The Best of Miranda: Favourite episodes plus added treats – such fun!

by Miranda Hart

  Winks at Stevie. Stevie looks alarmed. As does everyone. A pause. Valerie bursts out laughing. Everyone fake laughs.

  MIRANDA: It’s a joke! (TO CAMERA) It’s a joke!

  MIKE: (TO MIRANDA) Sorry. You OK?

  MIRANDA: Yes of course. Yes. Now, do sit down, let me plump a scatter cushion. Help yourself to sausages. Can I get you a warming glass o’ rouge?

  Mike and Valerie nod. Miranda goes to kitchen area. Penny and Stevie rush to her.

  (TO CAMERA) I’m so getting culled!

  PENNY: (POINTING AT VALERIE) Wig.

  PENNY, MIRANDA & STEVIE: (WHISPERING TOGETHER) Wig, wig.

  Valerie and Mike look round. They all wave. Miranda brings the drinks.

  MIRANDA: There you go.

  VALERIE: Oh thank you.

  MIRANDA: Now do relax in my nibble and mingle zone.

  She sits on the sofa arm nearest Mike.

  A pause.

  ALL: (BEGIN TALKING OVER EACH OTHER)

  Another pause.

  GARY: (COMES OUT OF BEDROOM WITH ROSE, CARRYING A NAPPY) He’s just done an explosive poo right up to his armpits.

  VALERIE: Well on that note I think I’ll leave. (BEAT)

  Laughs.

  Everyone sort of fake laughs.

  MIRANDA: It was a joke, yeah! (TO CAMERA) was a joke.

  Pause.

  NORMAN: I shat myself once.

  Miranda gives Stevie a disappointed look.

  MIRANDA: Now let me just sort out my dessert. I’ve got syphilis.

  Everyone stares. Miranda goes to kitchen. A pause. Miranda comes back from the kitchen with a fruit.

  MIRANDA: I meant physalis. Physalis, physalis, the fruit, exotic fruit. I have not got syphilis.

  A beat. Valerie suddenly laughs.

  (TO CAMERA) Laughter delay.

  Now, you know what’s for dessert, but for starter we’re having a smoked salmon terrine and for main we shall be having lamb. So, the terrines, I’ll just get them out. And the terrines. (LAUGHS) It’s a joke about getting your breasts out instead of the terrines. One for you. (LEANS TOWARDS VALERIE) Nothing.

  INT. FLAT

  Everyone at the table with the terrines. Valerie clinks his glass.

  VALERIE: Shall we say grace?

  MIRANDA: Oh right.

  STEVIE: Oh yes.

  PENNY: Yes of course, we always do.

  Miranda puts her hands in a prayer position, everyone follows. Valerie looks at Miranda who realises, at head of table, she should say grace.

  MIRANDA: Me? Right. Um. Lord, um we thank you for the music. The songs we’re singing, and, um, we thank you for your bread of heaven, bread of heaven, feed me till I want no more. Want no more! Feed me till I want no more, so much, thank you very much to you God please, amen.

  Everyone starts eating.

  MIKE: Mmm!

  GARY: It’s really good!

  PENNY: Delicious!

  Miranda clocks camera.

  VALERIE: What did you use?

  MIRANDA: Oh, erm, well, skills, erm, utensils, terrine mix, terrine powder.

  NORMAN: I think I’ve got a bit of pants in my terrine.

  STEVIE: They’ll be Miranda’s. She had to wash them in the dishwasher.

  MIRANDA: Right, excuse me whilst I check on my gravy.

  Miranda crosses to the kitchen. She coughs loudly to cover up the sound of piercing the M&S film lid of the potatoes. We hear a cry from the monitor.

  ROSE: I’ll go.

  She goes to the bedroom.

  VALERIE: Are you thinking of having children, Miranda? All that dribbling and talking gibberish, you’ve got plenty in common.

  A pause. He laughs.

  MIKE: Dad!

  PENNY: Do you think you could do the laugh while you’re making the joke?

  That way there won’t be any false starts.

  MIKE: I think she’d make a great mum.

  PENNY: Well she’s already got a (MOUTHED) very weak (LOUDLY) pelvic floor. Such fun!

  STEVIE: Penny, why don’t you tell us about the work you’re having done?

  VALERIE: Yes what are you having done? The crow’s feet I can see.

  PENNY: On my kitchen. On my kitchen you stupid old—

  MIRANDA: Shall we play a game? (SINGS) Heads, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes…

  VALERIE: That’s a kid’s game!

  MIRANDA: Yes, it’s a ridiculous suggestion! I prefer dinner party convo. So, um, well, Norman, what do you do for a hobby?

  NORMAN: I like to let kittens feed from my beard.

  MIRANDA: Shall we play a game? I think we should play a game.

  STEVIE: Let’s play a game. Let’s play a game.

  A game, let’s play a game.

  GARY: What about the Were-Game? You know, if you were going to be a were animal for one night like a, werewolf. What animal would you be?

  PENNY: What, like Valerie would be a were-toupee?

  ALL: (SINGS) Heads, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes…

  INT. FLAT

  A while later. Everyone more raucous. Miranda in the kitchen taking out the lamb.

  MIRANDA: Lamb looks OK, I’ve made new gravy, I’m clawing it back.

  Miranda drops the meat on the surface, it jumps on to the floor. No one notices.

  MIRANDA: Oh! My meat’s gone mobile. Oh hot! Five second rule. (SHE TRIES TO PICK IT UP; IT SLIPS OUT). Hot! Five second rule. (SHE TRIES TO PICK IT UP; IT SLIPS OUT) Hot! Five second rule. Oh!

  She jumps and drops the meat straight out of the window.

  PENNY: What is going on?

  MIRANDA: My meat’s gone mobile. Valerie thinks I’m insane. You’re not helping.

  PENNY: Now listen here, I like Mike and you are more than good enough for him. I do not like Valerie. I will not be dictated to by Stevie the crazed leprechaun and a man with a dead badger on his head. We stick together.

  MIRANDA: Oh Mummy! Help me with a new main course. Oh, Mum! The microwave is about to go ping, I’ve put the M&S potatoes in there.

  STEVIE: What are you two up to in there?

  MIRANDA & PENNY: Nothing!

  The microwave starts to beep. Miranda and Penny scream to cover up the noise. Everyone looks round.

  MIRANDA: Sorry, we thought we saw a…

  PENNY: Mouse.

  GARY: What?

  Gary jumps on a chair.

  ROSE: Really babe?

  PENNY: Oh, you need to man up. I am so pleased my daughter has moved on to your lovely son, Vanessa.

  ROSE: What do you mean moved on?

  PENNY: She’s had a thing for Gary for years.

  MIRANDA & GARY: It wasn’t really a thing.

  MIKE: Well was it a thing or wasn’t it a thing?

  MIRANDA: Well, if you can call a couple of dates—

  ROSE: You dated?

  GARY: Well nothing ever really happened.

  STEVIE: Oh tell me about it, on off, on off.

  Miranda and Gary stare at her.

  MIKE: And do you still want it to be on?

  GARY & MIRANDA: No, no, no, no, no. No!

  We hear the baby cry. Rose gets up.

  STEVIE: I’ll give you a hand.

  GARY: Rose.

  They follow her. Penny goes too. Norman goes to the bathroom. We hear everyone next door on the baby monitor. Miranda, Valerie and Mike at the table in vision.

  PENNY: (OOV) You are not doing Miranda any favours.

  STEVIE: (OOV) She’s on a losing streak with that Valerie.

  PENNY: (OOV) Her first proper boyfriend and the father’s got the personality of a self-service check out.

  GARY: (OOV) Oh and that wig! It’s like roadkill!

  PENNY: (OOV) Yes well if Miranda gets desperate we can always grill that!

  They all laugh. A pause.

  STEVIE: (OOV) This monitor’s on isn’t it?

  Slowly everyone comes back and sits down again in silence. We hear a very long pee from the bathroom.

  MIRANDA & P
ENNY: Brazen wee.

  Valerie gets up and goes to the kitchen with his glass.

  MIRANDA: Sir, can I get you a drink? Would you like a tea, perhaps a chamomile?

  PENNY: She’s got a red bush.

  MIRANDA: The tea, the tea!

  A pancake from the ceiling lands on Valerie’s head.

  Sorry! I was trying crepe suzette earlier, sorry.

  Helps him take it off. The wig comes away with the pancake. Miranda puts the pancake back on his head, realises, and gives him back the wig.

  VALERIE: Right son, I’ve had enough of this. I don’t care to come to a so-called dinner party to be insulted by your girlfriend’s freaky friends and dysfunctional family.

  PENNY: (DRUNK) Excuse me, my functional is not disfamily. We’re not fysdunctional.

  MIRANDA: Mr Jackford, I know I haven’t portrayed myself well but I am a capable woman.

  VALERIE: Then why is foam rising throughout your kitchen?

  MIRANDA: Oh no! I put Fairy Liquid in the dishwasher. I am normal!

  Plumber arrives.

  PLUMBER: Hello? I’m only coming in if you don’t wax my crack again, alright?

  Penny puts pasta into a bowl.

  VALERIE: Is that penis pasta?

  MIRANDA: Right, that’s it! I drop the gauntlet. For the last two days I’ve tried to be a grown up but I have no interest in abiding by the adult rulebook. I want to do fun things that make me happy which by the way, for the record, include making vegtapals. Meet Mr Butternut. (GETS OUT MR BUTTERNUT) You might call me a child. Good. For if adults had even the slightest in-the-moment joy of a child then frankly the world would be a better place.

  Miranda whips out the terrine packaging.

  MIRANDA: Oh! And the terrine? M&S.

  ALL: (GASP)

  ROSE: Well I bet you’re glad your ‘thing’ with her is over now.

  GARY: No. Miranda’s my best friend, Rose, and I’m not gonna say what you want me to say, so if you can’t handle that then, do you know what? It’s over.

  ROSE: Fine

  She exits.

  Penny does the EastEnders theme tune intro, then laughs.

  VALERIE: Come on, Mike.

  MIKE: No. I’m staying. (TO MIRANDA) These last two days I’ve been worried that you weren’t who I thought you were because I was falling in love with you. Your ridiculous sense of humour and your smile and the way you bring me out of my boring shell and well, hearing what you just said I realised I have fallen in love with you. I love you, Quirky.

  Miranda mouths aghast to camera.

  Mike and Miranda kiss. Gary looks sad in the background.

  Norman goes to kiss Stevie who pushes him away.

  STEVIE: Get off!

  MIKE: And do you know what I really want to do?

  MIRANDA & MIKE: Foam fight!

  They all play and dance to Billy Joel’s ‘River of Dreams’.

  You Have Been Watching

  Miranda Hart

  Bo Poraj

  Patricia Hodge

  Sarah Hadland

  Tom Ellis

  Naomi Bentley

  Tim Pigott-Smith

  Series Three, Episode Three

  Behind the Scenes Tit-Bits

  I had a temperature of 103 filming this episode and had sick buckets in the wings in case. The show must go on.

  The osteopath scene where I farted is based on a true story. I won’t say who. Oh, OK. Me. But I never blew a candle out. Always take it to the next step for the sitcom.

  I very rarely laugh when I write but I laughed out loud, on my own, to myself, in my kitchen, for far too long when I wrote the bit about being a dolphin and making dolphin noises in ‘Old Macdonald Had a Farm’ when I was looking after Chris and Alison’s child at the soft play centre.

  This ended up randomly being the episode of guest appearances. Paul Kerensa, the writer, was the customer that I almost flashed at in the first shop scene. Sarah Hadland’s mother (otherwise known as Beaky) was the woman who I flicked my pashmina at in the restaurant and told I was wearing no pants. And my sister (to the left of me) was the singing lady in the M&S scene.

  Who said muffins have to be a sweet? These scrumptious cheese & onion gems are great with soup.

  Ingredients

  250g soft cheese

  150g cheddar cheese

  284ml carton buttermilk mixed

  with 100ml whole milk

  sunflower oil

  1 1/2 tsp Mustard powder

  1 bunch spring onions.

  small bunch chives

  500g self raising flour

  1 egg

  Preparation

  Preperation time: 15min Cooking time: 25min Total: 40min

  1. Heat up the oven to 200°C/180°C fan (gas mark 6) and either line a 12 cup muffin tin with paper muffin cases or oil the tin itself.

  2. Mix the flour, mustard powder, 1 tsp salt, 1/2 tsp pepper in a mixing bowl and stir in the cheese, spring onions and chives.

  3. Whisk the milk, egg and oil and delicately fold this into the dry mix using a large spoon. Be sure to do this carefully and add the soft cheese to the final folds.

  4. Spoon the mixture into the muffin cases or oiled tin.

  5. Bake for 30 minutes or until slightly browned.

  If you haven’t yet tried it, discover the ridiculously moist wonders of this delicious beetroot cake.

  Ingredients

  250g cooked beetroot

  3 eggs

  220ml sunflower oil

  150g dark chocolate

  1 1/2 tsp baking powder

  60g unsweetened cocoa powder

  170g plain flour

  200g caster sugar

  icing sugar

  Preparation

  Preparation time: 15 min Cooking time: 45min Total: 1hr

  1. Heat up the oven to 180°C/160°C fan (gas mark 4) and grease and line the bottom of a springform cake tin.

  2. Use a sieve to sprinkle the sugar, baking powder, flour and cocoa into a large bowl.

  3. Drain the beetroot and chop into small pieces. Place into a blender, crack in the eggs one at a time, then pour in the oil. Blend until the liquid is a pinky colour and smooth in texture.

  4. Stir this mixture into the dry mixture and add the finely chopped dark chocolate. Pour this into the tin and bake for 45 mins.

  5. Dust with icing sugar just before serving.

  Series Three, Episode Five

  Three Little Words

  · · ·

  I call this the farce episode. But most people call it the Gary Barlow episode.

  I had met Gary when we did the Jubilee Concert together and to my great pleasure and surprise he said he was a big fan of the sitcom. I didn’t immediately think there and then that I would like to get him in the show, but as I started thinking about this storyline I had the idea that Miranda got her own back on Stevie, who snogged Gary (Tom Ellis’s Gary) by snogging someone Stevie really liked. It felt funny if it was two women going “you kissed MY Gary”. So I thought of Gary Barlow. He agreed to do it when I emailed him months before and then a few weeks before production we weren’t sure if he was going to be available. The story just wouldn’t have been the same. We nearly asked Olly Murs at one point but somehow Stevie loving Gary Barlow made so much more sense and was utterly believeable. Not dissing Olly. Heavens no. Wouldn’t do that. I am all about current popular tunes. I think at one point we were going to approach Ant McPartlin. I believe Stevie would have a love o’ Ant. But I am very grateful that Gary Barlow bravely stepped forward. It made the farce come together at the end. The audience that night didn’t know what had hit them. There was a gasp and then a massive scream. Brilliant. A great moment to be on a studio floor.

  This was another episode I actually enjoyed writing. Two out of the eighteen! I knew exactly how I wanted it and it was as much of a fast paced farce as I could do on TV. My parents used to take me to all the Ray Cooney farces when I was younger so I had that theatrical farce influence, and I had
always wanted to do it with the sitcom and now there was a story that served it. I remember having to explain to the director exactly the pace I wanted it to go at and I directed the actors a bit in rehearsal, because there was a particular rhythm I had written. It was probably the hardest show to rehearse. The number of times me, Sarah and Dominic Coleman, who played the shop customer embroiled in this story against his will, rehearsed our little Take That singing moments… If it wasn’t 100 per cent precise it was never going to work.

  I am very lucky in my director Juliet May, who trusts my vision of the show and can let me from time to time put my oar in and direct the performances. And I think this episode was our working relationship at its best. I never interfere with her technical side of the directing. That is, all the camera shots, angles and sizes. She may very rarely ask me what I think about a shot as regards serving a joke as best TV can. And on very few occasions I may ask to see a shot back if we are pre-recording it, or look at it when we are camera rehearsing on the day of the record. But those occasions are rare. We totally trust each other and I don’t think there has been a single occasion where I have watched the show back in the edit and thought she messed up a joke or shot or didn’t serve the show as best she could. When we first met I said I wanted it to be theatre on TV. Lots of full-length shots to see the physical comedy. Lots of movement in the performances. It makes it more challenging to do on the studio floor but it always serves the comedy more and makes it more interesting to watch. So I was not only lucky with the cast, but am eternally grateful to have found Juliet.

  That’s enough praise for her… back to me. Although actually can I just say how much I love Dominic Coleman. He was in an episode in Series One (Episode Five) as a customer who found himself getting sucked in to Miranda and Stevie’s world as they asked his advice on how to deal with Penny. He then couldn’t leave. And I always knew I wanted to write him back in to the show. His character and performance worked perfectly for a more farcical set up. Right that really is enough about others. Back to me and my farcey-pode, as I like to call it.