“That was insanely good,” I whisper against her mouth before I drop a kiss on her chin. I move to lie beside her, pulling her into the curve of my body. “Are you okay?” I ask as I stroke her hip. I see the evidence of our love making glistening on her thigh, and know it’s probably twisted, but I lower my hand and rub it against her pubis. Yeah, I’m a bit of a caveman, but I like marking her with my cum.
She remains quiet while I do this but doesn’t seem to mind. Maybe we both need to know it’s my scent and essence on her body. “I’m good,” she answers, “the best I’ve been since…” I’m grateful she doesn’t finish her sentence; I don’t want that bastard here between us. I pull the cover over our rapidly cooling bodies and we drift off, both sated and relaxed.
I awake sometime later to Lia straddling my body. I moan in pleasure as she lifts up then impales herself onto my length. I run my hands over her hips then up her torso. I think it’s odd for a moment that I don’t feel the bandages I put there earlier. Something else feels strange, as well; her stomach feels huge and distended. My pace falters as I try to push her off me. Something is wrong. The voice saying my name sounds like hers but she doesn’t feel like Lia. “Stop!” I shout, trying to move away from her. I can’t understand how my cock is still hard and inside her when I’m so freaked out. She laughs in a way that makes my skin crawl; only it’s not her this time…it’s Cassie. The room, which had been so dark, is suddenly filled with light and Cassie is riding my body with Lia nowhere in sight. One moment she is laughing down at me and in the next, she is screaming as she raises her arm. Too late…again too late, I see the glint of metal before it plunges into me. Blood, so much blood everywhere, I think as I lay choking. Aidan, where is he? I wonder as the familiar scene plays out. Then it hits me. Lia, oh my God, I can’t leave her! “Where is Lia? What have you done to her, Cassie?” I yell frantically as I try to free myself from the woman now slumped on top of me. “Lia…Lia,” I slur, feeling it all slipping away from me once again.
Lia
I try to roll over and block out the sound, but it’s relentless. Who is crying at this hour, I wonder before it hits me. I jerk upright in bed, looking around the darkened room. The mattress moves and I turn to find Lucian flailing around next to me. Oh, no, that sound, I know the choking sound from his nightmares, but he’s crying? As I reach for the lamp on the nightstand, I hear him whimpering my name over and over. I learned the hard way to approach him cautiously when he’s in the middle of a nightmare. The one time I didn’t, I ended up flying through the air and striking my head on a nearby table. I try calling out to him, hoping he’ll hear me. “Luc, wake up! Luc, you’re dreaming, baby. Wake up!” I try a few more times but even though he calls my name, I’m almost positive he’s still asleep.
“Cassie, what have you done?” he sobs, breaking my heart. I want so badly to know what she did to him all those years ago that still torments him to this level today. I get close enough to take his hand and try shaking it.
“Luc, it’s me, Lia. Please, wake up…please,” I call out to him as he begins to choke again. I drop his hand and quickly leave the bed to turn on his lamp. His face is pale and tears leak from the corners of his eyes. I want to launch myself into his arms and hold him to me until whatever haunts him releases its grip. “Lucian!” I call sharply. “Wake up!” His head turns toward me, and I see his eyes moving rapidly behind the still-closed lids. “Luc! Look at me!” I hold my breath as his eyes finally flicker open then blink against the glare of the light.
“Lia?” His voice is scratchy and strained, but I think he sees me. Before I can move to approach him, he springs from the bed and hurls toward the bathroom. I’m still trying to process his sudden movements when I hear the distinctive sounds of him being sick. I want to go and take care of him as he has done for me in the past, but I know how raw he is after one of these dreams, especially when I witness them. I force myself to stay where I am and take my cues from him.
After a few more minutes, I hear the toilet flush and then him brushing his teeth. There is dead silence afterwards until he finally walks back into the bedroom with his eyes carefully averted. I go to him, putting my hand on his arm. He has always worried about hurting me during one of his nightmares so I’m quick to reassure him. “Luc, I’m fine. I stayed back until you awoke. I’m worried about you, though. Do you…want to talk?” I see the shutters click tightly over his beautiful eyes as he moves restlessly on his feet. I’m surprised when he pulls me into his arms instead of walking away immediately.
“I’m sorry, baby,” he murmurs against my temple. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“Luc, I’m fine,” I attempt to comfort him. I kiss his throat and nestle into his embrace. “Please talk to me. Maybe it would stop if you told someone about it.”
He’s quiet for so long I think he’s going to ignore my comment before he finally says, “I can’t tonight. I’m too close to the edge. Just…give me some time, and I’ll try—for you.”
“I love you,” I say softly, thinking that even if he can’t give me the words back, he might need to hear them right now.
“Oh, Lia.” He inhales loudly, shaking for just a moment before pulling away. “I’m going to work in my office for a few hours until I key down. Try to get some sleep and I’ll be back later.” I almost offer to go with him, but I know he doesn’t want that. He needs time alone to sort through the ghosts raging in his head. I’ve been there before, and I understand the urge to run away from it all.
“Okay.” I give him a smile of understanding and let him walk away to deal with his demons. Fighting the things you can’t see or touch are sometimes the battles that wound you the most.
Lucian
I drop my head in my hands as I make it to the sanctuary of my office. My heart is still racing from the dream that seemed so horribly real. I’ve had nightmares for years… since the night Cassie tried to kill me. Tonight, though, it was different. Cassie and Lia had intertwined in the dream, taking even my subconscious by surprise. Before I awoke, Cassie had been stabbing Lia, yelling that I was hers. It had been so fucking real that I was choking on my own bile as I bolted from the bed.
Would I ever be able to get past what happened all those years ago? Just when I think there is a chance of moving on, I’m hit with this. I’m tired of the fucking dreams, and I’m even more tired of worrying about them happening. The stress of it all coupled with my fears for Lia are eating me alive. I don’t even hesitate as I unlock my desk drawer and pull the small bag from inside. If not this, then I’d be walking the floors for hours, trying to get back to level ground. I need it and the sweet oblivion that only it will bring.
Lia thought that talking to her about what had happened could make it better. But how can you tell someone that your pregnant girlfriend had been so twisted that she had literally tried to slit your throat and let you bleed out, while you were inside her? That she had continued to move against you even as she stabbed herself while laughing. The sound of her crazy, fucking cackles would forever haunt me. Maybe even more so because I know deep down that she was paying me back for what I did.
With a shaking hand, I make a less-than-perfect line and take the rolled-up bill to snort it. I’m in the middle of doing the white line when I hear a noise and look up. I freeze in horror as Lia looks at me in shock. I know there is no mistaking what she’s seeing. Maybe…just maybe, if there hadn’t been any cocaine remaining on the mirror in front of me or if the damned rolled bill wasn’t still hovering under my nose, I could explain it away. I wait for her to speak, though, just on the outside chance that she has a different take on what I’m doing.
She drops into a chair in the front of my desk, and I quickly put my drug paraphernalia back in my desk drawer. I have never felt like less of a man than I do right now. To be caught doing something like this because I can’t cope, by the strongest woman I’ve ever known, is humiliating. For the first time since we met, I feel like a complete disappointment to her. The
silence in the room is deafening as we both wait for the other to speak. Finally, she says, “I never knew. How long?”
Not bothering to lie, I tell her the truth. “On and off for years.” I don’t add ‘since Cassie’. I know it’s not an excuse. There is never an acceptable reason for using coke.
She looks more curious than anything else when she asks, “Do you even want to stop?”
“Not enough to really try…until you. I never wanted you to know.” When she stands, I think she is walking away in disgust. I’m astonished when she walks toward me instead and pulls my chair back enough to crawl into it with me. She sits sideways in my lap as if seeking comfort. I automatically close my arms around her, breathing in her familiar scent.
“Am I doing this to you, Luc?”
“What?” I take her chin in my hand, bringing her eyes to mine. “No, baby, God no. I’m not proud of it, but as I said, I’ve been using for much longer than I’ve known you. Sometimes weeks pass in between…and sometimes they don’t.”
She puts her small hand over mine, continuing to study me as if she can see into my very soul; sometimes I believe she can. “The dreams seem like they are getting worse. You had stopped having them before my attack.”
“They hadn’t stopped. You knew I was taking something to help me sleep.” When she nods, I continue. “It wasn’t working that great, and I had a few that didn’t wake you. Therefore, I did the only thing I knew would keep them at bay. I couldn’t risk hurting you again, baby.” I know it sounds like an excuse, even to my ears, but I would and will do everything I need to do to keep her safe, even if it’s from me.
“We’ve been quietly falling apart,” she says softly as she threads her fingers between mine. I panic for a moment, not understanding what she means.
“We’re fine, Lia. Nothing is going to tear us apart. We are always going to be stronger together.”
“That’s not what I meant, Luc. I’m not talking about our relationship coming apart. We are unraveling inside. Our past is festering within each of us, eating away who we are, bit by bit. I’ve been wallowing in self-pity since my attack, and I can’t seem to stop. Everyone tells me I’m so lucky. I’m alive and I wasn’t raped. I’m a survivor. I lived to tell the tale. What they don’t seem to understand, though, is that those words describe my life, not just one incident. I keep getting up, brushing myself off, and trying to move forward. I’m the fucking queen of making lemonade out of lemons, Luc. But each time, I keep wondering what’s going to happen to me when I finally just don’t get up. Was I doomed to be just a sad statistic from the moment I was born?”
Her gut-wrenching words hit me hard. In our time together and all of our conversations, this is the most defeated I’ve ever heard her sound. As strong as she is, she can’t save me and I can’t save her as the damaged man I am. If I wanted to continue on the self-destructive path I’ve been on, I should have walked away from her in the beginning. Now, it’s too late. She is the very air I breathe, and even if I cannot say the words, I acknowledge to myself for the first time that I am hopelessly in love with her. Maybe if we had each lived normal lives with no past traumas, our draw toward each other wouldn’t have been as strong. In an alternative life, she would have grown up as Lee Jacks’ daughter with a wealth to match or exceed my own. Would any of that have made a difference to either of us the first time we looked into each other’s eyes? I have to believe that my soul would have still recognized hers, no matter what our circumstances were at the time of our paths crossing.
I lower my mouth to hers, kissing her with all the pent-up emotion I feel when she is near. “You were born to be the beautiful, vibrant, intelligent, and courageous woman you are today,” I say as I nuzzle against her soft cheek. “Every hardship you have endured has added another dimension to the person you are. There is nothing lucky in having to survive repeated attacks. Luck has had no place in your life, baby. You have made it this far because you refused to let them win. No matter how much they tried, you bested them. They never broke you, or you wouldn’t be here now.” Lowering my hand to her heart, I add, “You’ll never be a sad statistic because this will never let you.” I feel her crying softly against me, and I let her get it out as I stroke her hair. She needs the release. When her tears have quieted, I can literally feel the air charge as she gathers herself from the abyss she has been in. Her strength is beginning to return, and I wonder if she realizes that it never really left.
“I need to know about Cassie. Not tonight, because I don’t think either of us can handle it, but soon. She is still ripping you apart and you can’t move on, which means neither can I, until you face it. Can you do that? Can you promise to trust me with your past?”
“Yes,” I answer without hesitation. She is right; the time for secrets is rapidly ending. Not only does she need to know about Cassie, but she also needs to know about Lee Jacks…her father. The cocoon we’ve built around ourselves during the last few months is imploding, and I can only hope with everything I am that she’ll still be here in the end as the people from our pasts rise up to tear us apart. “Let’s go back to bed,” I say, knowing we are both exhausted enough to sleep through any night terrors that try to plague our dreams.
Chapter Nine
Lia
It’s been three days since Lucian’s last nightmare—that I know of—and my discovery of his addiction to cocaine. By unspoken agreement, we’ve both avoided talking about anything stressful and have just been content to spend some quiet, uninterrupted time together. We’ve watched movies, ordered in most of our meals, and mostly made love leisurely with the occasional round of hard fucking thrown in for good measure. I’m looking forward to starting my day with the hard variety of his loving when he walks out of the bathroom with a towel riding low on his hips, causing me to almost swallow my tongue. Holy mother¸ will the sight of him, especially half-dressed, ever not affect me like this? No matter how many thoughts or concerns are churning in my head, my body still tingles with awareness. I go to him, wrapping my arms around his still-damp body. He smells like soap, aftershave, and sexy male. God, I just want to lick his hard chest. His hands settle on my hips, pulling me snug against him, and I feel his cock stir. Obviously, I’m not the only one wishing we were still in bed this morning. “Good morning, baby,” he says in his sexy, husky morning voice I love so much.
“Morning,” I reply absently as my hands wander of their own accord up and down his back. As I reach the crease of his ass, I hear his breath hitch and smile. I’m tired, but I would love to feel his tongue between my legs this morning. It seems to be the magic cure for helping me keep the blues at bay.
He pushes his morning erection into me before pulling away. “You don’t know how much I hate to say this, but you have your doctor’s appointment in less than an hour, so don’t start anything we can’t finish.”
My mouth drops open in disappointment as I sputter, “What? But, I want to—”
“Yeah, me, too,” he interrupts as he smacks my ass. I follow his gaze down to the tent he’s pitching in the front of his towel.
“Babies, kittens, and bunnies.”
He looks at me as if I’ve lost my mind. “Just repeat babies, kittens, and bunnies over and over and it’ll help you with that,” I say, pointing downwards.
He chuckles before dropping his towel suddenly and palming his length. “Thanks for the suggestion, but I think I know a faster and much more pleasurable way to handle my problem.” Wiggling his brows, he adds, “Emphasis on handle, of course.” I stand rooted in place as he walks back into the bathroom, not bothering to shut the door. “Be right back.”
“Er…um…okay,” I manage to croak out. As I shift uncertainly, squeezing my legs together, I try to tell myself that he doesn’t want me to watch, but the devil on my shoulder keeps shouting, ‘he left the door open!’ Finally, I can resist no longer, and I creep to the open door. He’s sitting on the shower seat, leaning against the wall as he works his cock in his fisted hand. His mo
an fills the bathroom and I freeze. Oh, shit, it wasn’t him, it was me! My face is bright red when he opens his eyes and sees me standing there gawking at him.
He gives me a sexy grin as if he’d been expecting me all along. Pumping his hips in my direction, he growls, “Screw the hand job. Come fuck me, baby.” I’m so wet and horny that I don’t need to be asked twice. I go to him, taking his hand as he helps me into the shower. I stand hesitantly before him until he takes me by the waist and lifts me over his hips and impaling me onto his shaft. We both shout as he penetrates me deeply before lifting and dropping me repeatedly. My body struggles to adjust to his girth, but the pleasure far outweighs the discomfort I feel from his size.
When he leaves me seated deeply on him to take my nipple in his mouth, I moan, “Luc! Oh, God, Luc, please…” Ignoring my pleas to move again, he insists on sucking and licking both nipples before moving on to my neck and earlobe. I never knew an ear could be an erogenous zone until Lucian’s tongue and teeth first showed me it was a direct link to my clit. I begin bouncing my hips against his, needing the friction of his cock, prompting him to take command once again. Instead of lifting me, he pulls me down while grinding his hips upwards. He’s so deep inside me that twinges of pain mingle with the pleasure, causing me to spiral quickly toward my release.
“More,” I pant, so close to the edge. My nails are raking his back as I reach for the pinnacle that he is keeping just out of range with shallow thrusts of his hips. Taking handfuls of his hair, I tug it sharply, snapping, “Dammit, Luc, fuck me!” His growl of approval fills the shower as he surges upward, rubbing against my magic trigger spot, causing me to spasm around him without warning. “Ahhh, too much!” I cry as my orgasm seems to go on and on.
Fractured Page 11