” Lucy looked down and drew a circle on her leg. “Mr. King told me they were your mom’s.”
“I’m sure he did.” I itched to ask her about how her firing went down when I suddenly decided it wasn’t worth it. I didn’t want to talk about my humiliation. I doubted she’d want to talk about hers. “Keep them here for a bit more.”
“Aren’t you worried that they’ll get stolen?”
“You planning on pawning them? I advise you not to. You’ll only get a point or two what they’re worth.”
“I’d never do that!”
Smirking, I stretched my arms above my head. “I know you wouldn’t. Keep them safe for me, Lucy. Promise?”
“Of course.”
“Good.” Another yawn and then another.
“When’s the last time you had a good night’s rest?”
“Too long to remember.”
“Come on.”
“Where?”
“Don’t fight me.”
“Sounds ominous.”
Lucy smiled and then took me by the hand, leading me to the back of the apartment. Was it too much to hope she was going to break her vow by taking me to bed? Feminine comfort appealed greatly at the moment, but…I wouldn’t want to take Lucy like this.
Not when the stench of grief still clung to me.
She opened the door and immediately I could see this was a guest room. No sex for us tonight. It was small, sparse, but clean. Standing in the doorway, I watched while Lucy went about turning down the bed.
Such a small thing, but the care that went into it nearly broke my heart.
Why couldn’t I be whole? Why couldn’t I just accept the goodness in life without trying to twist it into something depraved?
Why wasn’t I good enough yet?
Lucy stood up and held her hand out. It wouldn’t be difficult to take that hand and kiss it. Those kisses would lead to more and then she could be splayed out across the bed with me over her. I’d give her pleasure she’d remember until her dying day…
I’m not scared.
Except I was. I didn’t want to break her and I would if I seduced her to break her code. I wouldn’t mean to damage Lucy, but it would be too late. Better for me to be decent, especially today.
Taking her hand, I let her pull me to the bed. She reached up and slid my coat off my shoulders before removing my suit jacket and vest as well. Her small fingers nimbly undid my tie and then she unbuttoned the top three buttons.
“Here. Sit down.”
I obeyed the soft command. Lucy knelt and for once I understood it wasn’t for my cock. She slipped the socks off my feet, folding them over and placing them at the end of the bed. I couldn’t help myself. I reached for her head, smoothing my palm down to the nape of her neck.
Lucy looked up, dark eyes fastened on mine. Unspoken words swam between us. We stood at the precipice where numerous paths stretched before us both. Once more the desire to connect with Lucy physically rose up insistently, above and below the waist.
I pushed that need to the side. Lucy was more than a wet pussy. She was whole in ways I wasn’t. She deserved more than having her hospitality and kindness turned against her.
Simply put—Lucy trusted me and I trusted her.
For now.
Shifting, I pulled my legs up and slid under the covers. Lemon and lavender filled my lungs. I loved the smell of her detergent and told her so.
Lucy grinned. “It’s my own recipe.”
“You’re shitting me.”
“Nope.”
Turning on my side, I asked, “How do you even have the time to make your own detergent?”
“Where there’s a will, there’s a way.”
“Yes, I’m sure.” Closing my eyes, I let out a long sigh. Truly it felt surreal to be in Lucy’s tiny apartment over the bodega, falling asleep while she sat next to me. I didn’t have to question the long-mourned memory of safety and peace this brought.
I just accepted it.
Tomorrow I’d return to the insufferable asshole I usually was. The one I had to be for my own sanity. For now, it was okay to be someone else. Just for a little bit more.
Lucy smoothed her hand over my hair before resting it on my brow. The sweetness of the gesture nearly undid me. Tears prickled behind my lids. A knot grew in my throat. My mother’s name held firm to the tip of my tongue.
I could never cry and now this flaw of mine wanted to break? Here? Now? In front of her?
It was bad enough for Lucy to have been there when I got released. Worse, for her to see Grandfather slap the shit out of me three times. But to see me cry?
Impossible.
This was ridiculous. I was a grown man who should’ve long overgrown the need for his mommy. Bitter words rooted into me, demanding I lash out at this beautiful young woman who’d inadvertently caused this pain so she’d go away and not see how weak I really was.
I behaved.
Sometimes I lashed out because the other party bored me and wouldn’t stop inflicting themselves on me. I felt little guilt for that. Besides, I always gave fair warning. It wasn’t my fault if it went unheeded.
This was different. Lashing out now would be wrong. I’d feel guilty for days if I indulged.
Maybe I wasn’t strong enough to banish my pain, but I was strong enough to be kind to Lucy. She needed to leave me to my suffering so I couldn’t hurt her.
“I want to kiss you, Lucy, but I can’t. I won’t want to stop and…I just want you to know you do matter.”
“Killian, I…I…thank you. You matter to me too—”
No. Too much. Too soon. Not enough.
“Good night, Lucy Martin. Thank you for today.”
My little goddess showed me mercy. She didn’t fight to stay or pout. Instead, she leaned over and kissed my cheek. “Rest, Killian. Take all the time you need. I’ll be in the living room for a few more hours if you need anything, okay?”
I nodded and watched her get up an
d walk out of the room. It shouldn’t have hurt as much as it did.
40
LUCY
I closed the door behind me and sagged against it. Killian’s pain broke the lock on mine. It was obvious that Theresa King was a wonderful mother, everything a boy or girl could ever wish for.
As much as I’d love to say the same—I couldn’t. My mom tried. I knew she did. She loved me too, but…she just wasn’t strong enough to handle the blows of a toxic marriage, a kid, and not a lot of options.
Or maybe it wasn’t the blows. Maybe it was the battle within that did her in.
All I knew was that watching her self-destruct, not being able to reach her no matter how I tried…maybe it wasn’t exactly like watching a parent die from cancer but it had to be close.
Bitterness, rage, and despair ate my mother alive until there was nothing left but a rotting body.
I saw the same thing in Killian. It’d taken root years before I ever met him, but I couldn’t stand it existing.
The idea of losing yet another person to that emotional wasteland…
Taking deep breaths, I forced my thumping heart to calm. I needed to center myself. I’d be of no use to anyone if I let fear control me.
I’d suffered under the weight of that emotion for too many years to count. I wasn’t going to willingly bow beneath its weight again.
Besides, Killian was a lot stronger than my mom. His arrogance would save him if nothing else.
Turning, I rested my cheek against the closed door. I felt myself become possessed by the desire to slip into bed with Killian. Not to have sex with him necessarily, but because I was afraid if I didn’t hold onto him now—I’d lose him forever.
Everything was out of control and nothing had turned out the way I wanted.
It was far too late for me to pretend I simply had a professional interest in Killian or that my infatuation was transitionary. I suspected he already knew.
My heartbeat drummed in my ears as my face grew hot.
How embarrassing! Was that why he was rather nice? Of course. He felt sorry for me. Poor little orphan crushing on a man so far out of her social league it wasn’t even funny.
Damn.
More curses pounded against my throat.
Deliberately, I took a step away from the door. Then another. On and on until I reached my tiny living room. Killian’s shoes snared my attention. I didn’t have to ask him to remove them. He did it on his own. It wasn’t a mystery to me why.
Killian noticed everything. He surely caught the scent of cleaner in the air. That action, small as it may have been, proved his natural order.
Kind. Thoughtful. Wonderful.
And not meant for you.
Tears sloshed about. I couldn’t see his shoes anymore, but I remembered. They looked right at home in my tiny foyer.
Covering my mouth with one hand, I let out a choked laugh. This was hilarious in some twisted way. Me, Lucy Martin, the girl who thought she could live happily-ever-after with her sass and independence had her wings clipped the second she started falling in love with a broken angel.
Too many times I had judged others for losing their personal power to love, lust, and all the emotions in-between. This had to be payback.
Look at you now! Not so high and mighty, are you? This is what you get for being so judgmental.
Love wasn’t supposed to start out like this, right?
But if this wasn’t love, then what was it?
Another strangled snort forced its way past my tightly pressed lips. It was yet another secret, something I didn’t understand but had to navigate through the best I could.
Wandering over to the couch, I plopped down and tried to unplug. The TV droned on as I surfed from one station to the next. Nothing caught my attention, but I kept at it. Cycling over and over again as my body progressively leaned further to the right. Until finally I slumped over, remote in hand, and fell asleep.
Only to have jerked awake a minute later, just in time to hear the door close.
“Killian?” I whispered, stumbling over and jerking it open. “Killian?” I said again while leaning over the railing. The top of his dark head kept moving further and further away from me.
Why wasn’t he answering?
“Killian!”
He left me standing on the stairs, never pausing until he reached the street door.
Killian looked up. His beautiful, beautiful face laid tragically bare for me to see regret and sadness.
“What are you doing?” I asked him, voice husky with sleep. “You’re not supposed to be up. It’s too early.”
He spared me a gentle smile. “Take care, Lucy, and don’t forget one thing. You’re a goddess. No one is above you. No one.”
With those cryptic words, he walked out.
Struck dumb, I replayed it, trying to understand why he said that to me. Killian’s kindness, his unusual restraint, all of it pointed to…oh no!
“Killian! Wait!”
I sprinted down the stairs, tearing out of the building. Killian’s SUV already pulled away. I ran after it, barefoot and yelling his name. He couldn’t be leaving me.
Not like this.
“Killian!”
I didn’t care about the rocks cutting into my feet. I didn’t care how I looked to anyone watching. I didn’t even care if Killian thought I was a lunatic as long as he stopped.
Brake lights.
Thank God!
The SUV barely came to a slow roll before Killian threw himself out of the back.
The gentle angel of before fled. A furious demon bore down on me. His arms reached out and yanked me off the ground. Killian crushed me until my ribs ached, but I hugged him back just as hard.
Face buried against my neck, he growled, “Why are you doing this to me, Lucy? I was trying to do a nice thing back there. Stop ruining it and fucking go back home!”
“No! You’re leaving me. Why?”
“I’m not.”
“You’re lying! Where are you going? Really?”
“It’s none of your business.”
Yanking my head back, I stared him down. “Wrong! You are my business, Killian King. You snuck out, leaving me as if I didn’t matter. Why?”
He glared at me, eyes so blue they pierced me straight through. “You know I can’t stay.”
“Because I won’t sleep with you?”
“That’s not what I mean. You know I can’t go back to King anymore. That life is over.”
The blood drained from my face. I never apologized. I grilled him about Gisella and then went about my way. How self-centered!
Eyes watering and nose burning from the sudden tears, I gritted out, “I didn’t tell you how sorry I am for all of this.”
“Stop, Lucy. You don’t have to apologize.”
“No! You would’ve robbed me of that, Killian, by sneaking out.”
“For a good reason.”
“I’m sorry for what happened.”
“Stop it, Lucy. Right now.”
“No, you have to let me finish. I’m so, so sorry. If I hadn’t flipped out, if I hadn’t lost my temper, you wouldn’t have lost everything that matters to you—”
Killian cut me off with a kiss. I opened to him fully, unashamed of the moans crowding my throat. He sucked my tongue, nipping my lips before consuming my very breath.
There was no doubt left in my body anymore.
I loved this man.
Intensely. Completely. Recklessly.
Who gave a damn about my vows? They were made when I was barely more than a child. I wanted Killian.
I wanted him to stay. More than that, I wanted his love. His happiness. His future.
Pulling back with a groan, I raked my hands through Killian’s hair. “Don’t go.”
He closed his eyes. “I have to.”
“No, you don’t. Stay with me.”
“Stay?”
“Go upstairs with me. Now.” When he still didn’t say anything, I took a chance and lai
d it on the line. “You have a choice, Killian. Leave and nothing changes. You go back to being alone and afraid. Or you stay and face it with help. With me.”
Killian slowly slid me down his body. I felt his hardness. It didn’t make me afraid. Instead, I wanted him more than ever.
He wouldn’t deny me. He couldn’t.
“What will you do if I stay? Will you make love to me? Will you let me tie you to your bed and fuck you until you can’t scream anymore?”
Now I was the one facing a choice. There was no doubt about how the rest of the night would proceed. Was I ready?
“Yes.”
“Will you let me take whatever I want from you?” Killian’s fingertips brushed my mouth. “Here?” His hand moved south, hovering deliciously close over the place between my legs. “Here?” He wasn’t done. “Here?”
I swallowed hard when I felt the butterfly tap across my lower back. I wasn’t ignorant to what it meant.
“Anything you want.”
Killian’s expression turned feral. “You’d let me ruin you just so you can make me stay?”
“Yes.”
“I could take it all and then leave anyways.”
Just the very idea felt like a stab to the heart. There were gambles and then there were gambles. I was willing to bet it all on Killian. He was a good man and there was no way he’d let me down.
Not now and definitely not on this day.
“You could, but you won’t.”
Killian swore under his breath. “You’ve never lacked balls, Lucy.” His slight smile twisted into something else. “You’re right. I wouldn’t. I’d stay right here, not giving a damn about tomorrow or any other day, as long as I could have you.”
Victory was a strange thing. It struck, leaving you vulnerable to defeat before you registered the first and died from the second.
“That’s why I’m leaving. I won’t take what you’re giving because I’m a Von Hügel, you see? It’s in our genes to make people suffer. I’m not strong enough to be any different.”
We stood there, inches apart physically, but growing further away with each breath.
“Oh God, Killian. Don’t you see? It doesn’t have to be this way.”