I don’t know who I thought I was trying to fool because I’d never been with someone just for the sake of getting off. I wanted a connection with someone before I got intimate, and I knew, despite my other hang ups, I couldn’t let that one go no matter how much I wanted to.
I looked at him for just a second as a hint of a smile appeared on his lips. “You know, a lot of women at this point wouldn’t be as restrained as you are.”
“I’m a fucking lady.”
“Apparently… Even when I’m not a gentleman. I like it.” He lowered his chin so that he was closer to eye to eye with me. I wanted to look away, but there was nowhere else really to look but into those beautiful eyes of his.
“You like that I haven’t tried to jump your bones? Cause I’m pretty sure you thought that’s exactly what I wanted to do not all that long ago.”
“Mmhm… You’ve proven you’re not like most people. Makes me respect you.”
“You don’t respect other women?” In that second before he answered, I questioned how I could’ve been attracted to a man who was apparently a giant pig. It seemed that I’d misjudged him, big time.
“I do respect women in general, but it’s just that a lot of the women I encounter are only there for the physical stuff, and that’s fine. I like the physical stuff, too, and I’m not better than anyone else in that area. You seem like you’re the type that needs more than just sex.”
“You could say that.” Okay, so maybe he wasn’t quite as piggish as I’d thought. “My last two relationships didn’t end well, and this is the closest I’ve been physically to a man for quite some time. I don’t know whether to relax or try and run away right now.” The heat in my cheeks began to build as I tilted my head down so I could avoid looking him right in the eye.
His hand brushed my cheek, pushing a few strands of hair behind my ear. “Please don’t run away from me… I would never push you to do anything you don’t want to do.”
“You don’t have to push me because you have plenty of others lined up for the opportunity to bed Ash London.” I giggled the girliest giggle in my life and wanted to smack myself for it.
He laughed a little harder than I thought he would at my miserable attempt at being funny. “Just so you know for future reference, I would absolutely be open to anything you’d want to do if you ever want it. I’m only a few blocks away… unless I’m on tour of course, but I would fly you out if you really wanted it bad enough.”
I laughed hard. “You’re ridiculous!”
“Just putting it out there.” He squeezed me, and for a split second, I considered going for it. I wanted him. God knows I did. To hell with my hang ups. But just as I started to open my mouth, my stomach began to tie itself in knots as my voice left me. The next man I had relations with was going to have to be one I was in love with and trusted completely. A rock star was not at the top of the list of trustworthy men. Still, it would be fun to at least…
“Kiss me,” I whispered before I could stop myself. No harm in kissing.
He raised his eyebrow and half smiled at me, positioning himself a little closer. “Did I hear you right just now?” he murmured. His lips were close enough that I could feel the heat radiating from them.
Losing my nerve, I began to turn away as his free hand lightly caught my chin, blocking me from doing so. Tilting my face back toward him, his soft lips barely touched mine. Softer than I’d imagined... Grabbing my side, he pulled me closer to his body. His breathing came shallow as his chest rose and fell under the tips of my fingers.
His tongue grazed the inside of my lips as I opened them slightly. Sliding my hand up his neck, I gently gripped his jawline as he pushed against me with his body, my back flattening against the bed. Keenly aware of the fact that he was positioning himself over top of me, I began to panic. I’d let it go too far.
I tried to pull away but he was so enamored with the kiss that he followed me, not noticing the anxiety that was building with every second. Putting my hands on his chest, I shoved him hard. “Stop,” I said against his lips.
He pulled back, looking down at me with concern in his eyes. “I’m sorry. I just thought…”
“No, it’s not your fault. I shouldn’t have told you to kiss me. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t ever be sorry, Lila… There’s very little you could do to offend me. Do you want me to give you some space?”
I shook my head as he took my hand in his, steadying the trembling I was trying so hard to hide. Pulling me close again, he kissed my forehead, and said, “Goodnight, sweet Lila.”
CHAPTER 14 – ASH LONDON
Holding her close, I listened to her breathing—fast and shallow at first, but eventually evening out as sleep took her. It was the only thing I could think of to do. I didn’t figure she’d want to talk about it, but I could tell she needed to be comforted.
The kiss was fucking hot. The best I’d had in a long time. Her lips set me on fire. Passion radiated between us, or at least I thought it did. The whole incident didn’t seem to have the same effect on her.
She was terrified of me in those few seconds. She never told me that, but I could see it in her eyes. It was dim, with only the fireplace lighting the room, but the fear was there. I thought I felt her pull away from me, but I figured she was just positioning herself to be more comfortable because I could’ve sworn she was still kissing me. Truth be told, sex was on my mind, and I had no doubt that’s where we were headed. When I felt her hands push against my chest, I knew I’d gone too far.
Christ, who knew a kiss would be going too far? It was definitely something I hadn’t ever really dealt with, not since I was in high school. I found myself wondering what exactly had made her panic like that, and then I wondered if I truly wanted to know. It’s not like I really knew her all that well at that point. Yeah, she let me lean on her when my dad died, but really we could’ve gone our separate ways after that, never seeing each other again, and it wouldn’t have surprised me. It would have sucked since she’d made a huge impression on me when she showed me that she cared, but it could’ve happened.
The thought of that crashed into my mind. Maybe she wouldn’t want to see me again after that. As much as I wanted to keep getting to know her, I had to face the possibility that she might not want the same. What could I do but wait and let her make the next move?
I didn’t want to do anything that might damage what we’d started to build. She was a person who reminded me of a different time. When I was around her, I felt like I’d known her for years—like she was an old, familiar friend, and she certainly had proven herself to me in that department. There was something about the way she talked to me that made me feel like a regular dude. I could see the briefest hint of her being star struck by me at times, but she didn’t let that affect how she treated me.
I drifted off to sleep shortly after I knew she was alright, but the next morning, she started twitching and making a quiet whimpering sound. I’d taken her dog outside and given him some food so she wouldn’t have to worry about doing it. When I came back into the room, that’s how I found her. I felt horrible for her, thinking she was having a nightmare about what I’d done. I couldn’t let her suffer anymore.
Shaking her gently, I said. “Lila… Wake up.”
Her eyes flew open as she frantically looked around the room as if she were trying to figure out where she was and why she was there. She finally looked at me and relaxed a little. “What?”
“I think you were dreaming. You were sort of twitching.”
“Oh,” she said and quickly looked away.
“What was it about?” I knew what it was about. It had to be about the kiss and how I’d tried to take it further. It was just a gut feeling I had, and to know that the hardening of my dick had caused me to be so direct made me feel like the biggest asshole alive. After that, Chris treating her like dirt, and my show of grabbing myself nearly a week before and accusing her of being pretty much the same thing he’d said she was, she’d neve
r want to come around me again. When did I become such a pig?
“I don’t know… Did I wake you?”
I didn’t believe her. Though I didn’t know her all that well just yet, I certainly felt like I knew when I was being lied to, which only strengthened my assumption.
“No. I’ve been up for a while. I took Manny out for you already and gave him some of the food you brought. I hope that was okay. I didn’t know when he would need to eat, but I didn’t remember him eating anything last night.”
“Thanks. He was due. You didn’t have to do that, though. You could’ve woken me up.”
“It was no problem, and you were sleeping pretty peacefully until a couple minutes ago.”
“Did the power come back on yet?”
“No, but it did quit snowing, and it isn’t quite as cold as it was yesterday. It’ll probably be back soo—”
The electricity flickered back on and we both sighed with relief. “Good. I’m glad it’s back on. I guess I should get my stuff and head home.”
“You can stay as long as you want. You don’t have to rush out of here, and besides that, you don’t know if your power is back on yet. Have breakfast with me,” I said, desperate to repair whatever damage between us I might have caused. I was still baffled by a kiss causing so much panic, especially after some of the kinky things past partners had wanted me to do. You name it, someone at some point had probably asked me to do it. Not that I always complied… Most of the time, kissing seemed so harmless and G-rated to me, though it clearly wasn’t to her. Is she a virgin? Maybe that’s why she’s so anxious all the time.
“Thanks, but I really need to get back. I have some work to do.”
“Alright. I’ll take you home.” So that’s what I did. The whole incident weighed on me for days. I’d wanted to invite her out to dinner or to spend some more time with me, but after everything, space seemed to be the best option. I’d let her come to me if and when she was ready.
CHAPTER 15 – LILA STEPHENS
A couple weeks after my night with Ash, the much anticipated shopping date with Tori had finally arrived. We’d only been talking about it off and on for weeks. I was anxious to take my mind off of everything, and I’d spent more time than I cared to going over and over in my head how warm and soft, yet strong, his lips were before wanting to kick my own ass for ruining it. This time with Tori was much needed and long overdue in light of recent events.
Once I made it to 58th and 5th, I found her waiting for me outside of Bergdorf Goodman. Greeting each other, we entered the department store to waste the afternoon away, chatting about nothing and everything, though I found myself quiet when it came to Ash. I should’ve jumped at the chance to spill my guts to one of my best friends, especially one who was familiar with the man I couldn’t get out of my mind, but I couldn’t help but just keep it bottled up for the most part.
After our much needed retail therapy, we grabbed a pretzel and headed to Central Park. After walking a short distance up the east side of the park, an empty bench enticed us to park our asses. The air was a bit chilly, though the snow from the blizzard had all but melted. Taking a big bite of the pretzel, I savored the salty, chewy goodness. It was every bit as big as my face, and I knew I’d never eat the whole thing, but damn it, I would try.
Tori adjusted her sunglasses and turned to face me. “Is there any way you might be able to go out of town with me for a few days? Maybe a week?”
“Probably, as long as I can get Wi-Fi so I can keep up with work. I’d have to figure out something for Manny, though. Where are we going?”
“Well, you know the guys are on tour, and they’re stopping in Pittsburgh for a couple nights. I’d love for you to come with me and maybe we could go back to West Virginia for a visit. It’s been too long since I’ve been back there.”
They’re on tour. Maybe that’s why I haven’t seen Ash since the storm. Fearing that he was grieving alone after his dad’s funeral, I’d stopped by a few times, but there was no answer when I knocked. My mind had gone back time and time again to when Tori mentioned early on that she believed he was interested in me. That conversation seemed like so long ago after everything that’d happened since. I wanted very badly to believe she was right, but when I hadn’t seen him in two weeks, I began to think she was wrong. Maybe I’d royally screwed up by freaking out on him, and that was my one chance. Maybe I’d been just another face in the crowd all along, and when it got real, he bailed. Maybe he just disappeared, and I wouldn’t see him again like she’d said he was prone to do when he wasn’t interested. I put on a smile for Tori’s sake and tried to see the positive in the situation. “Sounds like fun. Maybe you can see Paige while we’re there.”
“That’d be awesome, I miss her so much. We haven’t talked in forever.” Tori said.
“If they’re only going to be in the ‘Burgh for two days, where else would we go if we’re gonna be gone a week?”
“Hang out with them on the bus for a few more days, and then catch a flight back to New York whenever we get sick of it. In my experience, that’s a little less than a week usually.” She laughed, and I joined her. I had no fucking clue, so I was taking her word for it.
“When are we leaving?”
“Next weekend. We can go ahead and book a flight to Pittsburgh and rent a car for our side trip after we get there. We’ll actually get there the night before they do. They’re getting in a day early, so they’ll have the night off before the show. Do you mind if Matty comes with us?”
“If he wants to, it’s fine with me.” I didn’t mind getting to know Matty a little better. He seemed like a real sweetheart, and if he’d managed to keep Tori all those years, I knew most likely he truly was a person worth knowing.
“I don’t know if he will, but I’ll ask him. They’ll probably have rehearsal, but that shouldn’t be until the day of the show.”
The thought of going home, even just for the day, excited the hell out of me. I didn’t realize how much I missed it until right then with the prospect of going back in front of me. I made a mental note to call Paige and see if she would be working or not. I’d go to the hospital where she worked if I had to just to get a quick best friend hug.
Paige and I were still very close, but texting or talking on the phone occasionally wasn’t the same as being face to face. I hadn’t even told her anything about Ash because I knew she’d shit her pants, figuratively of course, when I told her about the things that had happened between us, and I wanted to be in front of her to see her reaction.
* * *
I yawned as I stretched my muscles for the umpteenth time while we waited in the parking lot for the band and its entourage to arrive. We’d gotten in late the night before due to a delayed flight, and on top of that my brain was working in overdrive thinking about Ash. How was he coping with the loss he’d suffered? Would he be happy to see me? Had he even thought twice about me since our awkward parting? Was I crazy for thinking there could be something special between us even after my little freak out? Was it too late to get the hell back to New York and leave the whole trip behind?
I was beside myself in anticipation of seeing him, to the point that I almost wished I hadn’t come. The sound of very loud engines filled my ears, just as three massive black tour buses and an 18-wheeler rounded the corner and pulled into the parking lot of the hotel. Tori bounced and shifted her weight while waiting for Matty. They’d been together for years, but you’d think they were still in the early throes of passion from the way they treated each other. Maybe it was all the time they were forced to spend apart from one another. Absence supposedly makes the heart grow stronger. In their case, that was probably the truth.
I watched as person after person filed off the buses. With every new person, my heart quickened. Finally, Ash appeared. Quickly looking away, I pretended not to see him, as I made small talk with Tori and Matty, though I could get a sense of him coming toward us out of the corner of my eye. To my disappointment, Ash walked right b
y me without saying a word. I knew he saw me. How could he not? I was right there in front of him. So much for that…
How could I have been so naïve to think he would be happy that I was there? I obviously hadn’t had the impact on him that he’d had on me, or maybe I did, but it wasn’t the impact I’d hoped to have. Tori looked at me with a frown on her face and turned toward Ash.
“Hey, Ash-hole,” she yelled.
He turned around and the most beautifully blue eyes I had ever seen landed directly on me. He then looked to Tori as she began to speak, like he still hadn’t seen me or didn’t know me. “Lila is taking us on a little trip today to where she’s from. You in?”
“Depends on when you’re leaving.” His expression gave nothing away. I’d hoped for a glint of a smile, but it wasn’t there.
“We’re leaving in about a half an hour.”
“Let me know when you’re about to leave, and I’ll let you know,” he said over his shoulder as he continued on his way into the hotel.
Not a word directed at me. No acknowledgment. Nothing. I’d been stupid to come into his territory like that and think that maybe I mattered. So much for the little bit of bonding I thought occurred between us. My stomach dropped, and I knew deep down in my heart that he wasn’t going with us and there would never be anything between us. I wasn’t upset that he might not go on our little day trip, but why was he so cold to me? Didn’t I deserve at least a hello even if he did think I was a little crazy?
I shifted my weight and looked for my escape. “Hey, guys, I noticed a park down the street. I’m gonna go over there for a few minutes and give Matty some time to get settled into the room. Come and get me when you’re ready to go if I’m not back yet.”
“You okay, sweetums?” Tori asked, placing her hand on my upper arm and giving it a small squeeze.
“Yeah, I’m good.” I put on a fake smile, but I know Tori didn’t buy it for a second. She knew me too well to believe that bullshit. She also knew me well enough to leave me be if I wasn’t talking just yet.
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