by Marie Yates
There have been a lot of lessons for all of us in this week. It’s been strange, but going for walks with Mum has meant that we have talked a lot more. Not always about deep and meaningful stuff, but just talked about things we’d like to do now we’re somewhere new and memories of fun times together. I have learnt some embarrassing stories about my childhood too! Apparently when I was a toddler I used to cry to get out of my buggy and then run as fast as I could before crying ‘bloody murder’, to quote Mum, and refusing to be put back in. I sound like I was a fabulous child to be around. More than anything, there has been a lot of laughing. Mainly at Reggie rather than my childhood escapades! He has really brought us closer. I have even started to master the ‘mum voice’ that makes him do as he’s told!
Eleven
I’m so glad today is nearly over as it means Mum will calm down again. It was the first time my grandparents (her parents!) had come to see us in the new house. We don’t really see much of them so whenever they come and see us it’s a really big deal. Mum spends at least two days fretting about it and cleaning everything in sight. It’s not that they’re horrible people (most of the time); we’re just not that close.
During the court case they said some things to Mum that caused some tension. Apparently Mum wasn’t looking after me properly and not keeping me safe. She was distraught when they said that as she was afraid that’s what people would think. She also did feel responsible even though there was absolutely no reason why she should. I had walked that way home from school every day for a couple of years! How she could possibly feel responsible was beyond me. Hearing someone say it out loud really hurt her. Especially when it was said by the very people she needed for support. Needless to say, we didn’t see a lot of them after that.
Today was the first time we’d seen them since the court case had ended and, thankfully, everything had calmed down. We were on safe ground in our new home and Mum was trying to build bridges. We had told them that we’d got a dog now, but they hadn’t really asked anything about him on the phone. Reggie welcomed the knock on the door with his usual deafening bark, which meant they were a little quiet when we opened the door. Reggie was still in the kitchen because we weren’t completely sure how he would react. After all, these were our first visitors in the new house.
Mum said that she’d leave the guided tour until later and sent them to the living room with me while she made tea. They gave me a big hug and asked me how I was doing. They used ‘that’ voice though. The voice that is softened and always accompanied with a tilt of the head and a gentle nod. When I said I was doing great, loving the new house and excited about them meeting Reggie, they continued to nod with concerned faces. Then they said, ‘It’s okay, you don’t have to pretend with us, we know how hard it is for you.’ Great. Firstly, no they don’t know. Secondly, I was telling them the truth. I could sit in a corner weeping and wailing if that would make them feel better, but it certainly wouldn’t make me feel better. Before I had a chance to respond, Mum had arrived with the tea. She could see by my face that they had obviously already started, so returned to the safe conversation options of how their journey was and what the weather had been like. We didn’t really care about either, but at least nobody could get too upset by the traffic building up on the motorway, and the weather forecast for the day that may or may not include drizzle.
I asked them if they wanted to meet Reggie as I was desperate to introduce him and also pretty intrigued to see how he’d react to new people being in his house. They still didn’t ask anything about him, so I just went downstairs, opened the kitchen door, and he bounded up the stairs with all the decorum of a baby elephant. He made it up to the living room much faster than me and by the time I got there it was clear that my grandparents were not impressed. Reggie had his head in Grandma’s handbag and had whipped Grandpa’s knee with his unstoppable wagging tail. Mum finally got him to lie down but he was very excited and wouldn’t stay down for long. He came and sat with me and was happily showing off his new trick of offering me his paw. Even this did not impress them as they were slowly regaining some composure, and Grandma was wiping slobber from her handbag.
‘What the hell are you doing with a dog like that? Hasn’t Danielle been through enough?’ my Grandpa said. Our balloon of excitement had been burst and utterly deflated.
I could see that Mum was utterly disappointed and frustrated. All she wanted to do was show them that she was doing her best for me. She really is an amazing mum, yet they just want to criticise her at every opportunity. Before she had a chance to speak I said, ‘Just look at him. Don’t look at the black and tan Rottweiler face or the giant German Shepherd tail. Don’t see his muscle or his oversized teeth and don’t judge him based on what you think you know. Just look at him. He’s lying here next to me offering me his paw. He is gentle, loyal and all he really wants is for someone to rub his belly!’ As if on cue he rolled over and with all four legs in the air he lay there as I stroked him. ‘How scary is that?’
Mum smiled at me with a tear in her eye as both of my grandparents came over to stroke Reggie. He was basking in the glory of all that attention, and Grandma just looked at me and said, ‘You’re right, he’s not so scary after all and maybe you really are doing okay.’ It seems it wasn’t just Reggie she had taken the time to look at. She had looked at me too.
That was all it took for us to actually have a really nice day together. They were complimentary about our new house and even treated us to a delicious lunch. We took them on walkies this afternoon and it turns out that Grandpa is a pretty impressive ball thrower. I’m sure that they were sorrier to leave Reggie than us this evening. Can’t blame them!
Twelve
Shopping is never something I really want to do, but when it involves school uniforms and a whole list of other things I’ll need for the upcoming educational adventure it’s even less fun than usual. We tried to make it slightly more enjoyable with a pub lunch but even that wasn’t really helping. It was becoming real now. I guess that moving away and getting Reggie had been so exciting that I’d almost forgotten that the summer holidays wouldn’t last forever. My safe little cocoon was about to unravel. I’m not completely sure I’m ready for that to happen yet.
Trying on the new school uniform upset me more than I thought it would. It suddenly hit me that I may never see my old friends again, and I actually had quite a nice life before. With the obvious exception of what happened to me, I was happy there. My friends hadn’t deliberately upset me; they just had no idea how to deal with such a difficult situation. I know that they did the best they could. Nobody had ever talked to us about rape and it certainly wasn’t a topic of conversation at school. It was weird but I remember someone talking about what had happened to me and then talking about sex education in the same sentence. One of the more dopey teachers had asked me if I was doing okay being back at school. I went with the easy option of ‘yes, thanks‘, as I didn’t really have a clue whether I was ‘doing okay’ or not. She asked if there was anything she could do and then asked if there was anything the school could have done differently ‘like better sex education’ or more information about ‘how to protect myself‘. Like that would have helped?! Unless they were going to issue everyone with a security guard to walk them home I’m not sure how ‘more information’ would have helped and as for better sex education. What the hell did she think had happened to me? Did she think it my fault or something I wanted? Silly cow. I often wondered if people would have reacted in the same way if I had been beaten to a pulp and had very obvious physical scars. By the time I returned to school, the bruises I had were long gone and I looked exactly the same as I did when I had last been there.
Talking about sex was always a bit of a laugh and a joke, but obviously, what happened to me was no laughing matter. Jane had spent hours with me explaining that what happened to me was violence and that sex had been used as a weapon. I just was never sure how to put it into words and I wish I’d been braver about talking t
o my friends. After my ‘chat’ with Mrs Dopey I wanted to tell my friends about it, but I just didn’t know how. They asked if I was okay as they noticed I’d stayed behind after class. I couldn’t find the words and before I had a chance to answer I heard one of them say, ‘So is anyone else wearing blue to the party this weekend as I don’t want to clash.’
A fierce look was shot in her direction followed by, ‘Like Dani wants to hear about your stupid colour issues, there are bigger things happening in the world you know.’
I wish I could have found the words to explain to them that they can still talk to me in the same way they always had. I wasn’t wearing blue because I hadn’t been invited and nobody had even thought to mention the party to me. Just because someone had been violent towards me in the most horrific way, I hadn’t lost the ability to be a friend. I wanted to be there for them as much as I wanted them to be there for me. I wanted to talk about colour clashes, why I thought her latest boyfriend had stopped texting her, and what was going on at the weekend. I know that they had their own stuff going on, but they just didn’t want to burden me with what they considered to be little things. As I stood there in my new uniform, feeling alone, frightened and a little bit silly, I just burst into tears.
Mum sensed some apprehension and paid for the uniform in order to get us out of there quickly. Unfortunately our speedy exit has resulted in a slightly oversized regulation pullover and a polo shirt that would be tight on Barbie. That aside, I just felt completely overwhelmed.
I wanted to call my old friends, but, at the same time, I never wanted to see them again. I wanted to start school and get that first day over with, but, at the same time, I never wanted that day to come. I wanted to explain to Mum exactly what was going on in my head but I had absolutely no idea where to start.
What came out of my mouth was a hysterical mash up of random words, which even I couldn’t make sense of. Mum didn’t stand a chance. She picked up all of the shopping, put her spare arm around me and guided me back to the car. I felt so stupid! I was doing really well, but all of a sudden my little head went into overdrive. Back at home, Mum put the kettle on to make a cuppa and I took Reggie up to the living room.
Just sitting with him calmed me down. With a cuppa in hand, I just said to Mum that I felt completely overwhelmed. ‘Mum, it all feels too much, I don’t know what to do.’
‘Do you want to talk about it, love?‘ Mum asked, but I couldn’t. Sensing my lack of words, she left the room for a moment. On her return, she bought back some felt tip pens and paper.
‘If you can’t say it, maybe you could just write it or draw it?’
So I did. I ended up with a giant spider diagram of what was going on in my head. No wonder I was a mess. It took me ages and as soon as I wrote one thing down, twenty more things would pop into my head. There were things popping up that I didn’t even realise I was thinking about. Mum just sat quietly on the sofa, not saying anything and not reading what I was writing down. Reggie lay next to me, occasionally looking up, and resisted the urge to eat the pens.
I felt exhausted when I’d finished. Exhausted and very relived. Just getting it out of my head without anyone interrupting or feeling like I had to talk was brilliant. I love having this journal but just having a giant, blank piece of paper that I could brain dump onto was very therapeutic.
‘Sorry, Mum.’ I wanted to apologise for my outburst in the uniform shop.
She just laughed and said, ‘It’s amazing the lengths you’ll go to, to get out of uniform shopping.’ She told me that she has sometimes done this with a giant piece of paper too and that she feels a bit scared about starting the new job! It was nice to know that what I was feeling was completely normal! It turns out that grown-ups aren’t all that sorted either. I think I’ll sleep well tonight as for the first time in ages my head doesn’t feel like it’s spinning. There’s a lot to be said for a decent brain dump!
Thirteen
Only two days until I start school. The fear keeps coming and going. Ever since my mini breakdown in the uniform shop I’ve been feeling a lot calmer. I decided that I’d write to my friends so that at least I had said some of the things I wanted to say.
Hey,
I’m about to start the new school and it has made me think about you. I just wanted to write and say thank you for all those years of friendship. I have so many happy memories, like when we thought it would be funny to burn an incense stick in the English lesson and the new teacher lost it trying to figure out where the smell was coming from. Dropping the bag of sweets that we shouldn’t have been eating in the French class was another highlight and not embarrassing at all! We’ve had a lot of fun and I am really going to miss you. I hope you don’t miss me too much as you start the dreaded Year 11. Good luck. You know I’m just a phone call away if you want to catch up and if you ever want to come and stay it would be great to see you.
Miss you,
Dani x
It was a relief once I’d posted them really; I didn’t want to constantly be wondering if I could have done more and at least this way I’ve hopefully made them smile.
One of the other things that I didn’t realise I’d been worrying about was leaving Reggie. Apart from a few trips into town, Mum and I hadn’t really left him on his own. We’ve started to get him into a routine this week and I’m feeling a bit better about it now. It turns out that once he’s had his long morning walk and his breakfast he’ll happily just go to sleep! He wakes up when the post is delivered and lets the world know he’s here, but otherwise he is sound asleep. When Mum starts work it’s going to be my job to walk him. I’ve been taking him by myself and he’s perfectly well behaved. I also feel really safe when I’m out with him. All of these things had been playing on my mind and once I’d written them down I knew that I could do something about it. Mum had been worried about me going walkies on my own too, so it’s easing her worries that I’m enjoying it so much. The big park near where we live thankfully has street lights all around it, so even when it starts to get dark it will be okay. Mum had thought about all of these things when we moved. All I thought about was how to arrange my room!
On our walk this morning I let Reggie off the lead as usual and he went running towards his favourite tree. He saw a squirrel there a couple of weeks ago and now has to check every morning if the squirrel is back. I saw a guy walking along the path towards me. He was dressed in a suit, carrying a briefcase and talking on his mobile phone, so there was no logical reason why I felt my blood run cold. I was really scared. As he walked towards me, I don’t think he even noticed I was there. I felt Reggie’s cold, wet nose touch my hand and he stood beside me. He must have sensed that I was frightened as usually he was far too busy on squirrel patrol even to glance in my direction. Reggie sat next to me, staring at the guy on the phone. He had certainly noticed I was there now and looked at me as if to ask if Reggie was friendly. I smiled at him and said, ‘He’s fine.’ The man smiled back and carried on walking. There wasn’t anything to fear for either of us, and a simple smile was all it took for us both to be reassured. I felt safe and so grateful that Reggie had behaved like that. He certainly looks like a dog you wouldn’t want to mess with, even though I am not completely sure what he would actually do if I needed protection.
The selfless act of abandoning squirrel patrol was worth it for Reggie as Mum was so proud that she cooked him chicken for dinner. She even called my grandparents to tell them about it.
I have spent this evening getting everything ready for school. Like all the other things I’ve worried about, when I actually do something about it I’m not quite as frightened. I have my uniform ready and I hope that it will be a warm day so that I don’t need to wear my oversized pullover. All of my stationery is packed away and I have the real essentials ready in my new bag: lip balm and tissues. I’ll be taking my own lunch as both of my experiences of school dinners weren’t great. According to the woman we spoke to earlier this year, I’d be getting everything else I need
at the start of term. I even walked Reggie to the school gate this morning to work out exactly how long it would take. About six minutes! Mum had thought that through too as she didn’t want me walking a long way to school any more. One annoying thing is that the jewellery policy says I can’t wear my bracelet. I’m getting into a habit of taking it off in the morning and putting it back on in the evening, so I don’t miss it too much. It’s amazing how attached I’ve become to it. As a replacement to make me smile, Jane sent me some red pens and pencils that would comply with school rules and still remind me to be courageous. They’re packed! So, there’s not much more I can do to prepare. The scary is part is not knowing what’s actually going to happen.
I wonder if anyone in my new Form Group even knows that they’ll be a new kid starting? I wonder if they’ll even care? We called it Tutor Groups in my last school. I hadn’t ever considered what it must be like for a new kid starting school. We had a couple of new kids throughout my time in my old school and I didn’t give it a second thought. Now, I wish I’d made more effort to at least smile at them.
Fourteen
The best part of today was the Chinese takeaway we’ve just eaten.
I made it through my first day, but I’m not really feeling the love for going back tomorrow. I guess it could have been worse, although I’m not sure how.
I got there on time despite Reggie choosing this morning to roll in something that doesn’t even bear thinking about. I had to hose him down when I got home, so I was running late and worried that it was a sign of how the rest of my day was going to go. I was right. Washing Reggie was actually a highlight! So, I turn up at school in time to hear the first bell and find my way to my Form Group as I was instructed. The teacher, Miss Haywood, spotted me and welcomed me in. ‘You must be Danielle.’