by Miranda Hart
MIRANDA: Why aren’t you at the tennis club?
PENNY: One glimpse of Belinda’s smug face that it was a celeb-and-press free mediocre event and I abandoned.
Raymond Blanc enters.
GARY: Oh Raymond’s here! Evening Mr Blanc, thank you for coming. (FAKE FRENCH ACCENT) Your table is over here.
MIRANDA: Pretend you’re enjoying yourself for Gary.
They fake laugh.
GARY: What are you doing?
MIRANDA: We’re creating ambience.
They fake laugh again.
GARY: Can you just stay out of it please?
MIRANDA: Why are you so angry with me?
GARY: Shush, Raymond is behind you.
MIRANDA: I don’t care about Raymond. He ruined my day.
GARY: And you ruined mine. The one day I needed your help.
MIRANDA: Well maybe I had urgent things to do.
GARY: What, like rehearse a Take That tribute band?
He goes off, but comes back angrily.
You know, there’s always something with you isn’t there? Hey, on the one day I was struggling and needed your help, like you always do, your issues are still more important – although they very rarely are.
MIRANDA: They were more important!
GARY: (REALLY ANGRY) Oh, what? What was more important?
MIRANDA: (SHOUTS) Splitting up with my boyfriend and telling you I’m completely and utterly head over heels in love with you. I love you!
Rose walks in. Gary is stunned. The restaurant goes silent. Rose walks out.
PENNY: Oh that’s embarrassing. (TO MIRANDA) Do something more embarrassing so it won’t seem so embarrassing.
MIRANDA: (SINGING) I’m a little coconut, ugly and hairy, but when you crack me open I ooze milk and nut.
PENNY: No, that’s worse. (LOUDLY) I have no idea who this woman is.
She exits.
MIRANDA: Right, I’m just gonna flush myself down a plug hole.
Penny comes back in.
PENNY: You’ll never guess who’s here to meet Raymond.
Penny leads in Gary Barlow. Everyone is amazed.
Mr Gary Barlow, would you make an appearance at my tennis club dinner?
GARY BARLOW: For you, anything.
He kisses her hand.
PENNY: Take that Blanc, we’ve got Barlow.
MIRANDA: Mr Gary Barlow.
Miranda takes him by the hand and kisses him in front of Stevie.
(TO STEVIE) I lingered.
(TO CAMERA) Yes!
INT. FLAT
Miranda is sitting on the sofa. The telly is on. It’s karaoke.
MIRANDA: He didn’t say it back, he could have said it back.
STEVIE: You’ve got me.
MIRANDA & STEVIE: Love oo.
JIM: And me. And our band. Take That’s on karaoke.
Miranda puts volume up. It’s “Back For Good”. They pick up mics.
MIRANDA, STEVIE & JIM: (SINGING) Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn’t mean it. I just want you back for good. Want you back. I want you back. I want you back for good.
Caption
You have been watching
Miranda Hart
Sarah Hadland
Dominic Coleman
Tom Ellis
Bo Poraj
Naomi Bentley
Raymond Blanc
Patricia Hodge
Gary Barlow
INT. FLAT
Miranda, Jim and Stevie are still all singing along to the music. Jim hugging Miranda.
MIRANDA: (TO JIM) You will have to leave at some point.
The rest of the cast join in and sing along with the music.
Fade to black
Series Three, Episode Five:
Behind the Scenes Tit-Bits
There was a slightly awkward moment when on the day of the record I had to ask Gary Barlow if he wanted to rehearse the kiss. The answer was a resounding no!
All the cast are huge Take That fans and singing ‘Back For Good’ with Gary for the end sequence, well, I don’t think you have seen us happier. We have all now put on our CVs ‘toured with Take That’.
We had to keep Gary’s presence a secret from the studio audience and so we gave him a code name. Aubergine. I have no idea where that came from.
Don’t work with geese unless you really have to! They are totally uncontrollable. It was utter chaos trying to get them to run in the right direction to chase us.
Two words: Raymond Blanc. He is as charming as you can imagine although I think was a little frightened by the crazy women around him. What a sport. I’ll always feel bad for shouting at him with the line ‘I shall Michel Roux the day I ever met you.’ I never did it fully in rehearsal and he got a bit of a shock on the night.
In many ways, as a writer I felt like the show was kind of starting now. Gary is putting down roots and buying the restaurant. All the characters feel very grounded in who they are. Miranda has grown into herself and isn’t quite such a heightened clown. I know exactly what the actors like and don’t like and how to best serve their characters. Miranda and Stevie’s relationship is nailed – they can fall out and compete but they always love each other. Deeply sisterly relationship. Having done the therapist episode in Series Two I felt I understood Miranda and Penny’s complex mother–daughter relationship. So I felt I really had my sitcom at this point. It’s just a shame that I was feeling pretty burnt out at the thought of going straight in to a fourth series. Leave on a high or push on. Always a tricky one. We’ll see…
You Have Been Reading …
Miranda: Miranda Hart
Stevie: Sarah Hadland
Penny: Patricia Hodge
Gary: Tom Ellis
Tilly: Sally Phillips
Clive: James Holmes
Mike: Bo Poraj
Rose: Naomi Bentley
Chris: John Finnemore
Alison: Margaret Cabourn-Smith
Valerie: Tim Pigott-Smith
Jim: Dominic Coleman
Therapist: Mark Heap
Tamara: Stacy Liu
Stinky: Belinda Stewart-Wilson
Director: Juliet May
Producer (Series 1): Nerys Evans
Producer (Series 2–3): Emma Strain
Exec Producer: Jo Sargent
Exec Producer (Series 2): Mark Freeland
Acknowledgements
Thank you very much, as ever, to Hannah Black and all the hard-working team at Hodder. And to my marvellous agent, Gordon Wise at Curtis Brown. (Gordon the Grapefruit in Series Two was for him!)
But my greatest thanks has to go to all the cast and crew on the sitcom. Every department was challenged on every episode in one way or another and they never failed to work hard to make the scripts work.
Particular reference to director Juliet May, floor manager Julia Sykes, all the cast, editor Jake and the amazing props guys and designer Harry Banks. Forever grateful, team.
And last but by no means least to Jo Sargent, who risked introducing me to the BBC. And to all those at the BBC for allowing me to put my vision on screen by expertly trusting and guiding, and not interfering: Jon Plowman, Lucy Lunsden, Cheryl Taylor, Mark Freeland, Roly Heating, Janice Hadlow. Thank you.
Publisher’s Acknowledgements
The publishers would like to thank the cast members of Miranda for their kind permission to use their likeness in the images that appear in this book.
Cast List / Credits
Series One, Episode One: Date
* * *
Written by
Miranda Hart
Additional Material by
Paul Kerensa • Leisa Rea
Cast
Miranda: Miranda Hart • Penny: Patricia Hodge • Stevie: Sarah Hadland • Gary: Tom Ellis • Delivery Man: Ben Forster • Clive: James Holmes • Tilly: Sally Phillips • Fanny: Katy Wix • Vox Pop Woman (Woman 2): Helen Moon • Shop Assistant: Patrick Barlow • Paul (Camp Customer): Danny Edwards • Wedding Shop Assistant:
Josie D’Arby
Series Two, Episode One: The New Me
* * *
Written by
Miranda Hart
With
Tony Roche • Georgia Pritchett • Paul Powell • James Cary • Richard Hurst • Paul Kerensa
Cast
Miranda: Miranda Hart • Stevie: Sarah Hadland • Posh Girl: Sophie Pelham • Tilly: Sally Phillips • Penny: Patricia Hodge • Stinky: Belinda Stewart-Wilson • Clive: James Holmes • Danny: Michael Landes • Life Coach: Mel Giedroyc • Ryan: Tom Parry • Bed Shop Customer: Vicki Hopps • Bed Shop Boss: John Voce • Michelle: Kerry Godliman • Gary: Tom Ellis • PC Davis: James Doherty • Sandy: Karen Seacombe • Delivery Man: Ben Forster
Series Two, Episode Four: A New Low
* * *
Written by
Miranda Hart
With
Paul Kerensa • Paul Powell • Richard Hurst • James Cary
Cast
Miranda: Miranda Hart • Penny: Patricia Hodge • Tamara: Stacy Liu • Stevie: Sarah Hadland • Youth: Theo Barklem-Biggs • Clive: James Holmes • Builder: Andrew Thomas Jones • Gary: Tom Ellis • Helena: Anna Chancellor
Series Two, Episode Five: Just Act Normal
* * *
Written by
Miranda Hart
With
James Cary • Richard Hurst • Georgia Pritchett • Paul Kerensa • Paul Powell
Cast
Miranda: Miranda Hart • Penny: Patricia Hodge • Therapist: Mark Heap • Gary: Tom Ellis • PC Davis: James Doherty
Series Three, Episode Three: The Dinner Party
* * *
Written by
Miranda Hart
With
Richard Hurst • Georgia Pritchett • Paul Powell • Paul Kerensa
Cast
Miranda: Miranda Hart • Mike: Bo Poraj • Penny: Patricia Hodge • Yoga Instructor: Sarah Flower • Stevie: Sarah Hadland • Customer: Paul Kerensa • Plumber: Glen Davies • Alison: Margaret Cabourn-Smith • Gary: Tom Ellis • Rose: Naomi Bentley • Chris: John Finnemore • Childrens’ Musical Playgroup Leader: Joanna Neary • Valerie: Tim Pigott-Smith • M&S Customer: Alice Hart • Traffic Warden: Joe Wilkinson
Series Three, Episode Five: Three Little Words
* * *
Written by
Miranda Hart
With
Richard Hurst • Georgia Pritchett • Paul Powell • Paul Kerensa
Cast
Miranda: Miranda Hart
Mike: Bo Poraj • Penny: Patricia Hodge • Gary: Tom Ellis • Stevie: Sarah Hadland • Raymond Blanc: As himself • Customer (Jim): Dominic Coleman • Rose: Naomi Bentley • BT Man: Dan March • Gary Barlow: As himself