After the party, I found out that Cammy had been in charge of inviting people from school. And that she’d decided to hand out “plus-one” invites, because obviously she is crazy and thought that she was inviting people to a wedding or something, instead of a twelfth birthday party. I wish she’d told me this at the time, but she didn’t. So I walked round the room, thanking everyone for coming and saying stupid stuff like, “It’s nice to see you again” (when clearly I had probably never seen them before in my life).
A few people turned up late and every time the doorbell rang I wondered which random Fortress person was going to walk into my living room next. Jessica Clark? Mr Phart? The lollipop man?!
So I was VERY pleasantly surprised when one of the latecomers was Edward!
However, I almost choked on my own tongue when Max Martin walked into my living room.
“MAX!” Mum screamed. “I’m so pleased you could make it!”
I’d been hoping she’d forgotten about the whole Max Martin-boyfriend nonsense. But obviously she hadn’t.
“Hello, Peri,” said Max in his annoyingly Max Martin-ish voice. “So sorry I couldn’t be here earlier. I had a hospital appointment about my rash.”
And then he handed me a rose.
I was unable to talk due to the fact that I had swallowed my own tongue.
I pulled my jumper sleeve over my hand a bit and carefully took the rose without touching his skin.
“Peri! Max gave you a gift,” Mum whisper-hissed. “What do you saaay?”
What DO I say? I thought. I honestly had no idea.
How about:
“Thank you very much for NOT drawing my face on this rose?”
“Why are you in my house?”
“WHAT THE FRYING PAN IS GOING ON???!!!”
“So … are you surprised, honey?” said Mum. “I invited Max specially.”
And then she started giggling.
Then Max started giggling too.
Great. Now my mum and Max Martin are BFFs.
“I have something else for you,” said Max, and then he ran out into the hall.
I probably should have known what was about to happen.
But I didn’t.
I guess I’m a glass half-full sort of person and this world is just too cruel for me.
“Could someone give me a hand with this, please? It’s heavy,” he said. And then he grinned at me through his goggles (FYI – Max Martin wears the kind of glasses that have “straps” rather than “legs”. Even though he plays no sports whatsoever).
The MINUTE Max said “this”, Cammy gripped my hand and I knew why. She was thinking the same thing I was thinking. And we were right.
“SURPRISE!” Max and Mum screamed in unison.
Max and Mum. Mum and Max. Oh God. It’s starting to sound like a “thing” now. Like they’re a team, or a couple of cute bears in a kid’s picture book.
One day, Max and Mum went for a picnic. But Max forgot his sunhat, so Mum had to make him a hat out of leaves. Max looked just like a tree. Oh, how they laughed.
Urrgh.
Anyway…
“NO!” Cammy said (a bit too loudly) when Mum helped Max into the living room with a LAAAAAARGE, wrapped square-ish gift.
I KNEW that Mum wouldn’t let me get away with not opening it in front of everyone. Plus she was visibly salivating since she obviously knew it was another “unicorn-fiasco”.
“On you go, Peri. Open it,” said Mum. “Everyone wants to see what your boyfriend has got you for your birthday.”
I’d actually lost count of how many times I’d told Mum that Max WASN’T my boyfriend. She was unbelievable.
I side-glanced at Edward as I walked towards the “gift”. He didn’t look very happy (which made me a bit happier).
“Mum, please. Max isn’t my boyfriend.”
“OK, fine, fine,” said Mum, winking at Max. Max grinned maniacally at me.
I decided to approach this situation like a “plaster-on-your-knee” incident. Quick and painful. But then it’s (almost) over.
I grabbed the wrapping paper with both hands and ripped it all off in one go.
Even though I thought I was prepared (I mean, I’d already seen one of these paintings before) I was NOT prepared for THIS.
I didn’t think it was possible, but this painting was WAY WORSE than the original.
It was like looking directly into the mind of a future serial killer.
Unicorn-me appeared to have human hands.
And a large pink diamond on its WEDDING RING FINGER!
Unicorn-Max was holding a single red rose in his weirdly morphed hand-hoof.
And to my absolute horror, we both appeared to have loads of little love hearts shooting out of our eyes, ears … and BOTTOMS!
I started to feel dizzy.
And the dizziness got worse when I noticed that there were loads of BABY UNICORNS frolicking around us.
And for some deeply disturbing reason, they all looked EXACTLY like Cammy!
Cammy looked horrified.
“Um, um, I have to nip out for a minute,” she said. And then she rushed out of the front door and ran past the living-room window. I knew she was going to check that Margaret was OK.
Even Mum’s smile flickered a bit when she saw it.
I couldn’t handle this.
“There’s NO WAY that’s going up in my room!” I shouted before I’d realised what I was saying.
I felt (slightly) guilty when Max’s eyes started to fill with water.
“I … I … I thought we had a special connection, Peri,” Max whimpered.
Special connection?! I have spoken to this person TWICE in my life.
“PERI! Look what you’ve done!” Mum yelled as she ushered Max through to the kitchen.
Everyone stood and stared at me and the painting in silence until Mum and Max reappeared.
Max had a tissue stuffed up his nose.
Mum had her arm around him.
“Max has had a nosebleed,” Mum announced solemnly. “And he’s fatally allergic to pork, cheese and white bread.”
I had no idea how these things were connected. I mean, had she tried to stop the bleeding by shoving a cheese sandwich up there or something?!
“So,” said Mum as she took Max by the hand, “if everyone could please step away from the cheese sandwiches and cocktail sausages, I’ll have to put them in the outside bin immediately. Then we can all have some lovely crackers and fruit. Won’t that be fun?”
Yes. Yes it will.
If fun means an experience similar to having your hair set on fire.
Just then Max sneezed, and blood splattered all over Mum’s cream sofa.
Mum’s smile went really tight. She let go of Max’s hand.
“OK!” said Dad, clearly sensing that Mum’s feelings towards Max had shifted. “Maria, why don’t we get this party started!”
And that’s when Mum tried to pretend that she wasn’t screaming on the inside about the blood on her couch and announced that the “fun” was about to start.
Then Dad put on some really loud music and Cara walked up and handed me three cocktail sausages (directly from her hand, no napkin required, apparently).
“Here. Take these before your mum purges the house of tastiness! Happy birthday.”
I smiled at her gratefully but before I could say anything, Edward appeared.
“Hi,” he said. “Happy birthday, Peri.”
“Thank you,” I whispered.
He handed me a small box.
I held it in my non-smuggled-sausage hand.
“Sorry about all the tape. Um, you might want to just leave it and open it later,” he said, looking a bit nervous.
He was right about the tape. He must’ve used a whole roll.
“Thanks,” I managed to say.
Before I could even consider opening it, Cara took the gift out of my hand and said she would put it with the other presents. And then it was just me and Edward. Standing in the
middle of my living room.
I was suddenly very aware of the (x 3) cocktail sausages I was still gripping in my hand. And before I knew what I was doing I’d put them in my mouth. All of them.
So of course, that’s when Edward started talking to me again.
“You know, I don’t actually play the spoons,” he said, smiling at me. “I just wanted to join your band. I thought maybe I could talk you into letting me play my guitar instead, but then Cara turned up and she was awesome.”
I just stood there staring at him, chewing all of the cocktail sausages as slowly as I could, willing myself not to choke (again).
Just then the front door slammed shut and Cammy came rushing over.
“Margaret’s fine this time. She’s totally fine,” she gasped.
“Thank goodness!” I said without thinking. (Without remembering about the sausages.)
“Excuse me,” I spluttered as I rushed off to get a napkin. Great. I’d spat sausage on myself. On my birthday. In front of Edward. I was officially the most disgusting human ever.
When I got back, Cammy was speaking to Edward. Max was there now too. He was still bleeding.
“The Spoons could DEFINITELY use a guitar player!” said Cammy, waving Cara over. I was thrilled. This was the best birthday present EVER!
“Awesome!” said Edward. “I’m an official Spoon now, I guess.”
Then Max stepped forward and opened his mouth to say something and I just KNEW that he was going to try to join the band, and that Cammy might just be mad enough to let him. But then Mum saved me. Well, sort of. She began clapping her hands and asking for everyone’s attention.
“OK, everyone! Gather round!”
“It’s time for … LANZO THE FANTASTICO!” my mum screamed.
I audibly gulped at this point.
The next three minutes were the worst of my life.
I didn’t know who this Lanzo person was, but in the three minutes it took for Mum to wrestle open the kitchen door (and moan about having asked Dad to fix it a million times) I completely and utterly tortured myself:
Some of the torturous thoughts that went through my mind in those three minutes
1 Lanzo is a clown.
2 Lanzo is a kids’ magician.
3 Lanzo is some sort of creepy ventriloquist’s dummy.
4 Lanzo is a lion who is going to eat us all alive (this was my favourite option).
And then the door opened.
The next three minutes made the previous three minutes look like a wonderland of fun:
“WELL, HELLOOOOO, BOYS AND GIRLS! I’m Lanzo the Fantasticoooo! And this is my beautiful assistant, Star!”
Cammy gasped and actually dropped her Coke on the ground.
OH. MY. GOD.
My little cousin started crying.
I looked around at everyone from school. I was somehow hoping they weren’t seeing this.
They were.
“Don’t cry, Toby,” said Mum. “It’s just Uncle Perry dressed up as a magical clown! Nothing to cry about!”
Nothing to cry about? NOTHING TO CRY ABOUT??!
My father was wearing what can only be described as a woman’s dress, and Cammy’s mum had a glittery bikini on!
I’d like to point out here that as much as I DO love my mum and am grateful for her efforts, I think it’s fair to say that you should NEVER have to have any of the following at your twelfth surprise birthday party:
1 A magical clown who’s also your dad
2 A banner that says, “You’re Almost a Teenager, My Baby Angel”
3 THE BOY YOU LIKE (due to 1 & 2)
4 Max Martin
“Now, for my first trick I shall make one of you disappear!” said Lanzo.
I cannot tell you how much I wished my dad could have made ME disappear in that moment.
“Can I have a volunteer from the audience, please?”
Nobody volunteered.
Everyone was still in shock.
Dad repeated his question.
Funnily enough, nobody volunteered.
I looked around to see some people from school were talking pictures of “Lanzo” on their phones. Great. Now my “Super-cool4kidz” birthday party would be all over the Internet and EVERYBODY at school would know just how much of a freak my dad is.
“I’ll do it!” shouted Mum.
Of course she will.
So we all just stood there as Dad put Mum into an old cardboard box and watched as “Star” put a sheet over the box and said a “magic chant”.
Then we all watched as a rather large lump “escaped” from the box and crawled really quickly into the kitchen.
“TA DA!”
Then Cammy’s mum sang a song about the Earth. And we were all given a (much deserved!) slice of Colin the Caterpillar. And then, at last, it was over.
Later that night Mum called me downstairs and asked me to sit with her on the (newly cleaned) couch. And then she said that maybe I should think about BREAKING UP with Max Martin since she felt he was a bit “high-maintenance”.
I am beginning to think that my mother might drink shampoo. It would explain so much.
I turned up at school on Monday expecting to find pictures of my dad dressed up as “creepy-woman’s-dress-wearing-Lanzo” all over the school. But thankfully there were none.
Instead of feeling relieved, this made me very nervous.
I mean, I’d definitely seen people take pictures so I guessed it was just a matter of time before they appeared.
But then Cara came over and cheered me up instantly. She said that Edward had asked her in registration when our next practice was, and that she’d told him it was today at lunch and that we’d meet him in the cafeteria.
We met Edward at the baked-potato station. He was in the middle of being served when we arrived.
“What do you think, Peri? Is the tuna too risky?” he said, then laughed and put his arm round my shoulders in the same jokey way he’d done before.
I laughed too. The dinner lady did NOT.
“Do you want a ’tato or not?” she snapped.
Edward apologised and asked if he could please have a cheese baked potato to go.
He was so charming that by the time she handed him his “tato” she was smiling. I was shocked. I’d never seen one of them do that before, ever.
That’s when I realised that I probably wasn’t the only one who liked Edward so much. He was confident, well mannered and you could tell he was also a really good guy.
“What ’bout you?” the dinner lady said to me in her “back-to-normal” way.
“Um. No thanks, I’ve got a packed lunch,” I said. The moment I said it, I wished I hadn’t. She’d clearly taken it as a personal insult.
As we headed out of the cafeteria towards the Music department, I was very aware that people were looking at us. And I knew that it was only partly because Cammy had started eating the largest piece of lettuce I had ever seen, directly from her bag. It was mostly because Edward was with us. US! (The Spoons.)
The school cafeteria suddenly felt like the largest place in the world. As we eventually reached the exit, we had to walk past the poopular table. I tried not to look because I was feeling mega-nervous, but of course I did, and caught Jessica’s eye. She looked furious.
Now, I know you’re probably thinking, “GOOD! Well done, Peri! She’s a horrible person who crowned you Ugly Pigeon and she deserves to watch you be with Edward when she likes him too. ENJOY IT!”
But I didn’t feel like that at ALL. I felt a bit like she was planning something completely embarrassing that would make Edward laugh at me and not want to join our band.
To make an awkward moment worse, Edward and Cammy burst out laughing at something Cara said while we were walking out of the door, and Edward didn’t hear Jessica say, “Hi, Edward, how are you?” And all I could think was:
Someone is going to have to pay for that. And I bet it’s me.
Our first practice together went well, though
I didn’t really feel like I was performing to the best of my ability, and I knew it was because I was holding back a little so Edward didn’t think I was weird.
Cammy and Cara on the other hand were going MAD. They sounded awesome and had managed to synchronise their percussion to almost perfection.
When Edward had said he played guitar, I had instantly expected it to be a big, flashy electric guitar, but it wasn’t. It was a battered old acoustic guitar, and he was SO good at playing it that I, somehow, felt even MORE self-conscious.
Edward seemed really interested in my keyboard, and Cammy was BEGGING me to show him the crazy song we’d come up with the other day, but I wasn’t sure he would like it, so I made an excuse and said that we should wait and show him with Margaret there too.
Edward looked a bit confused. “Who’s Margaret?” he asked. “Is she in our year?”
And that’s when I realised we hadn’t actually told Edward about the fourth member of our band.
Suddenly the best, most amazingly perfect and fabulous idea in the world seemed a teeny, tiny bit embarrassing. I watched Edward’s face closely as Cammy explained ALL about Margaret and her “abilities”, and how she would be performing live with us. And then explained that we were pretty sure she was the reincarnation of Elvis.
Edward looked at us all for a second, and for a moment I felt like I was seeing the three of us through someone else’s eyes. We were definitely crazy, weren’t we? Weirdos. Freaks. Perhaps even losers?
But then Edward grinned at me and said, “I need to meet this cat IMMEDIATELY.”
And I’ve literally NEVER been so relieved in ALL of my life. Edward was one of us!
That evening Cammy invited us all to her house for a full band practice. I was beyond excited. I felt amazing.
Cammy’s mum had broken one of her sacred fast-food rules and ordered us all pizza (I have NO idea how Cammy managed to talk her into that one) and even though it was some sort of Mediterranean pizza from the fancy restaurant down the road, I was delighted (and absolutely STARVING since I’d skipped lunch).
Petunia Perry and the Curse of the Ugly Pigeon Page 9