by Shona Husk
“Getting back with the ex never ends well…how about I take him off your hands?” Ash grinned.
The idea of Felan with someone else pressed on the jealousy she thought she’d left far behind. The old fear that she wasn’t enough to hold his attention, that when he wasn’t with her, he was with someone else, bubbled back up. He’d been away seven years—what did she think he had been doing? He had probably been off cavorting in Annwyn with lots of beautiful fairies. He hadn’t come back here to hook back up with her. No, all he wanted were some answers. That, she could give him.
“You don’t want to get mixed up with his kind.”
“Crime?” Ash lowered her voice as if Felan had possibly planted a bug and was now listening to every word.
She realized she was dangerously close to revealing how delicate her hold on what people perceived as reality was. No, he’s not a crime boss; he’s the Prince of Annwyn, you know, the Underworld. Heaven, Hell, and all of that.
She wished he’d never told her the truth, that he’d let her drift along in ignorance. At least then her recovery would have been simple, not complicated by things that shouldn’t exist.
Jacqui glanced at Ash. It was just simpler to agree. “All kinds.”
“So you agreed to see him after work because…?”
“Because he owes me.” And she owed him. This was the conversation they should have had years ago. He should have been with her in the hospital, instead of being given the brush-off by her mother.
“Should I call the cops if you don’t come home?”
Jacqui smiled. If she didn’t come home, there was nothing anyone could do for her. Still, it was nice that someone cared if she vanished. “Give me a few hours with him.”
“Is he why you moved from Chicago?”
She bit the inside of her lip and didn’t answer.
Ash put her hand on her arm. “Are you sure this is a good idea? He’s tracked you down. He must want something from you.”
“He won’t hurt me.” She wouldn’t let him hurt her again. There was nothing she could give him that he hadn’t already had and thrown away. But Ash had reinforced the nagging question of what he wanted. There was more to it than finding out what had happened to their baby. She hadn’t spoken about it to anyone in so long, but he had the right to know. Maybe that was all he wanted, peace of mind that he couldn’t have done anything different. She knew now that it wasn’t her fault either. It was just one of those unfortunate things.
While it wasn’t his fault, what had happened, it was his fault that he wasn’t there to grieve with her and stop her from falling apart. It was his fault she saw things she shouldn’t. When she saw him after work, she’d make him explain what he’d done to her and take it back. Then, she could go back to being normal instead of pretending to be normal.
***
The street was busy with people enjoying the warm weather. It was nice to feel the sun on his skin instead of the chill of Annwyn, but even here he could feel the cold as if it were part of him. No one was paying any attention to him as he walked by. It had been a long time since he’d felt his heart thump with excitement instead of warning.
He was used to living dangerously, but he’d forgotten what it was like to be in the mortal world, doing simple things, not worrying about Annwyn falling down around him. He knew he couldn’t ignore it forever, or even for very long. But for the next few hours, he would. Felan pushed up his shirtsleeve and checked his watch. He had a couple of hours to kill.
He hadn’t let himself plan beyond seeing her and getting her to acknowledge he existed. That part had been surprisingly easy—although not entirely painless. Now he needed to work out what his next step was. Which meant he had to decide if this was just a chance to clean wounds and let the past heal in peace, or a chance to resurrect and resuscitate what had once been between them. And the whole time, he had to consider Annwyn and the mortal world.
Sometimes what was best for the two worlds wasn’t what was best for him. He understood that now. Before, he’d thought he could have it all, which had resulted in him losing everything. He walked around shops, aimlessly looking at things he didn’t need while at the same time assessing every woman he passed. None of them made his pulse quicken. He didn’t want anyone else. He wasn’t ready to move on.
Yet he knew if Jacqui really didn’t want him, he couldn’t drag her to Annwyn. He’d have to find someone else. Within two weeks. Plenty of people had married for business and eventually found happiness.
Happiness wasn’t love. Nothing could substitute love, and while his father believed he didn’t have the luxury of love as King, Felan believed differently. Love wasn’t a luxury; it was an essential. He stopped at a flower shop. She’d given him a chance, and he wasn’t going to let it go to waste. The fate of two worlds hung on what happened next.
It was times like these he envied his changeling son. Caspian only had to worry about his life, not the lives of billions.
***
At a quarter to five, Felan waited outside the coffee shop. He took a table on the sidewalk and placed the flowers down. They were probably not the right gesture, but he appreciated that she was seeing him. He was also watching everyone around him very closely. He’d spent the afternoon making sure he wasn’t being followed by any fairies—including those who had been banished or exiled from Court. Just because he knew Sulia was moving against him didn’t mean he knew everyone who was on her side, or those who pretended to be on her side. Being seen with Jacqui would only draw unwanted and dangerous attention to her—the same as it had always been.
He raked his fingers through his hair. Everything he did was a risk to someone or something. It would be nice to make a simple decision once in a while. He’d spent longer than necessary picking the damn flowers because he was worried about the message they’d give her. He couldn’t even work out what to say to her. What had been very little time for him had been years for her. And yet, the flicker in her eyes when she’d seen him was enough for him to know that there was something there—something other than fear and hate, but they had been there too. He didn’t like that he’d been the cause.
She came out of the shop, a bright turquoise handbag slung over her shoulder. “Not here,” Jacqui said with barely a glance at him. Then, she walked past him without pausing.
Felan grabbed the flowers and followed, not wanting to give her any opportunity to walk away—not yet, anyway. But he’d already reconciled that he might have to let her go. She might have changed too much; he might have changed. The ashes might be too cold.
She stopped at a bench facing the ocean and sat down. The noise of the waves rolling against the sand curdled his blood. No doubt she’d picked this place deliberately, instead of walking inland. Reluctantly, he sat too. He’d have preferred to keep walking.
“These are for you. To thank you for seeing me.” Tread carefully. The ice he was on was as delicate as the ice forming at the edge of the river of damned souls. If he fell in, it would be no less dangerous.
People walked by, paying them little regard. Here, they were just another couple. It was reassuring that he wasn’t the only man to ever have to try and win his lover’s heart back. As soon as he thought this, he knew that was what he wanted to do. Since meeting Jacqui, he’d never wanted anyone but her. But unlike his plots and games at Court, he really had no idea where to start or even how to play. He was going to have to throw everything he had at getting her to at least smile at him and agree to see him again. The alternative was really unattractive.
Jacqui looked at the flowers, then him. Her gaze was wary, as if she expected a trick of some kind.
He tried not to fidget under her scrutiny. He didn’t feel like a Prince when she looked at him. He felt like he should be on his knees, apologizing for not being there when she’d obviously needed him. Apologizing didn’t happen in Annwyn, as that would mean admitti
ng to being wrong in the first place. “They are still your favorite?”
“Yes.” She smiled, the tiniest curve of the corner of her lips. She took them from him and placed the bouquet between them on the bench. Then she watched him carefully, clearly expecting him to go first.
At least she hadn’t thrown the flowers at him. He took that as a good sign. He leaned forward, resting his forearms on his thighs. He’d had plenty of time to think about what to say, the things he should’ve said that day, things he should’ve done differently. He decided to go with the simple truth. “I got called away. I lost track of time in this world.”
From the corner of his eye he saw her nod. He’d used the same lines so many times before. She knew what was a few hours there could be days here, weeks at worst.
“That’s not an apology.”
Maybe not but it was the truth, and he wasn’t sure how to apologize for something he couldn’t have avoided. What he should’ve done was take her with him, but she probably didn’t want to hear that. “I’m not sure I’m ready to give one. I was doing my job.”
Jacqui turned, one leg resting on the bench, her knee jutting toward him. “You were gone eight weeks, Felan. In those eight weeks, my life as I’d known it ended.”
He got that, he really did, because the life he’d hoped to have with her had been destroyed, but telling her that now wasn’t the right move either. Not when he still didn’t understand the reason why. “What is ectopic?”
She pressed her lips together and stared at him before answering. “How can you know so much about some things and yet be so oblivious about others?”
“It’s not a word I’ve come across in my interaction with the mortal world.” There were plenty of things he didn’t understand, but he tried to keep a grasp on the basics. How could he judge souls when he became the King of Annwyn if he didn’t understand the life they’d led?
“The baby was growing in my fallopian tube—you know what they are?”
He closed his eyes. He knew, and he could also figure out the rest. If he’d known back then… Instead, he’d thought the worst of Jacqui’s mother—and Jacqui. Mrs. Ara had let that happen. She’d have done anything to get him away from Jacqui. No doubt his mother would’ve approved of that power play—he should’ve seen it coming, instead of believing that mortals weren’t as conniving as fairies.
“I was hoping you’d come back soon, so we could tell my parents together. I waited and waited. They worked it out when I passed out and started hemorrhaging. They were less than thrilled.”
“I can imagine.” Mrs. Ara would’ve hated Jacqui being pregnant by him.
“Maybe I should have listened to them.”
He flinched at the sharp tone of her voice. “I thought your mother…” He couldn’t even say it.
Jacqui drew in a sharp breath. “Had forced me to terminate?”
Felan nodded.
She shook her head, her disbelief etched on her face. “No. I would never have done that. Did you really think I had?”
“I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what was wrong with you, but I knew something wasn’t right. Why didn’t you say something?”
“Why didn’t you stay?”
He closed his eyes. He’d barely been able to hold himself together. Jacqui had needed him to stay, and he’d let himself be swallowed up by his own concerns. He knew then what he should be apologizing for and what she needed to hear. However, it still took a few moments for the words to form, as they were so foreign on his tongue. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.” He opened his eyes and looked at her. “You know I wanted to be there to tell them.”
Jacqui shrugged and shook her head. “Really? You were always taking off with no notice for unspecified amounts of time, to God knows where.”
“I was in Annwyn.” It sounded like a lame excuse even as he said it.
She went on as if he hadn’t spoken. “Then you’d come back and expect to pick up where we’d left off. You should have seen the look on your face when you realized I wasn’t pregnant. I’ll never forget it.”
“Babies are precious. It is so difficult for a fairy to have a child, even with a human.” He’d been shocked, gutted. That had been the lowest point of his long life. He’d barely walked away before crumbling. It had taken hours to pull himself together enough to go back to Annwyn. He hadn’t been able to let anyone see how shattered he was, so he’d kept it to himself all the pain and disappointment, the broken trust and lost love. He’d been tempted to go back to her, but the situation in Annwyn had worsened—looking back, he knew it had been deliberate—and then it had become too hard to even look at her in the mirror. Those memories were still sharp.
“So you assumed the worst?”
He had, and he should’ve known that she would never do that. When he didn’t answer straight away, she stood up.
He stood too. If he was to have any hope, he had to be honest with her. “You’re right. I thought your parents had found out and had talked you around. I thought you’d gotten scared. Hell, that you’d changed your mind about everything I’d said. You told me fairies weren’t real, as if you were denying my existence, our child’s existence. What was I supposed to think?”
“You could’ve come back and asked me. You could’ve done something instead of run.”
“I didn’t know how to deal with it any better than you.”
“You should’ve been there for me.” She was almost snarling, as if all the old hurt was rising back up.
He took a breath and refused to drown in those emotions again. “Yes, I should have been. But I can’t change that. It’s been seven years for you; for me it feels much more recent.
She crossed her arms and tilted her head slightly. He’d seen that look before, when he’d told her he was fairy. “You’ve been in Annwyn this whole time?”
Except for a few mortal hours here and there. “Politics are bad, factions are working against me. I was trying to numb the pain and pretend it never happened.” He shook his head. He didn’t know what else he could say. Nothing he did or said could change what had happened, as much as he wished otherwise. All that wasted time. If he’d been with her, they could’ve gotten through it together. Sulia and her schemes had taken the one thing he valued more than the throne of Annwyn.
***
Jacqui looked at him again, and this time he didn’t bother to hide the hurt in his eyes. It would be so easy to believe him. And if he’d been there when she’d needed him, she would’ve believed him without a doubt. The bright yellow flowers lay on the bench, and he was apologizing for something that had happened years ago as if it were recent news. While it was nice to hear, she didn’t need it. She didn’t need him.
“It happened; you ran.” She looked away and stared at the waves, the happy couples and families on the beach, all without a care. Maybe on the inside there was turmoil, but to the casual observer, they seemed to be enjoying life. That could’ve been them. It could still be them. He was here…seven years too late, but he was here. She pushed the thought aside. “I fell once and I got hurt. I can’t do it again.”
“I never meant to hurt you. Things were dangerous.”
She spun back to face him, the breeze tugging at her curls and pulling them free. “You always said that. Has nothing changed for you?”
He paused, and she could see him thinking, trying to work out how to answer her. He wouldn’t lie, but it wouldn’t be the whole truth either. Secret fairy business. God, she didn’t miss that. The never knowing when to expect him or for how long he’d stay. Could they have even lasted as a couple?
“Things have changed. None for the better.” He smiled, but it was forced. “Tell me about those missing eight weeks. You always used to fill me in on what had happened while I was gone.”
“That’s because we were together. We aren’t anymore.”
“I didn’t stop caring, even when I was convinced you’d cut out my heart and dropped it on the floor.”
The retort she’d been about to make died on her tongue. She realized that from his position on her parents’ doorstep, that day looked very different. By the time he’d returned and knocked on the door, she’d listened to too many people bad-mouth him and popped too many pills to think clearly. She’d been numb, and seeing him had only brought back the pain and the feelings of abandonment. She couldn’t do that again, and yet talking to him now felt natural—as though they were just catching up.
“When my parents wouldn’t let up about where you were, I told them you were a fairy.” That had been her first mistake. It had been rapidly downhill from there.
Felan winced. He knew them well enough to know what that meant; he’d had dinner at their house a number of times. They still hadn’t trusted him. He was too smooth, too rich, too something. But the more her mother had interfered and tried to discourage the relationship, the more Jacqui had enjoyed it, reveling in the rebellion and him. Around him, she’d always felt special.
“I’d also started seeing things, flickers at first. Then, after I’d been in hospital, they became solid.” She knew what went bump in the night and it wasn’t pretty. “Anyway, I wasn’t coping with the loss, and then I was talking about seeing monsters and fairies, so they took me to a shrink who put me on meds. When you finally showed up, I didn’t want to see you. You had wrecked my life without a backward glance.” She picked up her handbag and the flowers, hoping he’d be happy with the answer and that he’d gotten what he needed to leave her alone.
“I’m sorry.” He touched her hand for a moment and her skin warmed.
“It’s too late for sorry.” She gave an awkward shrug. Was there anything she wanted from him anymore? She looked at him without getting caught in his cool, green gaze. He still had the power to make her heart flutter like a butterfly in the breeze. There was one question she had left unanswered. “What are the monsters I see?”