by Lucy Gordon
‘I can’t,’ he said with soft violence. ‘That’s what’s so terrible. I’ll never know but I’ll believe it all my days. I did it. I killed her. How can I ever have peace?’
‘By asking yourself what she would have wanted,’ Charlotte said. ‘Maria loved you. Surely you know that, deep in your heart?’
‘Yes, I—’
‘If you let this idea wreck your life you’re being unfair to her, to her memory. Did she manage to say anything to you before she died?’
‘Yes, she said she loved me.’
‘Of course she did. Her last message to you was love, so that you would always remember it. She was trying to give you peace. Don’t refuse her the last thing she wanted.’
He didn’t reply, and she wondered if he’d even heard her. But then he leaned towards her, resting his head on her shoulder so that his face was hidden. His clasp on her tightened, sending her a silent message, and she clasped him back.
Would she one day regret what she was doing? Instead of banishing Maria’s ghost she was restoring her to him. But nothing mattered but to ease Lucio’s suffering and perhaps even give him some happiness. If it meant that she herself was the loser, she would find a way to live with that.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I shouldn’t really be talking to you about this.’
‘Why not? Remember what we said? Friends, allies, comrades? I’m the best friend you have, and you can tell me anything, any time.’
‘Thank you,’ he said softly. ‘You don’t know what a comfort that is—what it’s like never to be able to talk to anyone.’
‘What about Fiorella?’
‘I never could. Maria’s death caused her such pain—how could I make it worse? And then her husband died only a year later. She’s suffered such unbearable pain.’
‘So you protected her,’ Charlotte said.
He protected everyone, and they had all left him alone, she thought, her heart aching for him. But he wasn’t alone now, and she must let him know that.
‘You’re exhausted,’ she said. ‘Lie down and go to sleep.’
Gently she pulled him down onto the bed, drawing him across her so that his head rested on her chest. A mirror in the corner gave her a slight glimpse of his face, enough to show that his eyes were closed. Everything about him radiated contentment.
‘That’s it,’ she whispered. ‘Now you can do whatever you like. We can talk if you like, because there’s nothing you can’t tell me, and I promise never to do anything to make you regret it. Or you can sleep in my arms. And don’t worry about anything, because your friend is here.’
He stirred, and she felt the warmth of his breath against her skin. She stroked his face, laying her lips against his hair, whispering, ‘She’s here, and she’ll always be here, as long as you need her.’
CHAPTER TEN
SHE awoke to the sound of music from the canal below. It was the day of the glorious water parade, and the wedding to the sea, and all Venice was alive with pleasure and expectation.
‘It’s going to be wonderful,’ she murmured, reaching for him.
He wasn’t there.
In an instant she was back in the nightmare, alone, rejected, unwanted, first by her family, then by Lucio.
‘No,’ she groaned. ‘No, no, oh, please, no!’
At once the door was flung open and Lucio hurried in.
‘Charlotte, whatever’s the matter?’
‘Nothing,’ she choked, ‘nothing—I—’
He sat on the bed, placing his hands on her shoulders.
‘Then why are you crying? Why were you calling out? What’s upset you?’
‘Just a nightmare,’ she floundered frantically. ‘I can’t even remember....’
You vanished and all my demons began shrieking again.
But she couldn’t tell him that.
‘No time for nightmares,’ he said merrily. ‘Franco has just called to say he expects us on his boat at nine o’clock. So I’ve ordered breakfast up here and then we must be off.’
He kissed her cheek and retreated to the bathroom.
Left alone, she took some deep breaths, trying to focus her mind on the day ahead, but it was hard when dazzling memories still lived inside her. Last night they had achieved perfect physical union, and it had been beautiful. But just as beautiful had been the emotional and mental union that followed. He had called her his friend, and she had assured him that was what she would be.
But a friend could be a lover, too, and in time he would understand that. This was her promise to herself.
By nine o’clock a multitude of boats had gathered in the water next to St Mark’s Square, and within fifteen minutes they had moved off in a colourful parade across the lagoon to the Lido island. Rowers in medieval costume hauled on the oars as they crossed the glittering water.
Franco had hired a magnificent vessel, big enough for thirty people; he leaned over the side enjoying the procession as it glided over the lagoon to the Lido island. There they were joined by an even more magnificent boat, known as the Serenissima.
Once the Doge of Venice had performed the ceremony of tossing a golden ring into the water, intoning in Latin, ‘Desponsamus te, Mare, in signum veri perpetique dominii.’
‘I marry you, O sea, as a sign of permanent dominium.’
Now the ceremony was performed by the mayor. Cheers went up as he made the triumphant declaration.
A few feet away Charlotte could see Franco’s son and his fiancée, gazing into each other’s eyes.
‘Presto,’ he said joyously. ‘Presto mi sposera.’
‘They were going to marry in autumn,’ Franco confided. ‘But now he’s pressing her to marry him quickly. That’s the effect this ceremony can have. It makes people long for their own marriage.’
He turned away, calling to his other guests.
‘Perhaps he’s got a point,’ Lucio observed.
‘How do you mean?’
‘Maybe it’s time we were talking about marriage. We agreed that when you’d been here for a while you’d make a decision about staying. I can’t believe you want to go away. You’ve fitted in from the beginning. Everyone likes you and they’re all eagerly waiting for the announcement of our forthcoming marriage. Perhaps we should give it to them.’
So that was his idea of a proposal, she thought. After the night they’d shared she’d expected something that at least acknowledged their shared passion. Instead there was reasoned logic and efficiency.
‘Only if we actually decide to marry,’ she said. ‘I don’t remember us doing that.’
‘Sorry. Where are my manners? Charlotte, I want to marry you. I think we can have a good life together, not just because of our baby, but because you really belong here. You’ve felt that, too, haven’t you?’
‘It’s true that I like it here. As you say, I’ve been made welcome and people are kind. But there’s more to marriage than that.’
‘Of course there is. A man and a woman have to go well together, and we do.’
‘Yes, we’re good friends,’ she said wryly.
‘That’s important. The strongest couples can be the ones who started out knowing they could rely on each other. You know how deeply I trust you. We spoke of it last night. Surely you remember that?’
‘Yes,’ she murmured. ‘I remember last night.’
‘So do I, and there were things about it that mean the world to me. There’s such freedom in being able to talk to you. You know things about me that nobody else knows, or ever will, and I’m so glad. And I hope you have the same feeling that you can rely on me.
‘Do you think I won’t work to make you happy? I promise that I will. Anything you want, if it’s humanly possible I’ll see that you get it.’
Anything I want, she thought wryly. Your heart? Your love? But you’re telling me they wouldn’t be humanly possible.
How had this happened? Only a little time ago she’d vowed to be satisfied with their close friendship and not ask for more until lat
er. Simple common sense.
Common sense hurt more than she’d suspected, but now she realised sadly that it was all she had. And it wasn’t enough.
‘Don’t rush me, Lucio,’ she said. ‘I know we’ve talked about where this road is leading, but I’m not sure yet.’
He looked astounded, and she understood. How could she refuse him after last night? She didn’t comprehend it herself. She only knew that she wouldn’t be rushed into handing over her life to a man whose feelings fell short of hers.
‘We’ll talk about it later,’ she said.
‘All right. When we get home tonight.’
‘No, I meant in a few weeks.’
His face grew tense. ‘Last night you promised to always to be there for me.’
She wished he hadn’t said that. The memory was so painful that she winced. He saw it and misunderstood.
‘I see,’ he said with a touch of bitterness. ‘You regret it already.’
‘No, I don’t, but we were talking of friendship. As a friend, and the mother of your child, I’ll never entirely leave you but I still need some independence. Just how much I need I’m not sure.’
‘Come along!’ That was Franco, coming towards them to sweep them back up into the festivities. ‘We still have a wonderful day before us.’
‘I’m not sure how long we can stay,’ Charlotte faltered.
‘But you must see the races,’ Franco protested.
‘And after that we must return,’ Lucio said. ‘We’re grateful for your hospitality, but I have urgent things to attend to at home. I’ll arrange matters through my lawyer, and come back soon to sign papers.’
For the rest of the day they smiled and said what was appropriate before travelling back across the lagoon. All around them Venice was enjoying colourful celebrations, but they could take no part. Hurrying back to the hotel they packed and prepared to leave. A motorboat was hired to take them to Piazzale Roma, and there they collected the car and drove across the bridge to the mainland.
As they drove back to Tuscany in the twilight Charlotte gazed out of the window and wondered at herself. She’d been offered so much that she longed for, yet without warning her old rebelliousness had come alive, saying that it wasn’t good enough. Perhaps she had devastated the rest of her life. Maybe the day would dawn when she cursed herself for being unrealistic.
But it made no difference. The streak of sheer cussedness that had always intervened at inappropriate moments had cropped up now.
And, most incredible of all, she had no regrets.
* * *
For the next few weeks they saw little of each other. Lucio spent much time at distant vineyards and for once it was a relief to Charlotte that he wasn’t there.
When he came home he behaved courteously, constantly asking after her health, patting her growing bulge protectively and accompanying her on a check-up visit to the doctor. Wryly she recalled a friend back home whose husband distanced himself from the details of her pregnancy. When she protested at his lack of emotional support he was astounded. He gave her plenty of money, didn’t he? The rest was ‘women’s stuff’.
She would really envy me, Charlotte thought wryly. Lucio is everything her husband isn’t: kind, attentive, interested, concerned.
And yet—and yet...
She tried to distract herself by going online to talk to her family, and found Matt putting a call through to her. It was good to see his face on the screen. In the past she had often found more comfort in his presence than with her sisters. They were alike in many ways, sharing jokes, standing back and taking the same ironic view of life. She could tell him what had happened, and count on him to be supportive.
But this time his support took a more detached stance than she had expected.
‘Ellie told me she was worried that this guy hasn’t proposed to you. Now you’re telling me that he did propose and you turned him down. Are you nuts?’
‘I didn’t turn him down. I just said we could talk about it later.’
‘Listen, there are ways and ways of rejecting someone, and saying you’ll talk later is one of the best known. You’re nuts about him, you admit that, yet you’re taking the risk of losing him altogether. Why? Because he didn’t say all the right words and you want to kick him in the teeth.’
‘That wasn’t it. Truly, Matt, I wasn’t just being awkward—’
‘Oh, I reckon you were. As long as I’ve known you, you’ve been famous for awkwardness. You could get a medal for it. How many times have I rescued you from your own foolishness?’
‘About as often as I’ve rescued you.’
‘OK. Check. But now it’s me riding to your rescue. I don’t want to see you break your heart because you’re too stubborn to admit you’re an idiot.’
‘All right, all right! I admit it. But what can I do?’
‘You’ll have to work that out for yourself, but whatever it is, act fast. Time isn’t on your side.’
‘I know that,’ she said, patting her stomach.
‘I don’t just mean the baby, although it’s true your time for playing the seductress is running out.’
‘Thanks!’
‘I’m talking practicalities. You’re not Italian, so if you want to marry in Italy you’ll need to produce a mountain of paperwork, starting with your birth certificate.’
‘Oh, heavens! I never thought of that.’
‘Time to be practical, decide if you really want to marry him and, if so, get things organised.’
‘Yes, I guess you’re right.’
‘Let me know what happens.’
However blunt his words she knew Matt had spoken out of concern for her. He’s right, she thought. If I lose Lucio it’s all my own fault. I played it so stupidly but I couldn’t help it. I gambled on all or nothing and it looks like I’m going to get nothing. It’s going to take a miracle to bring us together, and miracles don’t seem to happen any more.
If only Lucio was here now and she could say everything she was feeling. But another two weeks passed while he stayed away. She used the time investigating the other part of Matt’s warning, and found it to be alarmingly accurate.
On the day Lucio was expected home he was late. She stood at her window, desperately looking for him, and as soon as she saw him she realised that something was up. He was driving faster than usual, and when he parked the car he leapt out, looked up at the window and ran inside.
‘All right,’ he said, coming into her room. ‘Enough’s enough. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking on the way home, and you’ve played too many games with me. I want an answer.’
‘I’m not playing games—’
‘Then give me an answer and make it yes.’ He grasped her arm. ‘Charlotte, I mean it. You’ve driven me to distraction and I can’t take any more. I know I made a mess of the proposal. I’m not the kind of man who can go down on one knee, but I asked you because I really want you.’
‘Lucio, I—aargh!’ She broke off in a gasp.
‘What is it?’ he cried. ‘Charlotte what happened? Did I hurt you? I didn’t mean to—I barely touched you.’
‘No, you didn’t hurt me,’ she said in a dazed voice. ‘Aaah!’ She gasped again.
‘What happened?’ he demanded, in agony.
‘The baby—it’s moving. It kicked me. There! It’s done it again.’
‘You mean—?’
She looked down, running her fingers over her slight bulge. ‘Just there. You can feel the movement from the outside.’
Tentatively, almost fearfully, he touched the bulge with his fingertips.
‘Can you feel it?’ she asked.
‘No—yes—I think. But is it all right? Should that be happening?’
‘Of course. I’ve felt movement before but not as much as this. It’s good. It means our child is strong and healthy. It’ll have a good start in the world.’
With a sigh that was almost a groan he knelt so that he could lay his head against her. He kept it there, not moving for a
few moments. Then he raised his face far enough for her to see his closed eyes and gentle, ecstatic smile.
‘Yes,’ he whispered ecstatically. ‘I can feel it—yes.’
He opened his eyes to see her looking down at him.
‘Yes,’ he repeated. ‘It’s wonderful.’
‘Yes,’ she agreed, taking his face between her hands.
‘Charlotte—please—’
‘Yes,’ she repeated.
‘You don’t understand what I’m saying....’
‘But I do.’ She held his gaze for a moment. ‘And my answer is yes.’
He rose, looking at her intently. ‘You mean it?’
‘Yes.’
‘Marriage?’
‘Yes.’
He put his arms around her, drawing her a little closer, but giving her extra room for the bulge.
‘We’re going to have a child,’ he said in a dazed voice. ‘I already knew that but...suddenly it’s more real.’
That was also how she felt. She’d longed for a miracle, and it had been given to her. Now they had shared this moment no power on earth could have made her refuse him. Filled with contentment she rested her head on his shoulder, then tensed as there was another kick.
‘Ah!’ she gasped.
‘Does it hurt?’ he asked, full of tender anxiety for her.
‘No, it just means our offspring is establishing a personality already. It’s probably a boy. With a kick like that he’s going to be a soccer player.’
‘Or a politician,’ Lucio said with a wry smile. ‘He already knows how to get the better of people. Remember I said I couldn’t go down on one knee?’
‘And he made you do just that,’ she said. ‘Your first trial of strength and he won.’
He hugged her. ‘I’m really looking forward to meeting this lad. Come on, let’s tell everyone.’
He led her out of the bedroom and down the stairs, holding her gently but firmly.
‘Be careful,’ he said.
‘Lucio I’ve used these stairs a hundred times without an accident.’
‘I know but...it’s different now.’
‘Yes, it is,’ she said, taking his hand and smiling happily.