***
“Frankie is a smart man.”
“That he is,” I reply.
“Did you ever find out what Landon and River were talking about?” Ellie asks.
“Yes.”
***
I’m wrapped up in River, skin on skin, and his hands roaming all over my body. He kisses my lips and licks my collarbone. Biting my neck, he pulls on my skin with his teeth and grips my thigh as he pushes inside. He tells me he loves me and proves it with everything he does.
***
“So you and Landon were in deep conversation earlier today,” I say. River’s head is lying on my stomach, and I run my hands through his hair.
“Yeah,” he replies.
“About?”
“Pops,” he says, sitting up. My hands fall as he grabs his smokes from the table beside the bed. Taking one out, he slides it behind his ear and stands up. He grabs his sweatpants off the floor and puts them on.
“Guess you don’t want to talk about it,” I say.
“Not really.” He takes his lighter and walks out of the room. I sigh and close my eyes for a minute, knowing this is going to be a fight. I jump up and pull my panties on, along with one of his long T-shirts before I make my way to where he is. I open the screen door and sit beside him on the steps. “Maddie, go put some fucking clothes on,” he says, looking over at me before he peers around the trailer park.
“You don’t have any on.”
“I’m not talking about me.”
“River, I’m covered up,” I say, pulling his shirt over my knees.
He rolls his eyes and takes a hit of his cigarette. “You never listen.”
“Tell me what you two were talking about.”
He looks over at me and sighs. Taking one last hit of his smoke,he stands and flicks it into the yard. “If you’re gonna be half-naked, then get in the house.”
“Fine,” I say, standing up beside him and opening the door. “After you.” I smile sarcastically.
He grabs the door. “Get in,” he says. I roll my eyes and walk past him. He slaps me on the ass, and I hear the door shut.
“So spill,” I say, plopping down on the couch, crossing my arms and ankles. He sits down beside me, bare-chested and just in sweats. He runs a hand through his hair and looks over at me. “Okay, I’ll start. Landon says Pops is in with the Brothers. Is this true?”
He smirks and shakes his head. “The boy can’t keep his mouth shut, can he?”
“Well, at least someone is being honest with me,” I say. “So it is true. What are you wanting, some kind of relationship with this man? I mean, I know he is your biological father, but really he hasn’t been there for you for years, and now all of a sudden you are speaking? I don’t understand. Who started this conversation?” I ask.
“I don’t want any relationship with him, B. I contacted him because I knew he knew people, and I wanted a job,” he says. “And I got one. It’s lined up. I start next month.”
“The hell you are, River!”
“Maddie, calm down,” he says on a deep breath. “This is going to be quick money. I’ll make enough for us to get out of here and have a good life.”
“You and this quick money shit. I have a good life. I don’t need you going into crime to make quick money.”
“I won’t be going into crime, B. Don’t act stupid.”
“Don't call me stupid, River.”
“I didn't call you stupid. I said you were acting stupid.”
“Same difference,” I say, rolling my eyes. “So, what will you be doing exactly?”
“I’ll be driving a forklift, loading the trucks.”
“Loading them with what?”
“Supplies,” he says vaguely.
“What kind of supplies?”
“Different kinds for different things,” he replies. “That’s all you need to know. So don’t go asking anyone questions. If anybody asks what I do, just tell them I work at the docks driving a forklift.”
“This sounds shady as shit, River.” I rub my face and stand up. I need something. All this stress is making me antsy. “I have to pee,” I say, walking to the back of the house and into the bathroom. Grabbing my makeup bag out from under the cabinet, I pull out the smaller bag inside and open the Q-tip holder. Tipping it upside down, two pills land in my hand as the Q-tips fall onto the countertop and to the floor. I pop the pills into my mouth and quickly pick up the mess before I put everything back and flush the toilet. I run my hands under the water and take a breath before I walk back into the living room.
“Baby, it’s going to be fine,” River says as I walk back into the room with my nail between my teeth. I walk over to him and sit down.
Searching his eyes, I say, “I don’t want you to get into trouble. It would kill me if something happened to you.”
“I won’t. This is going to be fine.”
“I don’t believe you, River. This time I don’t believe you. You don’t have to do any of this. Continue working with Frankie. You make decent money there.”
“I don’t make shit there, Maddie! Look at where I live,” he says, waving his hand around. “I don’t want you to live in a trailer park. You deserve better than this fucking trashy place.”
“We can save up and move somewhere better. I can help.”
“No!” he says, jumping up, making me flinch. “It’s my job to take care of you. Not the other way around. Especially with your dead parents’ money. You think that’s what they would have wanted? For you to take care of your deadbeat boyfriend?”
“You’re not a deadbeat. What else am I going to do with it if I can’t help us out?”
“You save it. I’m done talking about it, and I swear to God, Maddie, don’t mention it again.” He walks back to the bedroom. I pick up the remote and throw it at the wall just as River slams the door.
***
“His mind was made up, huh?” Ellie asks.
“Yes,” I reply.
“Did you try to talk him out of it again?”
“Yes, but what more was I to say? Like you said, his mind was set. I knew none of this was good, but there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.” I sigh, thinking of how things could have turned out if River would have just listened to me. “Things just went farther downhill after that,” I tell Ellie. We hear a knock on the door, and Grace pokes her head in.
“Hey, Dr. White, your five o’clock appointment is here.”
“Okay. Thanks, Grace,” Ellie replies.
“Maddie, unfortunately, we will have to finish this later.”
“That’s fine. I have some drawing I’d like to do.”
Ellie smiles. “Good. Keep at it.”
Chapter Fifteen
Days pass me by in here, and I’m drawing more. Weeks feel like months, and I am feeling better than I have in years. My sessions with Ellie continue, and I tell her more about my life with River. We are outside today taking in the fresh air while I begin to tell her how everything went to hell.
“I never moved in with River,” I say. “Once he started his job at the docks, he was working all the time. I mean late nights and early mornings. I hardly ever saw him, which gave me more time for my other addiction. The year I turned nineteen, life was pretty quiet. I drew a lot during this time, dark and deep things, and when I wasn’t drawing, I was hanging with Cali and Landon. She was no longer using drugs. I guess she grew out of it, but it wasn’t something I could grow out of. I was hooked the first time I took them. Parties were few and far between with all the kids from my class going off to college and starting their lives.
“Mikey was one of the people who moved away. I apologized to him about prom, but we were never really close afterward, and I don’t blame him for it. River and drugs clouded my mind. I tried not to use around River, but when I did, I don’t think he even noticed because he was always so tired and his own mind was busy thinking about what he had to do the next day. I started to get too comfortable with that, though.
>
“River was making killer money. He bought me a car when I turned twenty, and when he wasn’t working we went to fancy dinners and on weekend trips. We never talked about what he did because we both knew it was dirty, and there was nothing else to say about it. But nothing like that lasts forever. Soon, the walls would start to fall down around us, and it started late one Friday evening.”
***
I’m lying on the couch staring up at the ceiling. River went to get food, and I’ve chewed all of my nails off because I took my last pill a few hours ago. Panic keeps flying high inside my chest, and tingles are spreading out across my face as my anxiety goes to the roof. My addiction takes over my mind, and I jump up off the couch. I grab my phone and text D, telling him I need forty, which is ten more than I usually get, but who cares, right? He replies five minutes later, but it feels like an hour. I grab my keys, texting him I’ll meet him at our usual spot behind the bleachers at the high school. I run out of the house and jump into my car, not thinking about anything but Blues and getting rid of this anxiety. I turn onto the road to the high school and realize I have to go through the bypass, which is exactly how River will be coming home. Shit.
I hold my breath as I drive down the road, praying he won’t pass me and staring straight at the football field up ahead. I’m almost there, almost about to turn into the parking lot. Just a little farther. Headlights come up the hill, and I hold my breath as I wait to see what car passes. My palms grow sweaty, and I grip the steering wheel tight. It’s a blue Ford truck, and I release the air I was holding in my lungs. I turn into the full parking lot and park.
Getting out of my car, I shoot D a text and tell him I’m heading his way. The ground crunches below my feet as I step off the pavement and onto dirt and gravel. I make my way through the gate and head across the area of grass and dirt that’s reserved for food trucks. People are in line to get corn dogs and boxes of popcorn. The lights shine bright above the crowd of high school football fans, and I hear cheering and feet stomping. Rounding the bleachers, I see D standing by the restrooms, and I smile knowing I’m about to feel a whole lot better.
“B?” I hear and freeze. I’m talking icicle freeze. My heart kicks up its beat, pounding heavily against my ribcage. My chest caves, and I see black for a second as I close my eyes. I swallow and turn around. In jeans with black smudge on them from work, an old T-shirt and black boots, my boy stands looking at me curiously. “What the fuck are you doing?” he asks. I clear my throat.
“Um, I just needed some air.” I shrug and swallow again, because really, I needed air? That’s all my stupid brain could come up with? My throat feels dry, and my saliva feels like sandpaper. River glances past me, and I turn my head to see what he’s looking at. D stands by the bathroom, looking down at his phone. I turn back to River. He knows. Fuck, he knows.
“You been getting drugs from this motherfucker?” he asks, walking toward me.
“River,” I say with a warning, but it’s useless. He gives me a cold look as he walks past me. He’s clenched fist, hard jaw, and don’t fuck with me. D looks up as River comes toward him.
“Are you giving my girl fucking drugs, D?”
“Hey, man, if she’s buying, I’m selling.”
River laughs and looks back at me. It’s not a happy laugh; it’s a psychotic one. Because that’s what I do to this boy. I make him crazy. He turns around, and in one swift move slams his fist into D’s face. Blood splatters out of D’s nose, and River keeps going. Over and over he slams his fist into D’s face.
“River, stop!” I scream, running over to them. People grab at him to try to pull him off, but he doesn’t let up. D reaches up and clocks River in the mouth, but it doesn’t faze him. My boy is relentless, and it’s all my fault. I see people running toward us in my peripheral vision. When I turn to see, it’s the police.
“River!” I scream again. He finally stops and looks back at me. The cops grab him by his arms and pull them behind his back. They are speaking to him, but his face is passive. Everyone is watching as River looks back at D.
“You sale drugs to B again, and I’ll cut your fucking throat, you piece of shit.” He spits blood out of his mouth, and I see his teeth are red.
“That’s enough, son,” one of the men in blue says as they put handcuffs on him and shove him forward.
“River, what the hell do I do?” I ask.
“Don’t worry about it. Go home. I’ll be out in a bit.”
I shake my head, trying to understand how he is going to handle this, then realizing everyone is still staring.
“I’m so sorry, D,” I say as I walk away.
***
“How did River get out?” Ellie asks.
I sigh and rub my hand down my face. “River had one phone call, and it wasn’t to any of us. He called some guy he was working with down at the docks and was back home the next day. D didn’t press any charges either, even though River broke his nose. And I know it had to have been because of a threat.”
“You think he was threatened?”
“I’d bet my life on it,” I say, leaning my elbows on my knees and linking my fingers together.
“Okay, so what happened after that?”
“I went over to his house as soon as he got out,” I reply. “Apologizing like crazy, but it was a selfish apology. He messed up my drug connection, and I needed him to be my new one.”
***
“River, I’m sorry,” I say. “I…I couldn’t help it.”
“You lied to me, B. You have been lying to me for months about this shit. And you want to know the sad part? I knew it. I knew you were still taking those fucking pills.” He’s just out of the shower, and in nothing but basketball shorts.
“I tried to quit. I swear I did. I can’t help it,” I say, sitting down on the couch. My fingers shake, and my lungs feel uneasy as my knee bounces. It’s been almost a whole day without one, and I’m going through withdrawals. I stole a bottle of Frankie’s whiskey last night to make myself pass out, but this time is nothing like the last. I’m hooked. My whole body tingles with anxiety, and I feel sick.
“Why?” he asks. “Why can’t you help it? It’s got you like that, B?”
“Yes,” I say, looking up at him.
“You need help.” He sits down beside me and runs his hands through his shower clean hair. He’s lost because he doesn’t know what to do with me.
“I just need a pill a day. I can wing myself off it. I know I can stop if I can just do it slowly. This cold turkey isn’t working,” I tell him, feeling a cold sweat break across my face.
“Fuck, B,” he says, looking at me. “You’re pale as shit.”
“Please, River, baby. Just get me one last bit of them. I will quit. I promise,” I beg. Because that’s what this shit has done to me. I’m down to begging one addiction for the other. Love and a generic form of heroin battle each other inside my head, and I’m starting to think the chemicals are winning. My eyes sting with tears, and I blink. They roll down my cheeks, and I take a deep breath, trying with everything in me to overcome this.
“Don’t cry, baby,” he says, grabbing me. My mind is racing, trying to come up with a way to get more. He kisses my face and rubs the tears away with his hand. New calluses run across my cheek, and I lean into him. I touch my lips to his and try to clear my head of everything but River Dawson. But my mind is crazy, and as he deepens our kiss and pushes me back against the couch, I think of Cali. Maybe she can contact D and get some pills to give me. I’ll tell her to say she doesn’t even talk to me anymore. River runs his hand up my thigh, and my dress moves with it. Revealing my lace panties, he moves them to the side and rubs his fingers against me. And because I have figured out a way, some of the anxiousness leaves my body.
He leans back, watching me, as his hands love me. I reach up and pull his shorts down. After grabbing his cock from his boxers, I grip his shoulder with my free hand and pull him down closer to me. He removes his fingers and slides in, and I
moan when he starts moving, because this is the next best thing—us together like this. He bites down on my neck, and I dig into the couch with my heels, trying to get more. Withdrawing, he sinks back in. I grab his ass and press him in farther. He shows me his dimples when he lifts his lips.
“I love you, B,” he says. “I’ll do anything for you. You know that, baby?”
“Yes,” I breathe. My feet slide his shorts down the back of his legs before my ankles cross behind his back. He’s needed kisses and endless love, my sweet addiction, and I’m riding high on him for a moment until it all stops and that wicked blue calls for me. He keeps driving on, hitting me where only he has ever been.
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