“Mm-hmm.”
“No, really. He doesn’t think of me that way. We’re just friends.”
I did grab a cookie, then, taking a bite through the sadness that crept through my medication.
“If you ask me, he cares a great deal more than that. He wouldn’t have sent you to me if that wasn’t the case.”
“What do you mean?”
She laughed at my rushed words that came out muffled. When she didn’t speak and reached down to take out the batch from the oven, I couldn’t almost help but ask again. Did she know something I didn’t? Had he said something to her? Just at the thought I felt my walls crumble. I was trying to be strong. To give Jaime what he wanted and focus on what I needed to, but dammit if I didn’t want him. I did. My heart ached for its Master.
“Jaime has always been a quiet person—very closed off and watchful.” She glanced at me. “He was never happy. Not really. One can pretend, but I knew better. Anyway, one day, he came to me, somehow different. Lighter, if that makes sense. Happier. And he asked me if I can take you under my wing to volunteer.”
She grew quiet for a few seconds as she transferred the cookies to the plate.
“Jaime must have come to me dozens of times, but never once did he place anyone in my care. And it wasn’t for lack of me asking. I offered to take volunteers. No one was the right fit, and he made that more than clear.”
Ms Jo turned, facing me.
“A mother knows her son. If Jaime felt you were the right one to place with me it’s because he cares for you. Probably even loves you.”
“Your son?”
The edge of her mouth pulled back and she grabbed the other baking sheet, placing it in the oven.
“Like I said, he’s different all of a sudden. Just like Sevastian is now that he has Diane. Jaime’s changed, and I’m almost positive it’s because of you. Am I wrong?”
“I don’t know. We… I—”
“Share something?”
All I could do was stare at the older woman’s light brown eyes and full lips. How had I missed it? Suddenly it was all so clear. So obvious that she was Jaime’s kin.
“Something, yes,” I whispered. “I just don’t know exactly what that is yet.”
“Jaime can be very disciplined when he feels something should be done a certain way. He won’t rush. Due time, dear. You’ll see. Just have patience.”
Famous last words. Patient was the last thing I was. But wasn’t that what I was trying to do? It was hard now that I had his number. All I wanted to do was call so I could hear his voice. Dammit, I was such a fool. I missed his smell. The way he’d look so deeply into my eyes as if he saw something inside of me that no one else could. I wanted to believe Ms Jo, but I just couldn’t see Jaime not giving me some sort of hope for our future if it was me he really wanted. If anything, he’d told me enough when he said he would rather focus on himself and his career. It was as clear an answer as any. I wasn’t the one for him. Yes, we had hot, freaky, and sometimes passionate sex, but that didn’t mean a fairytale would evolve from it.
I reached over, putting together another package to go out in the morning. It wasn’t until Ms Jo cleared her throat that I tore myself from my thoughts.
“It’s getting kind of late. Don’t you want to get home and get rested up for wedding tomorrow? I can meet you there.”
“Oh,” my head shook. “I don’t think so. I’m not so sure I should go.”
“Why not? Sevastian and Diane invited you, didn’t they?”
I grinned, finishing up the bow on the top of the handle. “Yes, but it’s for their closest friends. I don’t think I fall into that category yet. I’ll just come help you and then head back and…”
Ms Jo’s hand reached out, settling on top of mine.
“Honey, if they didn’t want you there, they wouldn’t have invited you. You have to go. I’ve been doing this for years by myself. I’ll be fine. Besides, I’ll come when I’m finished. And if I know my son, he’ll want you there.” She paused, a concerned look etching into her features. “I’m not going to pretend that I don’t know what’s going on with all of this. Jaime helps people, and he placed you in my care. If you’re in trouble, or feel you need anything, I hope you know that I’m here for you.”
Didn’t she know it was me who was meant to care for her? She had been sick, and she was Jaime’s mother. He trusted me to look out for her. That meant more to me than I could even put into words.
“Actually, I do need something.” I broke our contact, drawing my hands toward my stomach as it continued to flip. “Last night was my first night alone in a long time. I did okay, but … with the wedding and all the people who are going to be in attendance, I’m just not sure I can do it yet. My past is hard to deal with. If it’s alright with you, I’d really much prefer to be here than preparing all morning to face strangers. I don’t even think I’ll see Sevastian or Diane before the ceremony.”
The tears collected for more reasons than I cared to admit to myself. Last night had been hell. I’d barely gotten any sleep at all. Everything I saw was a weapon begging for my attention. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy, but I had to stay strong. I could beat this addiction of harming myself. I had already conquered so much. There was no way I was going to fail now.
“Alright. I just didn’t want you wasting a trip, but if you want to help an old woman deliver cookies, who am I to tell you no? We can ride to the ceremony together after the delivery and then if you’d like, you can stay the rest of the weekend with me. I could use your help with the grocery shopping. How does that sound?”
I couldn’t stop myself from throwing my arms around her. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Now be safe on your way home. I’ll see you in the morning.”
I grabbed my purse and the keys to my new sedan. Although the urge to see Jaime was more than I could bear, I knew his mother needed me more than she would admit. She appeared strong, but I saw moments of pain and weakness. Ms Jo would have help, even if it meant me missing out on a chance to get Jaime alone. To have his help.
Chapter 34
Jaime
I laughed, I surprisingly teared up. I gave my best man’s speech. The whirlwind of activity and emotions were nonstop as I watched my best friend get married and walk onto the dance floor for the first time with Diane. It was perfect for them. A fairytale come true.
But for me, I’d never felt more incomplete.
Romantic music echoed throughout the dim room, matching perfectly with the twinkling lights above. The way Sevastian stared down at his new wife in awe, swaying to the music while he held her close, clutched my heart like a vice. The happiness I felt for them was indescribable. They loved each other. That was clear as Diane smiled up at Sevastian with such joy in her eyes. No two people were more perfect for each other. No two people except for maybe me and Lydia. That’s what killed me. That could be us in time. What I was watching was nothing but a future glimpse of me and my slave. But she wasn’t here to see this. Or to see me. Where the hell was she?
The tune continued throughout the nearly silent room and I knew my place—my cue. I walked forward, giving Sevastian a hug and cutting in. Diane’s lips pressed into my cheek and she threw me a dazzling smile as her arms rose up to my neck. The dance was slow and we moved right into the rhythm.
“You look beautiful. I couldn’t be happier for you and Sevastian.”
“Thank you. I wasn’t sure this day would ever come. The last few months have been something else. For all of us, I think.”
I laughed, nodding. “That may be the understatement of the year. But your day did come, and it couldn’t have turned out any more perfect.”
“Well,” her head tilted as she looked over to the side of the dance floor. “I had my doubts, but it seems you’re right.”
I glanced over, my smile falling as I blinked through my surprise. Lydia. But it wasn’t the Lydia I knew. Or at least, had known since her time at the mansion. It wa
s the old Lydia. The one with light blonde hair and dazzling blue eyes.
“Now, it’s perfect,” Diane said, drawing my attention back to her. “I was wondering if she’d show. Sevastian said she might not.”
“Why wouldn’t she?”
The question came out before I could stop myself from asking. I had been wondering on her reasons and I was desperate to know.
“Lydia had a delivery this morning. Ms Jo said she was going to try to get Lydia to come, but she wasn’t sure she could. She left your mom’s pretty upset yesterday. She knows the truth, you know. I’m taking it your mother told her.”
I glanced back toward the spot where Lydia had stood. Sevastian was pulling her onto the dance floor. She appeared happy, but I could see a difference in her eyes. Was it betrayal, sadness, worse? I wouldn’t know without access to her.
“I’ll take care of it. You just focus on your big day. Are you excited about Rome?” Diane’s lids narrowed and I twisted my mouth. There was no trying to get anything past her. “You’re not allowed to focus on anything but your wedding day. I’ve got this, Diane. Lydia will be okay.”
“I’m not worried for her, Jaime. She’s entitled to a bad day. Especially after discovering something as big as her helping your mother without being told who she was. It’s you I worry about.”
“Me?”
Diane studied me while she seemed to debate what to say.
“I haven’t known you for too long, but long enough to see when something is weighing you down. You love her. Sevastian and I know that. I just hope these next few months that you’ll learn to cope better than you are. I don’t like seeing you so upset all the time.”
I forced a grin, leaning forward to kiss her forehead. “It’ll all work out. I’m actually starting to adjust quite well. I know what has to be done. Lydia deserves her chance. I’ll be ready to pick things up with her when it’s time.” If it’s time.
“You’re a great guy, Jaime. She’ll be lucky to have you.”
“Thank you. I feel the same about her.”
The song came to an end and I took a deep breath, glancing back over at Sevastian. He was leading Lydia over, talking quietly with his head leaned in her direction. Her blue dress swayed with the motion of her hips and I had to compose myself so I wouldn’t appear to be gawking. At his nod, she glanced at me, but turned her attention to the bride as they arrived.
“Diane, you look absolutely breathtaking. I wish I could have made it to the ceremony. I bet it was beautiful.”
“Thank you, it was more than I could have dreamed of. I wish you could have made it too, but I understand. How’s Ms Jo?”
Diane gave Lydia a hug while Sevastian moved in closer to his wife.
“She’s doing well. We were trying to hurry with the delivery and were going to ride together, but by the time we were finished she was pretty tired. I told her to get some rest and that I would give you her congratulations. I’m actually headed back after I leave.”
“That’s very sweet of you to spend so much time with her,” Sevastian said, stepping in.
Lydia grinned, nodding as another song picked up. I quickly took the lead in closing the conversation.
“I agree. I’m sure my mother appreciates it very much. How about a dance?”
I held out my hand. Hesitation was followed by her looking over to Sevastian for approval. At the nod, she slid her fingers over my palm while I drew her a few feet away. Dammit, she was stunning in that form fitting dress. Just sliding my hand over her hip was enough to blur what I knew as right and wrong. Accompanied with the sway she began to do in time to the music, it took all I had to focus.
“Are you going to stare at my chest the entire time or tell me what’s really on your mind? You’ve looked uneasy from the moment I saw you. Are you okay?”
My hand gripped tighter around her hip and Lydia’s eyes rose. They were the exact color of her dress and filled with such emotion that I couldn’t read exactly which one it was.
“You lied to me.”
“If you count omission as a lie, then yes, I did. But it was for everyone’s good. I didn’t want to put either of you on the spot. I just knew you would be great for each other. It seems I was right.”
Lydia’s jaw tightened as she looked over to the couples off to the side. When she came back to me there was even more there than before.
“She thinks you’re in love with me. She said you wouldn’t have sent me to her if you weren’t. Is she right? Is this all some … test, again? I thought, surely not, but the more I contemplate, the more the question is eating at me. I have to know.”
My lips parted and my heart dropped to the floor, only to be ripped up and energized a million fold. Could my pulse go any faster? Should I answer? If I did, I’d ruin everything. There was no coming back from those words. But if I didn’t …
“Jaime? Jesus, you look like you’re going to be sick. I’m sorry, forget I even asked. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
“Wait.”
Sweat was quickly beginning to drench me. The lie was right there and the longer it stayed on my tongue, the worse I felt. I couldn’t deny my feelings, but I should.
My gaze went to Sevastian. He was lost in his own world as mine was crumbling down. And now here I was, about to damage me and Lydia even more by saying what I didn’t want to.
“Lydia, my mother, I can see why she would think that. But, I’m sorry.”
“Of course. It’s as I thought. I’m the one who’s sorry. I shouldn’t have even mentioned it. Please.” She eased free, throwing me a fake grin as she stepped back. “Enjoy the rest of the reception. I really should be getting back.”
“No. Not yet. I’m not finished.”
Lydia didn’t make it another step before I had my arm around her lower back. I led her off the dance floor and didn’t stop until we were sweeping through the French doors that opened onto a large balcony. When I spun her to face me, her eyes were wide and the flush on her cheeks damn near made me kiss her.
“Listen closely because this may be the last thing I say to you for a very long time. I’m about to fuck this up royally, but I’m not Sevastian. Never have been.”
“What we have Lydia is past the point of words. Love, friendship, passion, lust—I feel those for you more than I have for anyone. And all it’s getting me is grief. We’re going around in circles and I just can’t do that anymore. You want honesty. Here it is. Do I love you? Baby, love doesn’t even come close to touching what I feel for you. Now, would I protect you? Yes, even if it was from myself, or from you. Would I die for you? That’s not even a question. Even though I only knew you from afar, I thought I loved you when I jumped off that cliff. And now because I know there’s nothing more important than seeing you happy, I’m going to have to let you go.”
“Let me go?” Her fingers dug into my suit jacket as she shook her head. Hope mixed with horror as she stared up at me.
“We can’t be together, Lydia. Love you or not, this is your time to heal. To find out who you really are. If you feel anything for me, anything at all … let me go. Don’t contact me. You can’t. Because if you do, I will come. I’m begging you, delete my number and don’t turn back. I know you have your addiction and you want me to help ease the cravings, but you’re strong enough. I know you are. You have to follow your therapist’s suggestions and take care of yourself. You can do this.”
“But you love me. Why can’t I heal while we’re together? I don’t understand. I love you, too.”
My jaw tightened and I glanced up, seeing Sevastian standing in the doorway. My eyes held his and my heart broke even more as Lydia continued.
“Do you hear me? I love you, too,” she said, louder, jerking her hands on my jacket to bring my attention back to her. “Why do you keep running away from that? From me? We can do this. I can get better and still be with you. Give me a chance. Let me show you.”
Still I held Sevastian’s gaze. There was no threat, no judgement. He
was giving me the chance to make the right decision, just like he knew I would. Like I ultimately always did.
“Have a good life, Lydia. You deserve that. I’m sorry, it just can’t be with me.”
Fingers dug into me tighter and I couldn’t look at her as I pried them away and walked toward my best friend. Her sob was like a dagger to my heart. The option to see her had always been there. I knew I could if I slipped and wanted to. But not anymore. I may have had lied about Hong Kong, but I was starting to think that’s exactly what I needed. Lydia would never be safe with me so close. Especially after tonight. It was time to really leave. To distance myself for not only her, but for me.
Chapter 35
Lydia
“Sometimes it’s not about the easier way, dear, it’s about the better way. Jaime is just trying to do what’s best for you. He wants you to be stronger, like he said. And you...” She took a drink of her tea, her brow creasing before she continued. “You have been doing everything you can to better yourself. That’s why I know he’ll come back when he thinks you’re on your feet.”
“No.” My head shook. “It’s been weeks. Jaime and I just aren’t going to work, Ms Jo. I know you want us to, but I’m afraid that’s not going to happen. Jaime thinks I’m better off alone. Sevastian said he enables my weakness. Maybe it’s true. I can see why he wouldn’t want to be together if that was the case.”
“Until you’re well,” she argued. “I know Jaime. If he said he loves you, he means it.”
The conversation was one we had often. And not by my choice. Ms Jo was adamant about me and Jaime getting together. The more time that passed, the more desperate she seemed to become. Nothing I said could convince her and I was past the point of debating. It only reopened wounds I couldn’t bear to feel. Instead, I left it at what she thought and enjoyed our time together. Which was quickly becoming a necessity for me. I looked forward to our weekends and even hated leaving.
Insufferable: A Dark Erotic Romance Page 22