by Stacey Nash
My lost memories, the barrier’s effect on me, the guy who kissed me, and Joshua.
I’m not one of them and I never was.
Chapter Twenty One
Will
I slip to a corner in the large room with lab equipment, fighting people all around me, and collapse with my back against the wall and my knees against my chest.
Mae. Mae. Mae.
My focus zones in on a small tick, the muscle in my neck jumping under my skin. Suddenly, the fighting stops. The enemy all port out, just like that. Everyone lowers their weapons, exchanging wide smiles and happy expressions. My elbows flop over my knees and I sink my head into my hands. What the hell happened?
“What happened?” Lilly asks, mirroring my thoughts.
I shake my head without raising it. It stings too much to say that I failed her again. Air brushes against me as Lilly drops to her haunches. “Will?”
I can’t speak. I’m not sure I can even think.
“She was here?” Lilly asks.
“Yes,” I say with a heavy, shaking breath.
“What happened?”
“Mae …” It’s the only word I can manage.
Lilly pulls my hand off my knee. “We’re done here.”
The pressure of her hand closes around mine and we’re falling.
She didn’t know me. My stomach roils like I’ve just swallowed week old warm milk. What have they done to Mae? We slam into the hard floor of the port room, my butt thudding against the cement floor. I climb to my feet and my stomach lurches. She didn’t know who I was. Bile pushes its way up, searing my throat and I dash toward the door with my hand over my mouth to hold it in. As I run into the corridor I spot a large potted plant. Running straight to it, I pull my hand away just in time, the rancid mouthful of vomit watering the greenery. The acidic taste rubs my throat raw.
Stumbling back against the wall, I close my eyes and drag a hand through my hair. Clearly they’ve done something to her, but what? Stripped her of all her memories: the resistance, me, what else? Someone touches my arm and my vision focuses. Lilly’s muddy brown eyes, drawn into a soft frown, watch my struggle. “Are you okay?”
I still can’t speak so I nod.
“Wanna tell me about it?”
I shake my head.
“Wanna be alone?”
I shake my head again.
“Wanna hang for a bit?”
I nod.
She grabs the hand hanging by my side and twists her fingers through mine, pulling me off the wall and to my feet. With no thoughts in my mind, everything just a mushy mess, she leads me to the family room where I collapse onto a couch.
She flicks the flat screen TV on and together we watch, but the images blur into nothing. The show, the commercials, whatever, none of it matters. I don’t understand what happened, why she fought with them, and Jax … pretty sure he knew me, but I’m not sure. He saw me and grabbed her then ported them both out like he couldn’t get out of there quick enough. Sure, he was probably pissed that I kissed her, but I wouldn’t have thought it would be enough to give up a chance to escape. Maybe Lilly’s right. When I opened my eyes, we shared a dark look, Jax and I. Anger stormed across his face but under the surface something stronger played, maybe hatred. I’ll kill him if he’s done this deliberately.
Lilly scoots across the couch and wraps an arm around me. “Will, you’re shivering.”
I can’t feel it. “I am?”
She nods. Suddenly, uncontrollable shivers quake through me, maybe they were there all along. My feet feel heavy and when I glance down, I notice Ace curled around them again. It’s like the dog knows nothing is right and he wants comfort. Or maybe he’s giving it.
“Will, you’re in shock.”
I shake my head. “I’m okay.”
“Clearly you’re not.”
“She was there,” I say. “They were both there and she was fighting with them.” I clench my muscles in an attempt to stop the shaking, which doesn’t really help. My will to talk returns and with it, I feel like the words just want to dribble out. “I spun around and almost took her out with my mace before I noticed it was her.” Pausing, I swallow against the huge stabbing pain. “Lil, she looked right at me, right in my eye, and she kept fighting.”
Lilly’s mouth tightens.
“She thought I was trying to trick her.” I swallow again and it’s like a red hot poker has been thrust down my throat. “She didn’t …”
“It’s okay.” Lilly puts her hand on mine, but I have to say it anyway. I need to believe it. It was, after all, true.
“… know me.” The lump explodes into a thousand tiny shards and I feel like I’m going to implode any second.
“Oh, Will.” She throws her arms around me, placing her palms flat against my back.
“What have they done to her?”
“And Jax?” Lilly asks.
“It’s impossible to tell. I only saw him for a few moments before he ported her out.” Maybe you’re right, maybe you were all along. I don’t want to give her more reason to blame him unless I’m certain.
“He ported her out?”
“Right out of my arms.”
“Oh my gosh, Will.” She squeezes tight, her arms around me all that’s stopping me from breaking down in a very unguy-like way.
The sound of a throat clearing draws us apart to the sight of Garrett glowering from the doorway, his hand crunching a long rolled paper. It’s white and almost as long as his arm. Heck knows what it is. Lilly drops her arms from around me and shuffles back to her side of the couch, directing a grin his way. How can she can always be so fricking cheery? He walks across the room and drops into a chair opposite us, spinning the paper in his hand. His face morphs to amused, as he grins at Lilly then turns a taunting ’spill-dude’ look on me. “How was it?”
Ace climbs to his feet and gives himself a shake then meanders over to Garrett, sniffing at the paper while I watch in silence. How was what? My first active mission? Seeing the girl I’ve always loved fight with the enemy? Watching Jax—
“Take a look at him, Garrett. How do you think it was?” Lilly snaps.
“Well, when I saw him kissing her in the middle of a fight, I figured it must have been a pretty sweet reunion.”
I sink my head into my hands. That’s not what our first real kiss should have been like. It should have been passionate and wanted and not at all like that. It should have been perfect.
Lilly spins on me, her eyes wide. “You kissed her?”
“She wouldn’t believe I knew her. I had to prove it somehow.”
Lilly’s hands shoot to her mouth, both of them trying to cover the same space. “Oh my gosh.”
“What?” Garrett asks.
Pressing my palm against my forehead, I push a hand through my unruly hair. I just don’t get it.
“They’ve done something to her. She didn’t know him,” Lilly says.
Good. I don’t have to repeat the sorry truth again.
Garrett clutches the arm of the faded and worn chair, his fingers almost piercing the brown fabric. “Ah crap,” he says. “Here we go again. Just like her Dad.”
I shake my head. “It was nothing like that. He’s not who he once was. She’s everything she’s always been … yet somehow she’s not, at the same time. She was way more with it.”
His expression barely moves, like he’s forcing himself to contain it. “And Jax?”
“I don’t know.”
True to form, Lilly jumps on the anti-Jax wagon. “This is his fault. He’s taken her back there and turned her into one of them. He was never really one of us.”
Garrett shuffles in his chair. “That is not true Lilly and you know it.”
She looks him straight in the eye. “How do you know? He loves her, why wouldn’t he take her home to meet the family?”
Her words send an old ache carving through me, and I slump back against the couch. Mae loves him. It’s not the same though. She loves me too, but p
erhaps now they have time alone … It’s her choice and I have to respect it, but she’s not right. Nothing is right. There’s something wrong with her.
Garrett rises to his feet and in a single movement he’s standing an inch away, peering down at Lilly. “He’s a good person. He stopped being one of them when his father abandoned him. I don’t want to hear you speaking that filth again, or by God Lilly.”
“But—”
“No.”
“He—”
“I have to go back for her,” I mutter.
Garrett turns to me, frowning slightly. “Go back? I assumed you ported her out the minute you finished snogging her.”
I curse at my own stupidity. I should have ported her home, not kissed her. What in the hell was I thinking?
I wasn’t.
“Sit down, Garrett.” Lilly sighs. “When I found him, he was rocking in the corner then he threw up. There’s no way he could have thought to port her out.”
I hang my head in my hands once again. Lilly’s admission should be embarrassing, but damn, porting Mae out is exactly what I should have done, then taken her away from all of this. Packed her and my family up and just disappeared. The nauseous roil returns to my now empty stomach. “I have to go back for her.”
“Go back where? They aren’t at the lab anymore. They all left before us.” Now back in his chair, Garrett taps its arm, his unfocused stare on the window.
Where she’s been all along, where I should have gone instead of wasting all this time. “To their community, that’s where she is.” I jump to my feet and stride toward the door. They’re not keeping her a second longer. I’ll bring her home, and together we’ll deal with whatever caused her weird-assed behavior.
“Stop.”
I turn and Garrett’s rising with the long roll of paper in his hand. “The Collective wanted this desperately so it must be important to them. Maybe it can help us.” He twirls it around in his hand like a cheerleader’s baton. He’d look pretty stupid in cheer uniform.
“We could ransom it,” he offers.
“What is it?” Lilly makes to grab the paper, but he’s too fast, pulling it out of her reach.
“No idea. I snatched it out of Nikias Manvyke’s hot little hands.” Garrett smiles. “He wasn’t impressed, but I figure if they sent him rather than agents, it must be valuable. Manvyke wouldn’t risk his son for anything less.”
Garrett sticks this thumb under the white edge of the paper and rolls it out, revealing some sort of plan. Lilly and I both lean in to get a better look. Sketches cover the entire sheet, pencil drawn shapes marked with numbers, symbols and a few words.
Chewing the inside of my lip, I lean my shoulder against the door. “It looks like blueprints.”
“Yeah, but to what?” Lilly asks.
I scan the images again. Engines are my things, not electronics, but I know enough to recognize a few markings and this sure looks like some kind of machine. “Some type of radio transmitter … maybe.”
Garrett lets one side go, and the paper rolls back in on itself faster than I can blink. “I’ll speak to Beau about the ransom.”
“Ransom?” Lilly asks.
“We’ll ransom this for them. For Jax and Mae.”
They must have wanted the blueprints to build this … whatever this electronic device is. It’ll take a few days longer but maybe we shouldn’t give it all up. “No,” I say, “let’s build it.” I’m not sure why I want to, but something in my gut tells me this is what I must do. “Where’s Marcus?”
We find him resting in the dorm room, lying on a bed with his arm draped over his face. Not sure if he’s asleep or awake, I clear my throat.
He doesn’t move but there’s not a single reservation in Lilly’s lithe body. Her shrill voice chimes, “Marcus.”
“What?” He shoots up, looking all around. “What is it?”
“What do you make of this?” I pluck the plans out of Lilly’s hand, unroll them, and pin them flat against his bed. He slips his hand under the pillow and retrieves his glasses, pushes them on, and blinks.
“Blueprints,” he says in a thick sleepy voice.
“Obviously, but for what?” I say.
His eyes narrow. “It’s hard to tell.”
I pick it up, and the paper curls back in on itself with a schwiiip like it has a mind of its own. Using both hands, I tighten the roll and tuck it under my arm. “I want to build it.”
Marcus tugs a pair of sneakers onto his old-man-socked feet. “Okay.”
He leads us out of the dorm to another small room, only a little larger than the port room. It’s not a space for playing with tech like his workshop, but it’s similar. More like the garage where I keep all my tools and spare parts: a rough wooden bench attached to the wall with a masonite shadow board hanging behind it, tools occupying their shadow shapes. He approaches a series of crates screwed into the wall beside it and starts rifling through them. Out come electronics, wires, and other bits and pieces. I unroll the paper and lay it out on the bench, placing a spanner at either end to pin it down. Marcus and I set to work, collecting components, welding together, assembling them. Lilly slips out sometime around sunrise, excusing herself to go to bed. We don’t stop until each of the parts is perfectly placed.
Finally, it’s done, and I stand back admiring our handwork. It looks like the kind of black box they pull out of airplane wrecks but I’ve got no idea what it really is, what it does, or why they wanted it.
Chapter Twenty Two
Mae
Nik stands in the center of the Iretum mat, rising onto his toes and back down. From the edge of my vision I can see his eyes following me across the room. I force a smile for his benefit. The friendly ease I once met him with is gone now. My arms slink around my middle and my feet lift a little too high off the ground, overcompensating in an effort not to drag them as I move to his side.
This is it. Our first mission alone. Well, without our class at least. We’ve been given an assignment with real agents to sweep resistance territory, searching for contraband tech.
Now that I believe I’m not Collective, I just want to run out of here as fast as I can. I can’t figure out why I’m here when I’m not one of them and I wonder if anyone knows the truth about my memory other than Manvyke and Nik. The fact that they know, ripples fear through me in waves so big I’m drowning under their pressure. But I can’t leave. Joshua has to come with me. I’ve spent the past few days trying to sneak an opportunity to speak to him alone. If I can just tell Josh the truth of what I’ve recalled, he’ll remember too. I’m almost certain. I need to make him see he’s not one of them either, but things keep getting in the way—mostly Nik.
Nik grabs my wrist, cuffing it with his long fingers like I’m some kind of prisoner, which really, I probably am. Before I have time to react we’re teleporting with the Iretum. Only it’s not called that, it’s called a Port-all. We fall and it’s not pleasant. The sensation that I’ve done this a million times before pulls me under because it’s a good feeling, like I used to love it. Now I hate it; porting is a terrible lurching, falling, slamming sensation. And we do slam, right into the ground. Nik unsnaps his hand from my arm and it falls limp against my side. I draw a long breath, my insides aching as I look around and see where we are.
This place is heart-achingly familiar, but my memories aren’t clear. They’re hazy as if from a half-recalled dream. We’ve landed on the back lawn of an old farm house right near a vegetable garden that desperately needs weeding. Most of the plants have tall shoots with flowers atop, gone to seed. An image of a man, tending the garden every day, makes my stomach knot. I can’t quite place who he is, though.
“Come on, the tech won’t gather itself.” An edge sharpens Nik’s words.
I shake my head as if the gesture could clear the memories. Only a few days ago, I didn’t have enough. Now it’s as though I have too many, and they flood my mind with their hazy intensity. But it’s time for indifference to mask my face agai
n. I can’t let Nik see that I know, because then he’ll know for sure and … the overheard conversation between him and the councilor means it wouldn’t be good for me.
He heads out toward a faded barn, its once red paint now a dirty orange. The other two agents move in the opposite direction toward an old farmhouse. Long grass brushes against my thighs as I rush to catch up to Nik. “What exactly are we looking for?”
“Devices,” he says with a look that clearly says, ’you idiot’.
“Anything specific?”
He glances at me as we walk, his eyes flick over my face, and I feel like he’s making a decision. “Just tech devices. Any type we can find.”
His lip twitches and I wonder what he’s thinking. After a few more steps, he says, “Invisibility creating tech.”
My heart stutters though I’m not sure why. “Is that something new?”
“No, it’s ancient.”
“Oh,” I say, “it’s just that I haven’t seen anything like it before.”
He doesn’t answer, just pulls open one side of the huge double doors which lead into this barn. It’s the strangest set up for a barn I’ve ever seen. No animal stalls, no hay storage, not even that farmy-barn-smell. As we enter, sadness and loss grab my chest and push their way into my throat where they sit in a huge lump. The urge to burst into tears is so strong I spin around, looking at the space in fake awe so Nik can’t see my true expression. This place makes me feel so comfortable, like I’ve been here a million times before. I glimpse a memory so clear it’s like its actually happening right now. Josh and me sparing and wrestling on the mats in the center of the room. They’re large and square and look a little like homemade gym mats sewn out of old hessian. I knocked him to the ground and jumped on top of him, pinning him there. But he was too strong and in one movement flipped me over, pinning me. His eyes … they sparkled, green gems bright and clear, crinkling as he laughed.