I wanted to protest but I could feel the void opening up inside me again—demanding to be filled. I had no choice.
Stiffly, I got off the floor and walked over to the broad leather arm of the oxblood sofa. Lifting my frilly, little girl skirts, I laid myself across it, feeling the cool air currents circling in the room caress my bare ass.
“All right,” I said, my voice trembling only a little. “Give it to me, Salt. Give it to me hard.”
His face was a mask I couldn’t read as he stepped up to me and raised his arm. When the first blow fell and the leather snake kissed my ass with a sharp snap, I knew at once this was what I needed. That doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt—it hurt like Hell—much worse than Salt’s hand had when he’d been spanking me over his knee. But it seemed to fill that aching void inside me. At least, it started to fill it. I could still feel the effects of the Please in my system, forcing me to beg for more.
“Again,” I whispered, gripping the cool, slippery leather with my nails. “Do it again, Salt. I need more.”
“As you wish.”
He lifted his arm again and again I felt the sharp snap of the belt against my naked backside. I couldn’t repress a groan this time. God, it hurt. But I knew the stinging pain was all that was keeping me from going crazy with lust or possibly even dying from the effects of all the Please I’d ingested.
“Another,” I said in a strained voice.
Salt complied. I couldn’t tell from his face how this was affecting him—his eyes were still cold and dead. I knew he didn’t want to hurt me and I was sorry I had to ask him to. But he was right—in the long run, this was better than fucking me. At least, that was what I tried to tell myself.
“More,” I begged breathlessly and another blow fell, the black leather licking around my naked, upturned buttocks, giving me the harsh, angry kiss my body so desperately needed.
The pain was intense, especially when the belt fell on a spot it had touched before. I could feel my skin getting hot and swollen with the repeated lashing and I wondered if I was bleeding. It wouldn’t have surprised me if I was and yet I still needed more.
“Again.” I whispered, biting my lip. “Please, Salt—again. And this time…don’t stop.”
He hit me again and then again and again. Over and over his arm rose and fell, not stopping between blows this time. I put my head down and bit my lip until I tasted blood, taking what I needed from him even though it hurt both of us—him to give it and me to receive it. The pain of the whipping seemed to grow until it filled my whole world and I couldn’t think any more. Couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t do anything but just lie there and take it.
Little by little, the void the Please had opened inside me was filled with sensation. But filling it came with a price. I turned my face away so Salt couldn’t see me and stuffed a fist in my mouth, trying to muffle my cries of pain. Though I tried to hold still, I could feel my body trying to jerk away from the harsh blows as they fell. Somehow I forced myself not to run—to stay and take the punishment I had begged for. The punishment I deserved.
“You’re the reason he left,” whispered my mother’s voice in my head. “It’s your fault your Daddy’s never coming home again. He got tired of taking care of you. Tired of you needing all of his attention. He’s never coming back and you’re the reason why.”
I felt something warm and wet trickling down my cheeks and dimly realized I was crying. But that was all right—it was what I deserved. I was the one who had driven my Daddy away—I deserved to be beaten for it. I ought to hurt and sting and cry to atone for that sin. I should— “No more!”
The harsh cry made me turn my head. I saw a tall man standing over me but I wasn’t sure who he was.
“No more, Andi,” he repeated. “I cannot hurt you like this anymore. You’re bleeding.”
“I’m sorry, Daddy,” I whispered as my eyes filled with tears again. “I didn’t mean to make you go away. Please tell me what I did that made you leave—I swear I won’t do it again.”
“Andi, it’s me.”
My vision seemed to clear and the tall man became my partner. I realized that once again I had somehow fallen into Little-space and not in a good way.
Salt’s face was no longer cold and impassive. There was anguish now in his pale blue eyes—a look of regret and self-recrimination so deep it made me ache for him.
“Salt?” I whispered, making an effort to come back from the dark place in my past. “Salt, is that you?”
“Andi…” He threw down his belt and gathered me into his arms. “Sorry. I am so sorry, my darling,” he whispered into my hair. “I never should have hurt you in that way.”
I wanted to protest that it wasn’t his fault but everything seemed to be fading. Black flowers were blooming before my eyes and darkness was eating the world.
“Andi,” I heard Salt say. “Please be all right. Please, I cannot hurt you anymore. I cannot bear it.”
“You had to hurt me,” I whispered. My mind was hazy but I wanted to make that much clear. “It was…the only way other than…than fucking. The only thing that could…could help.”
Despite my words, Salt’s strong features were still filled with remorse.
“I still should not have—”
Suddenly there was a splintering sound and the thick wooden door burst inward.
“All right—hands up where we can see them,” barked a sharp voice. “Tampa PD—everybody just stay where you are.”
“What the hell do you think you are doing?” Salt demanded.
The other voice seemed to be answering but I couldn’t hear it anymore. The black flowers had grown to fill my entire field of vision and it seemed like someone had turned the volume in the room way, way down so that the other voices around me were nothing but whispers.
“…my partner,” I vaguely heard Salt say. “…take her to the hospital now.”
No hospital, I tried to say—I hated those places. My mom had died in one and I didn’t want to die there too. I didn’t want…
But it didn’t matter what I wanted. Everything went dark and silent and the world faded to black.
Chapter Sixteen
“…so we’re lucky that Vice chose that time to make a raid although I was pissed at the time that they’d do something so clueless. And don’t worry about that informant Berkley told you he had in the PD—that’s been taken care of.”
The Captain seemed to be wrapping up his briefing, for which I was profoundly grateful. He’d kept us in his office for at least an hour. Even though the lash wounds on my backside made by Salt’s belt had mostly healed, it was still painful to spend too much time sitting.
“Very lucky,” my partner growled softly. “Andi might have died otherwise.”
“I would have if you hadn’t saved me.”
“Saved you by half killing you,” Salt muttered, looking down at his hands.
“You only did what I asked you to,” I pointed out. “And it was better than…than the alternative. It was the only way to counteract the effects of the Please other than—”
The Captain cleared his throat. “Well, yes. I think we can all agree Detective Saltanov did only what was necessary.”
Salt muttered something in Russian, still looking at his hands.
“Salt…” I tried to catch his eye but he wouldn’t look at me.
Great. Inwardly, I sighed. This was the way things had been between us for the two weeks since the abrupt end of our time at the Institute.
Everything had gone remarkably well in the aftermath. The Vice department’s timing had been incredibly lucky, despite the fact that they hadn’t had any idea they were buttin
g into an ongoing undercover investigation. They’d had a report of a huge shipment of heroine being smuggled through the Institute and had come to break up the party. In the process they had nabbed Berkley and his Babygirl slash lab assistant Mandy, as well as all the makings of a first-class Please lab.
Also, thanks to Berkley’s need to have the final say while he was recording what he hoped would be a steamy sex show by my partner and I, we’d gotten his complete confession on tape. The Director of the Institute was going away for a very long, long time and Mandy was headed up the river too.
Things really couldn’t have worked out better—except for the distance that the whole sorry situation had put between me and my partner. I had tried to reach out to him several times—though it hurt my pride to do so—but he always rebuffed me. I thought he might hate me now for all the sick things we’d been forced to do together and to each other while we were playing “Papa” and “mishka” but I couldn’t help wishing I might be wrong.
Still, so far Salt was giving me no indication that my guess wasn’t correct. He wouldn’t touch me, wouldn’t look at me, and would barely speak to me. I didn’t want to let him know how much that hurt so I tried to keep it to myself, tried to tell myself that things would get better between us. But when? It had been two weeks—how long would it take for us to get back to normal? A month? A year?
As if you really wanted to go back to normal, whispered a little voice in my brain. What you want is what you can never have again—to be Salt’s Babygirl and hear him call you “mishka” one more time. To know that your “Papa” still loves you.
I tried to push the voice away. It was all stupid bullshit—everything we had been forced to do together was just for show, I told myself. And it wasn’t like I had actually enjoyed any of it. I was just as glad to get away from the crazytown environment of the Institute as Salt probably was. Right?
Right, I told myself firmly. And Salt will come around eventually and then everything will go back to normal.
I hoped.
“Fine,” I said stiffly, looking away from my partner and standing to go. “Is that all, Captain? Can we go now?”
“I’m afraid not.” The Captain sounded extremely uncomfortable. “I’m sorry, Sugarbaker, but there’s one more thing I need to touch on before we wrap this up.”
“Oh?” I raised an eyebrow at him. “What’s that?
“It’s the fact that Detective Saltanov has asked for…for…”
“A new partner,” Salt finished for him.
“What? What did you say?” I felt like someone had punched me in the gut. Literally—all the breath left my lungs and I couldn’t seem to fill them again. I had been standing, ready to leave the Captain’s office. Now I sank back down on the hard wooden chair and looked at Salt.
He stared back at me, his face a mask I couldn’t read.
“I am sorry, Andi, but it must be this way,” he said.
“I…” I didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t have hurt me more if he’d pulled out a gun and shot me—that was how painful his betrayal was. “So you’re leaving,” I whispered before I could stop myself. “Dumping me like every other man in my life. Leaving just like my—” Somehow I caught myself and managed to stop there but not before I saw the pain flash in Salt’s eyes.
“I am sorry,” he said earnestly, his tone a little softer. “But I feel that after what I did—”
“No, no—please. No explanation necessary,” I said briskly. Inside I felt like dying but I had shown enough weakness already. It was time to pull myself together.
“Andi—”
“You’ve finally had enough of me—just like the other two partners the Captain tried to put me with,” I said stiffly. “I understand, Salt—really I do. It was just a matter of time.”
The Captain stirred restlessly in his chair.
“I don’t like this,” he said abruptly. “This doesn’t sit right with me.”
“Well, it’s not up to you, is it Captain?” I forced myself to stand back up, even though my legs felt like they might give way under me. “Salt needs a change and far be it from me to stand in his way.” I lifted my chin. “I’d like to add something to his request though—I want a new partner too. Immediately. I don’t care who it is—just make it happen today.”
“These things take time, Sugarbaker,” the Captain reminded me, frowning. “Time and a hell of a lot of paperwork.”
“I don’t care about that,” I snapped. “Salt wants out, then so do I. I don’t want to have anything else to do with him and I’m sure he feels the same way about me.”
“Andi—” Salt began again, a pained expression coming over his face.
“Andi, Andi, Andi,” I mocked him furiously. “Just stop talking—stop saying my name, you son of a bitch! You’ve already said everything there is to say—everything that matters.”
“No, I have not,” he growled, frowning at me. “I must tell you—”
“I couldn’t split the two of you up right away even if I wanted to—which I damn well don’t,” Captain Douglas roared, interrupting us. “Because this case is still hanging over our heads.”
“What are you talking about?” I had my arms crossed and I tapped my fingers impatiently. “I thought it was all tied up with a bow on top.”
“Not quite.” The Captain sighed and ran a hand over his face. “There’s still the little matter of the evidence.”
“Do you not have everything that you need?” Salt asked. “Equipment from the lab, Berkley’s confession…”
“Yes but we also still have all the evidence collected by the hidden camera equipment,” the Captain said quietly. “I need to release it to the judge but there are parts of it…” He cleared his throat. “Parts that might need to be, uh, edited out.”
“You can’t do that, Captain.” I was shocked. “That’s tampering with evidence.”
“Look, Sugarbaker, I’m not talking about getting rid of any of the vids showing the Please Lab—which Berkley was stupid enough to record, by the way. I’m talking about certain, uh, intimate events that you might not wish a judge or jury or the general public to see if they got out.”
Captain Douglas’ face was red and I could tell that he’d watched the tapes he was talking about—the images of Salt and I in our room doing…oh God, doing all kinds of things I didn’t want anyone knowing about.
“My God,” I whispered, feeling sick and faint for the second time that day. I grabbed for the back of the chair. “If those got out…”
“Now you’re getting the idea,” the Captain said grimly. “Those parts of the tape don’t really do anything to make our case. And I don’t really think anyone but you and your partner need to see them.”
“He’s not my partner anymore.” I couldn’t keep the bitterness out of my voice and I couldn’t look at Salt as I spoke.
“He is for a little while longer, Sugarbaker,” Captain Douglas said gently but firmly. “At least until the two of you review these videos and decide what parts you want me to ‘lose.’” He reached into his desk drawer and pulled out a small flash drive. Reaching forward, he placed it at the edge of his desk and looked at me meaningfully. “Do you understand?”
“This should be up to Andi,” Salt said in a low voice. “She is the one who should decide—”
“I want you both to decide together.” The Captain glared at us. “I mean it—find some time outside of work and go through these. And it needs to get done soon. I can’t hold this back for much longer.”
“Fine.” I reached for the flash drive but Salt got to it first. He fo
lded it in his big hand and looked at me.
“I will come to your house tonight. We will review these together.”
I refused to meet his eyes.
“If that’s the way you want it.”
“It is,” Salt said quietly.
“Good.” The Captain slapped his desk with finality. “Come back in tomorrow and tell me what you want to do.”
What I wanted to do was go dig a hole and bury myself in it but I couldn’t say that out loud. Couldn’t give my bastard of an ex-partner the satisfaction of knowing how badly he had hurt me—how deeply his treachery cut.
Instead, I lifted my chin and left the Captain’s office with my head held high and my heart aching.
It’s your fault, whispered a little voice in my head. Your fault he left and he’s never coming back.
I knew it was true but it didn’t make his betrayal hurt any less.
Chapter Seventeen
The knock on my front door startled me. I was standing in the kitchen, cutting up vegetables for a crudités platter to serve while we reviewed the video evidence.
I know making a tray of snacks sounds stupid but it was what I had done the first time Salt had ever come over to my house, not long after we’d become partners. I forget why he came—probably to review evidence from some case or other. Anyway, I had made a vegetable platter with sour cream dip and now I found myself doing it again. I don’t know why—maybe I was trying to take myself back to the time before I’d cared about my partner as more than a partner. Maybe I wanted to rewind the clock and pretend nothing had ever happened between us.
Now, however, I decided it was a ridiculous idea. It wasn’t like I could pretend away the hurt inside me—the gaping hole of loneliness that had opened in my chest where my heart used to be. All I could do was try to hide it and get through this night as well as I could.
Daddy Issues Page 23