by Will Knauss
“Hey. You look really good there.” Caleb, returning from the kitchen with two bottles of water, came over and stood next to him. “Grant texted that he’s got us a brunch reservation at eleven thirty at a place in Chelsea he says we’ll love. We can head there as soon as I’m back from the radio thing. You ready for the grand tour?”
Aaron liked Grant. He seemed genuinely nice and took good care of Caleb, making sure he met all of his commitments.
And Caleb had a lot of professional obligations. What Phil had said earlier continued to gnaw at him. The truth was, Aaron was a distraction. There were so many things that Caleb should be doing to stay on track for the playoffs and for his contract negotiations. If he was to have a boyfriend, it should be someone who understood how to navigate it all, not an outsider with no experience in the spotlight. And not someone who’d had a mess of a relationship with a baseball player. How was he supposed to make it work with Caleb, whose celebrity was orders of magnitude greater than Tyson’s?
Aaron sighed, feeling overwhelmed by the night. “I was thinking I should head back. You can rest up tomorrow and be ready to dominate on Sunday afternoon, and I can get back and prepare for class next week.”
“What?” Caleb sounded disappointed, as Aaron expected.
“We’re fooling ourselves to think I could possibly belong here, doing this.” He tried to look at Caleb but quickly turned back toward the river view. “I’m glad we spent more time together, but you’ve got enough to do without making sure I’m happy. You’ve done it subtly ever since I got here, when you were looking at me in the stands and while we’ve been together after the game. You steal these looks at me to make sure I’m okay. You need to be focused on the game, on the Stanley Cup, on your career. Not if everything’s all right with your boyfriend who’s out of his depth.”
Caleb turned Aaron to him. “Sure, I’m checking on you, but it’s because I care about you and you’re visiting a place you’ve hardly been to before. Where’s this coming from?”
“Caleb. Think about it. You’ve worked so hard to get where you are. You love what you do—anyone could see that when you played tonight. And the truth is that I love what I do. I love teaching, and I still feel like I’m getting my life back together. You don’t need to deal with my baggage.”
“Aaron—”
“Please let me get this out. It’s hard enough already.” Aaron looked Caleb in the eye and prayed he had enough courage to finish. “I don’t want you to wonder why you stuck it out with me when you could’ve had anyone. I refuse to be the one to hold you back or the one you regret later. I can’t stand the thought of messing up the life of someone I care so much about simply because I’m—”
“I love you, Aaron Price!” Caleb blurted out as he grabbed hold of Aaron and brought him in for a kiss, which nearly unhinged him because it was the most passionate kiss he’d ever received. It also pissed him off because that kiss did nothing to help get his point across. Aaron’s body didn’t listen to his brain. It took over, kissing Caleb back. They continued until Aaron released a long, low moan of pleasure.
Aaron moved away from Caleb, out of reach. “It’s not fair that you can kiss like that. How am I supposed to—?” Aaron had no idea what to say next.
“Supposed to what? Tell me why you think we can’t work? I don’t want to hear it.”
“I don’t know how to do this,” Aaron said as he tried to figure out what to do with himself. If he sat, Caleb could easily trap him and plant another kiss on him. But he couldn’t stay where he was because it was too close. He decided to stand on the other side of the couch to put distance between them.
“Why’s it so important to figure that out now?” Caleb pushed on, moving around the furniture, toward Aaron. “Let’s decide to be a couple and go from there. Isn’t what’s most important that we are in love?”
There was love again. Aaron’s heart and soul wanted to say it back, but practicality won out. “You know as well as I do that it takes work to make a relationship successful. It’s more than a few words. It’s constant attention.”
“Athletes—hockey players—make this work all the time. Not everyone’s like that asshole you were with in LA.” Frustration crept into Caleb’s voice as he once again reached for Aaron’s hand. Aaron moved his hand away but didn’t step back. “The goalie in Las Vegas married the woman he’d dated since he was fifteen. They’ve got kids and she owns a business. They make it work. Nashville’s captain married a country music star. I’ve talked to him a time or two about the challenges of their schedule, but they’ve been married nearly a decade. Many of my teammates are in relationships. They’re not all like Dimitri. Come to Sunday’s game and you can meet them and see for yourself.”
Caleb could teach a course in persuasion. He said the right things in the right way, which picked at Aaron’s facade of resistance.
“Please, Aaron. I can’t make things right if you don’t tell me what you’re thinking.” Caleb didn’t try to touch Aaron.
“Where do I start? I was raised that relationships should be on equal ground, and there’s so much between us that wouldn’t be. The money. The fame. The expectations. That thing with the picture was just a sample, I’m sure. It’s all my kids wanted to talk about last week. It’s not a fair distraction for them to see their teacher like that.”
“But that was a surprise to us both. If we’re a couple, and everyone knows that, seeing pictures won’t be a distraction.” Caleb smiled, as if he enjoyed the thoughts he had. “If you’re introduced as my boyfriend, it’ll become no big deal.”
“Can you imagine me out with you at an event or something?” He looked at Caleb, who continued with the easy smile while Aaron thought of terrifying scenarios. “I wouldn’t know what to talk about.”
“You’d do fine. Trust me, it’s really no different than the carnival. Conversations just get randomly started. And you’re a smart man. You teach. That’s an important career in itself. Plus, you’d be with me. And you’d be around the team. Dimitri already likes you, and I know the others will too. The wives, girlfriends, and boyfriends band together to take care of one another.”
Aaron raised an eyebrow as their standoff continued. They were close enough to do any number of things to each other—things Aaron wanted but couldn’t allow himself to have.
“Yes, there are other boyfriends,” Caleb said. “One of our defensemen has a long-term boyfriend, and D sometimes brings guys too.”
Aaron had no words. He hadn’t expected Caleb to put up such a strong argument. Yet he felt like he was back in high school and looking at the athletes from the outside, as one of the brainy guys no one really wanted to be around. It was a stupid feeling that he couldn’t shake, because Tyson had played on that late in their relationship as a way to control him.
Caleb didn’t let up. “Do you realize how much you mean to me? How much you’ve shown me over the past couple of weeks about what I want in my life? I didn’t realize what I was missing. We’ve always had this connection—even back in high school it was easy to be around you, though you were, like, a million times smarter than I was. You never made me feel less than you.”
“You really only had issues in math, you know,” Aaron said quietly.
“Still. You could’ve given me shit or been a condescending dick during our tutoring sessions. I know how the smart students felt about us jocks.”
Aaron wanted so badly to kiss Caleb, but that wouldn’t help finish this. He was being so earnest.
“We could end up hurting each other little by little, until there’s nothing left. Maybe we need one of those pacts.” Aaron already dreaded the words. “You know, if we’re not married by the time you retire, then we get together. Until then it’s not really practical.”
Caleb’s head dropped in disappointment. Aaron wasn’t happy he’d zapped him like that, but there wasn’t a choice.
“I fucking hate practical.” Caleb looked back to Aaron, who saw the hurt in his eyes. “We co
uld be great right now and forever. Tell me, what do I need to do to prove that to you?”
Aaron shook his head as he fought to control his emotions. The sadness in Caleb’s eyes and his pained voice punched him in the gut repeatedly. “I’ll have to trust that time will bring us back together if it’s supposed to be.”
“What if that’s not what I want?”
Aaron shook. He was losing his internal battle. “It’s not what I want either, but I think it has to be, for both of our sakes.” He brought Caleb’s hand to his mouth and planted a kiss on the knuckles. “I think I should go before we do something we’ll regret.”
“Aaron, no….” Caleb’s voice cracked and it stabbed at Aaron.
“Please, Caleb.”
Caleb released Aaron’s hand. “I’m going to keep looking for something that will persuade you that this—us—can work.”
Aaron headed for the door and picked up his bag, which he’d never unpacked.
“I meant what I said—I love you, Aaron.”
Aaron slipped out the door with those words echoing in his head. He knew he’d made the right choice, but that didn’t change the ache in his heart.
Chapter Twenty-Four
“NEW York goal to number twenty-eight, Caleb Carter. Assisted by number fifty-seven, Dimitri Stanislov, at fifteen thirty-three in the third period.”
The Boston crowd booed the announcement. So far, game three in the Rangers-Bruins series was on New York’s side with the clock running out.
Caleb was back on the bench, alongside Dimitri, as the announcement was made. It was the third time they’d had been called out during the game, much to the annoyance of the home crowd. It was Caleb’s first goal of the night. He’d picked up assists on two of Dimitri’s in the second.
“We’re on fire tonight.” Dimitri clapped Caleb on the back. “Wish we were playing this one for the home crowd.”
“Yeah. It feels great.” Caleb smiled and picked up his water bottle from the ledge in front of him. Squirting water into his mouth, he wished he could feel more excited. His game was on autopilot, and thankfully his instincts had him playing at the high level the team needed.
The skating—for practice and the games—was all that had kept him together since Aaron had left him four days before. Somehow he’d made it through Sunday’s game without getting into what had happened. Even Grant and Dimitri hadn’t pressed him, allowing him to simply say Aaron had gone home.
While being on the ice felt good, Foster Grove was where he ached to be, to get another chance with Aaron. He’d hoped his proclamation that he loved Aaron would give them time to sort out what a relationship could be. Aaron had devastated him by walking out despite the fact that Caleb was sure Aaron felt the same way he did. He wished he could go to LA and find the guy who had hurt him so much.
Dimitri pushed against his shoulder and snapped him back to reality. “You gonna scoot?”
“Sorry.” Caleb slid down the bench, since they were getting closer to another shift.
“Where’d you go?”
Caleb didn’t want to get into what he was really thinking about, so he defaulted back to something to do with the game. Talking strategy was a good choice. “Just thinking about that last goal. Dissecting it so maybe we can do it again. We totally confused their defense with our zigzag pattern.”
Dimitri looked at him for a moment as if that wasn’t what he expected to hear.
“What if we mix it up a bit?” Caleb suggested.
Thankfully Dimitri went along with it and grabbed one of the whiteboards from behind them. He drew a variation on what they’d done their last time out. “What do you think?”
Caleb studied the board for a moment. “Let’s do it.” He was excited for the on-the-fly strategy making.
“Looks good, guys,” Coach chimed in, standing over them.
The trio went back out with less than a minute on the clock. Dimitri’s last-second shot had to be reviewed because the horn sounded. Ultimately the goal was denied because the puck didn’t fully cross the goal line before the clock ran out. But they had a new play to work on because the pattern they’d discussed worked, and if they refined it, they could try it again for game four. New York won four to three, and if they beat Boston in the next meeting, they’d sweep the series.
Dimitri and Caleb both got “Three Stars of the Night” honors, alongside the Boston goalie, who kept it from being more of a blowout. Caleb was proud to earn that title anytime he could, and even more so on someone else’s ice. It was bittersweet tonight, though. He wondered if Aaron watched the game. Despite having played well, Caleb knew it would’ve just added to Aaron’s argument that they didn’t belong together.
“I was that close to a hat trick,” Dimitri grumbled, holding up his thumb and forefinger with little space between them.
“Sorry, man. We still rocked that game,” Caleb said as they headed to the visitors’ locker room.
“Yes, we did!” That was all it took for Dimitri to snap out of his no-hat-trick funk.
Once everyone gathered inside, Coach addressed the team from the middle of the room. “Well done tonight, guys. Now we just have to keep our focus. Thursday’s game will send a message about how serious we are this postseason. Get some rest tonight. We’ll skate tomorrow at two.”
As Coach left, the team got back to celebrating their third win in a row. Caleb was quiet. Soon enough they’d be back at the hotel and he could try to get to sleep—luckily, he’d been exhausted enough from the games and practices that his mind had no choice but to shut down for rest.
A phone chirp stopped him while he stood in front of his locker. He took it off the shelf, hoping beyond hope he’d see Aaron’s name on the screen. They hadn’t spoken since he’d walked out.
Instead, Caleb found a text from Pam. Way to go, little bro. Second star of the game on another team’s ice. You looked great out there.
He smiled. Pam was always a fan; so were his parents, but they were still on their trip. They’d been keeping up and sending him emails, which always ended with them telling him to be careful.
He typed back. Thanks! It was fun. And you should get to bed, you’ve got school tomorrow. He added a winky face.
As he sent it, he stared at the word fun. It was fun, and it was wrong that it was fun. Or was it? He loved hockey. He also loved Aaron. Aaron liked hockey. Did Aaron love Caleb? He hadn’t said it even though Caleb said it twice. There was some weird word problem in all this. “If Caleb loves Aaron and hockey, and Aaron….”
“Everything okay?” Dimitri interrupted his math problem.
“Uh. Yeah.” Caleb put the phone back on the locker shelf. “Pam sent congratulations.”
“You and I both know that’s not what you’re thinking about.”
Dimitri wasn’t going to keep to himself much longer. Caleb met his gaze for just a moment longer but didn’t say anything. He simply sighed.
“I gotta go do the press,” Caleb said and turned for the door as Dimitri nodded in acknowledgment.
By the time he got to the shower, most of the team was done and dressing. As time clicked by, it seemed like the game had occurred in the distant past. His mind returned to the Aaron situation. Pam hadn’t said anything about Aaron, and yet she had to know at least the basics of what happened. Was her silence good or bad? He wanted to ask her how Aaron was doing, but that seemed an intrusion. While she was his sister, she was also Aaron’s best friend, and Caleb didn’t want to put her in a position to violate any secrets.
Once he was back in the suit he’d arrived in, he went into the room where he could wait comfortably since the bus hadn’t arrived yet. He dropped into a chair, away from the others in the room, and closed his eyes. He felt like he was stuck watching a movie on repeat as scenes of Aaron and him played in his mind—a mix of good times and the horrible finality of Friday night. Caleb had wanted the New York weekend to solidify the start of something, not the end.
A few minutes later, he was fo
rced to open his eyes because someone kicked his feet. It was no surprise that it was Dimitri.
“Did you eat?”
Caleb shook his head. “Not yet.”
Dimitri grunted. “I thought so. I grabbed your usual turkey and some of that nasty blue Powerade you like.” He handed it over, his expression one of concern.
“Thanks.”
“The bus is here.” Dimitri was being unusually quiet, given their game win. Caleb knew he would forgo celebrating to look after him. “We’ve got a few minutes if you want to eat here, or we can board.”
“Let’s get on the bus.” Caleb stood and gave Dimitri’s shoulder a quick squeeze.
Dimitri nodded, and they headed for the exit, a couple of their teammates in front of them.
Outside, there were a few people waiting. It was a shared entrance, but given it was Boston’s arena, most of the crowd wore the home team’s apparel.
“Mr. Carter?”
They both stopped, and Caleb turned to where a teenager stood off by himself, wearing a Boston sweatshirt. Caleb wasn’t often stopped by people in the opposing team’s gear, so the callout confused him. The guy didn’t look like he was old enough to be out of high school.
“Yes? Hi.” Caleb sounded as chipper as he could. Even though he felt like crap, he wasn’t going to be rude to anyone. He walked to where the young man waited behind the barriers that kept the walkway out of the arena clear.
“Um. Hi. Um.” The boy’s eyes darted around as if he was nervous. “I was wondering if you’d sign this. I know you’re not commenting on it… but… well. It was….”
Caleb looked at the picture of the kiss he’d shared with Aaron. It was a little fuzzy and didn’t take up the entire paper it was on. Dimitri put his hand on Caleb’s shoulder, and that almost unleashed his emotions. It was more comfort than he deserved because he’d blown it with Aaron.