The Hockey Player's Heart

by Will Knauss

  Gently, Caleb guided Aaron’s head to rest against his shoulder and kissed the top. “I’m glad you told me. It helps me understand why you tense up or seem sad. You have to know, I want you. I have since I was sixteen, and these past few days have shown me that’s still true. You’re worth doing whatever it takes to make you comfortable with us. You just have to tell me.”

  “You know there’s a lot more stuff we need to work through, right?”

  “I do.”

  “Let’s not forget that you’re a superstar. You’re one of the faces of Rangers hockey and the other guy was just an outfielder with an inflated ego and a crappy disposition. I’m still just a teacher from upstate New York. Do you really think people are going to accept that?”

  “We’re just two boys from Foster Grove who finally decided to give it a shot after years of dreaming about it. Who cares what people say? We’re the only ones who count. And if you say no—” Caleb’s chest rose and fell under Aaron—it didn’t sound like a sigh; it was a deep steadying breath. “If you ultimately decide no, I’ll try to accept that. But let me show you what I already know—we’d be amazing together.”

  “Your enthusiasm’s is reassuring.” Aaron pressed closer to Caleb.

  “Good.” He kissed the top of Aaron’s head again. “You know you’ve got the perfect defender, right?”

  “Really?” Aaron had no idea.

  “Pam. She’ll kick my ass if I hurt you.”

  “Oh yeah.” Aaron laughed a little, which felt good. “That probably goes both ways.”

  “True.”

  Aaron pulled on Caleb’s shoulders, and he lowered himself so they ended up lying together. Without a word they wrapped themselves around each other and made out.

  Chapter Eighteen

  WHAT did you do?

  The voice in Aaron’s head repeated that question over and over as soon as he left his apartment for work on Monday morning. He’d managed to stay in a cocoon with Caleb on Sunday. After Aaron unloaded his baggage, they’d spent the rest of the day exploring each other and eventually ordered dinner in. They stayed away from discussing anything that had to do with their future, which should’ve been their primary focus.

  Then there was the sex.

  The first round had been amazing, with the unexpected twist that he had fucked Caleb. When they got going for round two, Caleb took control, proving that he had grace and athletic prowess both on and off the ice. The way they connected, physically and emotionally, was unlike anything Aaron had ever experienced. Caleb had amazing technique. At one point, he had kept Aaron on edge for so long that when the two of them finally came together, it was like the world shattered into a million multicolored pieces before peacefully returning—whole, the two of them together.

  Caleb stayed, and there was no denying that Aaron enjoyed waking up next to him. They even left at the same time—Caleb for his morning workout and Aaron for school. It felt so natural, as if they’d always done it and always would.

  Aaron’s internal voice spoke up as soon as he was in the car alone. He’d really screwed up. His heart had betrayed his brain by discussing Tyson, which consequently brought him closer to Caleb.

  Everything since their first dinner had been amazing. Reconnecting with Caleb. Discovering the attraction. He could be the one.

  Aaron slammed his hand on his steering wheel as he sat at a red light. At what cost, though? This couldn’t end well. Caleb was going back to New York in two days. His rehab time in Foster Grove was just that. Despite anything Caleb might have said on how it—they—could work, nothing was decided.

  Aaron thought he was pretty good at being alone. He’d dated on and off before Tyson and understood balancing schedules, especially across the vast expanse that was LA where any relationship could feel long-distance simply because of the time it could take driving anywhere. Then Tyson came along and nudged him slowly into a corner. Aaron had let that happen; he couldn’t allow that again. He was still working to get back to being okay. He trusted Caleb, but what feelings would be triggered while Caleb was traveling? It wasn’t just road games that would keep Caleb away, though. They didn’t even live in the same city.

  As he pulled into the school parking lot, he struggled to stuff those feelings into a box because he couldn’t fixate on any of this during the day. He had students to teach and some parents to meet with in the afternoon—meetings he should’ve prepped for yesterday but hadn’t. That would have to get done during lunch.

  Pam leaned against her car with a coffee in her hand and another on the hood.

  She was early.

  Despite starting the morning with Caleb, Aaron had arrived at school at his usual time, and it looked like she was going to take advantage of that.

  “Shit,” Aaron whispered, even though he was alone in the car. This would be about the picture. He’d had a dozen missed calls and texts from her yesterday. Caleb and Aaron had turned off their phones so they wouldn’t hear the new notifications while they were together. In hindsight it was foolish, a childish attempt to keep the real world at bay.

  He steeled himself, then grabbed his messenger bag from the passenger seat and got out of the car. “Good morning,” he said, trying desperately to sound normal as he walked over to Pam, who didn’t move.

  “Is it? I talked to Caleb yesterday about the picture, and he said he was going to see you. After that I couldn’t get in touch with either one of you. The only reason I didn’t crash your door down is because Caleb’s car was parked in front of your apartment when I came over.” She handed over the coffee. “Care to explain?”

  He took the coffee, the to-go cup warm in his hand. “I don’t even know where to start.” They turned toward the school, which was still quiet, as students weren’t expected to arrive and start the day for another thirty minutes.

  “Let’s begin with this: Are you okay?”

  “Yes. No. I don’t know. It wasn’t supposed to go this far.”

  “Please tell me you guys talked.” They walked up the front steps and through the main doors of the school as they chatted.

  “We did… a little. There’s a lot more we need to sort out.” He sounded like a child trying not to admit to doing something wrong. “It was a perfect day, though.” He smiled what he thought might have been his biggest smile in months. “Initially he came over to talk about the picture and to make sure I was okay with it being out there. We talked about a lot of things, including what might be possible for us. And he stayed over, which was really good.”

  She nodded, and Aaron was thankful she had the good sense not to press for details.

  “So, you two are going to be a thing?” she asked, her tone hopeful.

  Once in Aaron’s classroom, they ended up in their usual coffee talk positions. “He says we should try to figure things out as we go. I think we’re going to end up hurting each other because I want what I can’t have.”

  “You can have anything you want.”

  “You know what I mean.”

  “Actually, I don’t. I think it’s all false obstacles.” Pam didn’t often take her serious tone with him. Even though she was just trying to help, it only stressed him out more.

  “You don’t know that!” he insisted emphatically, louder than he intended. “He’s a pro athlete, traveling for weeks on end. Beyond that, we don’t live in the same city, so it’s not like he’d be coming home to me. And that picture is proof of it. People kiss in that park all the time and don’t end up trending on Twitter. That would become my reality. And there are—”

  He stopped before he said more. It had been difficult enough discussing Tyson with Caleb; he wasn’t going to open up about that right before he had to teach.

  “Don’t be stubborn,” she said when Aaron didn’t finish. “If you both want it, and it sounds like you do, figure out what it takes.” Her phone chirped and she sighed. “I’ve got to get to a disciplinary meeting. See you at lunch?”

  He shook his head. “Can’t. I’ve got
to prep for some parent meetings. After that, Caleb’s picking me up for hockey practice.”

  She gave him a slight nod that he knew was a sign of her approval. “If you need to talk later, you know how to find me.”

  “Thanks.”

  Pam left and Aaron unpacked his bag. At least the class plans for today were ready. He flipped his tablet to the document that detailed what he needed to write on the board.

  “Mr. Price?” It was Catherine, sounding way too excited, as she stood at the classroom door. “Is it true about you and Mr. Carter? I saw the picture of you two kissing.” She giggled as she said the last word.

  More students came in as she approached his desk at the front of the classroom.

  “You didn’t tell us he was your boyfriend,” Charlie chimed in before Aaron could respond.

  “My dad said that was wrong,” Ben offered.

  The rest of his class filed in and gathered around Aaron’s desk. He faced them as the questions kept coming.

  “Are you going to get married?”

  “Oh, are you going to have kids too?”

  “They can’t have kids.”

  “My uncles adopted a baby girl. Why can’t they have a baby?”

  This was not a discussion he wanted to have, but the students talked over one another. He had to take control of the situation. “Class!” Aaron shouted over the din. “Put your things away and take your seats.”

  “But the bell hasn’t rung yet,” Charlie said.

  Thankfully it sounded just as Charlie had finished his sentence. “Please take your seats so we can get started.”

  The class grumbled as they hung up their coats and got settled at their desks.

  Aaron quickly went through roll call just in time for the morning announcements. Then it was time for their version of Monday show-and-tell.

  “Okay.” Aaron sat on the edge of his desk. “Who wants to tell us what they did this weekend?” Several hands shot up. “Maggie.” He pointed to the girl in the third row of desks.

  “I saw your picture on TV while my brother was watching hockey. Are you going to go live in New York?”

  Aaron stifled a sigh. He’d assumed most of his students—they were third graders, after all—wouldn’t have caught the picture. He hadn’t thought about it being on TV, though. It was a bigger mess than he’d realized. Did Caleb know it was on TV? Maybe they shouldn’t have unplugged yesterday. While Caleb had Grant to run interference for him, Aaron had no one.

  “These are not questions for you to ask.” Aaron used his authoritative teacher’s voice. “Remember how we’ve talked about things that are personal, and it’s important to be polite and not ask questions about those things?”

  Many of the students nodded.

  “This is one of those things. It was wrong of the person who took the picture to invade our privacy—do you know what privacy is?”

  Charlie’s hand went up, and Aaron nodded. “My sister says I invade hers when I’m in her room if she hasn’t invited me.”

  “That’s a perfect example, Charlie.”

  “But you were in the park where everyone could see.”

  “Yes, we were. It still doesn’t mean it’s okay that someone snapped and posted the picture without our permission. It’s not against the law, but it’s still not polite.”

  Maggie raised her hand again.

  “Yes.”

  “But you haven’t said if you were going to move.”

  “I’m not going to move. You can’t get rid of me that easily.” He laughed a little, and the class snickered along with him. “You know Mr. Carter and I have been friends for a long time. He has to go back to New York and his team this week. He has to do his job, and I have to do mine here with you.” Aaron hoped that would put an end to the matter, at least for the time being. “Now, let’s talk about your weekend. Maggie, do you actually have something?”

  She came up to the front of the room and talked about going with her mother to a plant store—which Aaron told the class was called a nursery—and then she helped do some early planting. She thought it would’ve been gross to dig in the dirt, but she kind of enjoyed it.

  Four others talked about their weekend, and Aaron felt pretty good that any questions about him and Caleb were safely on the back burner.

  Though if his kids had all these questions, he could only imagine what the rest of the world was thinking.

  Chapter Nineteen

  AARON was glad he had a couple of parent meetings that afternoon since it meant almost everyone was gone before Caleb would stop by the school to drive them to the rink. Why wasn’t he just driving his own car? It had seemed cute at the time to be chauffeured, but did he really want to show up at practice with Caleb, all eyes on the two of them?

  Caleb smiled when Aaron got in the car, and Aaron couldn’t hold back a smile. Caleb had a knack for melting any resistance he had.

  “How was your day?”

  Aaron leaned back against the seat and sighed. “Exhausting.” He closed his eyes and was startled when Caleb took his hand.

  “I’m sorry. I imagine I was a large part of that.”

  “We were a large part of that. We were both in that photo, kissing where anyone could see. It’s the first thing the kids hit me with this morning. Actually, it started with Pam in the parking lot.”

  “Yeah, I called her this morning. I think I got a good taste of what she’s like as a principal. Told me I had a lot of nerve not answering my phone.”

  “Exactly. It’s been nuts with questions that just keep coming from everyone. How do you deal with it?”

  Caleb shrugged guilty before he chuckled. “I leave Grant to sort it out. He says most of the response is positive, including the reaction to my statement that we’d like to be left alone so we can figure out what our future might be.”

  He said might. Was he having second thoughts? Or just saying that to keep the public at bay? Or maybe he didn’t want to pressure Aaron.

  “I’m not sorry we did it,” Caleb continued. “Or for the incredible day we spent together.”

  “Me either.” It was true; Aaron wasn’t in the least bit sorry. “But what happens now?”

  Caleb pulled out of the parking lot. “I got confirmation this morning that I’m headed back to New York. I’m expected at the doctor’s on Wednesday morning, so I’ll drive down tomorrow evening.”

  Aaron’s heart ached, but he managed a nod and to sound composed. “I know the team will be happy to have you back, especially with playoffs starting Friday.”

  “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t looking forward to being back with them.”

  “And your life, I’d imagine.”

  Caleb was silent as he drove. Aaron wasn’t sure what it meant that he wasn’t even stealing occasional glances at him.

  At a red light, Caleb faced Aaron. “I like life here too—with you. These glimpses of us being a couple.” Caleb’s pained expression wasn’t lost on Aaron.

  “How do we make that work? After a handful of get-togethers that we haven’t really called dates, can we make a commitment to a relationship?”

  “We’re both going to be off soon. You’ll have summer break and my season will be over—we’ll have time.” The cars behind them honked since Caleb missed the green light. As he returned his focus to the road, he continued to talk. “It’ll be a time to settle into a routine and go on all the dates we want.”

  “A routine that’ll be broken as soon as soon as fall starts.” Aaron wasn’t trying to be cynical, just realistic as he looked at Caleb while trying not to look or sound defeated.

  Caleb opened his mouth and then closed it.

  “What?”

  “Nothing.” Caleb tried to shrug it off.

  “The last thing we should do at this point is hide things from each other.”

  “I was going to suggest that you could take a year off because I could easily support the both of us.”

  “That’s not going to happen.” He sounded
more defensive than he meant to. “I realize we’ll never be equal, in a lot of ways. But not only do I want to contribute to any relationship I’m in, I also love my job.”

  “I know. That’s why I didn’t want to say it.”

  The problem was that he thought it. Aaron didn’t want to be a kept man, or a house husband, or whatever.

  They were quiet as they continued to the rink. When they arrived, Caleb parked. Aaron put his hand on Caleb’s shoulder and felt the tension quickly release.

  “Sorry.” Caleb’s voice was low even though they were still in the car. “I know we need a serious talk. Pam gave me my marching orders on that.”

  Aaron nodded. “I got that too.”

  “We’ve got to do this thing. We’ll talk after, okay? Either your place or mine so we’re in private.”

  Aaron agreed. “Are you going to say anything to the kids about going to New York?”

  “Of course. It’s in the news.”

  “And you don’t want to just… disappear.”

  “No. I couldn’t do that to the kids.”

  Caleb squeezed Aaron’s knee before they got out of the SUV and grabbed skates and Caleb’s other gear from the back. It tugged on Aaron’s heart to see his skates jumbled up with Caleb’s. He wanted that for his life more than he cared to admit—even to himself.

  The ninety minutes of practice dragged on. Caleb was an ace at talking with the kids about his upcoming return to New York, and he promised to come back in the summer to work with the team for a couple of weeks. Caleb even firmly, but gently, addressed the picture when one of the players asked about it.

  “That’s not a topic for here, and neither Coach Aaron or myself will discuss it. So please respect that.”

  There were a couple murmurs of disappointment, but no one pressed. Aaron braced for Ian’s questions, but he said nothing. He committed Caleb’s words to memory so he could use them if necessary.