by Bella Andre
It hadn't been hard to find out where he was. She'd simply gone to the hospital and told a couple of doctors that she needed to talk to Luke Carson immediately. At first they had been cagey with her, until she told them that she was his sister-in-law. Perhaps it hadn't been right for her to make them assume it was a family emergency, but in a way, wasn't it? After all, she and Luke were family.
And in her worst moments since he'd left in the middle of the night, everything had kind of felt like an emergency.
Following the directions she'd been given, she turned off Highway 1 onto a narrow gravel driveway. It wound up the mountain, then over the peak and down the other side. Blue water sparkled at her through the thick cypress trees.
She could easily imagine sitting out on one of the bluffs with her sketchpad. Already, she could see a new line of printed fabrics in greens and blues. But she wasn't here to work on new designs.
She was here for Luke.
And, if she was being completely honest, for herself too. Because if there was any chance that things could actually go somewhere between the two of them-
No. She couldn't go there. She shouldn't go there. Not when she knew better.
Didn't she?
Inner turmoil roiled inside her as she pulled in behind Luke's car in the tiny gravel parking lot. Stepping out of the car, she forced herself to take a moment to breathe in the sweet-smelling ocean air.
No one had ever called Janica stupid, and they weren't about to now. She knew exactly what she was walking into.
Luke was going to hate that she was here. He was going to hate that she knew something had gone wrong for him at the hospital. And odds were pretty damn high that he was going to take it out on her.
The question was, how?
Standing alone in the trees, looking out on the water, she smiled. Despite her nerves, the adventurous part of her was looking forward to seeing what he would do—and if they would end up together in bed again.
Walking around the side of the cabin, she saw stairs that led to a front porch. Never one to back down from a challenge, she squared her shoulders, lifted her chin, and headed up. The deck chairs and dining table were all empty, but the door was wide open. Almost as if Luke couldn't be bothered even to shut it.
Her heart racing with anticipation simply at the thought of seeing him again, she made her way across the deck to the doorway. He was sitting in the only chair that faced away from the ocean. And it looked like he had a half-empty bottle of tequila in his hands.
“Nice place they keep up here for you doctors. If I'd known that these were the perks, I might have become a doctor too.”
“What the hell are you doing here?”
He asked the question without even turning to look at her. A guaranteed way to piss her off. And yet, he didn't seem particularly surprised by her presence. Almost as if he'd known she was going to come down here to find him.
She said the easiest thing first—“Lily is worried about you.”—then hated herself for it.
She never took the easy way out. She wasn't going to start now.
“I'm worried about you.”
Still not turning to face her, he said, “You need to go.”
Good one. He had to know she wasn't going anywhere.
Scanning the room for the seat with the best ocean view, she moved to it and sat down, kicking her legs up onto the coffee table. “I've been needing a vacation. I think I'll take it here.”
Now he had no choice but to look at her. “I don't have time for your games, Janica.”
“Actually, from what I hear, you've got nothing but time. Four weeks of time.”
In a flash, he was up on his feet and coming after her. He grabbed her shoulders and wrenched her up from her seat.
“You're leaving. Right now.”
But she wasn't afraid of him. Even if, judging by his furious expression and the extremely hard grip he had on her, she should be.
“Not until you tell me what's going on. Not until you tell me why you showed up at my place last night.”
His answer came fast, furious. “I wanted to fuck you.”
She flinched and saw a flash of regret in his eyes. But it was gone as fast as it had come.
What had happened to him? To the Luke she knew?
And why couldn't she just let him go back to living his life alone, completely separate from her?
But she already knew the answer to that.
Love.
“And now I want you to leave me the hell alone.”
There was such hardness to his words, a lifelessness beneath them that broke her heart. Not because he was hurting her with his callousness after the night they'd spent together – even though she had to admit there was a little hurt bubbling up inside of her – but because it was clear just how much he was hurting.
Last night she'd looked into his eyes, had run her fingers across the harsh lines of his face, and knew how much he needed her. But today, things were even worse.
What had happened?
Janica knew she'd never been good with this emotion stuff. All her life, she'd been physical, active.
How could she reach him?
All she knew was that she couldn't go. She couldn't leave him alone. Not like this.
Making a show of scanning the cabin, she said, “It looks to me like you've got plenty of space here. Besides, you wouldn't turn out family, would you?”
“Don't go there, Janica,” he warned her in a low, rough voice.
“Where else should I go, Luke? Would you rather I told you how much I liked it when you had your mouth on my—”
Half expecting him to bodily throw her off the porch at this point, she was surprised when he cut her off with a kiss, a hard connection of lips and tongues and teeth. He tasted like tequila and his own particular brand of heat.
How would she ever get her fill of him?
A sharp pang squeezed her heart. She never would.
Both of them were breathing hard when he yanked himself away, only this time she was the one who didn't want to meet his eyes.
Because, for the first time in her life, she cared too much.
And she was the one who was going to end up destroyed.
Love sucked.
Especially when it only went one way.
Especially when a little voice in her head told her there wasn't a chance in hell that Luke was ever going to return her feelings. If she were anyone else, if she was blonde and tall and arctic like all of his girlfriends had been, then maybe she would have a chance with him. But Luke Carson falling in love with Janica Ellis?
Freaking preposterous.
His eyes were dark, hard, shut down as he stared down at her. “I'll let you stay on one condition.”
Suddenly, it was hard to breathe. She wanted to stay so much. Too much.
“Tell me.”
“I want you naked.”
Despite the ache of her heart, despite the fact that he hadn't said one nice, one kind, one gentle thing to her so far, despite the fact that he hadn't apologized for leaving her apartment the night before without a goodbye, her body instantly reacted to his command.
Wasn't this exactly what she wanted? To be naked and sweaty with him again? After all, hadn't she spent her whole life chasing pleasure?
But for some reason, she couldn't just start ripping off her clothes as if she didn't have a care in the world.
Because she did care.
And because a little part of her heart actually felt like it was breaking. This time, entirely for herself.
He leaped on her hesitation. “Take off your clothes before I do it for you.” He paused, a muscle jumping in his jaw. “Or get the hell out.”
Hardly able to believe her fingers were trembling—when was the last time she felt this nervous, this unsure?—she reached for the hem of her top and pulled it over her head. He didn't try to help, didn't rip it off of her like he had the night before. Instead, he just stood there like a he had turned to heartless s
tone and watched her as she unbuttoned the top of her jeans, pulled the zipper down, and slid them down her legs.
Left in only a bra and panties, strangely, she felt shy.
“Everything off, Janica.”
She swallowed, shook her head. It wasn't that he hadn't seen her naked before, because obviously he had. It was that she'd suddenly realized something truly shocking.
More hot sex with Luke wasn't going to be enough.
Not for her.
Even if he was acting like sex was the only thing he wanted from her.
She had to know that at least a small part of his heart was involved first. And if it turned out that it wasn't, well then she was going to have to do the hardest thing imaginable—she was going to have to walk away from Luke. And his incredible lovemaking.
And any chance at all of a future togeth-
Damn it. She needed to stop doing that. Needed to stop imagining that there was even the slightest chance that he could fall for her.
Still, even if he was never going to fall in love with her, she couldn't have sex with him again if there wasn't a chance at their being friends after everything was over.
After this craziness had finally come to its inevitable end.
Her heart felt like someone had been kicking it with steel-toed boots as she said, “You don't like me.”
She read his surprise at her abrupt statement loud and clear. It wasn't what she planned to say, but now that she had, she couldn't hide from the truth of it.
“I like fucking you.”
Oh. Wow.
That hurt.
But what had she expected him to say? Oh no, Janica. I absolutely adore you.
As if.
“I loved fucking you too,” she said softly, working like hell to mask her careening emotions. But she couldn't. She could feel her cheeks falling, her mouth starting to shake despite her attempts at control. “So that's all this is?”
A deep, dark anguish flashed across his face. And then, instead of answering, instead of breaking her heart the rest of the way, instead of grinding it completely to dust, he moved closer, caressed her cheek with one of his large hands.
She blinked up at Luke, knowing she should leave, telling herself to leave, but then his mouth was on hers and it was such a gentle, sweet kiss that she simply melted into him.
Thank god. She didn't have to leave him.
* * *
He wasn't alone.
Janica had dropped everything in her life to come here to be with him. She'd given her body to him, then given him her heart too, and even after he'd walked out on her the night before without one kind word, she'd gone to the hospital to find him anyway.
He didn't need a flashing billboard to see that she how much she cared about him.
And in return, he was hurting her. Over and over again, he was lashing out at her, making sure to let her know that she was nothing but a fuck toy to him.
When the truth was she was anything but.
When the truth was that he didn't want her to go.
When the truth was that even after only ten minutes together in the cabin, he knew if Janica left, he'd feel the echoes of her everywhere he looked for the next four weeks.
Maybe even for the rest of his life.
The power of these realizations had him reeling.
Her mouth was soft beneath his. Last night their kisses had been rough, caught up in the delirium of their passion. Now, he had the time to learn the curve of her lips, the sweep of her tongue, to find out how much she liked it when he dipped into the corners where her lips met.
Barely pulling back from her mouth, he whispered, “I like you. So much more than you know.”
Now she was the one kissing him. “Then take me back to bed, Luke.”
He wasn't going to lie, he had enjoyed playing out the dominant-submissive fantasy last night, but those roles weren't who either of them really were. If he could have, he would have told her how sorry he was, but his emotions were still too tangled up, too mangled for the words to come.
He'd have to tell her another way.
He lightly stroked her short, silky hair. “You're beautiful.”
“So are you.”
The sun was streaming into the cabin's windows as they held each other, and then, she was stepping out of his arms, reaching around to undo the clasp at the back of her bra.
It fell to the ground and he finally got to see her beautiful breasts in the light of day.
He was temporarily paralyzed by his desire for her. A small smile playing on her lips, she hooked her thumbs into the sides of her panties and slowly shimmied them off.
“I'm naked now. Just the way you said you wanted me.”
Was her playful spin on his angry, hard words her way of saying she forgave him? Please, he would give anything to have her forgive him. To have her know that he didn't mean any of the harsh things he'd said. That he wished he could take back all of the harsh things he'd done.
“Now it's your turn,” she said, breaking into his thoughts.
As if it were the most normal thing in the world, she sat down on the couch and crossed her legs, completely naked as she looked up at him and waited for him to comply with her request.
He'd never been with a woman who was so comfortable with her body. With herself, period.
His cock, already hard from their kiss and her striptease, twitched in response to her command. He moved to undo his belt, but she shook her head.
“Shirt off first.”
His entire adult life, Luke had been in control. Whatever he needed, whatever he wanted at the hospital, all he had to do was ask and it was delivered to him. For the first time, it wasn't his show.
Sure, he was bigger, stronger than Janica. He could take over in an instant, pick up her small body and pull her over him. But that wasn't what this was about.
Right now, he needed to not only give her back what he'd taken from her the night before when he'd been completely out of control, he needed to give her the most important thing of all.
His trust.
The question was, could he do it?
Chapter Eleven
There was so much going on in that head of his.
Too much.
“Sex doesn't have to be this complicated, Luke,” she said softly.
Wanting to help him, she reached for his hands and pulled him down to his knees in front of her. Wrapping her legs around his waist, she pressed her lips to his forehead, to his cheekbones, to his chin.
Saving the best for last, she pressed her lips to his mouth. All the while, emotion was building up from way down deep in her belly, from the center of her heart, and even though she knew what was coming, even though she knew she shouldn't say it again, she simply couldn't stop herself.
“I love you.”
She could feel his breath against her lips, his heart beating against her chest. And then he was kissing her again, and she was pulling off his T-shirt and unzipping his jeans.
His erection was hard and thick and hot against her naked skin.
“Take me, Luke.”
In one slow thrust he sheathed himself inside her and she gasped at how full, how complete she felt. Her pussy lips were still sensitive from their lovemaking the night before, but instead of pain she felt the deepest pleasure she'd ever known. Without even a thin layer of latex between them, she felt truly connected to him.
As connected as he'd let her get.
Luke was sitting back on his shins cradling her body above his. His tongue played with hers, his hands cupped the curve of her ass, the light dusting of hair on his chest tickling her erect nipples as she rocked against him.
Part of her wanted to stay like this forever, but the other part that desperately wanted to ride his hard shaft until they were both crying out in pleasure couldn't be ignored. Using the muscles in her legs, she lifted herself off of his long shaft until only the tip of his head still remained inside, then sank down on him again, as far she could go.
>
He pulled back from their kiss and captured her gaze.
“Janica.”
She couldn't read his expression, apart from the clear desire he felt for her.
She could feel tears coming again. Dammit, why was she crying every single time they had sex? Why couldn't she just concentrate on how good it felt? On the fact that every one of her sexual fantasies about Luke was coming true?
Ducking her head so that he wouldn't see—even though he already knew she loved him and really, what more was there to give to him?—she was surprised to feel the back of his hand beneath her chin tilting her face back up.
“How can you love me?”
His words were a raw whisper. She was surprised by the depth of pain beneath them, by the fact that he didn't seem to know just how wonderful he really was.
Their bodies still entwined in the most elemental of ways, she raised her hands to his face to run her fingertips over his lips, his jaw, his eyebrows. “Well, you're the most beautiful man I've ever seen, for one.”
But when he frowned, she knew now wasn't the time for teasing, for easy lines she could feed to any guy.
“I love you because you're good.”
Lost in her emotions, she unconsciously shifted her weight on him and as his thick shaft somehow slid in even deeper, on a gasp of pleasure she said, “I love you because you're honest.”
Her nerves endings were on fire, not just at the tips of her breasts, not just between her legs, but also the ones inside her chest, where everything she felt for Luke began and ended.
“I love you because you always took care of my sister and I always knew she was safe with you.”
The tears were falling now, along with spirals of incredible pleasure which were rippling all across her skin. There was nothing she could do to stop either of them.
“I love you, Luke,” she finally whispered in a voice that shook from the powerful sensations taking her over, body and soul, “because of everything you do and everything you are.”
She even loved him despite the fact that she knew he would never love her back, despite the fact that his eyes were dark and unreadable as he listened to her reasons for loving him.
Hating her endless, stupid tears, she fought desperately for control. Wanting to do something, anything to try and guard what was left of her heart, she shifted her weight on his lap to take him deeper.