by Amy Cross
"And the audience," I whisper, "has the power to allow any of us to go free?"
Darla barely stifles a laugh. "That's the story," she says. "If he's amused, he can apparently tell Grinde to release one of us. But I've only seen it happen once, and..." She pauses, as if she thinks she's said too much. "I don't think... I don't think it's something you should want to have happen to you, if you know what I mean".
"But it happened once"? I say. "How? How do I get this kid to order my freedom?"
"You don't want to do that," Darla says. "You really, really don't. Okay, darling? It's not... It's only happened once. A girl named Mags, another werewolf. It was just an ordinary night, and suddenly we got word from Grinde that the audience had said Mags must be released. The only catch was that Mags had to visit the audience in his tent first. Off she went, and... I don't know. I liked Mags. She was good. She was a bit like you".
"But she was released?" I ask.
Darla shakes her head. "That's what they say," she whispers. "But I heard things that night, coming from the audience's tent. I heard Mags".
"Screams?" I ask.
"No," says Darla. "More like a very low, very quiet, gentle sobbing and whining. All night. And then the sun started to come up, and the sound stopped. Later, I saw some of the workers carrying something out of the tent. I couldn't see what it was, there was a sheet over it, but... Let's just say, I don't think Mags made it very far".
"This is fucked up," I say.
"Ladies!" shouts a voice from behind us. We turn to find Stephen, one of the other werewolves, standing behind us. With his greying hair and his slight belly, he kind of towers over the both of us, smiling uneasily. "Are you enjoying your conspiratorial hustle? I take it that you are ready for the show?"
"Costume time," says Darla, leading me over to a rack of what look like clown suits. "Find one that fits," she says, "and let's get this show on the road".
I take a costume off the rack. "We're supposed to dress up like clowns?" I ask, somewhat incredulously.
"That's the idea," says Darla. "Don't worry, you'll see when we get out there. Just play along, don't do anything stupid, and it'll be okay. We'll all survive, okay?" She already has her costume on by now.
I step into my own costume. It's a white one-piece suit with multi-coloured diamonds all over it. I've never been a big fan of clowns, though I wouldn't go so far as to say that I'm scared of them. I just don't really find them very interesting.
"Don't forget your head," says Darla, handing me a full fake mask. I stare at it: made of white plastic, with a painted red grin and small holes for eyes, it looks kind of menacing despite the smile.
"Okay," I say. "This makes a whole lot of sense".
"Relax, darling," Darla says, staring at me. "You can do this. Just don't fight it. Grinde doesn't like it when you fight it. Go with the flow".
I nod, still staring at the mask. "There's one more thing," I say, swallowing hard. "Maybe I should have mentioned this before, but I've only been a werewolf for about a week and... I don't know how to do it".
Darla stares at me blankly. "How to do what?"
"Change," I say. "I don't know how to turn into a wolf. I've done it, once, but I can't do it on command".
Darla laughs. "Don't worry about that, darling. It's all part of the show anyway". She takes my arm and leads me away from the curtain, around to where the other werewolves are standing in their own clown costumes.
"I hope you're not going to tell me to relax again," I say.
"Don't worry, darling," Darla says. "You'll be just fine. Come on, guys. Let's get started". She grabs my mask and puts it on my face, then she puts her own mask on. And with that, she and the other werewolves grab me, pick me up and carry me out into the ring, just as the little green creatures are trudging away.
The lights are bright and hot, and loud marching band music strikes up, filling the tent. I struggle to get my bearings, and with this clown mask on it's hard to see. When we reach the middle of the circle, the werewolves throw me down onto the dusty floor, momentarily winding me.
"Ladies and gentlemen!" shouts Vigrous Grinde from behind us. "Tonight, we have a very special new arrival! Meet Jessica, the little werewolf who doesn't know how to grow a tail!"
I get to my feet and look straight up at the audience, who stares impassively back down at me. Suddenly a hand grabs my shoulder and whirls me around. A clown is right up with me. "Don't make eye contact with him," she says, and I realise that under the mask it's Darla. "Play along!"
"Poor Jessica!" shouts Grinde, desperately trying to sell the show as the six other werewolves surround me. "She wants to change her form, but she has no idea how it's done. Perhaps..." He pauses, as a drumroll starts up. "Perhaps we should show her!"
The other wolves immediately change, ripping through their clown costumes as their human bodies shift and mould into their other, wolf forms. Within seconds, I find myself surrounded by six slavering, growling wolves, and they look as if they're about ready to tear me into pieces.
"That's the way to do it!" shouts Grinde, as the marching band strikes up.
Suddenly one of the wolves leaps at me, knocking me to the ground and landing right on top of me. He stares down at me, growling and dripping saliva onto my mask. For a moment, it occurs to me that he might actually be able to kill me. But then one of the other wolves knocks him over and seems to be squaring off against him.
"Looks like there's a disagreement!" shouts Grinde. "The wolves can't decide what to do with their new friend!"
I turn around just in time to see Darla shift back into her human form. Her clown costume, ripped and damaged, barely covers her naked body. "Change!" she shouts at me, anger and passion in her eyes. "You have to change now! Become one of us!"
I have no idea what to do, so I edge backwards. I turn and look up at the audience, but he's just sitting there in his usual impassive way. He clearly doesn't have any interest in what we're doing down here.
Darla grabs my arm and pulls me away from the others, dragging me over to Grinde.
"Do something!" Grinde hisses at us.
"Like what?" I ask.
"The wolf thing!" he hisses. He turns to Darla. "What causes the change?"
"Anger," she says. "Fear. Pain. It's different for every wolf".
"Anger, fear and pain, eh?" says Grinde. He nods. "I think we can arrange that. Get back out there!"
"Sorry," says Darla, grabbing me and pulling me back to the centre of the ring. I look back at Grinde just in time to see him pull the little device from his pocket.
He presses the button.
A jolt of pain shoots down my spin, knocking me instantly to my knees. The pain is only brief, but it leaves my spine singing with ripples of agony. "No," I say, but it happens again, this time knocking me all the way to the ground.
Darla comes and leans over me. "Do it," she whispers. "He'll keep hurting you until you change!"
"I can't change!" I shout at her, just as a third jolt of pain hits me. I look over at Grinde, who has the device in his hand as he stares at me, a curious smile on his face.
"You have to!" says Darla. "Too much pain like this and you'll die. You have to change!"
"I don't know how," I say, almost begging. "I've never known how to do it!" There's another jolt of pain, and it feels like my spin is burning. I start to fall, but Darla catches me and holds me up.
"Focus," she whispers. "He'll keep buzzing you until it happens. If you die, then you die. It's part of the show. Just focus. Think about something that makes you angry. Think about things that make you passionate". There's another jolt of pain, and I fall out of Darla's arms, landing on the hard, dusty ground. I look up and see the impassive face of the audience staring down at me. And suddenly it hits me: this whole place is preventing me from rescuing Duncan. Wherever he is, whatever he's doing, Duncan is undoubtedly in trouble. I should be going to save him, to help him, but instead I'm stuck here like a performing animal. I look over
at the main curtain, and I see a group of workers gathered there, including Joe. He's laughing as he watches the show.
Something starts to change inside me. I feel it bubbling up through my body. It's as if my entire being is suddenly becoming concentrated in a single point, as if I'm suddenly more 'me' than I've ever been before in my life. And I feel my bones starting to shift, to alter themselves, and my skin starts to change. I look at my hands, shocked as I see them lengthening and becoming paws with long, sharp claws. I look over at Darla, and I can see the shock and awe in her eyes. Everyone is watching me, as I feel my body mutating and my clothes ripping. I get down on my hands and knees, except I suddenly realise that I'm actually standing on four legs. And when I open my mouth to scream, I hear only the sound of a wolf howling instead.
Someone starts clapping nearby. I look over and see that it's Joe. He seems amused by what's happening to me. He seems to enjoy seeing all of this. Filled with rage and anger, I run at him, and I leap through the air and land right on top of him, biting down as hard as I can.
12
"Scream," he says softly, quietly. "All you have to do is scream and I'll put you out of your misery. Do you understand? Do you even hear me any more? You still breathe, but tell me, are you still alive in that wretched shell of a body? Is there anything left in there, or should I just put you out of your misery right now?"
13
How do you describe total blackness, total emptiness, total nothingness. That's where I am right now. No body, no mind, no soul, no thoughts or feelings. I'm just floating through the ether, completely disconnected from the real world. But there's a noise that keeps following me, preventing me from relaxing. It's a nagging, cawning noise that seems to be begging for my attention. I don't want to listen, but maybe I should, just a little? Slowly, almost unwillingly, I turn to see where the noise is coming from.
"Hey," says Darla.
I sit up suddenly and find that I'm backstage again. I look at my hands: human again. I look down at my body and see that I'm back to how I was, with a sheet covering my nakedness. But the last thing I remember is... anger. And rage.
"What happened?" I ask.
"You stole the show," says Darla, smiling. "Good job".
"I don't want to..." I pause, trying to remember what happened. "The last thing I remember is jumping at Joe. What... What happened next?"
Darla grins. "You put on a good show. You really showed the audience how powerful you can be".
"What did I do?" I ask.
Darla looks uncomfortable for a moment. "You really don't remember?"
I shake my head.
"Well..." She seems uncertain whether she should say it. At that moment, I see two workers carrying a stretcher, with a sheet covering what appears to be a body. Darla looks over at it, then looks back at me. "You weren't in control," she says kindly.
I scramble to my feet, then I run over to the stretcher and pull the sheet away. I immediately step back, repulsed by the mutilated, ripped corpse of Joe.
"I didn't do that," I say, shocked.
Darla puts an arm around me. "It's okay, darling," she says. "He had it coming".
"I couldn't have done that," I say, stepping back.
"Don't worry, darling," Darla says. "You're not in control of your wolf side. Not yet. You will be, one day. But right now, you're a little... chaotic. It's not your fault, and you certainly have nothing to feel bad about. That lowlife scum deserved everything he got".
She takes my arm and leads me to the curtain, parting it a little so that we can see out into the main ring. There's a small water tank in the middle, and Mena is swimming about, singing a beautiful soft song. The lights are low, and the audience is - as always - staring impassively. Near where Mena is swimming, there's a fresh patch of blood from Joe's body.
"The show must go on," says Darla calmly.
"This is awful," I say, but I feel strangely pacified by the song that Mena is singing. As she swims around the tank, she glances over at me and smiles. I step back, shocked that I was noticed.
"She likes you," says Darla, looking concerned. "Remember what I said. She's dangerous. She's the most dangerous thing in this place, maybe except the audience himself. Even then, she might... Just stay away, okay?"
"Sure," I say, not really meaning it.
As the singing stops, Darla leads me over to the main entrance. "Come on," she says. "We have to take a bow".
Shocked and not really sure what's happening, I stand with the other werewolves and various other creatures, and suddenly we're led out into the ring again. It seems to be the end of the show, and we line up next to Mena's tank and we bow towards the audience, who remains impassive as always.
"Hey Jess," says Mena, whispering to me. "Sounds like I was overshadowed tonight. Good job".
I nod politely, but I make sure I don't engage her in conversation.
As the noise dies down, the audience sits completely passively. He hasn't moved at all during the show. It's as if there was no show at all.
"Another excellent evening!" says Grinde, clearly trying hard to put a brave face on the disappointment.
"Don't worry," Darla whispers to me. "It's always like this".
"Everyone!" Grinde shouts at us, desperately trying to keep the energy level up. "Take a bow!"
One by one, each person steps forwards and gives a little bow to the audience. When it's my turn, I pause but eventually I give my bow. All I can think about, though, is the fact that I apparently killed Joe. No-one, not even Joe, deserves to be killed like that. If I can do something so horrific, and then not remember it, doesn't that make me a monster? I'm out of control. This time it was Joe, but who will I hurt next time.
There's a sudden noise next to me. I turn to see Darla, who has stepped forward to take her bow, tripping and landing on her face.
There's silence for a moment, and then someone starts to laugh. It's a high-pitched, unusual laugh, and at first I can't see who it's coming from. But as Darla looks up in horror, I realise that it's the audience who is laughing. Finally, his impassive little face breaks into a smile. He seems just like a normal kid now.
Darla gets to her feet, bows, and steps back into the line. She casts me a quick glance, and she's obviously terrified.
Grinde walks up to where the audience is sitting and they seem to talk for a moment, before Grinde turns to us and grins. "My friends, ladies and gentlemen! It gives me great pleasure to announce that the audience has made a decision. He has decided that tonight, one of you will be set free. For delivering a wonderful, beautifully timed and expertly crafted,routine, the audience has decided that he would like to set free our very own, dear Darla".
There's palpable tension as everyone turns to look at Darla. She stares straight ahead, seemingly not reacting to the news.
"Darla," says Grinde. "You are invited to be a guest of the audience in his tent tonight. After that, you will of course be free to leave".
Darla turns to look at me. Her eyes are filled with horror and shock. She thinks she's about to die, and I think she might be right.
14
I wake up. It's dark. But somewhere in the distance, I can hear him sharpening his blades.
15
"What about Darla?" I ask as we head backstage, having watched as Darla was led away by Grinde to go with him and the audience.
"What about her?" says Stephen, the older werewolf, as he removes his clown costume.
"What's going to happen to her?" I ask. "Come on, you can't just let her disappear".
"It's not our problem," Stephen insists. "She's the one who went and got herself noticed by the audience. Maybe he'll just let her go free. You never know".
"That's bullshit,"I say, cornering him. "You know he'll never let her go. Did he let Mags go?"
Stephen visibly whitens when I mention Mags' name, as if it brings back a memory he'd rather not revisit. "You don't know what you're talking about," he says firmly. "But seriously, don't go messing about w
ith the audience. What he wants, he gets". He looks me up and down. "That was an impressive performance tonight, the way you killed Joe. But you're no match for the audience".
"He's just a little boy," I say.
"No he's not," says Stephen. "Do you really think a little boy could control all of this? Do you really think a little boy could strike fear into the heart of Vigrous Grinde? Mark my words, the audience is far, far from a little boy". He pushes past me and heads for the door, but then he turns back to look at me. "I can't make you listen to me, but if you don't, you'll die too".
"I didn't kill Joe," I say.
"Then who did?" he replies.
"I blacked out," I insist.
"You're a new wolf. That's how it is with new wolves. But I promise you, that wolf is part of you. It is you. And you can't do anything about that".
As soon as he's disappeared out through the door, I follow and head across the clearing. I immediately spot Darla being led towards the audience's tent, and being taken inside. There's no way I can let this happen to her, whatever 'this' is. I know one thing for sure: if I don't find a way to get Darla out of that tent, and then a way to get both of us out of this carnival, there's no hope for either of us.
I turn as I hear some men talking. A small group of workers are emerging from Mena's tent, laughing among themselves as they walk away.
As soon as I know that they've gone, I run over to the tent and head inside. As expected, there's nothing and no-one in there except the tank, and the sound of Mena splashing about up there.
I run over to the steps and head up to the top, where I find Mena gently swimming in circles.
"Nice to see you again," she says. "What can I do for you this time?"
"You have to help me," I say. "You have to help me help Darla".
Mena stares at me. "I can't leave this tank," she says. "I can't help your friend".