by Skyy
“You don’t just leave your damn door open for anyone to come in. What if it would have been someone besides me?”
Loyal’s and my eyes met. I felt my hands trembling. “What are you doing here?” I poured the paint I was able to catch on paper back into the can.
“Well seems like you had some shit you wanted to say at work and I knew that wasn’t the place for it so I just decided to come on over so you could say it.”
I sighed. “Loyal, it was nothing. I’m just stressed. I got a lot going on.”
“No, it’s something. You don’t just say I don’t care about your work and not mean it.” Loyal sat on my stool without taking his eyes off of me.
“Look I just didn’t realize how much work I have to do in the next weeks. Not to mention I have press and photo shoots and more and I am not done.”
“And it’s my fault you haven’t been doing your work?” Loyal crossed his arms.
“I didn’t say that.”
“But you implied it.”
“I just really need to get back on the ball. This is my dream. I can’t let it pass because I got involved with anyone.”
Loyal nodded his head. He stood up and pulled his shirt over his head. I couldn’t help but stare at his beautiful arms in his undershirt. “All right, what can I do?”
I watched him lay his shirt down as perfectly as he always did.
“Are you serious?”
“I mean I know I’m no artist but if you are just putting a coat of paint on that I think I can handle it.”
If I wasn’t watching I wouldn’t have believed it. Loyal helped me finish the second coat on the sculpture. Just like always he was very thorough, paying attention to every stoke making it the best he could. We finished the coat quickly.
I watched Loyal wash his hands in my bathroom. I couldn’t stop smiling. He actually cared enough to help me with my work. Loyal looked at me through the reflection in the mirror.
“What are you looking at?”
I didn’t know what came over me. I walked in the bathroom and stood behind him. Loyal turned around and I immediately began to unbutton his pants. He asked what I thought I was doing. I didn’t respond. I pulled his pants down and dropped to my knees.
Loyal closed his eyes as I worked my mouth around his penis. I felt him swell in my mouth. A feeling of determination swept over my body. I wanted to please him more than I’d ever wanted to please him before. My tongue rolled around his tip as my hand moved in unison with my mouth around his shaft. He put both of his hands on my head pushing me as deep as I could go. I sucked until I gagged slightly. Loyal told me to stand up. He grabbed my Pride goodie bag and headed to my bedroom.
Loyal pushed me over the side of my bed. He pulled my art smock up and pulled my boy shorts off quickly. In a moment he had a condom on and was inside of me. I bit my bottom lip as he fucked me senseless. Loyal grabbed my hair as he put one of his feet on top of my bed. My mouth dropped open as he began to pound me. This was different from the night before. There was nothing sensual or romantic. He was straight fucking me.
I couldn’t moan. I whimpered as I became his bitch. He grunted with every pound. His dick didn’t press my button; it punched it with full force causing me to let out a short screech with each touch. Loyal pulled out long enough to throw me on my back. He pushed my legs in the air and began his assault missionary style. I tried to look at him but he was in a different world. He wasn’t looking at me; he was looking through me.
I didn’t like it, but my body quickly betrayed me. I felt my whole body tensing up and the newly familiar balls forming in my stomach. This wasn’t the orgasm I had the night before. Just like his sex my orgasm hit me like a wild animal attacking its prey. My body convulsed, jerking and trembling.
Loyal ignored my orgasm as his own was on the horizon. He let out a loud growl as he came. He dropped down on top of me; the sweat from his head covered my stomach. Loyal stood up and quickly disappeared to the bathroom leaving me utterly confused, frozen in the spot he left me in.
I didn’t move. I was still dumbfounded by the assault that just happened on my body, and another part of me wondered was he coming back for a second round. To my surprise Loyal walked back to the door completely dressed as though nothing had happened. I sat up on the bed looking at him with pure confusion.
“Well I gotta bounce. I’ll talk to you later, Raynedrop.”
With a wink and smirk he was gone.
Chapter 12
I stood next to the other artists in the show while the photographer snapped picture after picture of us. Bianca stood in the background attempting to guide my movements for the shoot. I felt out of place next to the artists. They truly had a diverse group. Paulo was a Hispanic industrial designer with long dark hair. He looked like he belonged on the cover of a Harlequin romance novel with Amber, a painter with the usual beautiful blond hair and deep blue eyes. Opie was my favorite; he was a total nerd wearing bifocals and who was obviously socially awkward but made up for it in his art. Pashun was the resident hippie artist who didn’t use his real name, wore baggy clothes and long, thick locks, and seemed to never wear shoes.
They finally called for break, which was greatly appreciated. I knew I looked great but the shoes Bianca had me in were killing my feet and I was afraid to walk in them. I pulled the shoes off the moment they called for the break.
“Rayne, how are you, love?” Pashun walked over to me. It was obvious he had a thing for me. He knew I was gay but that never seemed to stop him from trying. My current situation flashed in my mind. How things could change in the course of a few months.
“Pashun, I’m great, how are you?”
He gave me a hug. I knew Bianca was cringing at the sight. She always felt like he had to be dirty because of the way he dressed. I knew him to be different. He looked like a struggling artist but was quite the opposite. Pashun had sold many paintings and was living off his own wealth in a gorgeous downtown loft he also used as his studio space.
“Great. I hear you are showing a sculpture. Nice.”
“Yeah, it just kinda came out of nowhere.”
“Things don’t appear out of nowhere; it was in you all along, mama.” He smiled.
I smiled back. He wasn’t ugly by far, which was one of the reasons he never had a problem in the area of women. Pashun was admired for his beauty and the beauty he created with his paintbrush. He also was a poet, which only made the panties drop faster for him. Even with the appeal I just wasn’t attracted to him in the way he wanted me to be.
“So are you ready for the show?” I said hoping to take the spotlight off of myself.
Pashun nodded his head. “I’m not taking this show so seriously ya know. I’d honestly rather see someone like you get the job. I thought about backing out. I don’t like the idea of art being a contest. It’s about love you know, not competition.”
Pashun placed his slender hands on my shoulders. He slowly massaged my shoulder with his hand. I wanted to laugh but held my composure.
“So you should let me roll through, Rayne, and check your work out. I’m willing to help out if you need it.”
“I’m actually great. I have one more coat to put on the sculpture and some buffing and I’m done. My paintings are all finished. But thank you.”
Pashun smiled. He slowly shook his head. “Rayne, you are so mysterious. You should let someone in sometimes. It can be liberating.”
Just then I was saved by a photographer calling Pashun’s name. He bowed his head and walked away to join the photographer and interviewer. Bianca appeared seconds after his departure with the usual frown she wore whenever she saw him.
“Ugh I thought he would never leave.” Bianca typed away on her phone. “So the photographer is going to take a few more photos of you—”
“I slept with Loyal.”
The revelation made Bianca look up from her phone. I didn’t know what came over me but I had to tell someone.
“I slept with him, it
was amazing, and I slept with him again after that, and now it’s five days later and I haven’t heard from him. Not a text, a phone call, nothing.”
Bianca threw her phone in her purse and put hands on each of my shoulders. “Okay so yeah, shocker but it’s okay. You got some ... from a man ... Okay. Okay. That’s fine. It’s normal for them not to call right after. You probably needed a little time away from him.”
“I think I made a big mistake. I let this man pretty much change everything about me. I don’t really know who I am right now. My whole life I have been gay. And now, now I don’t know what I am.”
The revelation was hard but true. Every night I sat up wondering about my life. Was I ever really gay? I knew I had loved my ex, but this feeling I had now was completely different and much more intense. I was attracted to women and never found myself attracted to men. I could feel myself becoming overcome with emotions. I felt Bianca grab my hand and pull me to the side. She turned toward me, looking directly into my face.
“Ok sweetie I love you but now is not the time for this. Yes, you got yourself in a little pickle but right now you have to be amazing artist not confused chick. So snap out of it. We will figure out your love life after you are done taking over the Memphis art scene.”
I knew she was right. I took a deep breath and sucked in the emotions trying to take over my mind at that moment. The photographer called my name for my personal shots. Bianca freshened up my makeup and in moments I was back in front of the flashing lights.
After the photo shoot, Bianca and I headed over to a local café across the street. I stared at my glass of wine while zoning in and out on the conversation Bianca was having with her fiancé. Bianca glanced up to see the vacant expression on my face. She quickly ended the conversation with her beau.
“Rayne, I personally think you are reading way too much into everything,” Bianca said as she sipped her wine.
“I just don’t know what I am supposed to be feeling. When this whole thing started I was cool. I was actually trying to make him do it when he didn’t want to. Now that it’s happened I just feel like I have opened a box I can’t close.”
“Maybe you don’t need to close it.”
I looked at the serious look on Bianca’s face. How could she be okay with what was going on with me?
“Rayne, you are the most dedicated person I know, but you never let go and have a good time. It was sex. This wasn’t supposed to be a love affair. It never was. He even told you it wasn’t. Stop trying to make this more than what it is. It is just sex.”
“With a man, Bianca.” I felt my body tensing up. “My whole identity—”
“Your identity is what? God, you gays and your labels.” Bianca rolled her eyes. “That’s the problem with you people. You can’t just let yourself be happy without there being a bloody label attached.”
Bianca paused only to allow the waitress to set our plates down. She ordered another glass of wine and waited for the waitress to walk away.
“Rayne, you are not in high school anymore or college. You don’t have to label yourself gay or straight. You are just Rayne and you can do whatever the fuck you want because you don’t owe shit to anyone or anything.”
Bianca’s face was turning red. I knew she was serious and only wanted what was best for me. However, watching the angry black girl come out of my white friend was always hilarious to me. I cracked a smile. Bianca shook her head before we both broke out into laughter.
“I swear you got some black in you somewhere.”
“I’ve been around your ass too long.” Bianca took another sip of her wine. “You are getting me all upset this afternoon.”
I put my hand on my friend’s hand. “I hear what you are saying. My brain will catch up I promise.”
I knew she was right. I didn’t owe anything to anyone. If a man made me happy then who was I to deny myself happiness because it wasn’t in the package I expected it to be in? A cool breeze swept over me causing goose bumps to appear on my arms. I felt liberated and free to do whatever I pleased, even if it was Loyal.
Chapter 13
I hadn’t been so excited to get to work in a long time. I had accomplished the impossible days before. My artwork was complete and I was ready for the show. I felt like skipping. Bianca kept me busy so that I didn’t think about Loyal or the fact that we hadn’t spoken in over a week. I’d missed two calls from him during the time but under strict restrictions from Bianca I didn’t answer. I expected him to show up at my house like he had done many times before but he never did. It was good. I needed a cleanse from him but Lord knew I missed him.
“Hey, ladies,” I said walking over to my bay. I handed white envelopes to Janice and Rosalyn as I had done to the majority of people in our department.
“Oh is this the invitation for next week?” Rosalyn asked as she opened the envelope. “Can I buy the tickets from you?”
“No, they decided just to sell at the venue. You guys are coming?”
“We wouldn’t miss it.” Janice added, “Loyal, are you going to come too?”
“I still wasn’t invited.”
I turned around to see Loyal walking toward his desk. My heart skipped a beat. He looked better than I remembered. The white shirt he was wearing seemed to hang on his muscles. I glanced down to see a motorcycle helmet in his hand. My heart started to race. I didn’t know he rode motorcycles.
“Oh shit, Loyal, you ride motorcycles?” Janice obviously was impressed too.
“Yeah, didn’t I tell you guys that?”
“No, you left that minor detail out.” I sat down at my desk. His cologne hit my nostrils alerting all the senses in my body.
“I didn’t know you would care.”
We made eye contact.
“Is that why that new girl has been hanging around here so much?” Janice took a bite of an apple she had sitting on her desk.
“Ha-ha. No, I doubt it.” Loyal looked at me
“New girl?” I turned back around in my chair. Our eyes met again.
“Sí.” Rosalyn added, “I give it five minutes before she shows up over here. She brings really good snacks though so we allow her to come over.”
Janice and Rosalyn both laughed while Loyal nodded his head. He gave me a specific look as to ignore what they were saying, but I knew it was all true.
“Well as long as she’s bringing snacks.” I laughed it off. I wondered who this new girl was and if this was the reason he hadn’t been to my house.
My coworkers were right. Before long a short, thin girl in a skintight black skirt and equally tight shirt sashayed over as though she was walking a runway instead of walking at work. My heart dropped. Unlike the others I’d seen around him this one was very beautiful. Her expensive weave almost looked like it could be real. Her makeup wasn’t over done like the majority of the women I saw and even though the clothes were tight, they fit her body like a glove.
“Hello, ladies. Oh you must be Rayne.”
Her voice was sensual too. I tried to hold my composure together as she held her hand out to shake my hand. I simply smiled and turned back to my desk to check e-mails. Through the mirror on my desk I watched her put her hand on Loyal’s shoulder before handing him a bag. He thanked her for whatever it was and she mouthed for him to check his e-mail. She walked away and Rosalyn and Janice immediately started rummaging through the bag of goodies she brought for Loyal.
My whole body was numb. I couldn’t see straight or think. I couldn’t compete with her; it was impossible and I knew it. Of course he would like her, even I would fuck her. I wanted to cry. Everything was making sense. This was why he hadn’t been to my house. He had a beautiful new body to snuggle up to. I felt my hand pulling on my shirt. Suddenly I didn’t feel comfortable in my clothes. I just wanted to go home but the day had just begun.
“Where’s my invitation?”
I felt Loyal’s hand touch my shoulder causing me to almost jump out of my skin. I turned, looking down at the floor. I coul
dn’t look at him in his face. I was afraid of what might happen if I did. I handed him a white envelope and turned back to my desk.
“Rayne?”
“I’m kinda busy.” My voice cracked. I popped my eyes open as far as they could go. I didn’t want tears to fall. I didn’t want to look weak. Loyal didn’t press me. He continued to laugh with Janice and Rosalyn, leaving me to check my e-mail.
The hours went by fast. We found ourselves left alone once the final coworker left our bay. I could feel the anxiety starting to grow. I knew we were going to have to talk at some point; I just didn’t want the time to come so fast.
“Hey.”
The familiar voice instantly irritated me. I turned to see the same girl walking back over to our section.
“What’s up?” Loyal responded in his usual calm tone.
The girl pulled Janice’s chair out and sat in it. There was no hesitation. It was obvious this was something she had done before. I tried to remain calm, focusing on my sketchpad while they talked about random things from work to working out. The girl asked him if he was going to the gym that night. Loyal calmly said he wasn’t sure.
“So you are an artist right?”
I realized that the girl was talking to me. I turned around to see her smiling at me. “Yes.”
“That’s so cool. Loyal was telling me that you were having a show soon.”
My eyes met Loyal’s. I could tell he knew I was upset. He stayed calm, just wearing a straight-faced expression.
“I love art. I might have to check that out.” She stood up. “Well it was nice meeting you. Day, I’ll talk to you later.” She touched him on his shoulder before walking away.
I spun back around toward my computer screen. I felt the room closing in on me. My heart was racing.
“Rayne.”
Before I could stop myself I whipped my chair back around. “Well at least you were nice enough to tell your new bitch about me. Nice.”
Loyal shook his head. He didn’t seem fazed by my anger at all.