by Erin Hayes
“I didn’t push myself then. I didn’t—”
“Jennet,” Kerem finally speaks, an edge to his voice. “Stop.”
To everyone’s surprise, she does, keeping her hand clamped over her mouth, her eyes wide.
“You saved us,” Nakir says softly. “I know you keep blaming yourself for it—believe me, I’ve been there myself.” I wonder if he’s speaking about his time with the old group of Halos. He’s been on this earth for a long time. I’m sure he has a ton of regrets that have put him in Jennet’s position.
“But if you and Sena hadn’t put yourself out there in harm’s way,” Nakir says, giving Jennet’s fingers a squeeze—fingers that I’ve tried willing back to life so many times over the past few days, “none of us would be here right now. We’d all be dead, and our only hope for lifting the curse would be gone.”
“But—”
“We knew this was a distinct possibility,” Emre says, speaking up for the first time in a while. His throat is raspy as well. Jennet looks at him. “We all went into this knowing that there was a big chance that we weren’t going to make it out.”
Jennet passes a hand through her hair. “Yes,” she says. “But—”
“We can’t give up now,” Kerem says. “We’ve gone too far. And if we stop, then we’re sullying Sena’s memory.”
Finally, that seems to break through to Jennet. I can see the change in her face as she reflects on those words. Her eyes cut over toward me, giving me a questioning glance that I am not sure I understand.
She clears her throat and looks back at Nakir. “Can I see her?”
The angel nods. “We buried her outside.”
Jennet blanches at that, and I wonder what funeral plans Sena did have in her life. Did she have family back home that was waiting for her to wake up, to give them a better future?
Jennet gets to her feet, her knees visibly wobbly as she stands. Fatma reaches out to help her. “No,” Jennet says, waving her off. “I’ve got this. I’m all right.”
I know from her voice that she isn’t all right. But she doesn’t even glance in my direction again as she leaves the Door Stop. No one else leaves to go to her.
“I wanted to be alone, Rahym.”
Jennet doesn’t even turn around as she stands in front of the fresh mound of dirt that signifies where we put Sena to rest. There are no markers for the grave, as demonlings would use it to dig her up for lunch, but I wonder what Jennet thinks of it. If we didn’t do right by Sena’s memory.
“I know,” I tell her. “But from experience, I know you shouldn’t be alone too long.”
Jennet sighs, crossing her arms over her chest. “We’ve all been alone too long. Sena was my teacher. When I first joined the witches. Fatma and Kerem were her students, too, but Sena was more like a mother to me. She took care of me when no one else wanted anything to do with an orphaned witch, and…I failed her.”
Even from behind, she looks tired, worn out like a pair of trousers that should have been thrown out years ago. And there’s a sadness to her that I’m afraid I won’t be able to reach.
I put a hand on her shoulder and give what I hope is a comforting squeeze. Her body is stiff beneath my touch, unyielding.
“Hey,” I whisper. “It’s not your fault. You can’t blame—”
Jennet whirls on me, her blue eyes flashing in anger. “It is my fault!” she cries. Her voice is wavering, uneven. “If I could have held on for just a little longer, I could have…I could have…”
She’s beautiful.
Her anger is a welcome departure from grief. Anger is the fire in the Door to Hell. Anger keeps you alive when you’ve lost everything dear to you.
Look at you being sentimental.
Sentimental. Right. And I’m not being sentimental enough.
Before I can think too much about it—because, let’s face it, when you have two minds at odds with each other, you tend to think a lot—I wrap her up in an embrace. At first, she stands stiff against me before she sighs brokenly and leans into me. It’s a sign of trust, not weakness, that she’s doing this.
Hope she knows it too.
I don’t give her platitudes. I don’t tell her that everything is going to be all right or that we’ll succeed where Sena couldn’t. I don’t want to lie to her, because while I’ve been a bad man in my time, I don’t want there to be any lies between us.
Jennet relaxes into me, her shoulders heaving with the silent sobs that wrack her body. I hold her, putting my chin on top of her head, trying to bring her back to us.
To me.
“You were right,” she whispers into my shoulder. “You were right about everything.”
No. Not everything. Not by a long shot.
I’ve been wrong about so many things in my life. So many mistakes.
“You said that this was going to be a suicide mission,” Jennet continues. “You told me that we’d die on this. And…I stupidly thought that there was no way that we’d die. Because we were doing what was right and that we couldn’t die. And…”
“Hey.” I pull her back to look down at her. “You came at a time when I thought there was nothing left worth saving. And you changed that for me, Jennet. You taught me that there was so much more to fight for.”
She shakes her head. “Is there? When everything is so fucked?”
“Yes.”
My lips crash against hers, continuing where we left off the other night. I wasn’t ready then, because I didn’t know how much I had left to lose, but now, I refuse to lose her.
At first, she doesn’t respond to my kiss, and I cup her cheek along her jaw, coaxing her mouth to open with my tongue. When she does part her lips, I explore every inch of her that I can. I cherish every sensation, every moment spent with her where she fills up my senses, and I never want to let that go.
I’ve kissed her in the past, but this feels different to me. Different than anything I’ve ever felt in my life. There’s a fieriness to her that burns brighter than the desert, where burning along with her is the best thing ever for a starving man.
“Rahym,” she breathes into my skin, her need so evident. Hell, I’m sure that she can feel my own need pressed up against her. “Rahym, I—”
I kiss her again before she can say anything that breaks the magic of this moment. All I want is her and to feel alive again and for her to feel alive, too. This time, she does kiss me back, grabbing onto the back of my neck as she holds onto this wild ride that we’re both on.
I don’t ever want it to stop.
“I want you,” I whisper to her. “I need you, Jennet.”
Her eyes flutter open as she stares at me. I’m begging her for permission with my eyes, but I realize that she’s begging me, too. Begging me to let her into my own life, to move on from the past and face a better future, together.
“I’ve been waiting for you to say that for so long,” she tells me. “So long.”
I lose all willpower to stop. I crush her against me, losing myself in her. How could someone as strong as her be so small in my arms? When my whole world is filled up with just her.
I backpedal, taking her with me to the other side of the Door Stop. Away from the view of Sena’s grave and far away from the other Halos so they don’t find us. In the eastern side of the cave system, there’s a shady little alcove that’s sheltered from the elements.
Not the most romantic of places, but neither of us cares at the moment. We just care about being together.
She tugs off my tattered shirt, still burned from the firestorm. Kerem fully healed me a few days ago, but her fingertips trace where my skin is scarred and shinier from the burns. Scars that I’ll likely carry for the rest of my life.
Her eyebrows pinch together, and I can see the guilt in her eyes. She’s blaming herself again. So I kiss her to take her mind far away. When my fingers slip past the waistband of her pants to feel her wet slickness, she bucks against me with a gasp, her eyes opening wide.
You’re taking he
r far away from there.
My need becomes too great as I work to take off her shirt. I have to see her. Know that she’s mine. She groans in disappointment as my fingers leave her to frantically pull up her tunic, but when our gazes meet again, she stills, shivering.
Then I take in the sight of her.
Her skin is flawless. She had been completely healed after everything, and there’s nothing marring her expanse of smooth, bronzed skin.
“You’re beautiful,” I whisper. “And I love every beautiful inch of you.”
Her bottom lip trembles. “You love—?”
I kiss her again before she can finish her question. Call me a coward—whether it’s out of embarrassment or because I’m afraid she doesn’t feel the same way, I don’t want to stop this moment right now.
I just want her.
She groans against me as I knead one of her breasts. We make our way to the ground, and she straddles me as my hands roam down her body, worshipping every inch of her. I cup her ass to me as she leans forward, kissing me, her hand rubbing the stubble on my face as the other trails down my chest, under my own trousers, and…
My breath catches as her fingers wrap around my hard length. I can feel her smiling against me at my reaction, and she gives me a firm stroke.
I almost lose myself then.
Cradling her against me, I roll her onto her back with me on top of her. She looks up at me with wonder and amazement in her eyes, just as I’m sure it’s reflected in mine, that we’re here. Together.
She kisses me again, more frantic, more fervent as she tugs off my trousers, and I do the same to her. There’s too much clothing barring us from each other, and it isn’t until she’s completely exposed to me, skin to skin, that I realize that my heart is about to beat out of my chest.
That fluttering feeling I’ve had ever since reconnected with her? I know what it is now. And I haven’t felt anything like it in so damn long.
“I love you, too,” she whispers finally. As if reading my thoughts.
I can’t take it anymore. I hold myself above her, afraid to crush her, but there’s so much trust in her eyes, that I—
She arches backward, a rough cry careening through her body as I enter her slowly, enough to get the feel of her body around me, stretching to let me fit. Her breasts heave, glistening in sweat, and I lick it from her, trying to do anything to hold on as long as I can.
“Okay,” she says hoarsely. She positions herself beneath me, to get the angle just right. “Okay, I’m ready.”
I start to move then, trying to be gentle, although it’s so damn hard with her beautiful body beneath mine. Her fingernails dig into my back, and she holds on for dear life as I thrust myself into her.
This is worth fighting for.
Jennet is worth fighting for.
She comes, rocking her hips against me. She throws her head back with a strangled cry, my name echoing off the granite around us. I bend over to possess her mouth, and as I come myself, it’s her name that I say into her lips, into her mouth, into her soul.
I pull myself back to get a good look at her. Whether it’s from the heat or if it’s from embarrassment, her cheeks are flushed as she gazes up at me, something akin to wonder in her eyes as she traces a finger along my cheek.
I thought I’d never be this happy again.
“Rahym,” she whispers, like my name is the most beautiful thing on her lips.
I pull myself out of her, and I pull her to me as we both lay together, our limbs and sweat and breaths tangled up together.
Neither of us says anything more. Because for now, I just want to rest. To be with Jennet.
My new to-do list should have one thing at the very top:
Love Jennet
The funny thing is, I don’t think I’ll need a reminder. Not for the rest of my life.
Chapter 24
“I’ve never tried it before,” Jennet says as she’s curled up against me. “But I’ve always wanted to see if it worked. Extending the, ah, pleasure with my power.”
She’s being coy and shy, despite the fact that we’ve been laying in the alcove next to the Door Stop all day, making love when words didn’t say enough. So much history between us. So many times when I should have said something and didn’t.
And now…we’re together.
I know that we’re using plenty of energy having sex, but I don’t want it to stop. Common sense dictates that we shouldn’t be expending everything on this, but we aren’t going anywhere today, and I just want to spend as much time as possible reminding ourselves why we’re fighting.
I chuckle and kiss her forehead. “So you’re saying it wasn’t me that gave you the best sex of your life?”
She raises an eyebrow, peering up at me. God, she looks beautiful when she’s playful like this. Like she doesn’t have the weight of the world on her shoulders. “Oh, trust me, that was all you. I just gave you a boost to make better for both of us.”
“So you’re saying I shouldn’t be disappointed in myself?”
She snorts. “No, you definitely shouldn’t be disappointed.” She pauses, mulling over her next question, and I close my eyes, waiting for it. I could guess what it is going to be, and I’m still trying to figure it out myself, but…
“Are you okay?” she asks softly. “With this?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” I murmur softly.
“It’s just…Maysa and your daughter…I don’t want you thinking that I’m trying to replace them.”
I draw circles on her back with my fingers, feeling the smooth expanse of her skin against mine. I could spend the rest of my life exploring her.
“I think I’m on the way to being all right,” I say honestly. “I don’t think of this as moving on, but…living. And I think Maysa would have wanted that.”
“I wish I could have seen you two together. With your daughter.”
“Beste would have liked you,” I say, knowing full well that it’s true. “She always liked being around strong role models.”
Jennet curls up against me, holding me tightly, like she doesn’t want to let go. “I’ve wanted this for years.”
“I could just lay here forever,” I murmur, laying back.
“Me, too.” Despite this, she moves away from me, and I let out a groan. “But we should go back in. It’s almost sundown, and I do believe you’ve nearly worn me out.”
A smile plays across my lips as I watch her get dressed. She’s right—we don’t want to be out here after dark, and I can feel myself slipping as the hours have gone by.
“I’m surprised the others haven’t come out to check up on us,” she says.
“I’m not.” I know Nakir, and I know that he would know better than to come out here looking for us. I’m sure he can guess exactly what happened the second I followed Jennet out here.
Clever bastard.
I get my clothes on, taking some of my time and energy to kiss Jennet, stroke her hair, do everything I can to make this magic last as long as possible.
Jennet slows as we pass by Sena’s grave. Her hands leave mine as she kneels in front of the mound, pressing her fingertips to her lips in good-bye. She stays silently like this for several minutes. I don’t rush her. I don’t try to pressure her either way. I let her do what she needs to do for how long she needs to do it.
The shadows lengthen around us as she sits. Finally, she gets to her feet, her eyes glistening, and she gives me a small smile.
“Okay,” she whispers, taking my hand again. “Let’s get going.”
We make our way back to the entrance to the Door Stop, where Murat is sitting toward the entrance, guarding it. He raises an eyebrow as we pass him.
“Where have you two been?” he asks. There’s no jealousy in his voice, so I just smile serenely at him.
“Just out and about.”
He scoffs, looking between Jennet and me. “Don’t tell me Emre and Rabia were with you guys.”
Jennet blushes and keeps walking farthe
r into the Door Stop to join Fatma and Kerem. Both of the witches wrap her up in a hug, relief evident on their face. Nakir gives me an appraising nod as he passes by.
“Where did Emre and Rabia go?” I ask.
“Out,” Nakir says.
“We ran out of fresh water,” Murat adds. “They went to go see if they could find some nearby.”
Of course. Because our stop here has been far longer than we anticipated. “Do they know know how to find water out here?” I put my hands in my pockets, looking back out the entrance to the Door Stop.
A grin ghosts on Nakir’s features. “Well, that’s the big question, isn’t it? He’s ex-Army from before, so I think if anyone can find water, it would be him. Plus, Rabia is, well, Rabia.” He frowns, and I get what he means. Rabia is part feral in her own right, and I imagine out of all of us, she’d be the best one to sniff out water. “We’re not critical at the moment, but it would be good if we found some.”
“Yeah,” I agree softly, looking around the Door Stop. Everyone else has settled into their routine. “So I guess we continue tomorrow morning?”
Nakir nods. “We have a long way to go still. How was it out there?” He can’t help his sly grin, so I match it.
“Fine. Jennet and I talked.”
“Right. Talked.” He claps me on the back. “Glad you two found some common ground after everything you’ve been through. You deserve it.”
Murat looks up at me with a confused expression. “You two talked for that long?”
“Uh, yeah,” I say, not wanting to get into my sex life with him of all people.
“Oh.” The man frowns. “Here I thought you were having wild sex out there.”
I burst out laughing. Murat gives me another bewildered look as I join Jennet and the others, not wanting to be apart from her too long. There’s something different about the way she looks at me now, as I’m sure is the other way around too. I look at her like she’s the most precious thing in world.
She is.
I think back to what she said earlier, about if I’m all right with moving on. I truly don’t think of it as moving on but more…trying to find my way in world that’s less than perfect. I’m not sullying their memory, but I’m hoping to do right by them in having a purpose to my life now.