by Randy Salem
"But then," Lee said very gently, "I've never been in love before, Maggie. This whole business is new to me. So if I make a couple of mistakes..."
Slowly, as though afraid to face it, Maggie turned onto her back to look into Lee's eyes. She was silent for a long time. Then she said, "Do you really mean that?"
"Yes," Lee said seriously, "I really do. I came up here to tell you so. Then," she grinned, "I took a good look at you in those damned pajamas and I forgot to be a gentleman."
For a moment, Maggie's eyes were dark and troubled. Then, very gently, she laughed.
"You know something?" she murmured. "I wish you'd forgotten that a long time ago."
Lee reached out and took the teddy bear from Maggie's arms and tossed it toward a chair.
Maggie leaned away from the bed to meet her.
Almost savagely, Lee caught the girl and pulled her tight. Her mouth mashed down on Maggie's. Needing her. Needing her so very much...
Eagerly her hand moved beneath the pajama top, seeking the firm, full mound of breast. She heard Maggie suck in her breath.
"Be gentle, darling," Maggie whispered against her ear. "I've never..."
It wasn't good manners that motivated her to comply. Never in her life had a girl responded to her as Maggie did. She felt the girl trembling beneath her hands and she was gentle, knowing the fullness of Maggie's need. Teaching Maggie how, drawing from each of them every thread of desire. Taking the love, the passion Maggie had saved for her.
Maggie's lips were warm and moist against hers. Maggie's hands caressed her. Maggie's body surged to meet hers.
Maggie was everywhere and everything.
And still Lee was gentle.
And she was lost, wandering in the maze of desire. Unable to feel enough, to touch enough. Needing more hands, more lips to know Maggie. Mad with the need to take her, to possess her. Yet moving slowly, not wanting it to happen too soon. Needing to prolong this moment to last a lifetime.
Very gently she unbuttoned the pajamas and took them off. But slowly. Loving Maggie's body with her eyes as she had felt it with her hands. Touching the smooth, fragrant flesh with her lips. Kissing her. But slowly.
"I love you," Maggie murmured. Lee kissed her tenderly on the mouth. "Say it, Lee," Maggie whispered. "I've waited so long..."
"I love you," Lee said. "I think I've always loved you, Maggie." And she knew that it was so. That before Maggie, there had been nothing. And after Maggie was gone...
She put her cheek against the girl's belly and closed her eyes. Listening to the rhythm of Maggie's breathing, the beat of her heart, caressing her lightly. Wanting to be with her always, yet knowing she must let her go.
The beat of Maggie's heart told her that it was time. And still she lingered a moment, kissing her, a little afraid...
She went to the girl then. Quickly. Surely. Knowing that Maggie was hers and that Maggie would always be hers. Telling Maggie with her hands and with her lips that she knew this and that she loved her.
Maggie's fingers held her and told her that it was good.
Then Lee felt the fingers tighten against her skull and she felt the surge of desire tremble through Maggie's thighs. Her own body caught fire and she knew that she could not wait. Clinging to Maggie, she felt them hurdle together toward infinity. And together, still together, they knew love...
They lay silent for a long time. Not sated, not really wanting to be. But together in an hiatus of calm, enjoying each other now. Yet knowing that the moment could not last. Soon, too soon, it would be dawn and then afternoon. And too soon, Lee would be driving Maggie to Ravensway to be Pieter's bride.
Maggie sighed and turned her face against Lee's arm.
"I know," Lee murmured. "I was just thinking the same thing myself."
"But I'm glad," Maggie said softly. Lovingly her lips caressed Lee's shoulder, moved down the side of her arm. "Even if... if I never see you again, I'm glad."
Lee turned onto her side and took the girl into her arms. Even in the midst of their quiet, she could hear the wings of fate beating inexorably in her ears. "Don't be afraid," she whispered. "It'll be all right."
But the words echoed hollowly. And somewhere deep inside, Lee knew that she was crying.
CHAPTER TEN
Lee scrawled her name at the bottom of the letter, then pushed it across the desk to Maggie. "Is that the last one?"
Maggie picked up the letter and turned back toward her typing table. "That's it," she said over her shoulder. "Just let me make an envelope and we'll have some lunch."
Lee propped her feet on the corner of the desk and leaned back. From behind a screen of cigarette smoke, she watched Maggie sit down and roll an envelope into the machine. In the blue pajamas and a soft robe, Maggie looked baby-faced and sleepy. But she had insisted that they work this morning, to clear away the pile of miscellaneous junk cluttering Lee's desk. And Lee knew that had been the best thing for both of them.
Maggie folded the letter and slipped it into the envelope. Then she set it on top of a neat pile. "That makes an even dozen," she commented aloud.
"You know," Lee said lightly, "I'll miss you. You're the most efficient secretary I've ever had. I don't know where I'll find another one like you."
Maggie's eyes twinkled. "That's easy. Just find one who's in love with the boss."
Lee laughed and swung her feet to the floor. "That's a hell of a way to run a business," she said. She crossed to Maggie's chair in three strides. "Business is supposed to be a cold, impersonal thing."
"Yes," Maggie said, "but look at all the money you could save in salaries. Just move them in here with you and..."
"Uh-huh," Lee murmured. "But look at the time I could waste in..." Leaning forward, she grabbed Maggie by the shoulders and pulled her out of the chair.
Maggie's arms went around Lee's neck as Lee kissed her.
"You know, you're right," Lee said after a while. "There's something about the personal touch..."
Maggie laughed against her throat. "Just be glad it won't be Trudel. You couldn't even get your arms around her."
They were trying very hard, Lee knew. Both of them. Trying too hard to pretend it didn't hurt. But they dared not stop the little game. In three hours, they would be on their way to Kate. It would be over then, the pretending. There would be nothing left for either of them but the hurt they would no longer be able to hide. In just three hours...
"Lee, hold me," Maggie whispered.
And Lee knew that Maggie was thinking the same thing. They had not slept, yet both were vibrantly, almost violently alive. Feeding off their nerves, afraid to relax for even an instant.
She put her arms around the girl and put her face against the sleepy-smelling sweetness of her neck. They stood very still, very close—as though poised, waiting for the fatal plunge that would destroy them both.
Then she felt Maggie's body lift toward her. Her hands slid down to Maggie's behind and pulled her tight. Slowly they moved against each other, stirring up the glowing embers of their desire. Maggie's mouth opened against hers and Lee darted her tongue past the eager lips.
Suddenly, she could not stand it, the farce they were living. Suddenly, the tight-strung nerves snapped and the strength went out of her. She went down to her knees with her arms around Maggie's thighs. A sob stuck like a bone in her throat. She put her cheek against the girl and felt Maggie's fingers touch the back of her neck.
And then Maggie was beside her, kissing the tears from Lee's face. Cradling Lee against her and crooning.
"Don't cry, darling," Maggie murmured. "Please don't cry."
For Maggie's sake, she hated the tears. But she could not stop the flow of them. She was not crying for herself, but for the two of them. For the loneliness and for the uselessness. For Maggie, because she must marry a man she could never love. And for herself, because she knew what life would be without Maggie. She had lived it all before. Too much sex and not enough love. Too many-women, not one of whom meant a dam
n.
"Don't cry," Maggie said, "or I'll start too."
Lee heard the quiet desperation in Maggie's tone.
Heard it and knew that Maggie needed her, as she had needed Maggie. Knew that Maggie wanted her.
Maggie lay back on the rug and stretched out her arms. She was smiling. "We have time," she said gently, "if we skip lunch."
And Lee laughed through her tears. "You used to tell me food was more important."
"I was very young then," Maggie said. "I think I've aged twenty years since last night."
Lee kissed the point of Maggie's chin. "And what makes you think I want an old hag?"
They were playing the game again, pretending. But at least it was bearable that way. Gently she lowered herself to the girl.
Maggie's hands went beneath Lee's robe.
A shudder rolled through her. "Whew!" she said against Maggie's ear. "You learn pretty fast."
Maggie laughed softly. "And why not?" she said. "I've had a good teacher."
Loving Maggie was like nothing Lee had ever known. It wasn't just two sweaty bodies banging away at each other for the sake of a moment's thrill. It wasn't punishment or greed or any of the other things sex could be. It was fun, it was play. And it was more than that. So much more. It was as if, for the first time in her life, she had become a part of somebody else and somebody else had become a part of her, so that they were one and indivisible. She had thought it was a lot of crap, this business about spiritual union. Just a lot of crap.
And then she had loved Maggie...
The throw rug prickled across her shoulders and the bare floor was cold against her behind. Yet she felt comfortable and warm lying there with Maggie curled small against her side. She took Maggie's hand and held it tight, wanting to tell her how right it was, this thing that had happened between them. Needing to reassure her, to let her know…
"Don't say it, Lee," Maggie said into her thoughts.
"Say what?"
"What you were just thinking," Maggie said.
Lee sighed. "You read minds too?"
"Yours," Maggie said. "But it's no good, honey."
Lee turned onto her side and looked down into Maggie's face. "I can't let you go just like," she snapped her fingers, "that."
"But you have to, you know," Maggie said.
"But you don't want that any more than I do," Lee persisted. "You could come here or we could meet somewhere. Pieter would never know the difference. And—"
"No," Maggie said gently.
"But—"
"No," Maggie repeated, more firmly this time.
Again Lee sighed. She didn't have to ask any questions. She had known, really, how Maggie would play the game. Even if she despised Pieter, once she was married to him she would be faithful. And loving Maggie, Lee could not argue with her.
"It's not that I don't love you," Maggie murmured. "You know that don't you?"
Lee put her palm against Maggie's cheek. "Yes, I know," she said softly. She tried to smile, but the expression did not fit naturally on her lips. "But in a way, it's funny, you know. All my life I've been telling people to take what they could got and like it. Now I'm in the same position and I don't know what the hell to do with it."
Maggie kissed Lee's palm and moved it away from her face. "It hurts, doesn't it?"
Lee looked at her, wide-eyed with amazement over the gall she'd been spreading like poison all her life. Maybe, if she had ever taken the trouble to look, maybe some of those women had loved her. Helga, maybe. Maybe if she had stopped to think about it, she might even have...
"No," she said aloud. For she knew that it was not true. That none of them—and there had been so many—had ever done to her what Maggie could do. It wasn't that Maggie was the most beautiful, the kindest. She wasn't quite sure just what it was. But something about Maggie clicked. Something fitted, like nobody else ever had. And now that she'd found it, now that she knew what it meant to love...
"No, what?" Maggie said.
"Hmm?" Lee swallowed down the anger threatening to choke her. She could curse Kate from now till doomsday and that would not change a thing. "Oh, nothing," she said lightly. "I was just feeling a little sorry for myself." She grinned. "But that's against the rules, isn't it?"
Maggie shook her head. "I don't think so," she murmured. "I feel the same way myself. But..."
She held out her arms then. Lee hesitated for only a second. Every kiss they shared, every dream was just like rubbing salt into the wounds. They had only a few hours.
Only a few. But if they tried, in these few hours they could live a lifetime.
"Kiss me, Lee," Maggie whispered. And Lee moved to oblige.
After a long time, Maggie sighed and rolled away from her.
Lee glanced at her watch. "It's late," Maggie said.
"Urn," Lee grunted. "I'd better pack.”
"I guess so," Lee said.
She looked at Maggie then and saw the blue eyes bright with tears she knew Maggie would not let fall. She stood up and held out her hand.
Maggie let Lee pull her up. Then she turned away and, without saying anything more, hurried up the stairs to her apartment.
Lee went to the liquor cabinet and poured herself a triple scotch. If they were very lucky, Kate would not keep her at Ravensway this afternoon. It would be too much for both of them, to sit there looking at each other, wanting each other. And not allowed to touch.
But Lee knew that she would not be that lucky. Especially if, as Maggie believed, Pieter had told Kate... Told Kate what? A lie? Once it had been a lie. But now, it was the only truth she and Maggie knew. What could she tell Kate, when Kate asked her? For Maggie's sake, she knew that she could not tell Kate this truth. It would not free Maggie from her marriage to Pieter. If anything, it would only encourage Kate to make life a little more unbearable for all of them. For Kate did not believe in love. Lee realized that now. Realized it and felt powerless to fight.
She finished the drink and went up to her own room to dress. She felt like wearing slacks and flat shoes and looking like what she felt. Rough and angry and crude. But Kate had made rules about that too, as she had made rules about everything. A lady wears a skirt, Lesley. A lady is never seen...
The hell with it, a voice roared inside her head. She went into the bathroom and stepped under the scalding hot stream of the shower. If she didn't get Kate out of her brain, she knew she might very well tell the old bat what she thought of her. And one did not do that to Kate. If one did...
If one did, what, Lee? You think you'll be struck dead for telling Kate you hate her guts? And admit it, kid, you've been wanting to tell her that for a hell of a long time. Not just for Maggie. But for everything. The way she never let you breathe without telling you that you were doing it wrong. The way she screwed Andrew into becoming her personal slave. The way everybody jumps when Kate thumps that damned cane of hers. And yes, for Maggie too. Because you love Maggie and Kate's giving her away...
When she came out of the shower, Lee took a pair of navy blue slacks from the closet and pulled them on. She did not feel like a lady. And she was tired of pretending. She put on a white shirt with a button down collar and pushed onyx links through the cuffs.
Still barefooted, she went into the hall and up the spiral stairs to Maggie's room.
Maggie had already showered and dressed in a soft blue that did something miraculous to her eyes. Lee stood in the doorway for a moment, watching the girl lift things from a dresser drawer into a valise. "Well," she said finally, "you look as though you're about ready to go." She heard the anger and resentment in her tone and knew that Maggie must have heard it too.
Maggie jumped, startled. "I didn't even hear you come up," she said, turning to face Lee. She glanced down at the bare feet, then looked up the length of her and into her eyes. "Are you going out to Kate like that?"
"I might put on my shoes," Lee said, her tone gentler now. She nodded toward the open valise. "You need any help with that stuff?"
Lee sat down on the edge of the bed and watched while the girl finished packing. She went through the motions quickly, efficiently, as she did everything else. And inwardly Lee sighed, hating the precision that was moving Maggie so rapidly out of her life. If only Maggie could forget her responsibility to Andrew, her responsibility to the damned family... They could go away somewhere, to the other side of the earth if necessary—anywhere where Kate could not find them. But it would be foolish to suggest this to Maggie. Maggie didn't play it that way. She did it the right way. Wore skirts when she was supposed to, married whom she was supposed to...
"Damn it," Lee said. "Why the hell couldn't you be like all the other women I've known?"
Maggie paused in mid-stride. "Meaning what?"
Lee rubbed her palm against the side of her chin.
"You're so damned proper," she said. "Anybody else I could pick up and run away with. But you... "
Maggie laughed. "If I were like all the others," she murmured, "you wouldn't be in love with me. Would you, now?"
Lee opened her mouth to make a brilliant rejoinder but nothing came out. She poked in her shirt pocket for a cigarette, then changed her mind and walked away to the window.
Sunlight beat hotly through the panes, warming her legs where it slanted against her. She felt the heat creeping up through her body, scorching her flesh as it moved. If Maggie really loved her, how the hell could she be so stubborn? If Maggie really loved her, then why—
"I'm ready," Maggie said.
Lee turned around to face her, ready to spew out her rage and her hurt.
She saw Maggie reach to retrieve the teddy bear from the chair where Lee had tossed it. For an instant Maggie clutched it against her shoulder, pressing her cheek to the stubbly fur. Then she went to the valise and laid it carefully inside.
"You're taking the teddy bear?" Lee said very gently, feeling suddenly all soft and mushy inside where a moment ago she had felt only pain.
"Of course," Maggie said.
"Well," Lee said, stepping across to the valise, "I guess you can give it to one of your kids."