The whole class groaned.
“Uh, Sir,” Charmayne piped up. “We need big strong helpers. Muscles.” She waggled her eyebrows. “Dean Morrison would fit the bill.”
Dean tried to shrink in his chair. Humping around bits of wood on the last day of school would not be his idea of fun.
“Excellent idea and it will keep you out of trouble. Grab your bag.”
“But, Sir…”
Sir ignored him, grabbed a hall pass from his desk drawer and held it out.
Charmayne looked like she was already creaming her panties.
Dean was moving glances that I now recognized between himself and Malia before he did as he was told.
Malia looked like she wanted to puke. She wasn’t that stupid; she knew he was going to spend a day in close proximity to the enemy.
Perfect.
She was deluded if she thought Deano hadn’t been double dipping his dick all this time. Even I’d caught him under the bleachers with Charmayne’s ankles around his neck and that was less than a month ago.
I couldn’t be sure how long he and Malia had been together, but the more I thought back about their behavior, reactions and stolen glances, the more I knew it was definitely quite a while.
I spent our first period together dropping not so subtle hints about how much fun Dean would be having. During second period, I mentioned Charmayne being with him and pushed down the guilt I felt at hurting her on purpose. The next couple of periods Malia was like a lost sheep. She stuck so close to me it was like I was a lifeline to keep her brain focused. I knew her brain was playing the cruelest of tricks on her. I wanted to feel sorry for her, I truly did, but then the ugly part of my heart was pleased she’d be able to understand how deeply she hurt me when the time came.
By mid-afternoon, she was a wreck.
Go time.
“Want to get out of here? It’s just more of this nonsense.” I groaned. “Anyway, why should Dean be the only one to have fun?”
“Yes,” she agreed instantly.
Like last time, when she ran from school because she spotted Dean and Charmayne together, we rode the public bus home in silence. “We haven’t surfed together for days. Wanna surf?” Malia looked at me all hopeful.
I could have said yes, but I didn’t want to give her brain that escape again. I’d taken her surfing because she wanted that distraction, she needed it, and that wasn’t how today was going to go. I wasn’t going to help her feel better because the guy she’d chosen instead of me, behind my back, was fucking around on her and she knew it.
We walked up the dead end of the street towards the houses and split off.
I walked to mine and she walked to hers.
I waited less than a minute, not even entering mine. Instead, I walked around the back, threw my backpack down on the patio table and walked back to her house.
I didn’t knock. I just opened the back door to her house and wandered in. I inhaled and stood with my back to the kitchen counter where I’d seen my friend take her and waited.
“Holy fuck, Reef.” She jumped. With her hand over her chest, I saw as she tried to calm her breathing. “You scared the shit out of me. What’s wrong?”
Malia came to stand in front of me, concern etched on her face.
“I thought we should talk.”
“Talk?”
“Yeah, you know, a conversation. Words. Sounds with meaning that pass between people.”
At my tone she really looked perplexed and took a step back from me.
“I’ve been wanting to talk to you for ages, Mal, but I never knew when the right time was.”
I looked at her now and the expression on her face was the same as it had been when I helped wash the bird shit from her hair. She looked hopeful, like the connection I’d definitely not imagined meant something to her. She swallowed. “What about?”
“Us.”
Her brow furrowed and I pushed away from the counter so I was closer to her. Close enough to smell that luscious lemony scent that could be my downfall. “Us?”
Seizing my chance, I dipped my head and put my lips on hers. “Yeah, us,” I whispered. “I want there to be an us.”
The words I said were inflammatory to both of us, but for very different reasons. She could want it, but couldn’t let it happen. I wanted it desperately and knew it would never happen.
Ever.
My lips were still in range of hers and when I kissed her again, the softness of them floored me. Not only did she smell of lemons, but she fucking tasted of them, too. I waited for the stiffness in her body to release and then put my arms around her. I was taking what I deserved. When my tongue touched hers, fireworks went off somewhere in my head and I was instantly hard. I staggered back a step and my butt hit the counter.
That was the reminder I needed.
The counter that he’d already fucked her against.
I couldn’t get swept up in her witchy ways. She was capable of casting a spell on me and any enchantment from her would send my plan to shit.
“Reef, wait.” Malia came to her senses first, but I still had power over her, she touched where our lips had connected in an attempt to convince herself that the kiss we’d shared had really happened.
I stayed silent, giving her the cue to carry on. When she didn’t, I got impatient. “Reef, wait what?”
“We can’t,” she whispered, and sadness filled her face.
“Why not? I was sure you felt the same way about me. Fucking certain. Especially when we surfed alone when you had your headache.”
“Because…”
She stopped.
“Because…”
She tried again. Tears filled her eyes and my patience wore thin. The deceitful little bitch had no right to tears. She wasn’t the one with a broken heart.
“Because?” I prompted.
“Because I’m—”
“Already fucking my best friend,” I finished for her, and finally the tears that were pooled in her eyes dribbled over her lower eyelids.
“Reef,” she whispered. “We wanted to wait.”
“Wait for what?” I spat out.
“Charmayne is, I don’t know, being difficult. She might hurt herself, or me.”
I laughed and it made her jump. “Being difficult? Is that what he’s told you. He’s probably fucking her right now.” Malia winced and I knew I was pin sharp on that nerve point.
Good.
“Wanna know the real killer? We made a pact, Dean and me. We made a pact that having you as a friend was more important to us. We cared for you so much, what with your mother and all, we decided we’d be your home.”
“It just happened.”
I leaned forward and pointed a finger at her feet. “This kind of shit doesn’t just happen.”
She jumped again. “I don’t know what to say.”
“You can fucking tell me why you chose him.”
“Because you made it clear that friends was the only option for us.” She cried openly.
I shouted back at her, “I meant all of us!”
She went pale as her eyes roamed my face for any hint that I wasn’t telling the truth.
“Tell me, why him?”
“I don’t know! I… we just became closer. I needed… someone.” Malia stopped talking, the perfect blend of confused embarrassment as she heard the words she’d just spoken.
“Yeah, my pal’s good at that. He has a type. Fucking vulnerable.”
I was sharp with my words, but I needed her to hurt.
Dean was the one I should have been mad at, but his crime was only betrayal. Hers was betrayal all bundled up in a package of heartbreak.
“What was that kiss?”
A look of guilt gripped her. “We can’t tell Dean. It will kill him.”
Now I really laughed. “Of course not. Heaven forbid we should upset Dean. What’s another secret to keep, anyway?”
This needed to end. It was getting out of control and I was so angry I was ei
ther going to strip her down and fuck her against the counter so that when I left it would fuck with her head, or I was going to punch a hole through her dry wall.
Then I saw her face turn angry. “Wait a fucking minute! You knew. You knew about us, yet you still came over and tried it on with me.”
I shrugged like I wasn’t bothered.
“Why the fuck would you do that?” she screamed, and I smiled. I was getting to her. Good. “Answer me. You kissed me even though you knew. Tell me why?”
When I folded my arms over my chest and let my smile turn into a self-satisfied, smug grin, she went nuts and threw herself at me. I let her thump her hands into my chest a couple of times before I grabbed her forearms and set her back from me.
“Yeah, I did. Hurts when people you love keep shit from you, when you get played.”
“What if… what if I hadn’t stopped it?” Malia seemed shaken by the possibility of what could have been.
“I’d have fucked you on the counter like he did.” Her eyes flitted from side to side, her brain rowing through its memory banks as she tried to figure out why that sounded familiar. “I fuckin’ saw you.”
Malia gasped.
“I was on my way to Dean’s. I was gonna ask him to let me out of our pact about you. See, I was gonna do the decent thing and do right by him. Shame he didn’t do the same.”
“Why did you want out of the pact?” Malia whispered, her face growing paler if that was possible.
“You’re a smart girl, come on. I’d had enough of watching you. Callie was always just a way to cover up how I really felt about you, and I figured seeing as Deano was still getting it from Charmayne, you and me had a real chance.”
Reminding her about Charmayne cut her deep and she began to ramble. “No, you didn’t want me. You said we could only be friends. You said friends. You said no.” The pain I was desperate to see, that slice of pain I’d had since I’d found out about them was now hers, too. “I… was lonely. I’d had enough of being lonely. I needed someone to love me.”
“I did fucking love you!” I shouted back in her face and she shrank back. “You chose him instead of me. Shame he isn’t capable of the same.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means… he’s still fucking someone else. He always has been. He just didn’t want me to have you.”
“Dean’s not like that. He cares for me.” Malia shook her head, her action an attempt to stop my words from penetrating and the truth taking a grip.
“Does he? Dean is definitely like that. There are two sides to him, and you were stupid enough to see both and ignore them.”
“No! I always got the real Dean.”
Her denial was real. My heart started to hurt because she was hurting, and I was in real danger of taking it all back, but these pair had made a fool out of me already and that wasn’t going to happen a second time.
“What happens now? Are you going to talk to Dean? Will you and Dean be okay?”
My predictions about her having low self esteem were spot on. Not once did she consider where she and I went from this. Her only concern was Dean. Dean had always been a selfish motherfucker. That was why we worked so well. I was the caring guy; he was the asshole. He caused the trouble and I smoothed it over. Well, not this time. Dean treated women like they were a commodity to be bought and sold when they’d served their purpose. This time, though, he’d done it on pure reaction. He knew I felt something for Malia and couldn’t stand to see me happy.
“Dean can go fuck himself. I’m done with him.”
Malia knew what that meant. If there was no him and me, there would be no Dean, Reef and Malia. I saw her hands tremble.
“I would have fucking worshipped you.” I couldn’t hide the pain in my own voice.
“What about Hawaii?” A couple of tears trickled down her cheeks.
“You and Dean can fuck each other like rabbits, and I won’t be around to see it. I wish you luck. You’re gonna need it.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means if it isn’t Charmayne he’s fucking behind your back, it will be someone else.”
“No!” she shouted. “I’m enough for him. He loves me. It’s not his fault we’re not together. It’s yours. He wanted me enough to fight for me.”
I had to hold my stomach as laughter roared forward. “Wake up! He didn’t fight for you. You’re his dirty secret.”
Malia’s tears ran faster as she reached out to the counter for support.
“This fucked-up threesome is over. I’m done. I’m out. Have him. I loved both of you enough to be honest. I’m the good fucking guy here!” I punched my fist into my chest, my emotions over spilling.
She slumped down the cupboards until her shoulders shook with sobs and her head fell forward to rest on her knees. I heard her voice, wet with emotion, come to terms with the fast approaching end. “The idea of you not being around,” she gasped, “is not okay with me.” Her breathing had turned shallow and the way she blinked, I figured she was on the verge of a panic attack.
“Right now, it’s the only thing keeping me going.”
“I never saw him!” she forced out, so quiet I almost didn’t hear it.
“What?”
“When I was with him, when I closed my eyes I only ever saw you.”
I was burning up from the inside out. Those words were like a blowtorch on the part of me that loved her.
“Don’t.” It was nothing more than a growl
“I’ll end it with him,” she cried, grasping at something, anything, to keep me in her life.
Finally, she looked up from her knees, her beautiful face blotchy with tears and understanding. “You should have been mine. You deserve to be loved by someone who’s terrified of losing you from their life. Someone so scared that they’d do anything and be anything for you. That’s not Dean, Mal. That’s me. I’m that man for you.”
She tried to get to her feet as I stepped away from her. “Wait. I mean it. I’ll—”
“Bye, Mal.”
I stepped through the back door and closed it behind me.
With a last look back at the girl who had smashed my heart into a million pieces, I saw her distraught face as she scrambled across the kitchen floor on her knees, shouting for me to stop.
Malia
“No food on the fucking table again.”
“I’ve been working, same as you.”
“What you do isn’t fucking work.”
“You don’t work either. You just fucking attend,” I whispered.
“The fuck you say?”
I recognized the tone. Thing is, I recognized the mood when he walked through the door, but it still didn’t stop me being a snippy bitch and that was just plain stupid.
“Nothing. Here.” I placed a warmed plate of leftovers on the table in front of him. I saw him shake his head, but didn’t manage to move in time.
Dean picked it up and threw it at me. Thankfully, this time, I was only covered in pot roast and gravy. In the past, I’d had plates, beer bottles and all sorts bounce off my head. “Don’t know what you call that shit, but it isn’t food, Mal.”
I clamped my lips together as the gravy dribbled down the front of my work uniform. Looked like I’d be spending an evening at the launderette again. Small mercies, though—it got me out of the house and away from him.
“I’m off to get a pizza.” Dean pushed himself back from the table. He still looked pretty much the same as the first time we’d met, just aged a little. He looked after himself and still surfed. The problem was that now I knew he’d been hiding the darkness inside him. It had been obvious to everyone but me that his heart was just a chunk of black muscle that beat for him and no one else.
“We don’t have money for pizza.”
Another stupid mistake on my part and this was confirmed when he flew at me and grabbed me around the throat. “Then cook some decent fucking food for a change.” He looked down at me and sneered. Those same eyes that ha
d once begged and pleaded with me to love him, stand by him and stick with him through thick and thin, were now filled with hatred and contempt. “And fucking clean yourself up. You look homeless.” He let me go with a shove and strutted out.
I should’ve taken that homeless option years ago. I couldn’t believe I’d be any more miserable than I was now, and at least I’d have been in control and probably not stood there covered in gravy. I’d have been grateful for that fucking pot roast and gravy and lapped up every mouthful.
He was right about one thing, though.
I didn’t look good.
I didn’t look bad.
I still had my great hair and I’d lost some muscle definition, but that was more to do with easing up on the surfing in favor of earning a pay check and well, plain old stress and loss of appetite. But where I knew I’d changed was my soul. My soul didn’t shine through my eyes anymore. It was barely hanging onto my useless life with a thread and I hated that he’d squashed my spirit as well as me.
But I’d made my bed and I was very much lying in it.
It was no exaggeration to say that life had changed big time the moment Reef walked out of my kitchen. If I thought about it, I could still feel the intense, crazy emotions. Fear, regret and anger—at various points of that argument, we’d both felt all of them.
I lost him.
Simple as that.
And because I made my choice, I stuck by it not matter what. Now matter how unhappy it made me—still made me.
I went all in with Dean Morrison. All in.
The only thing I didn’t do was marry him. We got engaged, but I’d figured out a while ago that it was just a ploy to keep me with him. He’d never pushed for marriage and the more unhinged he became, the more ‘not my Dean’ he morphed into, the more I forgot about it. The only reminder was the sorry excuse for a ring on my finger. I was pretty sure it wasn’t real, and the metal was definitely tainted. The hint of green it left behind when my hand had been in soapy water was a big clue.
Malia: A Black Sentinels MC Novel Page 8