by Robbi McCoy
“Too bad you didn’t get to see it, though,” Cassie said.
“Some day,” Faith said, taking the offered cup from Lauren.
Lauren handed a cup to Cassie. “Just black for you, I know. And, Jennifer, how do you take your coffee?”
“Black,” she answered.
Jennifer seemed more relaxed than she had in China. Lauren was glad to see it. She wanted them both to enjoy their visit, the first of many such reunions.
Once everyone had coffee, Lauren served dessert, a frozen praline cheesecake with a crushed nut crust, a twist on the traditional pecan pies she knew Cassie loved.
“Oh, my God, Lauren!” Cassie said with her mouth full, “this is so good. It’s like ice cream and pecan pie and cheesecake all in one. This has just become my favorite dessert of all time.”
“It really is good,” Jennifer agreed. “Everything was so good. Did you ever go to cooking school?”
“No. Just picked it up as I went along. I enjoy it. Cooking’s a stress reliever for me.”
“Not for me,” Jennifer said. “It causes me stress to even think about cooking. But, seriously, you could be a real chef.”
“I did consider it, actually,” Lauren said, “as something to do later, in retirement. Either that or travel writing.”
“Travel writing about food,” Cassie affirmed. “That’s your angle. Combine the two.”
“Yes,” Lauren said. “That’s the idea.”
“As long as it keeps you engaged,” Cassie said, “keep at it. You’re a good writer. That article on Shanghai was great. Really brought the place to life. Very colorful.”
“Thanks,” Lauren said.
“I agree,” Faith said. “I’ll be surprised if it gets rejected. You sent it to Southwest, didn’t you?”
“Yes. I’m still waiting on that.”
It seemed to Lauren there was a subtle competition going on between Faith and Cassie, but one that only Faith was participating in. All evening she had made a point of saying things that made it clear she was actively involved in Lauren’s life, that the two of them were intimate and happy. Which they were. There was no need to make a point of it. It wasn’t often apparent, but every once in a while in the last few months, Lauren had sensed Faith’s insecurity over Cassie. Lauren had felt the need to reassure her occasionally that there was nothing to be concerned about. They were just good friends and Lauren was hopelessly in love with Faith and ecstatically happy with her life. All of which was true.
Lauren was aware that she was captivated by Cassie beyond the bounds of ordinary friendship, but she attributed that in part to the artificiality created by geographical distance. She had never admitted this to Cassie and only barely admitted it to herself. In the same way she expected Faith’s fears to be eased by Cassie’s proximity, she also expected her own fascination to be tempered by the real-life woman. She considered her image of Cassie to be an illusion, a fantasy. As such, it would certainly be dispelled by a dose of reality. Lauren was looking forward to that, to her own disillusionment, which she had no doubt would be forthcoming. Once Cassie became a real person to her, with irritating habits and jarring shortcomings, they could fall into a comfortable, ordinary friendship with one another. What she’d felt toward Cassie up to now was just the opposite of comfortable. It was excessive. It was too happy, too excited, too anxious. It was too emotional, so she was very much looking forward to the calm which she was sure was just around the corner.
“Speaking of alternative careers,” Faith said, addressing Cassie, “have you given any more thought to law school?”
“Still thinking about it.”
Jennifer frowned, then said, “That’s just not realistic. If Cass went to law school, she’d have to give up her job. She might be able to get something part-time, but it wouldn’t even come close to paying what she makes now. I mean, why give up a good paycheck for something so uncertain?”
“Why uncertain?” Faith asked.
“Well, you know, law school is hard. The bar exam is hard. A lot of people don’t pass it. And then what? Cassie’s the type who wants to give it all away for free anyway. She’d spend so much time doing pro bono work we’d starve. Okay, not starve. I make enough to feed us. But there would be no more trips like China. And nothing like the kitchen remodel we’re doing right now.”
Lauren looked at Cassie, who smiled self-consciously before taking another bite of her dessert. In their discussions of law school, Cassie hadn’t mentioned that Jennifer was so set against it.
“You’re remodeling your kitchen?” Faith asked.
“Yes. We’re going with cherry cabinets and this faux granite countertop. Like granite, but harder, less porous. The ceiling will have recessed lighting and the backsplash is going to be....” Jennifer turned to Lauren. “You know all about this already, don’t you?”
“Uh, huh,” Lauren said. “I’ve seen photos of all your materials.”
“Hell,” Cassie said, scraping the last of her pie off the plate, “Lauren picked out the floor tile.”
Lauren saw a brief look of surprise on Faith’s face before she laughed and said, “Well, I haven’t seen any of it.”
“Oh, don’t worry,” said Jennifer, “you’ll get to see it when you come visit us this fall.”
Faith was taken by surprise again, Lauren realized, and remembered she had not yet mentioned this proposal.
“We’ve just been talking,” Lauren offered nonchalantly. “We might run down later in the year. I’ve never been to Albuquerque. Lots to see there.”
“Right,” Faith agreed, graciously. “I’m sure we’d have a wonderful time.”
“We thought October because of the balloon festival,” Cassie said.
“Oh!” Faith brightened. “I’ve always wanted to see that.”
“One of our main attractions,” Jennifer remarked.
Did Faith think it was odd they were planning their next visit with Cassie and Jennifer before this one had even concluded? She was being very agreeable about all these surprises being sprung on her. There’d been so many times Lauren had felt she was talking too much about Cassie, so she’d held back. But now she realized there were some things that would have been better discussed, like their trip to Albuquerque, a trip that, despite the casual way she was talking about it now, was so well formulated between herself and Cassie that the dates were set and Lauren had already put in her leave slip at work.
She glanced at Cassie, who gave her a tiny smile of complicity. Lauren felt like a teenager sharing a secret with her little sister at the dinner table. Faith, cast in the role of indulgent mother, stared calmly at Lauren over the rim of her coffee cup.
“What are we doing tomorrow?” Jennifer asked.
“Touring Portland,” Lauren answered. “We’ll take in some of the sights here first, then head out to the Columbia River and drive along that. It’s very scenic. Lots of waterfalls.”
“What’s the one with the bridge across the middle,” Cassie asked. “You see it all the time in postcards. Will we see that?”
“It’s Multnomah. We’ll definitely see it. Maybe we’ll stop there for dinner. There’s a lodge and restaurant. Then, after we’ve done Portland, we thought we’d drive down the coast. Lots to do there. We booked a hotel, so we can take our time, drive down nearly to California. Then drive back up the next day.”
“Sounds wonderful,” Cassie said.
“No graveyards?” Jennifer asked. “No coffins, skeletons, devil statues?”
Faith laughed loudly. “No. This is your vacation, not mine. But if you really want to see something along those lines, I might be able to dig something up.”
Cassie flung herself back in her chair and laughed without reservation. “Dig something up!”
“No, thanks,” Jennifer said while Cassie continued laughing.
Her laugh was wonderfully carefree. Lauren watched her admirably. It was so good to have her here in the flesh at last.
Chapter Nineteen
The visit was going wonderfully, Lauren decided. The fears she had held a few days ago had been completely unfounded. Everything had been perfect. She turned to look at Cassie and their eyes met. They both smiled.
“I think you and Faith complement one another well,” Cassie said.
“How do you mean?” Lauren looked at the ground where her toes were drawing circular patterns in the sand.
“You fill in one another’s gaps. I’m basing that partly on what you yourself said over the last several months. But, you know, she sees the big picture and you see the details. She can be reckless and you’re the voice of caution.”
“Years ago we went on a picnic that ended up defining our roles very aptly. We have this saying about it. She remembers to bring the wine and I remember to bring the corkscrew.”
“Well, that sure sums it up!” Cassie laughed. “She’s sort of a dreamer, isn’t she?”
Lauren considered that for a moment, then said, “Yes, she is. Her imagination tends to go only upward, skyward. I think she’d fly right into the sun if she had wings.”
“That’s what I meant. She’s impulsive. Sort of fearless.”
“It’s because she never thinks anything bad can happen.”
“And that’s a great way to live, don’t you think?”
“I do.” Lauren looked over to where Faith was crouched over a tide pool, peering down with rapt attention. “But bad things do happen.”
“Yes, but they’re going to happen whether you worry about it or not. I think her approach is better than living with a sense of dread.”
“I agree.”
“I finished her book, by the way. I was hoping to have some time to discuss it with her.”
“What’d you think?”
“Riveting.” Cassie sighed. “I had no idea there were so many ways to approach death. It was really an eye-opener. A wonderful book. I’ve loaned it to a friend and raved about it to several other people.” Cassie shook her head. “Some of those stories are so bizarre.”
“Yes, they are. But all true. No embellishment.”
“It sort of makes you wonder. If every culture believes in an afterlife, maybe it’s because there really is one.”
Lauren smiled. “Maybe. But then you have to wonder, which one is it?”
“Well, I hope it isn’t the one where we turn into snakes and spend eternity trying to escape the jaws of the Great Jackal.”
Lauren laughed and bumped playfully against Cassie.
“Something I noticed about the book,” Cassie said, “was the writing style. Sometimes it seemed very similar to yours.”
“Oh, sure. I’m her editor. Unofficially. We worked on that book together. I mean, she wrote it and I helped her polish it for the layperson. She tends to be too technical sometimes.”
“That’s nice that you can work together like that.”
Lauren nodded. “She helps me with my articles too. We’re very involved in each other’s work.”
“That’s wonderful, really.” Cassie sounded wistful, then squinted and asked, “Do you ever feel eclipsed?”
“Eclipsed?” Lauren glanced over at Faith, thinking about the various ways in which she glowed so much brighter than most people. “No. I would only feel eclipsed if I wasn’t getting what I wanted.”
Cassie smiled, then slipped her arm around Lauren’s and hugged her close. Lauren wasn’t normally comfortable with people touching her, but she was comfortable with Cassie, even from the first day. It felt natural and easy, like they were good friends already, like she had known her, even loved her, all her life. Like a sister, she reminded herself.
“Why did you ask me that?” Lauren asked.
“When I first met you, you seemed, uh, I don’t know how to describe it. You were quiet, in the background sort of. You didn’t stand out. But I was drawn to you right away, anyway. You didn’t say much, but when you did speak, you were so clever. Once I got you to myself, I discovered what an interesting, fun, vibrant woman you are. Faith’s just such a strong personality. When the two of you are together, you seem to fade a bit. Sort of like a tiny diamond next to a big old quartz crystal. The diamond, when it’s not in the company of the quartz, is exquisite.”
Lauren studied Cassie’s face, wondering at this line of questioning. There was a subtle, implied criticism of her relationship with Faith, something she’d never heard from Cassie before.
“Do you really think of me as so small next to her?” Lauren asked.
“Not exactly. I think you’re content to sit back and let her shine.”
“I think you’re right. I’m perfectly happy not being in the limelight. I get a lot of pleasure watching her forge her path through the world. I don’t feel like I’m giving up anything or compromising myself, if that’s what you’re getting at.”
“Yes, that’s what I was getting at. I was just wondering if you felt that your own needs had to be secondary.”
“No,” Lauren said firmly. “If there was something I really wanted, I’d know how to ask for it. As it is, I’m very happy. I feel enriched being with her, not diminished. Not in any way.”
Cassie stared into Lauren’s eyes momentarily, then smiled. “Good. Well, you look happy. You both do. You look happy together. I’m glad you are.”
Faith was still some distance away. She was standing in a rocky area with a couple of kids, gesturing in a way that suggested she was giving them a lesson in shoreline ecology or something. Maybe she was explaining how sea stacks were formed or why it was important not to touch the tiny creatures in the pools. Whatever she was telling them, they were listening attentively. Faith was a commanding presence. Those children wouldn’t be able to ignore her, not until she turned her back, at least.
“I love the ocean,” Cassie said, holding her face up to the sun and closing her eyes. “And I’m particularly loving this day. Your coastline is very beautiful. Not just the ocean, but the little towns and the countryside. The fishing villages remind me of watercolor paintings. What was the name of that one town we stopped in for lunch?”
“Coos Bay.”
“Coos Bay. Right. I could have stayed there for hours. Actually, I can imagine living there. It just had that feeling about it. That I’d be content to walk those streets and say howdy to the townspeople for the rest of my days.”
Lauren laughed. “It isn’t Mayberry!”
“You’re right. But I would like to retire someplace like that some day.”
“Would Jennifer want to live in a place like that?”
Cassie smiled absently. “I don’t know.”
Lauren decided not to pursue that subject because she knew that on some level Cassie believed she and Jennifer would not stay together for the long term. She hadn’t said it directly, but they’d come to know one another well over the last several months and Lauren had been listening carefully. Cassie and Jennifer were growing apart. Their lives were taking divergent paths, the gap between them widening, gradually, in a way they themselves didn’t yet acknowledge. Not openly anyway and not to one another, but Cassie, Lauren was sure, at least suspected they were heading toward a break-up. They were still living as if they were happy and in love, having fashioned all of their habits around a truth that might no longer be true.
Cassie did sometimes openly express her frustration. Like when Jennifer went out drinking with her coworkers instead of coming home, or acted impatient when Cassie tried to talk about her day. These disappointments were either becoming more frequent or Cassie was allowing herself to express them more liberally. Laur
en was resolved to be there with unreserved support when the time did come for the two of them to break up. If it did. There was always a chance they would work through their problems, one of which was Jennifer’s youth, a problem that would resolve itself naturally in time. It didn’t seem hopeless. For one thing, Lauren was certain Cassie really loved Jennifer. Whether the reverse was true or not wasn’t as clear. Lauren barely knew Jennifer. What Lauren had detected in Cassie of late was a feeling of loneliness, though she knew Cassie wouldn’t have admitted that outright. The two of them, though, had developed a sensitivity to one another so acute that even from their distance, through only a few neutral, written words, they could sense one another’s moods.
Today, though, everything was right. Cassie was happy and Jennifer was agreeable and the four of them were completely, fabulously in the moment. To Lauren, living in the moment seemed like the key to a happy life. If there was any one thing she could have singled out as the main difference between herself and Faith, that would be it. Faith knew how to live that way. It seemed to come naturally to her. Lauren could almost never manage it.
Suddenly Lauren noticed Faith standing several feet away, aiming the camera at them, apparently having just taken a photo.
“Hey, you two,” she called. “Come out here and take a look at this sea star. It’s worth seeing.”
Cassie released Lauren’s arm and they followed Faith to the tide pools where they picked their way carefully over the wet rocks trying to avoid stepping on anything living.
Faith led them to a pool with a tiny sea star, brilliant red, but only an inch across. “Isn’t that cute?”
“It’s precious,” Cassie agreed, leaning over the pool.
Faith went to join Jennifer further along the beach. Lauren and Cassie both lay down on their stomachs on the rocks to peer into the pool at the diminutive sea star. There were scads of interesting things in this pool. The longer she watched, the more Lauren saw. Several small snails crawled across the surface of submerged rocks. Two green sea anemones, only slightly larger than the sea star, occupied sheltered crevices. A few limpets the size of dimes clung securely to their bases. Every couple of minutes a rush of foamy water came flowing in, then drained back out, leaving the pool calm again.